should a stepmum attend school events?

[dirtyprojectors]

DSD starts school next term. Her mum hates me . DP avoids his ex as much as he possibly can as their relationship is still dreadful and i can't see it ever improving. Contact had to be got through a court order. I've been with DP for almost 2 years, slowly got to know DSD over past 18 months and she now stays weekends so knows me well. I'm very restrained, haven't even done the mummy stuff like baking together yet as i'm so worried about her Mum kicking off and making DSD feel bad.
Should i ever go to any school events? My thought was some events like whole school plays might be ok as there will be so many people around but anything smaller is asking for trouble- at least at this early stage.

titty I did distinguish earlier in the thread between events such as nativities and plays, which are primarily events for the DC's to "showcase" their achievements and those designed to inform or involve parents in the DC's progress & development.

Of course the DC will want the important people in their life, such as step-parents to see them perform or view the work they have done at an open event, and I'd never considered this overstepping unless the step-parent obtains a ticket/access at the expense of a parent.

But inclusion milestone events such as starting school, and participation in events that relate to providing parental support and decision-making (such as parents evenings), is totally different, imo. The DC's opinion as to whom attends these is far less relevant.

It is a parents responsibility to ensure that their DC is supported when they start school, regardless of their DC's opinion as to who should be there.
What if the DC says that they don't want either parent there and want to go to school with a friend and their mum? Would a parent accept that because it is what the DC wants?

I don't think many parents (whether step families or parents still together) who work can facilitate all drop offs and pick ups for school, many many people use childcare. My dss's mother has a mothers help/part time nanny as she works long hours herself but complains if dss tells her that I look after him and take him somewhere nice for an afternoon when DP is working. Can't win can we.

Of course they do, as did I when I was working along with my ex. I'm not saying that parents should be the only people to ever care for children, but shouldn't they be the preferred option when available?

If one parent can't do the school pick up while the DC's are in their care, but the other parent can, surely the best thing for the DC's is to re-negotiate the care arrangement so that the time they spend with one or other of their parents is maximised?

Notadisneymum- I totally understand what you are saying. What I meant was that many parents who have separated cannot singularly work and look after the childrenw ithout help (whether that be a new partner, friends and family or paid childcare).

Of course the other parent is the preferred carer, however Id assume
in many situations (such as ours) it's impractical. Dss can't just be passed between our two homes for a few hours and neither of his parents would want that. Plus his mum works full time anyway and wouldn't ever be able to do any school runs so when DP works I do the school run (and after Sept will do so for dss) and when I work DP takes my dd to school and back.

I am interested to know whether general opinion is someone in my position (step child resident here, I have parental responsibility given happily by both parents) should also not attend school things? I've really not thought about it much and everyone in normal life seems ok with it but such strong opinions on here and I'm interested. My dss would be quite hurt if I didn't go I think!

LBC, if his mum is happy for you to do so in her stead then there is no issue. It's nice for the dsc to have someone there; it's not as if you are usurping her place or muscling in.

edam you've confused me twice now with another poster. Can you please be more careful. i did not say what you said i did!!

oops, so sorry.

Does it work the same way for step-fathers?!?

Just a thought!

Winter, my DH doesn't come to parents evening. I go with XH or I go alone.

My DP has never had any regular responsibility for DDs care, isn't involved in decisions/key events, I would always ask/check with him before I make arrangements that would leave DD in his care, and she has never been in the care of anyone other than myself overnight while in my care.

Does that make it different for stepdads? I don't know - but I expect the same courtesy from him regarding DSS and have always received it - he wouldn't dream of assuming that I could pick DSS up from school or do the bedtime routine with DSS in his absence.

We learnt this the hard way - our attempts to operate as a traditional 'family' when all together were undermined and we have adapted not only our approach but our values as a result of our experience.

Even if a DC lives with and is raised by a step-parent, that step-parent doesn't replace the absent or less involved parent, and the goal of both the parent and the step-parent should be to ensure that both the child's parents play as significant a role as possible in the DC's life.

Yes...may I add to this? My DSCs' mother is deceased, so I do "parent" them - I have cooked and cleaned for them, given advice on friendships, made fancy dress costumes for school events, kissed away tears, punished them, praised them, taken for first bra fittings, had 'sex talks', helped with coursework, and so on. My number one job, as far as they are concerned, is to help my DH make sure they are safe and provided for. My number two job is to make sure they feel as secure as possible in our family, and that means making sure their mum is always respected (even though I disagree with a great many things she said or did!). In my situation, it is probably easier to see how much that matters, frankly, because she is dead, and it is not the done thing to compete with or hold grudges against a dead woman. But I don't think it is all that different, either, from how one should treat the living mother of a stepchild. No matter how vile she is.

I obviously actually think it is perfectly okay for a step-parent to take on parenting duties in the absence (whether temporary or permanent!) of the mother or father - but one should not in most circumstances confuse that with being a parent...and when/if the absence ends, the step-parent may well need to step aside a bit. More importantly, even during the absence, the step-parent should prioritize the role of the mother and father. That doesn't take anything away from the role of stepmother, which has gotten way too bad a rap as a label, and ought to be seen as a very special relationship on its own merits. One's stepkids may end up seeing one "as a parent", but it seems to me that is something that can only develop over a very long time and expressed in adulthood, and certainly not is something that can be engineered by the step-parent.

