DSD in our bed? AIBU to feel wierd about this?

[kaluki]

DSD is 7, she is a very clingy and needy child and craves attention.
Before DP and I met she used to sleep in the same bed as him at his house as she didn't like sleeping in her room on her own and she used to have nightmares, she was only 5 when we met.
When she stays over at our house now she sleeps in her own bed in the room next door to us which she shares with DSS she but always comes in to us early in the morning and gets in bed with us. She won't lie on DP's side, she has to be in between us, in the middle. She just wants to be cuddled, but I feel so uncomfortable with it.

My own DSs have never co-slept with me since they were toddlers and got their 'grown up beds' and now they are older they wouldn't dream of getting in bed with us.
She came in at 7.00 on Sunday and I just had to get up to get away from her, I felt suffocated. I feel bad because she is just a child who wants a cuddle but it feels so alien to me, probably because my boys aren't really clingy at all (is it a boy thing maybe?). DP asked why I got up so early and I told him I wanted some space and he just made light of it.
Am I being a horrible stepmonster? Should I let her carry on doing this or say no from now on she has to stay in her bed? And if so - up to what age can she still do this.
Please don't flame me. I am trying so hard to make allowances for her but I really just want my bed to be my space. Its the only place I have left!

I don't think it's unreasonable to feel weird about it. There are times when i feel weird around my DSS who is 10. I've known him since before he was 2 but still feel like a bit odd around him physically because we've never really had a very physical (hugs, holding hands) type relationship even when he was little.
OTOH - not sure there's much you can do about it. I'm not sure your DSD is being that unreasonable herself. At 7 i would have been up at that time on a sunday and would probably have climbed into bed with my mum and dad. You should be pleased she feels comfortable around you, even if that doesn't stop you feeling weird.
Does she climb in and go back to sleep or is she awake and wanting to play/watch tv? If the latter you could show her how to work the tv and let her go down and watch cartoons to let you lie in for a bit? Just a thought.
Otherwise i'd say not to risk offending her and just put up with it, surely it's only 1 or 2 mornings a week? She may feel like you're rejecting her if she's a sensitive child.
Maybe you could ask DH to take her down to the lounge for 1 morning to give you some space? Then she's not being rejected, rather you're being given a lie in. This is what happens in our house if it's mother's day or something.

Oh and it's not a girl/boy thing - my DS(3.10) and DSS (10) both climb in at the morning at weekends. Although we don't snooze we all get a cup of tea and put cartoons on. Plus DSS stays the other side of DH now that DS goes in the middle.

I think it's because your bed and your bedroom are a very private place and a sanctuary away from everybody.

When a child who isn't biologically yours just pitches up and jumps between you and wants affection, it's really hard to deal with.

I don't think your DSD is being unreasonable at all - it's what a lot of kids do at that age. My DSD aged 9 will do it (albeit rarely nowadays) but that doesn't mean I like it.

We allow her to watch tv in her room or downstairs now so she doesn't find a cuddle with us boring old people so tempting. Do you think you could encourage something like this and would DP support you?

My DD is 8 and still gets in with me sometimes - often in the morning, or sometimes (more alarmingly!) after she's been sent to bed but before I go to bed. I think it's entirely normal - and all the easier to indulge if you're a single parent, though I'm trying to wean her off it before I move in with DP. He's keen that I do, and I know how he feels as I think I'd be horrified if his DS (who's the same age) wanted snuggles in our bed in the morning (thankfully, he doesn't). I think it's one of those things that reminds you that you really don't feel the same way about children that aren't your own. Could you ask your DP to get her to snuggle in on his side of the bed, so that he's in the middle?

kaluki You are talking about my DSD!! She is 5 and does the exact same thing. wakes at 6.30am every morning 3 days a week and comes into our room says loudly WAKE UP DADDY. I NEED THE LOO THEN I WANT TO GET IN.

and By the time the sentence is finished everyone is a wake ( Annoying!! cos its early) Then she will climb in her dads side do nothing but wriggle pull covers talk loudly .... which ends up making me huff!! good way to start a day!.

Sometimes OH takes her downstairs and puts the tv on and then he`ll come back to bed (he likes to get a lie in... which does not happen when she is here!!)... but then she starts to shout for things from the lounge!

My own son doesnt do this hed rather stay in his own bed til i go in and ask if hes guna get up. He never bothers us.

It is only a small gripe ......... but like you it annoys the hell out of me too. and bear it!!

It doesnt help in our house if i am away for the night i am 99% positive OH lets DSD sleep in our bed!! my space my pillow!! As if she is my friggin replacement while i`m not there...... I FIND THAT WRONG.

my ds is 6 and still does this sometimes. i would never tell him i dont want him in my bed but sometimes i do really wish he wouldn't. sometimes i just want my own bed ti myself and my own space. i reckon he will grow out of it. i dont have a partner but i imagine it wold be weird for any partner if i did have one.

Think NADM has read a post of mine before saying that my OH does something with DSD called adult spousal status... i just remembered!

Thats another example of it with the bed thing. Why he needs me to be with him if he chooses to put his daughter on that pedistal i dont know.
????????????? Is that why i sometimes wonder what i am doing with him !???

My DD is 9 and comes in to us for a cuddle in the morning. She is not nervous or needy. She just likes it, as do we, because we love her. Lots of her friends gets snuggles in bed before school too. They are not needy or manipulative either. When DH is away on trips DD often sleeps a night or two in with me.

It must be odd as she is not your biological dd. I absoloutely see that that creates a whole different scenario and i have no experience so would not comment on that.
But her desire for cuddles in bed seems to me to be entirely normal and healthy and nothing to do with her usurping your relationship or any other such psychobbable theory.

