Shite. DSD won't get to come with us at Christmas holidays. :-(

[ProbablyJustGas]

DH has asked his ex to consider letting us take DSD with us for a week to visit my family in America over the next New Year holidays, with DSD spending Christmas, Boxing Day, the 27th and the leadup to these holidays with exW. We would fly back from America in time for DSD to recover from jet lag and return to school on time. Although exW sounded warm to the idea at first tonight, she has since texted DH to say she's reconsidered and would rather not let DSD go at all.

I am so disappointed. I don't get the chance to visit my family that often, and they have really taken to DSD and she to them. She will be allowed to see them during other school vacation periods, so I will work with that, but my folks consider DSD their first grandkid, and they were really hoping to see her at the holidays too.

DH is very supportive of me, and has already said that if we have to, we'll try to spend some time over Christmas with DSD and then go visit my fam on our own, but .... argh. I understand that no matter how much love, affection and effort I give to this child, she's not mine. But it won't be the same. Shite. :(

I think, depending on what arrangements usually are at that time of year, it's quite a lot to ask. Maybe she needs a bit of time to mull it over? What will things be like for her at that time of year if she doesn't have her dd around?

I think it's lovely that you are so close to your step-dd and that your family are so fond of her. Shame about the holiday but maybe it will happen at some point, when dd's mother is ready.

How old is your DSD?

but she will have her for xmas, just not new year? the xmas holidays are two weeks, so you would be having half each? tho i can see that a week is a long time depending on the age of the child.

i think you will have to suck it up, but it is hard, you and your family sounds lovely.

That's a really tought situation and I feel really sorry for you.

You sound like an amazing step-mum and I'm sure your DSD and her Mum both think this as well but Christmas is a really hard time of year for seperated families and maybe as other posters have said, it's down to lonileness etc.

Give it a little more time, let her think some more and she might come round to it.

Fingers crossed for you.

nappy why should the DC miss out because of her mums feelings?!?

I know how hard it is to be apart from a DC, particularly at times of celebration, but I wouldn't dream of preventing my DD from spending time with her Dad because of how I feel about it, especially if such a fabulous opportunity was available to her.

My DD lives with her dad every other week, we alternate Xmas and she spends half of each holiday with each of us - next week she is jetting off with him to the US and I wont see her for three weeks. Am I a bad mother for allowing that? If I really cared, presumably i would miss her too much so i would I prevent her from going, wouldn't I?

I think this is really a shame and your DSD's mum is being very shortsighted. Here we have always split the xmas break down the middle so if DSS' mum wanted to do the same it would just be normal to us, and vice versa.

How old is your DSD? I hope that she knows she was invited. But at the end of the day, mum has made this decision and mum will have to live with the fallout.

My only advice is to enjoy the break as much as possible anyway, you have tried and mum has said no. But get an agreement about how the xmas break will be split in future years established now, so that you have a guaranteed piece of time within which you can plan as you like, without needing to ask mum. My DSS lives here, his mum and dad agree months in advance what weeks of the holidays he will be where and it is then simply up to the relevant parent to plan whatever they like with the time. Technically of course each parent has to agree to the other taking them abroad, but IMO/E it is usually a control thing when one parent says no to the other over holidays (with the exception of genuine flight risk or crazy requests of course).

I totally disagree with the idea at the top of the thread that it is a lot for your partner to want his own child to be able to join in on a family holiday over new year, it is fantastic for your DSD that your family have been so welcoming.

Is DSD her mother's only child? I think it was fine to offer to take DSD to the US with you for the Christmas holidays but you are being fantastically selfish to reproach her mother for refusing.

I disagree with Bonsoir totally.

Is DSD her father's only child? Why shouldn't he see his child over New Year? How selfish to not let this happen.

Step Mothers just can't win, can they? Don't do enough for the child = BAD, Do too much for the child = BAD, Treat the child differently = BAD, treat the child equally = BAD.

Sorry about this OP, I think it sounds a lovely idea, what a shame you aren't allowed to treat your DSD this way.

Bonsoir why?

I'm a stepmother and the Christmas/NY situation arises every year, so I do have quite a bit of experience .

The most important thing is that no-one should be left alone at Christmas. It is callous and cruel to put any other consideration above that.

And, quite frankly, stepmothers do not have first dibs over DSCs versus mothers and this is very especially true at Christmas.

Bonsoir ???? I don't understand your post - mum has been selfish but it is more selfish of the OP to reproach her????

On the face of it her mother is being selfish. I wonder if your DH could have a proper chat with her about why she is now refusing, maybe he could talk her round if she could see that her daughter would be getting the best of both worlds if she allows the trip, i.e getting her to recognise that it should be about what the daughter wants, not her.

Bonsoir that is an admirable, but simplistic, view, IMO - and not relevant in this case as the DSD would spend Xmas day and boxing day with her mum, going away for NY - or does your approach apply to all public holidays?

Bonsoir You're wrong

The mother here is not being selfish. She is well within her maternal rights to prefer to spend Christmas with her child.

Bonsoir, the mother will not be alone at Christmas, the proposed trip is for the NY end of the hols.

First dibs? How offensive!

I wouldn't say it is admirable, it's just plain unachievable and silly! My Dp and his ex only had one child - someone had to be on their own. So they alternated and got on with things - you know, like adults do.

Not much of that going on in your house, then, Bonsoir

I don't think other holidays are sensitive like the Christmas holidays. But Christmas holidays are sensitive and I think that a SM proposing to take a DSC to visit her parents during those holidays has every chance of hurting the mother's feelings intensely.

So don't do it.

Bonsoir Can I ask, do you yourself have children with an ex partner at all?

I have a very harmonious blended family and hence feel very comfortable giving advice about how to keep the peace