Wow, great post brdgrl

agreed, great post from brdgirl.

littlebluechair - DH exw never used to allow me to go anywhere near the school. Then we had one occasion where there was an assembly,DH was away, exW working so dsd asked if I could go. exW said no, sds got upset and evetually exW relented and I went - at the request of dsd. The whole thing was stressful and upsetting for dsd and completely uneccessary.

Since then things have changed and I now even pick the kids up from school and go to plays and things. I would never go to a parents evening though.

All these things take time, don't they? I would be wary of step parent forcing the pace.
Dirty projector, two years together is not long for the ex wife. If there are fewer upsets now, then I imagine everyone accepts the situation quicker.

two years together is not long for the ex wife

That's quite a loaded comment, softplay and one that reinforces the social stereotype of step-mums as husband- and child-stealing whores

Why is the exW considered to the be "victim" in all cases where a SM is involved?

I've been on the receiving end of many comments such as that, the implied expectation being that I should make allowances for my DP's ex emotional fragility regarding the ending of their marriage. The fact that she had an affair and my DP was devastated to the point in incapacity by her refusal to try and patch things up is overlooked - the important thing seems to be that she, as the exW, is given time to get used to the fact that her exH has moved on and had the audacity to introduce his partner to his DC's lives.

Similarly, I was the "bad guy" in the ending of my own marriage - I certainly don't consider myself in need of time to get used to the idea that my ex has moved on - but it would be an easy enough card to play "oh, woe is me the poor victim I can't cope with DD's SM in her life yet, I need time to get used to the idea", but that would be a purely selfish reaction to the uncomfortable feelings that many parents feel when a step-parent is introduced to their childs life.

It may not be long for an ex wife, but it's a bloody long time in the life of a child!

"the social stereotype of step-mums as husband- and child-stealing whores"

Well, in the case of XHs new partner it's true [shrug] Although obviously she didn't do it alone :) The thought of anyone seeing them out and thinking she is the mother of my children makes me turn rabid inside. However, I do not bad mouth her in front of my children. In fact I do not mention her at all. In return I would expect her to have the sense to keep her butt out of anything like school stuff etc.

The thought of anyone seeing them out and thinking she is the mother of my children makes me turn rabid inside.

I can assure you that feeling is not reserved for mothers whose ex has done the dirty on them. of course it hurts when another woman (or man) shares time with your DC's that you believed was yours to share with their father - but that is totally separate from the feelings of betrayal caused by the affair.

Would you prefer your DCs hated their SM? That they didn't want her to see them perform in school plays? Or do you want them to feel conflicted and upset because they know (through omission) that you do not approve of her and therefore don't ask her to go, even though they would like her to?

My DSS (then 7 years old) actually whispered to his Dad on the phone to stay away from his school play because his mum would be there. He desperately wanted his Dad to go, but knew that his mum wouldn't be comfortable with that - not because she openly badmouthed him (that came later) but because his mum never spoke of his dad, or encouraged DSS to maintain their relationship, it was as if his Dad didn't exist to her.

soupdragon that is your issue - not your childrens. Of course it hurts but he is still their dad and his life and theirs are connected. You can't separate bits you don't like because that will make a division which will cause your children to feel excluded as well.

However we feel, we have to be the adults and it is better, as NADM says, for our children to have people in their lives who care about them and want to be involved.

glass, soupdragon said very clearly that she does not badmouth the cow in front of the children. What more do you want? She's entitled to her view of the woman.

What is best for the DC's is active encouragement and support of their relationship with their step-mum. I know it is a big ask - especially when the step-mum was a factor in the relationship breakdown; but there are some fabulous mums who do manage it - and hopefully, more who aspire to it, as well.

BTW, badmouthing isn't the only way of communicating disapproval/hurt etc - as I said, my DSS knew that DP's presence at his school play would cause his mum distress, to the extent that he consiprationally asked his Dad not to attend because his mum would be there

notadisneymum- "child stealing whore" lol. Such a timeless
classic!

Soupdragon- Is you exh's new partner a child stealing whore or just a husband stealing one?

I have also been told (via email to DP, his ex would never say it to my face) that I am a child stealing whore. They were separated before we even met, they have share residency. Someone she knows saw me atthe park with my dd and dss and she found out. Somehow that makes me a child stealer, certainly doesn't make me a whore!

Also, people often think dss is mine, when we're out altogether people assume DP is daddy to them both and that I'm mummy. It's just the way people think. To be honest we don't correct them if it's a stranger making a passing comment "helping mummy shopping are you?" or "ask daddy to push the swing" Its more hassle than it's worth trying to explain our "mixed up" little family and the kids have given up saying it too.

jabber why is your family "mixed up"?

I think its really important that DCs are encouraged to 'correct' the assumption that their SM is mum - it reinforces to them that their family isn't odd, unusual or "mixed up"
I know that my DDs SM relied on the assumption that she was DDs mum to get back through border control - hardly reassuring for a mum!