should a stepmum attend school events?

[dirtyprojectors]

DSD starts school next term. Her mum hates me . DP avoids his ex as much as he possibly can as their relationship is still dreadful and i can't see it ever improving. Contact had to be got through a court order. I've been with DP for almost 2 years, slowly got to know DSD over past 18 months and she now stays weekends so knows me well. I'm very restrained, haven't even done the mummy stuff like baking together yet as i'm so worried about her Mum kicking off and making DSD feel bad.
Should i ever go to any school events? My thought was some events like whole school plays might be ok as there will be so many people around but anything smaller is asking for trouble- at least at this early stage.

I would never be grateful to any woman who was transparently competing to be an extra mother to my children.

I am their mother. They don't need another one.

You can love a child without demanding to be a third parent.

I was never trying to be a mother-just a close adult.

I went to things if the DD asked me.

Exoticfruits. I have long since stopped hoping thatdss'ss mother shows any gratitude or thanks or evening kindness (gasp) towards me. As notadisneymum says, anything I "get" from her would be a bonus.

I do understand how hard it is to have your child live in another womans home half the week, but she doesn't seem to realize that dss is happy, he likes me, we have a great relationship. It sounds awful but I honestly think she would rather that he hated me. It would perhaps justify her feelings of me as the evil step mother! Mwahahahaha (evil step mother cackle).

She has many issues with me, I'm trying to take her place if I do a "first" with dss. We recently took him as my dd to Alton Towers on a
family day out. It caused massive issues as she wanted to be the first to take him and was "livid" that I shared that with him. Really I can't win.

Yes, that's it, exotic, a close adult - the OP is unfortunately straying into competing with the Mother territory with her insistence on taking dsd to school on her first day. Oversteps the mark IMO.

I hate the way the first day at school has become 'an event' -you just used to take them. It is no big issue-just leave it to the mother.

being a step parent sometimes mean that in certain circumstances (in established homes and families) you do end up doing lots of "parenting" things. I certainly do. Not to replace dss's mother but just because she isn't present when dss is living at our house.

....but his Dad is present! Why are you doing those parenting things, not his dad?

I've spent hours helping him write his name, talking with him and my (older) dd about school and what happens, Ive sat and seem all his little name labels in his uniform

By doing these things you have replaced the role his Dad would play if you were not together. And if his Dad has asked you to do them instead of doing them himself - then perhaps his ex is asking herself whether he is as committed to his DS as you are?

when the DC is with the father the stepmother will be in charge in her home, she may well be there alone with the DC and the one putting them to bed etc.

If a parent has shared care, but delegates that to a step-parent due to work or social commitments, or just personal preference, then the care arrangement should be, imo, reviewed.
Caring and parenting our DD is the responsibility of me and her Dad, and if I am unwilling or unable to do so when she is in my care, then the person to whom that responsibility falls is her Dad, not a person I choose to delegate that responsibility to without prior agreement of her Dad.
One off, emergency arrangements are one thing - but if a step-parent is routinely relied on to do school pick-ups, overnight care, homework help and listening to reading, then it raise the question of whether the parent can actually provide their DC with the level of commitment required for the care arrangement in place.

Edam- it's me that's taking my dss to school on the first day, OP was talking about step parents at school events in general.

It isn't a competition. The more people who love a DC the better for the DC. - My sentiments exactly.

Imo a mother watching her dc go into school for the first time is not compromised because another person is there appreciating the same thing.

Only if both biological parents and the child(ren) are in full agreement that she should.

Although I never became the step parent, when the child was in my house they were my rules! She was older so she did most things herself but had she been younger of course I would have been doing things -she would have bathed with my child. We couldn't have a situation where I bathed my child and then had to remove myself and leave his child to him and what happened if we had a joint child-does the step child get left out because although they live in my house with a half sibling I am not supposed to exist!!
If they were with us half the week of course I would be the one doing the school pick up, listening to them read if I was the one there. My DPs work didn't happen just between 9 and 3.15pm!
You can have that sort of arrangement if the father is only one day a week, not if it is three and a half days a week.

Imo a mother watching her dc go into school for the first time is not compromised because another person is there appreciating the same thing.

But it's not about the mother, or the step-mother, it is about the child!

A child's memories of significant events in their lives will include whoever was there at the time. The presence of step-parents will be in the DC's memory forever, regardless of whether that step-parent remains a positive element in the DC's life, or indeed whether they continue to have a relationship with the DC at all.

The step-parent is not there to provide the DC something that the parents are unable to - so their reason for being there is not for the DC's benefit - it is for the benefit of themselves and their partner/spouse. What right does a step-parent have to become a permanent part of their DSC important "milestone" memories for their own ends?

