should a stepmum attend school events?

[dirtyprojectors]

DSD starts school next term. Her mum hates me . DP avoids his ex as much as he possibly can as their relationship is still dreadful and i can't see it ever improving. Contact had to be got through a court order. I've been with DP for almost 2 years, slowly got to know DSD over past 18 months and she now stays weekends so knows me well. I'm very restrained, haven't even done the mummy stuff like baking together yet as i'm so worried about her Mum kicking off and making DSD feel bad.
Should i ever go to any school events? My thought was some events like whole school plays might be ok as there will be so many people around but anything smaller is asking for trouble- at least at this early stage.

titty - not all step-parents. It varies. Most stepparents are not third parents - it depends on their role in the child's life and the presence or absence of the original parents. My Uncle is my cousin's Dad - the biological father fecked off when my cousin was a baby and has never had anything to do with him. (Thankfully, he was a Bad Man and ended up in prison.) However, that's not the situation with most step-parents and certainly not any step-parent in a position to ask 'shall I go because it might upset the Mother'.

NotaDisney - I wasn't particularly bothered about having my ex-Stepmother there but invited her for my half-sister's sake. She was a pushy Stepmother - actually managed to get herself into the car with us and my Dad on the way to our honeymoon! (Dad was giving us a lift as dh had managed to write off the car the night before the wedding - thankfully dh was fine.)

Edam- " I don't think step parents should attend unless both actual parents are ok with it"

I disagree. I am always mindful of dsc's mother's feelings, DP and I have many discussions about things that we do or don't do or change the way we would do things in our life/family to take into consideration her feelings/wants.

However, where do we draw the line? Dsc's mother is often very unreasonable when it comes to me being in any way involved in dsc's life. I live with him as much as she does, so although I know I'm
not his parent and never will be I have invested much time, energy and love in preparing him for his first day of school.

so although I know I'm not his parent and never will be I have invested much time, energy and love in preparing him for his first day of school.

so why then do you need any more? It isn't about you!!! It is about the child, and you have the opportunity to reinforce his mother's paramount role in his life - why not take it, for his sake?

And surely you can appreciate that in the case where there is a mother (who has already indicated her discomfort and displeasure with your involvement) that you have done enough and leave the boy's mother to share that special moment with him, since you have had so many special moments in the lead-up to the day?

And actually, your child is at a different school, not the same school, so the less provocative thing for you to do would be to have a special breakfast with the kids that morning, wish DSS the best, and then wait in the car whilst DSS is taken into scholl by his parents.

Are you really "always mindful of dsc's mother's feelings"? Because that seems at odds with what you have posted.

The investment of love, energy and often finance as well does not 'buy' the right to be a part of a DSC life.

If the child has two involved parents, then they should take precedence over anyone else, no matter how committed and involved other adults are.

I always consider what would happen if DDs dad and I were still together. If it is an event, activity or occasion that she would have shared primarily with her parents had we been together, then I consider the same applies even though we are apart.

That's a good test, notadisney. Dirty, I think brd's idea of a special breakfast before sending your dsd off to her new school with her parents is a great idea.

As a step-parent, unless the mother/father is entirely absent, you have to accept that you play second fiddle.

Brdgrl- Of course it's not about me. I realize that. It's about dss. He wants me there of course and so does my DP- his father, I also want to be there and share the special moment of him going into school
for the first time. He is a child that I love and although he's not biologically mine, a child I have had a very large part in the up-bringing of. We do take her feelings and demands into account, sometimes more then we should even when she's being unreasonable. However more recently, we are of the thinking that we shouldn't have to dance entirely to her tune. DP is also dss's parent and has the right to make choices about who is an isn't involved in his life as much as she does.

Of course we all have different opinions and nobody is right or wrong, different circumstances and decisions suit different families.

Edam- yes I realize I play second fiddle, but first day of school isn't a ticketed event. Me being there doesn't affect her being there at all. It's not me instead of her it's me as well as her. She doesn't want me having anything to do with dss's life. It is very sad and makes things difficult for us on a daily basis.

I am soooo relaxed about DD's SM being in her life. She has strengths that I dont have and DD gains a lot from having her around. But I would be pretty peeved if she turned up on first day at school. It's such a busy time, emotional for me, goes by in a flash.. nor would I dream of taking my DP. I expect if we were all okay with it then it would be fine but I wouldn't be okay with it and unless DD was super keen on her coming (without any suggestion from anyone else) then it wouldn't happen. I do favour child-centred seperated parenting so it's not about me - I don't think she'd benefit from having four adults at that event.

I'm easy about plays etc though, there are millions of th things and often it's nice if SM can go when i Can't so someone actually watches DD rather than stares at their blackberry like her dad would

jabberjay what ever her reasons for not wanting you there, are you actually willing to cause a mother emotional upset on such a significant day in her parenting life?
There are few rewards for being a mother, one of them is the swell of pride and contentment when you see your little person confidently beginning their education. Don't take that away from her and surround the occassion with worry please. The child will pick up on Mum being sad/ nervous/ angry and that is seriously not cool.

Of course it's not about me. I realize that. It's about dss. He wants me there of course and so does my DP- his father, I also want to be there and share the special moment of him going into school

At four years old, he cannot understand the significance of the event. It will be later in his life, when he looks back and remembers these events, that he may well resent the fact that his parents allowed/insisted that he share those moments with someone who may, or may not, have continued to be an important and significant part of his life into adulthood. You can't undo those memories, they will be with him forever - and I don't think any step-parent has the right to be a part of them.

