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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Shite. DSD won't get to come with us at Christmas holidays. :-(

277 replies

ProbablyJustGas · 21/03/2012 22:33

DH has asked his ex to consider letting us take DSD with us for a week to visit my family in America over the next New Year holidays, with DSD spending Christmas, Boxing Day, the 27th and the leadup to these holidays with exW. We would fly back from America in time for DSD to recover from jet lag and return to school on time. Although exW sounded warm to the idea at first tonight, she has since texted DH to say she's reconsidered and would rather not let DSD go at all.

I am so disappointed. I don't get the chance to visit my family that often, and they have really taken to DSD and she to them. She will be allowed to see them during other school vacation periods, so I will work with that, but my folks consider DSD their first grandkid, and they were really hoping to see her at the holidays too.

DH is very supportive of me, and has already said that if we have to, we'll try to spend some time over Christmas with DSD and then go visit my fam on our own, but .... argh. I understand that no matter how much love, affection and effort I give to this child, she's not mine. But it won't be the same. Shite. :(

OP posts:
LtEveDallas · 22/03/2012 10:50

First dibs is ridiculous and offensive.

If a split is amicable and not as a result of anything untoward then the mother of the child has no more "right" to the child than the father. 50/50 shared care should be exactly that, and holidays come under this umbrella.

The mother of the child is seeing her daughter over christmas. The father of the child wants to see her over New Year. What he wants to do with her during that period is immaterial. If he wants to take her on holiday, whether to Barry Butlins or USA is up to him.

It is very unfair of the mother to say no to this - why wouldn't she want her daughter to have even more people that love her around her?

A child is not an object, nor a reason for mum not to be lonely. She is a person in her on right and isn't owned by anyone. How sad Sad

chelen · 22/03/2012 10:52

Swed thanks for the travel advice. Anyway...

OhChristFENTON · 22/03/2012 10:52

Yet again damned if you do damned if you don't springs to mind. Hmm

How many times do we read on here about step extended families not treating step children the equally, and here's a stepmother and her parents wanting to accept and embrace a stepchild into the wider family and someone says 'tell them to get over it, she isn't theirs for the taking'

Disgusting talk, and from a step mother too.

ElephantsAreMadeOfElements · 22/03/2012 10:52

Bonsoir, do you really want us to look up the criticism of your DSSs' mother that you've posted in the past? On the one hand, that's not a very MN thing to do, but on the other I am finding it hard to believe that you are having the brass neck to condemn a post that says NOTHING AT ALL EVEN SLIGHTLY RUDE about the child's mother as being "nasty and selfish" after some of the things I remember your saying in the past.

Bonsoir · 22/03/2012 10:53

"It is very unfair of the mother to say no to this - why wouldn't she want her daughter to have even more people that love her around her?"

Children do not need even more parents and grandparents and it is not desirable for them to have them. Everyone should know their place and harmonious stepparenting relationships arise from respecting a child's relationships with his/her own family.

GnocchiGnocchiWhosThere · 22/03/2012 10:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

herecomesthsun · 22/03/2012 10:55

Sounds fair to me, Christmas with mum, New Year with Dad/ stepmum.

I wonder what reason the mum gave for "reconsidering". It is also possible that there might be some history that is influencing this decision - relationship break-ups being the tricky things they are.

I am a bit puzzled by Bonsoir's reaction also - the OP came across as a stepmum who was both reasonable and caring.

Bonsoir · 22/03/2012 10:55

Elephants - my DSSs' mother is consistently negligent. That is very much opposite to the situation that the OP's mother has posted about.

chelen · 22/03/2012 10:58

Bonsoir The father of the child is also the child's family.

Perhaps you don't understand - when parents separate then there are two families - both these families are the child's families.

Lovecat · 22/03/2012 11:00

For 'negligent' you mean 'fat' and buys her children what you consider to be inappropriate clothing.

Breathtaking hypocrisy.

You still haven't addressed the fact that she won't be alone for Christmas, only New Year.

GnocchiGnocchiWhosThere · 22/03/2012 11:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LtEveDallas · 22/03/2012 11:01

"Children do not need even more parents and grandparents and it is not desirable for them to have them"

I didn't mention parents and grandparent - I said even more people to love them

The more people that love my child the better - the more secure, happy and well loved she feels is very desirable, thanks.

OhChristFENTON · 22/03/2012 11:03

Children do not need even more parents and grandparents and it is not desirable for them to have them. Everyone should know their place and harmonious stepparenting relationships arise from respecting a child's relationships with his/her own family.

I do not agree with a single fucking word of that.

I would however agree with a tweek

"harmonious stepparenting relationships arise from respecting a child's relationships with his/her own families"

The mother should think of that ^

NotaDisneyMum · 22/03/2012 11:05

swed I assume you've shared your wisdom on all the posts elsewhere on MN that relate to long-haul travel, or is it reserved for the stepmums?

