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Original poster

DSD in our bed? AIBU to feel wierd about this?

229 replies

kaluki · 12/03/2012 12:06

DSD is 7, she is a very clingy and needy child and craves attention.
Before DP and I met she used to sleep in the same bed as him at his house as she didn't like sleeping in her room on her own and she used to have nightmares, she was only 5 when we met.
When she stays over at our house now she sleeps in her own bed in the room next door to us which she shares with DSS she but always comes in to us early in the morning and gets in bed with us. She won't lie on DP's side, she has to be in between us, in the middle. She just wants to be cuddled, but I feel so uncomfortable with it.

My own DSs have never co-slept with me since they were toddlers and got their 'grown up beds' and now they are older they wouldn't dream of getting in bed with us.
She came in at 7.00 on Sunday and I just had to get up to get away from her, I felt suffocated. I feel bad because she is just a child who wants a cuddle but it feels so alien to me, probably because my boys aren't really clingy at all (is it a boy thing maybe?). DP asked why I got up so early and I told him I wanted some space and he just made light of it.
Am I being a horrible stepmonster? Should I let her carry on doing this or say no from now on she has to stay in her bed? And if so - up to what age can she still do this.
Please don't flame me. I am trying so hard to make allowances for her but I really just want my bed to be my space. Its the only place I have left!

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Original poster
Kaluki · 13/03/2012 20:38

Essential- you are way off! I spend a LOT of time with her during the day when she is here. I make extra effort to arrange girls activities for her and I to do and her dad doesvthe same BUT there are 4 dc in the house at weekends and with the best will in the world we can't spend all our time with her, and she needs to understand this. Her tantrums are getting less since DP is being tougher with her but the demand for attention is increasing.
The other side of this is that her brother is so often sidelined because he is quieter and less in your face and that isn't fair on him either.
These weekends are also supposed to be for quality time with my kids which seems to fall by the wayside more and more these days.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kaluki · 13/03/2012 20:42

Bitofastate- I'm not saying your dd isn't normal. She is your dd and it's nice that you both enjoy it.
My dc have never done this so I'm uncomfortable with DSD doing it.

OP posts:
Mumof1plustwins · 13/03/2012 20:54

Have you thought of drawing up a rota for yourself? Try to break it down with time spent on each child, incorporate housework if there's not enough time and get them involved to help you? Cooking meals, tidy up, hanging the washing etc.
Agree she needs encouragement to be a little more independent but she should still get special dad/SM time too but so should all the kids. Just try to even it out

seeker · 13/03/2012 21:19

Or have you thought of just accepting that your step daughter is different from your sons, she is not the all the time and has to make sure that she gets as much of her dad as she possibly can while she's there? Just either put up with it- it won't go on forever- or move onto the sofa or into her bed and let her have the time with her dad. Presumably the other kids get him all the time?

Original poster
Kaluki · 13/03/2012 21:19

That's a good idea.
Im also thinking that DP and I need more time with our own dc as the three boys together tend to form a gang and leave DSd out. If she had more time just with her dad and her brother it might even the balance.
I do so much juggling I should be in the bloody circus!!! Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Kaluki · 13/03/2012 21:22

I'm not trying to stop her having cuddles with her dad seeker. I'm just wanting a little space first thing in the morning.
Is that so unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
Kaluki · 13/03/2012 21:28

She sees her dad the same amount of time as her brother and although my dc see DP every day It's not the same as they are older and are closer to their own dad. They see DP as mummy's boyfriend and although they get on well with him they aren't as close and don't expect or want him to be a father figure to them. He is more like their mate.

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 13/03/2012 21:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

megapixels · 13/03/2012 22:10

Three or four siblings is not a huge number though, it's hardly the Duggars, I don't understand the posts about the child being starved of attention. At each house she spends time at there are no more than four children. There were four of us and we were hardly neglected and clinging onto our parents for attention Hmm.

Coming into the parents' bed is more common than not OP, part of the package of having small children I suppose! With my children it got less and less frequent the older they got and DD1 never comes anymore. If you don't like it (and I don't blame you, the bigger they get the more you feel like kicking them out of bed!) the best suggestion is asking her to sleep on her dad's side I think.

brdgrl · 13/03/2012 23:43

kaluki, i think you've come up with a good compromise. good luck. don't feel guilty about it. :)

Jax2218 · 14/03/2012 20:55

My partners 10 year old son was coming into our bed around 2am. I always felt incredibly uncomfortable because first he was a boy, I was also breastfeeding!!!!! At first I kept my mouth shut as I didn't want to upset my OH, it was cringeworthy! I ended up just having to leave my bed and sleep on the sofa in the babies room, which ended up in a hushed argument between OH and I. I told him to take him back to his bed and give him cuddles there. Shudders thinking about it.

I'm not sure I would feel so awkward with a girl coming in the morning though, but everyone likes peace and quiet

ArcticRain · 14/03/2012 21:21

If you are not comfortable with it , then put a stop to it and suggest an alternative. You have a right to feel at ease in your own bed . Can your DH go into her bed ? Can they have daddy and daughter time before bed ? Can they move to the sofa with her duvet ?

This situation actually ended in me and DH splitting up when we first met . His 10 and 12 year old boys use to come into our bed when they got upset at night . He would not decamp to their rooms . I lost my temper with him one night when I woke up , naked , with him next to me and his 12 year old next to him. Apparently he didn't want to annoy me by waking me !