I have accepted that being a step-mum means that you do miss out on the traditional "special moments" that parents share with their DC's. I don't believe that it is the right thing to do to insist that you share them, or even accept that the DSC may want you to - you are the adult, and more able to recognise the long term implications on the DC, on their relationship with you, and on their relationship with their parents.

But you can create your own memories with your DSC - which are far more likely to be appreciated and valued as they grow up. Sharing the special moments they have with their parents is risky and selfish, imo.

DP is also dss's parent and has the right to make choices about who is an isn't involved in his life as much as she does.

This is exactly what my ex is saying about DD and his stbDW's involvement - what he won't acknowledge is that his choice is driven by his own wants, needs and desires. DD doesn't need her SM at this sort of event, her Dad needs his DW there - just as your DSS doesn't need you there on his first day of school, it is your DP's (and possibly your own) needs that you are fulfilling.

" I live with him as much as she does"

Seriously?

You would actually compete with the child's mother like that?

No wonder she doesn't want you around. You sound toxic.

The word toxic gets bandied about way too often.

Yeah, but athing has a point - competing over who is most important in dsd's life is pathetic and wrong. Clearly dsd's Mum is most important no matter how great dirty thinks she is.

Perhaps, but competing with a child's mother based on how much a child lives with you is pretty definitive.

The boy has one mother.

No matter how much time he spends with other women, they still don't get to compete with that.

And if they're not utter poison they wouldn't want to.

My childminder might as well insist on being at DD1's first day if school.

I think Jabba, it is kind to advise you that as a stepparent the best thing is to assume that you mean jack-shit to your step children. Then once every so often, they will surprise you.

From, The voice of experience.

edam You're right - there is no competition.

Even if a DC lives with and is raised by a step-parent, that step-parent doesn't replace the absent or less involved parent, and the goal of both the parent and the step-parent should be to ensure that both the child's parents play as significant a role as possible in the DC's life.

It is worrying that there seems to be a trend for one parent to want to minimise the role of the other parent in the DC's life while the DC is in their care, while at the same time, exerting their right to involve their partner, as a step-parent, in addition to, or as a substitute for, their DC's mum or dad.

as a stepparent the best thing is to assume that you mean jack-shit to your step children. Then once every so often, they will surprise you.

Yup - expect the worst, and every so often, you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Avoid the mistake of assuming that because you care, prioritise their needs and are committed to their wellbeing that your DSC will grow up to appreciate you and the value that you play in their lives.

More likely than not, at some point, your DSC will resent you and would prefer you not to be a part of their life.

edam i take issue with what you've just said "clearly dsd's Mum is most important no matter how great dirty thinks she is".

where did i say I thought I was great? I started this thread to get a wider picture of this issue and it has degenerated into something unpleasant.

As much as the other biological parent may not like it, step parents are like third parents, especially if custody is shared equally

This is very true. e.g. when the DC is with the father the stepmother will be in charge in her home, she may well be there alone with the DC and the one putting them to bed etc.

Of course step parents are not replacements for actual parents, I totally agree.

However, being a step parent sometimes mean that in certain circumstances (in established homes and families) you do end up doing lots of "parenting" things. I certainly do. Not to replace dss's mother but just because she isn't present when dss is living at our house.

Toxic? No I most certainly am not. Just a step mum who loves her dss and very much wants to share the important moments in his life, but of course in addition to, not in repacement of, his actual
mum. My comment of how he lives with us as
much as he lives with her doesn't mean I feel
I'm in competition with her, it was just so show I spend lots
of time with him and it's not like he's just with us every other weekend . I've spent hours helping him write his name, talking with him and my (older) dd about school and what happens, Ive sat and seem all
his little name labels in his uniform and ultimately Ive been there to see him grow up since he was little and helped him all along the way alongside my DP. Now of course his mum does all the same when he is at her house and I don't expect to have "bought" the right to be in his life but I'm proud of him too and want to be there to see him
off.

Ive never wanted nor expected any gratitude from her for all the things I do every day for her son. There has never been any confrontation or anything similar. She just sends DP emails saying "JabberJay will not be coming to dss first day at school." A couple of years ago she emailed him stating that she was very unhappy that we had decided to live together and would not consent to her son living with another woman- even though they have shared residency. She was adamant that we could not live together as it made her very upset. These sorts of comments always go to DP as she will never speak to me directly even if she comes to our home to collect dss or if I go and collect dss from her when DP is at work sometimes. I think he believes if she ignores me then I will disappear, even a "hello" from me is ignored. Never been any arguments or conflict though. Of course we can't do everything to make her happy when many of her requests are so unreasonable. Doesn't make me toxic.

You would imagine that a mother whose DC lives with the father half the week would be grateful that they were loved by the step mother-do they really want then in an environment where they are not loved?

"Now of course his mum does all the same when he is at her house"

Yeah, she's just the same as you, just in another house.

You're basically just an extra mother.

Except you're not. He has one mother.

And she feels (correctly) that you are trying to usurp her.

dirty - it was your remark about how much you do for dsd and how much time dsd spends with you that provoked my remark. It's not a competition and it doesn't matter how much you do for her, you are still not her Mother and shouldn't compete with her mother. You are a significant person in her life - an extra adult who hopefully has a close relationship. But not her Mother.

I was lucky to have several 'other Mothers' as a child - significant adults who were very involved and great role models - Auntie Lynda, Auntie Pat and my godmother, Win. I love/loved them all dearly and benefited hugely from their time, their wisdom and their support. A good stepmother should be like that, I feel, not someone who tries to compete with the actual Mother.

The only time that I came close to being a step mother the biological mother did at least phone me up to thank me for all the things that I did with her DD. It isn't a competition. The more people who love a DC the better for the DC.

(Auntie being an honorary title).