If you aren't comfortable with this, OP, you need to say so. I agree that a couple's bed is theirs and theirs alone unless they both agree to sharing it.

Hi, I don't think it is a question of what is right per se, but what is right for you.

What matters is you don't like it. You are not being a stepmonster, you didn't do it with your own, it just isn't your thing.

However, I don't think it is right to say she can't do this with her Dad. I think the compromise is to say 'you can come in the bed but you have to go on Dad's side because Kaluki might want to try to get back to sleep. Then you don't have to cuddle and she doesn't have to not cuddle.

Don't read too much into this, lots of kids like getting into the big bed and it is something they just grow out of.

It would be such a shame for your DSD to be told "you're not allowed to come in for a cuddle" so I think chelen's idea is a good one.

Thanks for not flaming me!
She refuses to go on her dads side for some reason she likes being in the middle. I have woken up before to her face nose to nose with mine! She doesn't want to watch tv just wants to be hugged. Constantly.
She is a very demanding child, she won't amuse herself and still wants daddy to carry her about like a baby . She is pushed out at home because her mum has had a baby girl and she has 3 stepsisters there and at mine she has 3 boys to put up with.
I understand her need for security and attention and during the day we spend a lot of time entertaining her, giving her attention and hugs but my God it's draining.
I just need some space and as you say my bed is my sanctuary!
I will just put up and shut up I guess. As usual!

Crikey! That puts another light on things - three boys at your house and four girls at her mother's . I can understand that she is desperate for attention.

Not that that deals with your personal space issue. How about you come to an agreement that, on the weekends she is with you, she can have one morning where she comes into your bed for a cuddle (and you play the game) and one where she has to get up and amuse herself until you have had your lie in?

Yes, Bonsoirs compromise is a good one.

The other thing we do if we don't want to be woken up on a weekend morning is DH makes a big thing of doing a big snuggle under a duvet or blanket in the tv room before bedtime. She used to wrap up with him in her pyjamas and watch strictly come dancing on condition that she would stay in her room in the morning.
DH used to have to pretend to enjoy strictly and some snuggles too.

Why not give her a cuddle for 5 mins and then get up leaving her with her dad for a bit?

In answer to how long will this go on for I think as long as the child wants it to is the answer.

I used to do this when 5 or 6. It was part of my routine with my mother - wake up, then go into her bed for a bit before we both got up - so when I stayed with my Dad and his wife for a while, I just automatically did the same. I think they were a bit surprised but accommodated it - they didn't have other children point and were trying to keep things normal for me as much as possible. I think I stopped doing this with anyone at about 6 and remember being encouraged to read or listen to stories if I couldn't sleep or was up early, which worked well.

'at that point'

Can you buy a bigger bed?

It would drive me nuts, I can't bear co-sleeping but I don't think your dsd is odd and she will grow out of it eventually.

Another approach is "Kaluki can't sleep with you in the middle, you either sleep Daddy's side whilst having a huge cuddle with him or do not get in at all" Harsh but a fair compromise.

You can't help the way you feel I suppose but I am a little that you and other posters on here cannot raise the enthusiasm to give your DP's children a bit of affection. Surely you feel something for this child other than that she's an annoying nuisance. Stepchildren can't win really. Either they are being criticised because they hate their stepparents and here they are being criticised for wanting affection from their stepparent.

She's SO young! Why on earth would you object to cuddling a 7 year old! When I read the title I assumed she was a teenager!

My parents had a good trick to give them a bit more of a lie-in at weekends - they'd sneak a plastic bowl under my and my brother's beds while we were asleep that had a little morning snack in - some nuts and raisins, a biscuit, a square of chocolate if we were lucky - so when we woke up we'd be distracted and not go into their bed.

I think they particularly wanted us to stay out of their bed as we didn't exactly want to snuggle up...we preferred to jump around on their bed to wake them up on Saturday mornings singing 'What Shall we do with the Drunken Sailor?'...kids, eh?

Clearly your DSD does have particular reason to want attention but it's I'd say it's definitely right to try and set some boundaries. Particularly the wanting to still be treated as a baby by Daddy...remember a young child in my family being quite like this at the same age, e.g. wanting to be carried up stairs instead of walking up, and his parents were quite firm about saying 'boys who are old enough to go to school don't need to be carried upstairs'.

Is this every weekend? Or alternate?
And how many nights per weekend?

It is most definitely not odd, needy or insecure for a little girl to come into bed for a cuddle in a morning though. Infact in many families it is very much the norm and considered quite a lovely thing.

However, you don't like it. So you need to consider what you can do to make it fair to eevryone.

If she is only visiting every other weekend, why not accept that on those alternate weekends you won't get as big a lie in. If you can't deal with her wanting a cuddle, then let her cuddle daddy and you go downstairs for a quiet laze on the sofa for a while.

Or insist that she gets in at daddy's side. If she gets in the middle, have DP move her over.

My dd is 12 and still does this sometimes
I think it might be quite rejecting if you make a big deal of it?

"!

"It doesnt help in our house if i am away for the night i am 99% positive OH lets DSD sleep in our bed!! my space my pillow!! As if she is my friggin replacement while i`m not there...... I FIND THAT WRONG." Jesus wept, woman! She's 5 years old- listen to yourself!

I find your reaction somewhat ott Jodie! You really object to a 5 year old sleeping in your bed when you are not there?

My DD is 9y. If DH goes away for the night she will often snuggle in DH's place and sleep there for the night. It's a treat for her to be allowed. Most definitely nothing odd or not right!