Shite. DSD won't get to come with us at Christmas holidays. :-(

[ProbablyJustGas]

DH has asked his ex to consider letting us take DSD with us for a week to visit my family in America over the next New Year holidays, with DSD spending Christmas, Boxing Day, the 27th and the leadup to these holidays with exW. We would fly back from America in time for DSD to recover from jet lag and return to school on time. Although exW sounded warm to the idea at first tonight, she has since texted DH to say she's reconsidered and would rather not let DSD go at all.

I am so disappointed. I don't get the chance to visit my family that often, and they have really taken to DSD and she to them. She will be allowed to see them during other school vacation periods, so I will work with that, but my folks consider DSD their first grandkid, and they were really hoping to see her at the holidays too.

DH is very supportive of me, and has already said that if we have to, we'll try to spend some time over Christmas with DSD and then go visit my fam on our own, but .... argh. I understand that no matter how much love, affection and effort I give to this child, she's not mine. But it won't be the same. Shite. :(

Kaluki - can you really not perceive the difference for a mother between her child spending a week at her father's home with her father and stepmother, and her child spending a week at her stepmother's parents' home many thousands of miles away, with her father and stepmother?

The thing is - the nature of the situation of the father and the OP is that going to America will be a regular occurence. The mother and father have a 50:50 split of access, and therefore whether the mother likes it or not, the father has a reasonable expectation of being able to spend half the holidays with his child.

I can see why the mother might not like the idea, but it does should like she is keen for her daughter to spend some time over the holidays with her new partner's parents, so a refusual to let her daughter to spend time with the fathers's partner's parents is double standards imo. Imo it is neither here nor there whether that time is in the US or in timbuktoo - on a 50:50 basis the father surely gets to spend half the holidays with his daughter, without being dictated to as to the location.

Bonsoir some clearly see you posts as offensive. To be honest, given the nasty judgemental posts I have seen of yours openly repeatedly criticising your step-children's mother, I just find the hypocrisy quite amusing.

allnewtaketwo - if you were a little more careful in your reading, you would be able to see that my criticisms of the OP over-investing in her DSD against the DSD's mother's feelings are entirely consistent with my own feelings towards my own DSSs' mother's negligent parenting.

Your blended family may be "very harmonious" bonsoir, but you sure don't give that impression the way you moan about your partner's ex on here all the time. Or the way you used to moan about the boys, though you have been nicer about them of late.

allnewtaketwo - the OP has also said that it is in the divorce agreement that neither parent may take this little girl out of the country without the other parent's permission. So it is not immaterial (as you seem to think) whether the girl is taken to Timbuktu or America or wherever.

Why is everyone being so spiteful to Bonsoir? She has lots of experience of step-parenting issues and has made some very good points on this thread.

Very harmonious doesn't mean that we don't have problems to overcome . What we don't do is wallow in them - we find solutions. Which is what the OP seems to want to do.

I misread your op last night, and thought you were asking for Christmas as well as New Year. I think as long as the time is split evenly between her mum and her dad, what he chooses to do during his time with her is down to him.

I do wonder why she's feeling reluctant about this trip, considering that she had no problem with a 2.5 week summer trip. It doesn't quite add up to her being difficult about contact or trips abroad.

I can understand your disappointment about not being able to take her. One of the things I found hardest about being in a blended family was that at times, what we did, or the opportunities dsd had, were dictated by either her mum having to be in agreement, or that it was her time with her mum. Yes, you can fight things by getting contact orders, stuff like that, but we never considered it really worth stirring up a hornet's nest.

And I too felt like I gave so much love and care to dsd, but at the end of the day she wasn't mine. It taught me about giving unconditional love I think -and it was just a case of accepting that that was life for a blended family, and that was life as a stepmum.

Bonsoir - No, really I can't see the difference. The father has 50/50 split with the mother. If my ex wanted to take our dc abroad I would miss them of course, but I would be happy for them to go with hm because he is their Dad and I trust him to take good care of them as he trusts me to care for them when he is not with them!
The hypocrisy on this board astounds me at times. If we don't want to take our step children away we are wicked stepmothers, if we do we are overstepping!!
I wonder how this thread would have gone if it was a biological Mum who's ex was refusing to let her take the dc on holiday?

Why doesn't the OP get her US family to come to the UK for Christmas?

She has already said they can't afford it.

I don't know if Kaluki can Bonsoir - but I certainly can't. It is not up to the mother to dictate what the father does with the child when she is with him. Just as it is not up to the father to dictate what the mother does with the child when she is with her.

If the mother is happy to allow her child to visit with her partners parents (as is said above), then she has no right to be unhappy when the child visits the fathers ILs - no matter where they happen to be.

Especially as we are at least 2 years into this scenario.

