DSD in our bed? AIBU to feel wierd about this?

[kaluki]

DSD is 7, she is a very clingy and needy child and craves attention.
Before DP and I met she used to sleep in the same bed as him at his house as she didn't like sleeping in her room on her own and she used to have nightmares, she was only 5 when we met.
When she stays over at our house now she sleeps in her own bed in the room next door to us which she shares with DSS she but always comes in to us early in the morning and gets in bed with us. She won't lie on DP's side, she has to be in between us, in the middle. She just wants to be cuddled, but I feel so uncomfortable with it.

My own DSs have never co-slept with me since they were toddlers and got their 'grown up beds' and now they are older they wouldn't dream of getting in bed with us.
She came in at 7.00 on Sunday and I just had to get up to get away from her, I felt suffocated. I feel bad because she is just a child who wants a cuddle but it feels so alien to me, probably because my boys aren't really clingy at all (is it a boy thing maybe?). DP asked why I got up so early and I told him I wanted some space and he just made light of it.
Am I being a horrible stepmonster? Should I let her carry on doing this or say no from now on she has to stay in her bed? And if so - up to what age can she still do this.
Please don't flame me. I am trying so hard to make allowances for her but I really just want my bed to be my space. Its the only place I have left!

Hi Kaluki, You have probably left the thread but here's my experience for what its worth.
DSD is now 9. Our DD is 4 and DSD and DD are very close half sisters.
Every morning that DSD is with us the girls come in bed with us. DD comes in bed with us every morning. DSD gets in on DP's side and has a long snuggle while DD prefers to snuggle me. When the snuggles are over the girls pound the hell out of bounce DP to try to wake him up. We love it!

One thing I would object to in your case would be your DSD insisting on coming between you, that gives her too much control imo. Leave her to cuddle her dad on his side of the bed. That would really bug me as it looks like she's trying to possess her dad which should be gently discouraged I think. Hope that helps.

seeker , not sure if the naked comment is aimed at my first post , but we have the kids more than their mother . Should I have still moved to the sofa everytime the kids wanted to jump in with us , or not sleep naked , even though their dad does ?

I often feel people expect step parents to sacrifice far more than a parent would . Not all parents would have a child come into their bed . When I was younger it was the fashion then for the adult room to off limits .

arctic I am worried about the same thing have I damaged my DD by not comforting her by allowing her in my bed - does this apply to RP too?

Lost my last bit. I believe its a parenting preference , let them into the bed, or don't. I don't think it really matters in the grand scheme of a child's life.

Articrain- did you miss my continuous use of words like sometimes, occasionally, a couple of night...?

Notadisneymum- where on earth did rhe damage come from? Why are you implying that I have said things I haven't?

Doesn't failing to meet a DCs needs lead to damage?

Yes , but needs can be met in many different ways and with many different actions . We don't all have to be brought up in the same way by the same set of rules . People and families are different . As long as basic needs are met and the child is surrounded by love , does it matter if they shared a bed or not . Not all families share beds . Are all those children damaged ? I don't think so .

Now I'm really baffled....

arctic before I read seekers comments on this thread, I would have agreed with you, but now I'm wondering if DCs do need to share a bed with their parents at least occasionally in order to feel secure and loved.

It would help me greatly if seeker was prepared to explain why s/he feels that this is so important; whether s/he has personal or professional experience - in the absence of that, I'm left rather at sea - not an unusual feeling as a stepmum!

The sarcasm is so heavy that I can barely breathe.But can I respectfully suggest that this thread started about a child who on the couple of nights a fortnight she spends with with her non resident parent, did feel the need to get into bed with that parent at 7.00 in the morning. And the non resident parent concerned was happy with it. And I pointed out that it would not be a massive hardship for her on this one or two mornings a fortnight to move out of the bed into another bed, the sofa or the bath at 7.00. Sometimes ( please note the word) the child's needs must come first. And a small child who only spends a couple of nights a fortnight with the NRP seems to me to be a child who might need extra reassurance.

