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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Shite. DSD won't get to come with us at Christmas holidays. :-(

277 replies

ProbablyJustGas · 21/03/2012 22:33

DH has asked his ex to consider letting us take DSD with us for a week to visit my family in America over the next New Year holidays, with DSD spending Christmas, Boxing Day, the 27th and the leadup to these holidays with exW. We would fly back from America in time for DSD to recover from jet lag and return to school on time. Although exW sounded warm to the idea at first tonight, she has since texted DH to say she's reconsidered and would rather not let DSD go at all.

I am so disappointed. I don't get the chance to visit my family that often, and they have really taken to DSD and she to them. She will be allowed to see them during other school vacation periods, so I will work with that, but my folks consider DSD their first grandkid, and they were really hoping to see her at the holidays too.

DH is very supportive of me, and has already said that if we have to, we'll try to spend some time over Christmas with DSD and then go visit my fam on our own, but .... argh. I understand that no matter how much love, affection and effort I give to this child, she's not mine. But it won't be the same. Shite. :(

OP posts:
LtEveDallas · 22/03/2012 11:47

I didn't really want her growing up feeling left out of her dad's family

OP, that to me sums you up completely Smile. I think that attitude is admirable, and wish there were more like you.

chelen · 22/03/2012 11:47

They have 50/50 split Narked

NarkedPuffin · 22/03/2012 11:52

There's so many different sets of family to see over Christmas now in modern families!

I wouldn't worry too much now about what's going to be happening in 2 years time. As your DSD gets older it's more likely that she'll join you away for Christmas. Out of interest, aren't you under pressure from your DH's family to be in the UK over Christmas so they can see their granchild?

chelen · 22/03/2012 11:52

probablyjustgas Now you have said she is already going for 2.5 weeks in summer, it is obviously not a blocking for the sake of it thing.

One of the things we had to get used to quickly is we can't do everything together all the time, DSS has to get used to missing out because if he is with us he isn't with mum and vice versa. So we have made a huge effort to focus on having a great time when we are 4 and a great time when we are 3, and of course encouraging DSS to have a great time when he is away.

But I still think you need to talk about Christmas in general, because long term it would be a shame if your DSD can never do family Christmas with you, especially when/if there are siblings.

Swed · 22/03/2012 11:54

The OP arrived on the scene when the child was 4. She is now five. Hmm. The OP sounds completely over-invested and trying to take over.

Bonsoir · 22/03/2012 11:57

Swed - I agree! I think the OP needs to hurry up and have her own baby (and provide a grandchild to her parents).

OhChristFENTON · 22/03/2012 11:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

OhChristFENTON · 22/03/2012 12:01

Swed, the op is clearly thinking of the child's feelings and wants her to know that she is equally important within her dads family, that is not taking over ffs.

NarkedPuffin · 22/03/2012 12:01

Married for 1 year doesn't equal 'on the scene' for 1 year. She may have been with her now DH for longer.

EverybodyKnows · 22/03/2012 12:02

Hear hear Fenton - no need for those nasty comments.

I agree with Puffin about talking about it after the summer holiday. If DSD raves about how fun it was and all that she might warm to the idea.

Chelen also has a good point about not being able to do everything together too although in our family we've always thrived to make the girls feel as included as possible.

Good luck OP and hope you have a lovely time this summer.

Bonsoir · 22/03/2012 12:03

But the OP's parents are not "her dad's family", are they?

EverybodyKnows · 22/03/2012 12:03

They are married FFS. They are family.

Bonsoir · 22/03/2012 12:04

No they aren't. You aren't related to your father's second wife's parents.

LtEveDallas · 22/03/2012 12:06

You know, I've just read this again

...she is worried that she wouldn't have enough time with DSD herself at the hols before we took off, considering her own family will want to schedule celebrations and her own partner's family

So its OK to cut down Dad's time so that mums partner's family can see the child? I think that is really unfair. Mum has a week over Xmas to fit in all she wants to so, Dad should have a week over NY to fit in all he wants to do.

piprabbit · 22/03/2012 12:07

My initial reaction to the OP was that she was being very reasonable and it was a shame that her DSD would miss out on a trip to America at Christmas.

