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Original poster

should a stepmum attend school events?

222 replies

dirtyprojectors · 12/07/2012 20:10

DSD starts school next term. Her mum hates me . DP avoids his ex as much as he possibly can as their relationship is still dreadful and i can't see it ever improving. Contact had to be got through a court order. I've been with DP for almost 2 years, slowly got to know DSD over past 18 months and she now stays weekends so knows me well. I'm very restrained, haven't even done the mummy stuff like baking together yet as i'm so worried about her Mum kicking off and making DSD feel bad.
Should i ever go to any school events? My thought was some events like whole school plays might be ok as there will be so many people around but anything smaller is asking for trouble- at least at this early stage.

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LtEveDallas · 13/07/2012 13:46

I once spent 6 hours (and about £30) making an outfit for DSDs Christmas Play (not Nativity) that I had only 24 hours notice of, to find out the next day that DSD Mum had banned me from attending.

Boy was I pissed off.

theredhen · 13/07/2012 13:56

*I once spent 6 hours (and about £30) making an outfit for DSDs Christmas Play (not Nativity) that I had only 24 hours notice of, to find out the next day that DSD Mum had banned me from attending.

Boy was I pissed off.*

I'm not surprised! Did you DSD wear your outfit?

NotaDisneyMum · 13/07/2012 14:30

lime do we share an ex? Mine considers his fiancée to have equal status in DDs life so she attends everything that ex does with him. To be honest, I prefer going to parents evenings etc on my own - id get shouted down if I went with ex and so would the teacher!

I've just been through secondary school selection for DD and it was a total nightmare and has resulted in solicitors and mediator involvement, again Sad

limetimemummy · 13/07/2012 15:49

NADM, I would have said yes except that he is now actually married :) Perhaps they went to the same school of "how to make this as difficult as possible" and graduated with an honours degree!
(I seem to remember from another thread that you had the same surname change demands as I recieved)

LtEveDallas · 13/07/2012 16:04

Hi RedHen,

Yep she wore it and looked great (she was a postbox of all things!) DH took photos, but it wasnt the same. The following year I made sure we called a couple of weeks beforehand and asked about it - and made sure DSD knew I would NOT be available for sewing duties.

Typically, that was the year she was just in the choir!

NoMoreRoom · 13/07/2012 16:20

Our Primary also has a strict 2 tickets per person. I guess we are lucky we can get 4 because DS is entitled to 2 and so is DSS1 it seems! (they're same year same class). Although they are both resident in mine and DH house we get 2 per child - not sure if school actually make an exception here because there are twins in their class and they tend to only have 2 people watching.

I'll see what happens when our twins start! When it's a whole school thing we still only get 4 even though we have 3 children in it!

I guess I'm lucky that in our exteneded family the children have been put first and DH's DXW has always been good about my involvement in her boys lives. I have to say though if DH is away for work then although DSS1 lives with us I'd call her before I made any major decisions about him - eg when he broke his arm I rang to say we were going to A&E and she came to meet us there. I left when she got there. (I did take DSS2, DS and the twins home though and was pg at the time!)

NotaDisneyMum · 13/07/2012 18:07

lime Oh yes, I remember now - definitely from the same mould! I'd love to be able to tell you that it gets easier, but it doesn't, in my experience!

JabberJay · 13/07/2012 19:23

Dirtyprojectors- I am reading this thread with great interest as have a similar situation arising in September. My dss is starting school and DP's ex (dss's mum) is insisting I am not there on the first morning
when he is dropped at school!

No practical advice so will "steal" some of yours hopefully! but my DP always comes along to my dd's (his dsd) school events, plays, sports day and parents evening.

exoticfruits · 13/07/2012 19:27

You don't want to be there on the first morning-keep it low key-it has got a bit like a circus these days with parents, grandparents, uncle Tom Cobley and all-you feel sorry for the poor DC!

JabberJay · 13/07/2012 19:52

Yep exotic, I remember my own dd's first day, busy and bustling but wouldn't have missed it for the world. The thing is, I do want to be there on his first day and my DP wants me there and dss wants me
there. He lives with me and his dad half the time and I care about him very much. DP's ex has no real reason for me not being there other than she doesn't want me in any way involved with her son. Well that's hard as I live with him as much as she does. It's hard as dss is with is the night before, we'll be getting him up and ready alongside my own dd, taking them both to school together. Bit sad really.

littlebluechair · 13/07/2012 20:23

I'm a SM and a governor at DSS' school, I also attend everything I can/want to/am asked to. But mum signed my form for PR and I guess she therefore assumed I would take on parental responsibilities. Mum doesn't attend much. I don't know if it'll turn out to be the right or wrong thing that I'm doing, but that school will be the one all our kids go to so I may as well pitch in now.

I'd say don't do anything you know will cause a fight, but you're entitled to care and support. But give it time, my role has evolved over time, I was much less involved at the start.

exoticfruits · 13/07/2012 20:33

In that case JabberJay, you will just be there anyway.

JabberJay · 13/07/2012 20:37

Yes exotic, at the moment it's looking as though I will be going, despite dss mum's protests. My dd goes to a different school nearby but both dp and I have said we can't always do what his ex wants when she is being quite unreasonable. Me being there doesn't take anything away from her or affect her I'm anyway.

exoticfruits · 13/07/2012 20:41

But it will be nice for DSS - which is what matters.