(Disclaimer, my DSD has not been allowed to spend Xmas with us, ever. Last Xmas DSD was 16 and told her mother that she "Couldn't stop her now". We had a lovely time. DSD mum was on her own, having left it too late to make other arrangements. Result = bad feeling all round. The sooner fair arrangements are made in blended families the better - it saves resentment later down the line.)

Yes, given that the op is taking the child to the US in the summer, that does seem most reasonable.

Bonsoir - does worrying about your DSC's mothers' "negligence" necessitate spiteful comments about her being fat and liking chav clothes?

Indeed, Swed. For two Christmases in a row, when my MOL was ill and dying with cancer, all my family came to Paris (my parents from England, my sister and family from Amsterdam) so that DP and all his children could be around his mother and father for Christmas and not leave them alone. Even though they are Jewish and don't really care! But there are circumstances when everyone understands that it would be callous not to prioritise a situation where there is maximum kindness towards those with the most vulnerable feelings at Christmas.

bonsoir how can it not be inconsistent to have an opinion about the care of your own DSC, and object to their mothers neglect, while at the same time asserting that DSC do not need adults other than biological relatives to care about them?

By your own definition, you are overstepping your role as their fathers partner - you should not care, nor have an opinion, about their welfare

And don't I remember a thread of your's bonsoir where there was a fuss over you not wanting your DSC's mother to go to her own childrens parents evening because she would let them down. Overstepping - much?

No, that is not a correct analysis. Stepmothers have a role to play in their stepchildren's lives providing that their DSCs own mother's toes are not stepped upon. I wish my DSCs' mother would do more and not leave so much up to me! She is negligent and it is infuriating!

I'll give you the most recent example: the DSSs' mother undertook to host DSS2's Canadian exchange partner these past two weeks. We had agreed, many months ago, that the exchange partner would stay at her home because he has come to France to learn French and an awful lot of English is spoken in our home, rather defeating the object of the exercise. There was only weekend anyway.

At the last moment, the DSSs' mother decided to spend the weekend in the south of France at a party. She thought the children could stay alone at home with EUR 300 for company.

Negligent or negligent? How would you feel if you sent your 14 year old DC on a language exchange to the other side of the world and discovered the parent who had committed (signed paperwork) to be in loco parentis had flitted off for the weekend?

NotaDisney A child does not NEED more parents in her life. Step families are not desirable. That is perfectly compatible with caring about DSC. I'm spelling this out for you, because you persist in spouting everyone's words back at them, enitely out of context. If you use English as a second language then obviously I apologise.

Who decides whether toes are being stepped on?
In my case, speaking to my DSC was not acceptable to their mum - is it their mums decision?
Should I have bought my DSS the shoes he needed, despite his mums assertion that his old ones were fine - the store measured them a size too small - is that neglect?

Who decides when a SM is overstepping - the biomum, the biodad or the SM - and what are the chances that they will agree?

As an aside - an agreement on divorce paperwork is not legally binding - unless a Section 8 residence order is in place, anyone with PR can remove a DC from the country without permission of the others.

I agree that it seems inconsistant that mum will allow 2 weeks in the summer but doesn't want to 'share' DD over the Christmas/NY period.Perhaps she is worried that she will be lonely.It can be hard to be selfless.What contact would she allow should you be in the UK I wonder?
Maybe it is still early days.My DD has a wonderful relationship with her Stepmum but I didn't always find it easy to foster this relationship IYSWIM.It can be very hard to allow someone else the opportunity to love your child at times but I'm glad now that my DD has a huge extended family who all love her to bits.You sound like a very loving and kind StepMum to me.

Swed, I think you have got that slightly backwards. NADM isn't doing that at all, and seeing as most other people on this thread agree with her, and not with you or Bonsoir, you may wish to 'check your spelling'

If your family is generally harmonious (even when, as SM, you feel rather overworked and involved in things that are other people's responsibility), you are in all probability not stepping on any one's toes! Even if you have to vent a bit from time to time because you are putting your DSCs' needs before your own.

Okay, ProbablyJustGas, so it looks like it's just a no go this time but perhaps by way of 'leaving the door open' on the subject perhaps you could say to her that you absolutely respect her feelings that she's not comfortable with it this time but perhaps it's something she could consider for next year.

And your Mum is right about feeling differently when you have your own, it makes me ache to think of my children going off and spending family time elsewhere - (God forbid that something should ever happen to my marriage) but to be really honest that ache would partly be feelings of jealousy about my time with them having to be shared with someone else, so it's not such a pure emotion IYSWIM.

My stepmother experience is a long and complex story , but one thing I wished is that DH's exW could understand what it's like to have a child in your home who isn't 'yours' but you naturally want to love and care for, - especially when you have known them from so young. She has never experienced the other side of this blended families caper, - she has been careful not to get involved with anyone with children because she couldn't be doing with anyone else's kids - her words.

Anyway I shan't ramble on any longer, we'll be here all day, - you do sound like a truly lovely stepmother, and will make a fantastic Mother I'm sure .

Step families are not desirable

Really? What is?