I would never expect someone else to feel comfortable with my DD climbing into bed with them .

seeker · 14/03/2012 22:32

Bloody hell, no wonder step mothers sometimes get a bad press!

brdgrl · 14/03/2012 22:42

yes, if this is all it takes, it is no wonder at all. More's the pity.

seeker · 14/03/2012 22:50

There's one person saying that she thinks her dp's 5 year old is replacing her when she gets into bed with her dad.

And others saying that thir need to have their own way over rides their step children's needs to feel safe and secure with thir fathers.

"If you are not comfortable with it , then put a stop to it" Such a sad and self cents attitude. Why not "if you're not comfortable with it, move onto the sofa one early morning a week."

brdgrl · 14/03/2012 23:09

Seeker, it may interest you to know advice given to stepparents in books or in counselling is inconsistent with your view. Stepparents are often actually instructed not to bed-share with stepchildren, and to scrupulously avoid occasions of undress/partial dress/displays of intimacy. This may seem puritanical or cold to some people. And obviously every family has a different threshold of comfort in these things. But at the very least, there is a significant body of work, produced by those who work with children in stepfamilies, which would be entirely sympathetic to the views expressed above, and even say that it is healthier for the child. Others would argue, as well that it is healthier to the couple relationship, and in turn and for that reason, much healthier for the child. If you are very interested in the realities of stepparenting, I can recommend a few of these books to you.

There's one person saying that she thinks her dp's 5 year old is replacing her when she gets into bed with her dad.
One poster has expressed that view. One.

And others saying that thir need to have their own way over rides their step children's needs to feel safe and secure with thir fathers.
Actually, no one has said this. No one. You are lying mischaracterising what they have said. Absolutely no one has taken a pout about wanting to get "their own way". In fact, several posters have talked about perfectly logical and appropriate solutions (DP going to sleep in the kid's bed; proposing the child stay on one side of the bed) that respect both the child's desires and needs, and the equally valid desires and needs of the adult women. Others have made the point that this is an issue all parents can struggle with, not only stepparents. (Yep! Another thread that would go down quite differently if I posted the same question about my DD, on another board, instead of kaluki posting about a DSD on this board!)

voddiekeepsmesane · 14/03/2012 23:11

Thanks brdgrl you have put into words all that I was just thinking.

brdgrl · 14/03/2012 23:11

and as for telling a breastfeeding mum that she should move onto the couch, rather than ask her DH to move with his ten year old son...

mind boggles.

seeker · 14/03/2012 23:21

"Actually, no one has said this. No one. You are lying mischaracterising what they have said."

Not "lying". But the fact that you used the word means that no sensible discussion is possible. As a parting comment I refer you to "if you are not comfortable with it, then put a stop to it" Whose needs are coming first here?

brdgrl · 14/03/2012 23:31

The fact that you are intent on lying mischaracterising what anyone says - that makes sensible discussion impossible. My post contained a number of salient points, put more respectfully than your own.

And yet your only response is to yet again present incorrectly, incompletely, and in an inaccurate and misleading manner, a quotation. Why are you incapable of acknowledging the rest of arcticrain's sentence? In full, the line you are quoting reads
"If you are not comfortable with it , then put a stop to it and suggest an alternative.

She then goes on to propose kind and reasonable solutions:
"You have a right to feel at ease in your own bed . Can your DH go into her bed ? Can they have daddy and daughter time before bed ? Can they move to the sofa with her duvet ?"
THAT is the truth. Very different from what you are willing to engage with.

seeker · 14/03/2012 23:38

I just think that adult's needs don't necessarily take precedence over children's. And a child that only sees its non resident parent at weekends or even less often takes priority. The adult- in this case, the step mother - needs to realise that, and, without, obviously making herself a doormat, needs to facilitate the relationship between her partner and his children. And if that means getting up early and going to have a bath, or to cuddle down on the sofa and watch mindless telly, then so be it.

The beast feeding woman obviously needs to handle it differently. But she was bonkers to be sleeping naked when her step sons were in the house. Honestly.

seeker · 14/03/2012 23:40

And all the people on this thread seem to assume that the step mother gets what she wants and the others fit round her. Why should the father and child be the one to move out of the bed? Why do they come second?

brdgrl · 14/03/2012 23:42

I sleep naked or at least topless much of the time. (TMI, I know.)
I also have sex with my husband.....wait for it...
while my stepchildren are in the house.

am i a madwoman? is this another bit of proof that i am a terrible stepmum?
Honestly.

seeker · 14/03/2012 23:53

I sleep naked quite often too,but not if I have a child who isn't one of mine staying. I would rather be able to sit up in bed to talk to q child who has had a bad dream without wondering if I was scarring them for life with a faceful of my bosom. Your point?

brdgrl · 14/03/2012 23:59

I really do want to know - am I allowed to have sex with my husband? Or do we need to wait until the kids are at school? Or perhaps until they go to university?

I suppose my point is that calling another woman bonkers for sleeping naked in her own bed is a bit off. This is a ridiculous double standard, and takes no account of reality.

A breastfeeding woman, in particular, is going to sometimes be topless in bed. Perhaps she should have chosen not to breastfeed. Or perhaps it was selfish for her to choose to reproduce at all? (no, no, brdgl, don't go there...there actually are people who think this way, you know!)