Shite. DSD won't get to come with us at Christmas holidays. :-(

[ProbablyJustGas]

DH has asked his ex to consider letting us take DSD with us for a week to visit my family in America over the next New Year holidays, with DSD spending Christmas, Boxing Day, the 27th and the leadup to these holidays with exW. We would fly back from America in time for DSD to recover from jet lag and return to school on time. Although exW sounded warm to the idea at first tonight, she has since texted DH to say she's reconsidered and would rather not let DSD go at all.

I am so disappointed. I don't get the chance to visit my family that often, and they have really taken to DSD and she to them. She will be allowed to see them during other school vacation periods, so I will work with that, but my folks consider DSD their first grandkid, and they were really hoping to see her at the holidays too.

DH is very supportive of me, and has already said that if we have to, we'll try to spend some time over Christmas with DSD and then go visit my fam on our own, but .... argh. I understand that no matter how much love, affection and effort I give to this child, she's not mine. But it won't be the same. Shite. :(

Nobody says "i know what, let's break up this happy family of BioMum BioDad, BioChildren no-other-fucker-involved and let's introduce a whole other set of step-parents, stepgrandparents stepcousins etc" no of course that situation isn't "desirable" nobody marries and has children wanting to ultimately split up.

But

break-ups happen, people get on with their lives, new relationships are formed, children meet their parents' new partners. Those new partners being proper step-parents and caring for their partner's children is the desirable option.

"Those new partners being proper step-parents and caring for their partner's children is the desirable option."

Being a proper stepparent is not being an alternative parent. SMs do not have rights over DSCs.

Completely off topic alert :::::::

Bonsoir Sorry to hear about your Partner's Mother, may I ask, why do you say MOL and FOL? I noticed it a while ago on another thread, - is it because you aren't married? - genuinely curious, feel free to ignore me if you'd rather not answer

Yes Mother Out of Law and Father Out of Law, parent of DP

SMs do not have rights over DSCs

I don't mean to say that they do, by 'caring for' I mean as opposed to not giving a shit and being uncaring and uninvolved.

Bonsoir if you feel you have to take too much responsibility for parenting your DSS's, has it ever occurred to you that could be their father's fault?

Doesn't sound like either the OP or her DSD's Mum are being unreasonable... just that they both want to spend time with DSD and their families. I guess that the Mum was assuming there'd be a split like last year, rather than a week each.

OP, is it possible that you could help your parents out with the costs of coming here instead of you going to them? Then, everyone will get to spend time with each other and DSD?

Ah I see, I wished I'd used that on DH's Mum when she was around (sadly she died before we married) I think she would have rather enjoyed being referred to as an Out Of Law

OP, I know nothing of step-parenting but from what I have read you are totally allowed to feel "shite" and be disappointed. And allowed to post your disappointment on here. And you seem to be dealing with exW decision in a sane and reasonable manner. You sound like a fabulous step-mother. Your mother seems very lovely and sensible too.

If my children ever,, ever, ever have a stepmother I would want them to be like you. And for their extended step-family (such as SM's parents) to be like yours.

I think you all sound wonderful.

And if (heaven forbid) the step-relationships did occur in out family, I would dread them to be like some of the other posters on here who appear to be talking utter guff. Their attitudes are horrifying.

Ignore them. And I hope you have a wonderful summer trip to the states and enjoy how you can spend your holidays with your DSD. You sound like a lovely lady.

ballstoit - their father's fault was breeding with her in the first place, not what he does now (he is an amazing father to the DSSs)

BTW the "heaven forbid" things is only cos I quite like my DH and don't want to think about us splitting, not as a reflection on step-relationships.

As SM, you have to care for your DSCs differently to the way you care for your own DCs because you need to preserve (prioritise) your DSCs' relationship with their own mother which you obviously don't have to do with your own DC.

lol at "breeding with her" - do you see them both as animals, or just his ex?

We are all animals

Bonsoir you other posts never seem to indicate that your prioritise your DSC's relationship with their mother in any way. If you did, maybe you could help her in some (probably smug and sanctimonious way) rather than just constantly criticise her

fishfingers you beat me to it and put it far better that I could have.

OP you sound fabulous and far far more tolerant than I would be. Ignore those looking for an argument on here, have a great trip in the summer.

We prioritise the DSSs' relationship with their mother hugely. Being very cross about what a crap mother she is does not preclude helping them to have a two-way relationship with her.

Sadly, she does not reciprocate - they mind greatly (increasingly) about this.

Bonsoir I dare to to go and post in AIBU "AIBU for wishing DP had never bred with his first wife and produced sons which she neglects and I have to pick up the slack for and look after"

and maybe include the bit where you don't want your DSC's awful cheap clothes in the machine with your own, in case your's get tainted

That's actually made me snort wine tea out of my nose...

I never said I wished anything of the sort . DP thinks he made a very poor choice in his exW, but that does not mean he lives in regret of the outcome!

Yep, must remind DH if he ever wants a divorce and to re-marry, that I would prefer the children's step-mother to be someone that is Gassy rather than a Continental Evening. Totally.

What guff. Get your head out of your arse! Cannot be easy step-parenting if you have a sanctimonious, holier than though Martyr-complex about it all.

I'm sure he doesn't regret them at all Bonsoir, - but it just appeals to my sense of humour to see you using language like "their father's fault for breeding with her" in AIBU

FWIW:

I can understand that Christmas gets chaotic and it is lovely to just chill and spend some time with the kids, watching them play with their presents and just enjoying their company. You have to share your children at Christmas with so many other people including aunts/uncles/grandparents/cousins etc and her mum may feel that she is missing out if her dd is then taken off to America.

Also who is this trip for? The dd or for the OP? I should imagine that just after the excitement of Christmas, a young 6yo will be exhausted and this could be another reason why her mother doesn't want her whisked off to America. You don't yet know how she will handle the flight, jet lag or seeing the OPs family so it's presumptious to book another trip at the New Year before even completing the first.

It's lovely that this little girl has been taken in completely by her stepmother's family but you mustn't rush it. Two trips to America in one year for a 6yo who may not be used to it is a bit much. It sounds as though the trip is more for you and your family OP, than it is for the benefit of your dsd.

Arrange it for next year instead and do try to see this from the mother's point of view. It is very hard to see your dd accepted and reared by another family. Sharing your child is a very very hard thing to do. Your dh's ex sounds very reasonable and she has obviously thought this through. I think you need to bend to her wishes this time and understand her concerns.

Fishfingers - charming.