Mummynumber2 · 13/07/2012 20:49

I think it really depends on the situation. I go to all dsc's plays & concerts and their mum has no problem with it at all. When she comes too we all sit together & my DS spent 1/2 the last play on her lap! I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable going if she wasn't happy with it though.

I've never been to a parents evening, mind you dp's ex rarely goes either.

Original poster
dirtyprojectors · 14/07/2012 08:17

jabberjay your situation is ludicrous, to be told to keep away when DSS lives with you half the time and when he is with you the night before is so selfish. I won't be going to DSDs first day at school and with various half days she has done its hard to know what is officially her first day anyway. The whole situation is just so sad. Of course if tickets are limited mum and dad get them.

I have an older child myself and have never minded SM going to anything- she never went to parents evening but came to the odd play and concert with my ex. They sat by themselves- we weren't that chummy but we did all have a short chat afterwards about how it went .

I will remain mindful of how this impacts on DSD and take it slowly and not deliberately do anything that may make her life harder for the sake of scoring points but if I and DP had gone along with everything that his ex wanted he would not be seeing his DD at all so to a certain extent she also has to learn how to come to terms with it. I am a respectful person, hardly going to rush over to DSD and start hugging her . Its more about being supportive of DSD and DP.

OP posts:
StaceymReadyForNumber3 · 14/07/2012 08:39

My kids SM comes to fairs etc but I've never thought to invite her to school plays/sports day tbh. But then again they only have dcs every other weekend do she's much less involved in the dcs lives than many of you are.

Thankfully my XH and I can manage to attend parents evenings together so the teachers don't have extra work etc

ElephantsCanRemember · 14/07/2012 08:43

I used to go to parents evening, plays, sports days etc with my DH and my DS dad. We sat together and discussed things with the teacher together. I remember the first time we went the teacher was surpirsed and said she wished more parents could manage it.
But then we had a fairly reasonable relationship, up to a point.
I think if one of you isn't going to be reasonable and not focus on the child then it isn't going to work and therefore not worth it.

exoticfruits · 14/07/2012 09:27

It is only a problem when they are young-after a certain age the DC will be the one to issue the invitations and if you have a good relationship will want you there.

NotaDisneyMum · 14/07/2012 10:03

He lives with me and his dad half the time and I care about him very much. DP's ex has no real reason for me not being there other than she doesn't want me in any way involved with her son. Well that's hard as I live with him as much as she does. It's hard as dss is with is the night before, we'll be getting him up and ready alongside my own dd, taking them both to school together. Bit sad really.

Different things work for different families - I would never expect or rely on my DP to equally parent my DD, despite her living here half the time and wouldn't agree to DP being at once-in-a-lifetime events (like first day at school) even if DD asked for him to be there. That is something that she would experience with one or both of her parents if he and I had not split up, and the fact that he and I are no longer together should not deprive her of that.

In contrast, my ex places his stbDW alongside me and him in DD's life - she plays a full "parental" role, alongside him and sometimes as an alternative to himself, and I do think that it is inappropriate at times.

If a child spends significant amounts of time living with both parents, then I think that both parents should be able to facilitate that without relying on a step-parent; with the best will in the world, the step-parent isn't a third parent and shouldn't be a replacement for either biological parent, imo.

edam · 14/07/2012 10:12

I don't think step-parents should attend unless both actual parents are OK with it. You are a significant adult in dsds life but you are not her Mother. Step-families are tricky enough to negotiate and fraught with possibilities of causing offence - don't ask for trouble.

edam · 14/07/2012 10:16

I was a step-daughter when I was a child btw, so am posting from that perspective. (My Father divorced my Stepmother in the end - I did invite her to my wedding, for my youngest (half) sister's sake. We teased my Dad about having his 'harem' there as there was my Mother, obviously, my ex-Stepmother and his then partner.)

Alurkatsoftplay · 14/07/2012 10:19

Agree with Notadisneymum and edam. It's different when there isn't an active and involved other parent, but if there is, the step-parent does need to step back a little, in public, especially if the involvement is contentious.

When I see three or four people milling around at school gates, meetings, etc, not talking to each other, (its different if they all get along) I do wonder why the step-parent came along.

NotaDisneyMum · 14/07/2012 10:24

edam - what would you have done if your mother had refused to attend your wedding if your exSM, or Dads g/f were there? Or your Dad had refused to go if his g/f wasn't invited?

Many of us face situations like that everyday - mums who withhold contact if their ex's partner is going to have contact with their DC's, or refuse to attend significant events in the DC's lives if SM is going to be there, even if the DC wants them to be. I agree entirely that a balance needs to be struck - but the principle of only doing things that both parents agree on is not always in the DC's interest either!

tittytittyhanghang · 14/07/2012 10:25

NADM, i would have to disagree that a step parent is not a third parent. Maybe not in your case but its certainly true in others. As much as the other biological parent may not like it, step parents are like third parents, especially if custody is shared equally. As a step child, i find that concept quite insulting to the memory of my step parent.

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