Bonsoir I am horrified at the thought that if I chose to deprive my DD of the opportunity to have more people in her life to love and care for her, there are people like you who would defend my decision Sad

NotaDisneyMum · 22/03/2012 11:07

Bonsoir, why do you care about your DSC's and their mothers neglect?

They don't need you in their life to look after them.

ElephantsAreMadeOfElements · 22/03/2012 11:12

Perhaps she is consistently negligent (although we only have your side of the story). The fact remains, though, that you consistently post referring to her as (e.g.) "a crap mother" (and that's an actual quote, not a bizarre made-up version like your 'quote' from the OP here), then come on this thread where the OP has not breathed one single word of criticism of her DSD's mother, and tell her that she's being nasty and selfish and that she should take advice from you as an expert in harmonious stepparenting. That's quite impressive.

NarkedPuffin · 22/03/2012 11:16

CHILL PEOPLE

Returning to the OP...

How old is the child?

Swed · 22/03/2012 11:31

It might actually be the child who doesn't want to go America.

chelen · 22/03/2012 11:38

Swed how old are your stepkids? When you take them on holiday do they usually not want to go with you?

Just wondering cos my DSS loves holidays with both his parents, can only imagine him being excited at the prospect.

Why do you think the child wouldn't want to go?

EverybodyKnows · 22/03/2012 11:39

OP Don't go !

I think it's a shame DSD will lose out on this lovely opportunity to meet her extended family.

Sadly it looks like DSD's mum is playing mind games (power) with you guys. Maybe leave it alone for a while and try talking to her again about the positive of that trip for DSD ?

I've taken my DSDs with me to North America to meet our family because, Shock yes, they are part of it and happy to see them. They absolutely ove those trips away and would be very annoyed if they were not included.

LtEveDallas · 22/03/2012 11:40

Hey Narked, looking at the OPs profile it seems that the DSD is at least 5 years old.

Again, just going from the profile, OP and her DH have been married 1 year and they do not yet have any children together. They share 50/50 care with the mother.

Obvs I dont know how up to date the profile is.

OP - I hope you didn't find this intrusive of me, your profile is open. If you are unhappy, I will ask MN to delete (I just thought it would stop the questions) Smile

Original poster
ProbablyJustGas · 22/03/2012 11:43

Wow. Wasn't expecting this response. Thank you for the support so far.

DSD is six, so I can understand some folks will see that as a little young. However, she is coming with us to visit my family for the first time this summer, during her school vacation, so travelling to the USA won't be brand new to her by Christmas. It is a big family trip - me, DH, DSD, DH's parents and DH's niece - that will last for about 2.5 weeks, so maybe exW feels a week at New Year would be too much.

The exW has indicated that she's not comfortable with Christmas/New Year before (about a year or two ago), but since then, she gave us the thumbs up to take DSD to America with us during the summer. Part of me was hoping she would change her mind about the winter holidays, especially if we went away for New Year instead of Christmas itself.

From what she's said to DH, I think she is worried that she wouldn't have enough time with DSD herself at the hols before we took off, considering her own family will want to schedule celebrations and her own partner's family (his folks being a lot like mine) will also want to have some. My family are happy to have Christmas in January - I think we're a little more used to it since we're all scattered so far and wide - but obviously we were hoping to manage that around DSD's school schedule, as neither house wants to pull her out of school.

We do need exW's permission to take DSD out of the country - it's part of the divorce agreement (DH gets yay/veto power as well when exW wants a foreign trip).

I think I am also disappointed because DH and I would like to have kids together in the future, and I do not want my bio kids missing out on having Christmas holidays with their American family. So, if we take any bio kids with us to USA for Christmas/New Year, and exW doesn't ever change her mind about letting DSD go, then DSD will have to miss out. I didn't really want her growing up feeling left out of her dad's family - I was friends with kids who felt exactly that way, and it did hurt them deeply.

Right now, I am in a better financial position to take my family - kids and all - with me to the States than my folks are to come to me. But hopefully the latest development will encourage them to save a bit more on their end and travel to us sometimes.

OP posts:
NarkedPuffin · 22/03/2012 11:43

Your DSS might love it Chelen, but not all DCs are the same.

There's a lack of info here.

How old is the child? How long has she been away from her mother for in the past, ie has she ever been away from her for more than a weekend? Has the child been abroad before etc

Bonsoir · 22/03/2012 11:46

ProbablyJustGas - I think you need to get used to the idea that when you and your DH have children, your DSD will not spend every Christmas holiday that you spend with your family abroad with you. Nor even every summer holiday. She won't be "missing out". That is the concept that you need to get to grips with.

NarkedPuffin · 22/03/2012 11:46

x posts.

If she's fine with your DSD going away for 2.5 weeks in the summer then it doesn't sound like she's being unreasonable.

Christmas holidays are a lot shorter, and it's a long way to fly to only stay for a week.

Why not talk to her again after the summer, and see how she feels then?

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