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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Shite. DSD won't get to come with us at Christmas holidays. :-(

277 replies

ProbablyJustGas · 21/03/2012 22:33

DH has asked his ex to consider letting us take DSD with us for a week to visit my family in America over the next New Year holidays, with DSD spending Christmas, Boxing Day, the 27th and the leadup to these holidays with exW. We would fly back from America in time for DSD to recover from jet lag and return to school on time. Although exW sounded warm to the idea at first tonight, she has since texted DH to say she's reconsidered and would rather not let DSD go at all.

I am so disappointed. I don't get the chance to visit my family that often, and they have really taken to DSD and she to them. She will be allowed to see them during other school vacation periods, so I will work with that, but my folks consider DSD their first grandkid, and they were really hoping to see her at the holidays too.

DH is very supportive of me, and has already said that if we have to, we'll try to spend some time over Christmas with DSD and then go visit my fam on our own, but .... argh. I understand that no matter how much love, affection and effort I give to this child, she's not mine. But it won't be the same. Shite. :(

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 22/03/2012 10:32

Chelen - no, I have child with my DP (my DSSs' half-sister).

ElephantsAreMadeOfElements · 22/03/2012 10:33

Bonsoir, the mother is spending Christmas with her child. The suggestion was that she didn't also spend 28 Dec-3 Jan with her child.

And OP didn't reproach the child's mother.

chelen · 22/03/2012 10:33

The idea of 'maternal rights' (I am not sure what that even means, I have my own child too btw and as far as I see it I have mostly responsibilities) extending to being allowed to stop your kids seeing their dad over the entire Christmas holidays seems a bit, erm, odd.

Bonsoir · 22/03/2012 10:34

I thought the OP was immensely reproachful: "It's not fair I can't take DSD on holiday with me." Bloody hell.

HavePatience · 22/03/2012 10:35

ProbablyJustGas - how old is DSD?

No experience, but I guess, if dh and I were divorced and he had a new partner, I would feel awful (at first anywya, if I am honest) about ds spending time growing to love another mother even a stepmother. And growing to love her whole family... It would take a lot of adjusting. :(.

I also agree that Christmas holidays are more emotive for many than other holidays...

NotaDisneyMum · 22/03/2012 10:36

Bonsoir - yes, it is incredibly hurtful - I've been on the receiving end, but its not about me, it's about DD.

Imagine if every separated parent avoided doing anything that hurt the feelings of their former partner Wink

chelen · 22/03/2012 10:36

Bonsoir you're reading something nasty into a very nice post.

Truffkin · 22/03/2012 10:37

But surely if the daughter would be at her Dad's for the second part of the holidays, it wouldn't make a practical difference to her Mom if she is at their house or in the States. Would it? The 'Mom will be lonely' argument is a bit of a red herring IMO as separated parents with shared custody will have to be without that child at some point.

Complete aside: When we were kids I used to feel terrible about leaving my Dad 'one his own' when we went to my Mom's. Now I realise that as a twenty-something man, he had a great time Grin

Bonsoir · 22/03/2012 10:39

It is very bad parenting indeed to let children ignore their other parent's feelings on the matter. It is not just about the child. It is about everyone.

Bonsoir · 22/03/2012 10:39

chelen - I thought it was a particularly nasty and selfish post.

chelen · 22/03/2012 10:39

Truffkin - exactly. Here DSS is either home or away. It doesn't change things for us whether he is away on holiday or just away at mum's house.

Bletchley · 22/03/2012 10:41

She will be with her mum over Christmas, there is no reason why she shouldn't be with her dad over new year.

ElephantsAreMadeOfElements · 22/03/2012 10:41

Ah, I think you may perhaps be confusing "an anonymous Internet message board full of strangers" with "the child's mother". To reproach someone, you have to actually say it to them. Otherwise it's just having a bit of a moan, just as you do when you complain here about your DSSs' mother doing something you don't like.

And the OP never said it wasn't fair. She said that she was disappointed but explicitly recognised that her DSD was not the same as her biological child however much she loved her.

OhChristFENTON · 22/03/2012 10:42

Bonsoir look at what you're saying though, Dad wants to have his daughter with him for the latter half of the hols, Mum is not allowing it, she's ignoring the want of the other parent then.

Bonsoir · 22/03/2012 10:43

There were many things wrong with the OP eg "my folks consider DSD their first grandkid." Tell them to get over it. She isn't theirs for the taking!

chelen · 22/03/2012 10:44

Bonsoir I really don't see what is selfish about wanting to include every member of your family in a holiday.

You do understand that the DSD's FATHER is the OP's partner? So it isn't the SM just wanting to steal her away, it's a family holiday that the DSD is being prevented from going on.

Bonsoir · 22/03/2012 10:45

It's a very long way away and, more importantly, it is a visit to her DD's SM's parents. It's pretty selfish (even spiteful) to moan about that being against the mother's wishes.

Bonsoir · 22/03/2012 10:45

The father isn't posting.

chelen · 22/03/2012 10:46

Bonsoir You sound really horrid now, how should the GPs treat her - maybe buy her slightly cheaper and crapper presents just to emphasise the different relationship?

SilverSixpence · 22/03/2012 10:47

chelen - I thought it was a particularly nasty and selfish post.

totally agree with Elephants, venting your disappointment on the internet is hardly being nasty and selfish. Shock at Bonsoir

NotaDisneyMum · 22/03/2012 10:48

Bonsoir really? You think that DCs should be exposed to the tears of their dad when he can't see them on Christmas Day? Or the anger of their mum when she has to wave them goodbye for a contact visit?

Don't you think a child has a right tons relationship with both parents without the guilt of being responsible for their parents feelings?

My DSS told his mum that he didn't want to talk to her on the phone every day while he was here, because it makes him sad to think about her lonely at home on her own - he told her he wanted to be able to have fun while he was here. Is he wrong?

ElephantsAreMadeOfElements · 22/03/2012 10:48

That's just twaddle, Bonsoir. Look at the boards here for scores of parents devastated that the step-grandparents marginalise the step-grandchildren and dont't treat them as a full and equal part of the family. Here you get a set of grandparents determined to do the right thing and fully embrace their daughter's DSD into their family and you treat it as proof that there's something wrong with them and, by extension, their entire family, and they must immediately stop giving her equal status because it's nasty and selfish.

chelen · 22/03/2012 10:49

hahahahaha at it's a very long way - wtf has that got to do with it?

Swed · 22/03/2012 10:49

I'm not sure if it was reasonable to ask or not.

How old is the child?
How long has the OP been married to the child's father?
How often does the child spend time with her father and the OP?
Have they taken her away for a week before?

Swed · 22/03/2012 10:50

I wouldn't take young children to America for a week. It's too far and travelling is horrible.

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