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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

DSD in our bed? AIBU to feel wierd about this?

229 replies

kaluki · 12/03/2012 12:06

DSD is 7, she is a very clingy and needy child and craves attention.
Before DP and I met she used to sleep in the same bed as him at his house as she didn't like sleeping in her room on her own and she used to have nightmares, she was only 5 when we met.
When she stays over at our house now she sleeps in her own bed in the room next door to us which she shares with DSS she but always comes in to us early in the morning and gets in bed with us. She won't lie on DP's side, she has to be in between us, in the middle. She just wants to be cuddled, but I feel so uncomfortable with it.

My own DSs have never co-slept with me since they were toddlers and got their 'grown up beds' and now they are older they wouldn't dream of getting in bed with us.
She came in at 7.00 on Sunday and I just had to get up to get away from her, I felt suffocated. I feel bad because she is just a child who wants a cuddle but it feels so alien to me, probably because my boys aren't really clingy at all (is it a boy thing maybe?). DP asked why I got up so early and I told him I wanted some space and he just made light of it.
Am I being a horrible stepmonster? Should I let her carry on doing this or say no from now on she has to stay in her bed? And if so - up to what age can she still do this.
Please don't flame me. I am trying so hard to make allowances for her but I really just want my bed to be my space. Its the only place I have left!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

seeker · 15/03/2012 10:44

"You are stereotyping in a huge way about step children, which I actually think does them a dis-service. You are assuming all step children are sad, unhappy, and confused. Yes, they may be sad, confused, unhappy at times - like all children - and it is all too easy to "blame" that on the fact that they live in a step family."

No, I'm not. You are reading what you think I'm saying. I said the chances are that step children are likely, as all children are, to be sad and confused at times. And there is a possibility that these times might be a bit more frequent in step children than in not step children. Are you saying this isn't true?

allnewtaketwo · 15/03/2012 10:48

So because a stepchild "might possibly" be sad or confused, and it is a possibility that this might relate to being a step child as opposed to just being a child, then a step-mother should make sure she always sleeps clothed when said child is in house?

seeker · 15/03/2012 11:06

Well, if the is any chance that the step child is going to come into the bedroom for whatever reason , then yes, she should put a nightie on! Isn't that just common sense? Why on earth is is such a hardship not to sleep naked occasionally?

allnewtaketwo · 15/03/2012 11:10

Well tbh I'd be pretty shocked and p*ed off if my teenage DSSs came into my bedroom when I'm in bed. But moreover I'm confused - they would only see I was naked if they lifted the duvet. Why on earth would they do that?

But as for your question about why a bf woman would be naked? FGS

Personally I would not want to share a bed with my step-children. I would not find it appropriate. Thankfully DH and I discussed this like adults a long time ago and came to a mutual decision.

GnocchiGnocchiWhosThere · 15/03/2012 11:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

seeker · 15/03/2012 11:14

I think this thread is about little children, isn't it?

But do teenagers never have bad dreams? Or are they expected to deal with that by themselves? Presumably you would wake your partner if you had a nightmare.

seeker · 15/03/2012 11:15

And you may have missed me saying that obviously breast feeding would be a special case.

Petal02 · 15/03/2012 11:15

Maybe I should wear a bikini in the shower just in case DSS wanders into the bathroom ?????

seeker · 15/03/2012 11:16

God, people are defensive!

purpleroses · 15/03/2012 11:17

Why on earth is is such a hardship not to sleep naked occasionally?

Because it's not ocassionally - as UC said earlier, a step child is not a child on a sleepover visiting their absent parent. They are part of the household and should (and usually do) feel at home in both their households - they have chores to do, house rules to follow, and a sense of being at home. This is obviously illustrated by the fact that the DSC is climbing in the bed in the first place - I've never had any of my DC's friends do that on a sleepover!

Most of the people on this forum have their DSC at least a night or two a week, and sometimes 50% or more. The household needs to find ways of doing things that work for everyone. My parents are still married and I remember squeezing into my parents bed as a small child, but was booted out by the age of 5 or 6 and told I was too old for it - it wasn't a traumatic rejection, just part of growing up. And the age you choose to start weaning a child off it is a decision for the couple of the household to make together, to apply to all the children who are full or part time residents in their household.

allnewtaketwo · 15/03/2012 11:18

seeker so just in case one of my pubescent teenage sons has a nightmare - one of a nature which requires them to wake DH - I should not sleep naked just in case they come into our bedroom - and in the additional case that if they come into the bedroom they might want to lift the duvet and get into bed with me/DH?

seeker · 15/03/2012 11:22

As I said- defensive, much?

allnewtaketwo · 15/03/2012 11:26

seeker I think you've lost the plot of your own argument

Petal02 · 15/03/2012 11:28

Allnew - I think you should sleep fully dressed, just in case one of your step sons becomes ill in the night and needs to be taken to hospital. You should also keep the car keys by your bed. Remember - step children require special measures that don't apply to bio children!

LucyManga · 15/03/2012 11:30

I think it says something great about you, OP, that your DSD feels so comfortable with you and welcomed by you that se will climb intbed wiht you for a cuddle. So sweet .

However, if it makes you feel suffocated or that your privacy is being invaded, you should have a gentle word with your DH and set some ground rules. Our children aren't allowed in our room before 7am unless it is an emergency.

The naked debate is ridiculous. I always sleep naked!

allnewtaketwo · 15/03/2012 11:30

does that mean I have the give the vino a miss as well

seeker · 15/03/2012 11:31

No I haven't. I'v just realised that step mothers are one of those mumsnet groups who can do no wrong. It's a tough role, I understand that, so good you've got each other's backs.

voddiekeepsmesane · 15/03/2012 11:33

Quite the contrary seeker. I find on MN that yes step parents have each others backs. But there is always people ready to say we do it all wrong all of the time too.

voddiekeepsmesane · 15/03/2012 11:34

oh no pedants beware ....there are not is :)

allnewtaketwo · 15/03/2012 11:36

"got each other's backs" - what does that actually even mean?

seeker · 15/03/2012 11:40

Perfectly normal expression. Means supporting each other.

voddiekeepsmesane · 15/03/2012 11:40

That we know the difficuties that are involved in being a step parent. The emotional, pratical, brilliant highs, devastating lows etc etc. IMO only. Jees don't jump down my throat for just one line :)

UC · 15/03/2012 11:41

sigh....

Yes, it is good there are a few of us on here, who understand what it's like juggling the different needs of your own children, your partner's children, yourself and your partner - and trying to meet them all. Like I said before, it just adds another layer of complexity to the situation.

Sometimes as a step mother on here, it feels that we can do no right - it is all too easy to accuse a step mother of unkindness if we don't put the needs of the step child at the fore all of the time, and on the other hand, if we love too much, we are sometimes accused of trying to usurp the role of the DSC's real mother. Walk a mile in my shoes one day....

NotaDisneyMum · 15/03/2012 11:42

seeker are you not a Stepmum then? I assumed you were speaking from your own experience, sorry

seeker · 15/03/2012 11:43

Haven't said I'm not.

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