Notadisneymum- I can see why you say what you do regarding the actual parent should do all the parenting. It doesn't work that way in our home. My DP and I both work (both part time). I jar a dd and he has dss and they are similar in age. At times he will read with them
both, do their homework with them, play a game or take them
somewhere, perhaps whilst I do something else, at work, out with friends etc and I do the same. We also do things indiidually with our
own child or "swap" as it were and do something with each others children. I couldnt live altogether with the idea of he's yours and she's mine so we only do parenty stuff for our own child. Sometimes DP will do bathtimes and bedtime sometimes it's me. We share the care for the children as a family as if they were both ours (again not in a bad way towards dss's mother). As we both work this works for us as there is usually one of us home most days/times. DP is capable
of doing it all and so am I, we just chose to share it and it works well for all 4 of us.

If they were with us half the week of course I would be the one doing the school pick up, listening to them read if I was the one there. My DPs work didn't happen just between 9 and 3.15pm!
You can have that sort of arrangement if the father is only one day a week, not if it is three and a half days a week.

My DD is with me 50% of the time and I never rely on my DP to provide childcare, pick ups, help, with homework, overnights and the like, I am her parent, I do that.

My ex does rely, heavily, on his DP to fulfil his commitment to the 50% care arrangement we have agreed. I think that DD misses out as her SM is fulfilling the role that her Dad agreed to.

While I think that parents, not stepparents, have the rights and responsibilities of actually bringing up a child, I do think that stepparents need where possible to be allowed to play a meaningful role in a stepchild's life.

That doesn't include pushing parents out of the way, however. Ideally, a stepparent will have some kind of skill or experience that a stepchild's parents doesn't have and can add that to the SC's life as a bonus.

Notadisneymum- I don't think many parents (whether step families or parents still together) who work can facilitate all drop offs and pick ups for school, many many people use childcare. My dss's mother has a mothers help/part time nanny as she works long hours herself but complains if dss tells her that I look after him and take him somewhere nice for an afternoon when DP is working. Can't win can we.

If I had gone on to be a step mother we would have been a family and if the DC was there half the week we would just do what all families do and muck in whenever and wherever. I can't see how it works otherwise.

exactly its about the child, and if a child has a close relationship with their step parent then that child probably would want their step parent at special occasions (like school plays, first day etc), and nothing to do with what the bio parent wants.

Exclusion on the basis that the step parent might not be a positive influence or have a continued relationship with the dc later on in life in frankly ridiculous. On that basis neither should the bio parents attend then. You just have to look on this forum to read hundreds of threads about toxic (bio) parents.

Imho it sounds like you are trying to justify the unreasonable action of the bio parent controlling who the dc 'share' their memories with. Its comes across as a bit controlling.

I think you would have to have the hide of a rhino to expect to take dsc to primary school on their first day unless you all got on inordinately well. It's a parental rite of passage. When the dcs are small the idea of someone else mothering your child is tough. Bringing up dcs on your own is rewarding but can also be hard, lonely and parental 'big-moments' are treasured (true of all, lp or not). It's also often an emotional time when your child starts school. Ime once school routine is established and there are so many events that take place, then dm would probably relax about your attendance. For instance nativities are often done over a couple of evenings and also an afternoon and it's nice for the dc to have someone there that they know for each performance. Parents eves can also be tricky. Sometimes parents can put animosity aside to attend together, other times there has to be split appts; exP would have no say if you attended but ime from sitting the other side of the desk, not many step-parents attend. I certainly wouldn't, as my SM didn't, but would expect to hear all about it on return as a way of reinforcing what was said.

I did once make the erroneous assumption that I was talking to a father and a pupil's teenage sister at a parents' eve, but no, it was the new gf, not much older than the son.

I don't think a step parent has the right to take dcs to school on the first day of school over and above the bio parent. But i dont think a bio parent has the right to exclude a step parent from wave the dc go in the gates neither.

"The more people who love a DC the better for the DC."

So I guess by that logic parents should make certain to split up and quickly hook up with new partners to increase the number of pseudo-parents in their children's lives.

Oh, and I am not a "bio parent".

I am a parent.

I'd stay away if I were you. I think it would create tension. If you all got on well maybe. But as she hates you and your partner avoids her, then leave all that hostility away from the children's school lives.

I think, and I speak as a sm who pretty much despises DSD's mum, that how ever rridiculous and unreasonable it might seem if mum's experience of first day at school is going to be spoilt by you being there then you should stand aside this once.

I know a woman whose's ex's new wife insisted on also running in the mother's day race at the chuldren's school. That's extremely competitive but some of the attitudes on this thread are not far off. The only consolation is that the don't know their place step mothers (it's always mothers) look like plonkers.