I also said that if I have a visiting child- that is not a child that I gave birth to- staying in my house, I don't sleep naked, and it seems to me to be sensible not to. Even if only because if you forget it might lead to an embarrassing encounter outside the loo. How this went to me having impossiblly high standards for step mothers, or insisting that step mothers wear bikinis in the shower or not have sex til the children leave hom completely escapes me.

seeker if you look back at your posts you did say that you would not sleep naked with a potentially restless child in the house be that your own or someone elses
It is, I think, understandable why I feel judged

Well, when my dd was having night terrors, for example, I didn't sleep naked so that I could get to her quickly. That's not odd, is it?

Why on earth would you feel judged?

The picture you are painting of your own life is very different to the one you presented as the expectation in NRP households.
You say you went to your DD when she needed comforting; did she not need to co-sleep in that situation?

seeker you used judgemental language - expressed incredulity at the attitude of the stepmums (who you referred to collectively) and reiterated a child needing something that their SM felt uncomfortable with.

I lack confidence as a stepmum - I am open to daily scrutiny and regular criticism and occasional abuse.
If you do have step parenting experience then I would certainly benefit from knowing how you developed the confidence that you're way is not going to cause conflict and anxiety for your DSC, as I'm never sure

When she had night terrors she was rooted to her bed, so I had to go and get her. Bad example- but it was the one that sprung to mind.

But the same applied when they were both likely to pile into bed with us at other times.

You did notice that the op was talking about her step daughter coming in at in
the morning, didn't you?

These kids are exactly that- kids. I think indulging them a little is probably the best way to go.
Heck I'm thirty one and when I'm visiting my parents i have been known to crawl in on the bed before they go to sleep and have a family huddle before I go to my room. And I am the very opposite of needy.
It's normal and natural.
{steps back for inevitable flaming}
And a five year old sleeping in the bed with her parent is not an example of spousal replacement or whatever it was called. It's a child wanting to kip on the same bed as their parent.
Given these are children who already share their parent with someone who isn't their mother, I think they should be cut some slack.
I'm not trying to flame you at all OP so I hope the tone of my post doesn't come across in that way.

elenor rigby your advice seems spot on! Love the picture you painted of your own situation.

Seeker why do you need to put on clothes before comforting your dd in the night?

PineCones the OP is not objecting to the DC needing a cuddle, it is the DCs insistence that she must be between the OP and her DP that is the issue - cuddles with dad on dads side of the bed are not acceptable.

There is a lot of research, summarised in Wednesday Martins excellent book, to evidence that the most likely motivation of the DC is to create a barrier between her parent and step parent - totally subconscious on the DCs part, but none the less, reinforced if the step parent is displaced to another bed or sofa.

It still all comes down to differentiating between wants and needs.

The OP is fine with the child coming in to her DP's side of the bed but the child wants to be in the middle.

The child can have what she needs - a cuddle with her dad.

She can't have what she wants - to get inbetween her dad and the OP.

I think that's fair enough tbh.

Fair enough. I see what you mean.
Could it be though that she wants cuddles from OP too? ( or am I in la la land?)

Well I never expected this thread to cause such a bunfight!
Thanks for all the replies, I've decided that from now on I will insist that she cuddles DP on his side and let's me sleep a bit longer.
I honestly don't think it's about cuddling me but it is to create a barrier between us which is not on.
She does it a lot and I accept it most of the time but I draw the line at her doing it in the bed.

Holy shit, seeker, I dont think I've ever seen someone's words or intentions twisted so much as yours have been. Fair play to you for remaining so calm in the face of such ridiculous, hysterical, defensive and sneering lunacy.

I'm shocked that this thread has become so heated!

I posted the link because I thought the writer of the article made very valid points about why children need to be encouraged to sleep in their own bed.

Of course it is perfectly natural to comfort an ill or distressed child and it's lovely when small children join you in the morning for a cuddle.

The op said that her DSD was visiting the bed every night - that isn't normal and it's a habit that needs to be broken as everyone needs a proper night's sleep (including the child).