However, as DSD will be spending 2.5 weeks in America over the summer holidays, I think that I am slightly less sympathetic. Two trips in a year is, perhaps, a bit of a big ask. I'd be tempted to settle for making the most of the summer trip and accepting that the winter trip won't include DSD.

LtEveDallas · 22/03/2012 12:08

Oh and OP says that child is 6 not 5, so the profile must be a year old Blush. Sorry OP.

Original poster
ProbablyJustGas · 22/03/2012 12:21

She is six now. I probably need to update my profile; I never bother with it. The 50/50 care arrangement is still accurate, though - we're not an every other weekend family. If I was very detached from DSD, took little interest in her, and tried to build a new family with DH that DSD was surplus to, our family arrangement would not work. In fact, I wouldn't be a stepmother in the first place - DH wouldn't have been very impressed with me.

Fwiw, exW was the first call we made when DH and I thought about a winter holiday in America, not the last. We have not mentioned any potential Xmas/New Years in USA to DSD because we knew there was every chance her mom might say no.

@Narked: we get pressure from DH's family to see DSD every day, anyway, so pressure at Christmas is nothing new! Three days will go by since DSD's last visit with grandparents and MiL moans that she hasn't seen DSD "in aaaages, I neeeever see her, where is she, when are you bringing her over". Will be fun seeing if she is able to share grandkids with my parents if/when bio kids come along!

OP posts:
Kaluki · 22/03/2012 12:30

OP - I think you sound like a lovely stepmum and your DSD is very lucky to have her and her family. If the trip wasn't happening would you have DSD for the same amount of time at Xmas or are you asking the Mum for an extension of the time you would normally have? If it is then she is being unreasonable if you want more time then I suppose it is her perogative to say no.
Christmas is a juggling act with one family but with two it can be a nightmare.

Original poster
ProbablyJustGas · 22/03/2012 12:30

Aye, we'll see how exW feels in the future, but we're dropping it for now. I didn't think it would matter one way or the other - if we split Xmas vacation evenly and were a bit more organized than last year (which was ping-pong kid), surely this would all work out for everyone. ExW is not very organized when it comes to school holidays though - it is always DH calling and arranging childcare, time off and trying to work out who's doing what. So, maybe a bit too much pressure to change her ways in a hurry, I don't know...

My own mom emailed last night and said she's a bit disappointed too, but that I might understand how exW feels better when I have kids of my own. Perhaps so.

OP posts:
Swed · 22/03/2012 12:31

ProbJustAGas - Why did you think there was every chance her mother would say no?

Original poster
ProbablyJustGas · 22/03/2012 12:33

No, last year Xmas/New Year was just complicated. We had DSD for Xmas Eve and Xmas morning. ExW had DSD Xmas afternoon and Boxing Day. Then I think things got a bit mixed up ... can't remember why ... and DSD ended up at our house the 27th, Mum's house 28-30, and then back with us for Hogmanay.

Usually, we split school vacations 50/50 - we get a week, other house gets a week. That makes it easier for us to arrange childcare with grandparents or holiday camps.

OP posts:
Original poster
ProbablyJustGas · 22/03/2012 12:36

@Swed - because DH had asked her to consider the idea a couple years ago, and she flipped. A lot of time has passed since then, we've all gotten to know each other more, and DH and ex are a lot kinder to each other now.

When she said no this time, she was not aggro about it, just stated why she wasn't comfortable.

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 22/03/2012 12:39

"My own mom emailed last night and said she's a bit disappointed too, but that I might understand how exW feels better when I have kids of my own."

Listen to your mother Smile

Kaluki · 22/03/2012 12:40

Did she say why she is uncomfortable?
Presumably if you have her for a week she wouldn't see her anyway so why is it an issue if you take her away?

Swed · 22/03/2012 12:42

ProbablyJustAGas - I see your DSD's parents only broke up when she was in P1 and now she is in P2. It's very early days for you all isn't it? I'm sure you have her best interests at heart but I think your over-investment is going to cause all sorts of difficulties.

My best advice to you would be to take your foot off the gas for a bit.

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