DSD in our bed? AIBU to feel wierd about this?

[kaluki]

DSD is 7, she is a very clingy and needy child and craves attention.
Before DP and I met she used to sleep in the same bed as him at his house as she didn't like sleeping in her room on her own and she used to have nightmares, she was only 5 when we met.
When she stays over at our house now she sleeps in her own bed in the room next door to us which she shares with DSS she but always comes in to us early in the morning and gets in bed with us. She won't lie on DP's side, she has to be in between us, in the middle. She just wants to be cuddled, but I feel so uncomfortable with it.

My own DSs have never co-slept with me since they were toddlers and got their 'grown up beds' and now they are older they wouldn't dream of getting in bed with us.
She came in at 7.00 on Sunday and I just had to get up to get away from her, I felt suffocated. I feel bad because she is just a child who wants a cuddle but it feels so alien to me, probably because my boys aren't really clingy at all (is it a boy thing maybe?). DP asked why I got up so early and I told him I wanted some space and he just made light of it.
Am I being a horrible stepmonster? Should I let her carry on doing this or say no from now on she has to stay in her bed? And if so - up to what age can she still do this.
Please don't flame me. I am trying so hard to make allowances for her but I really just want my bed to be my space. Its the only place I have left!

I feel a bit bad for your DSD, with all those siblings she must be constantly fighting for attention. I think she needs to be encouraged to 'be a big girl' re the being carried round etc, but the morning snuggles... I think it's lovely she thinks enough of you to not be uncomfortable really. Give the kid a break she's only little. Soon enough she'll be out all day and night and your DP will miss his morning cuddles!

The big question is - is she jumping between you two because she quite likes you and trusts you and wants to be close to you or is she doing it because she knows that's the best way to get Daddy to herself?

I do cuddle her. All the time. I like that she is affectionate but I am just not comfortable having her wrapped round me in bed. It is suffocating.

I do put up with it and would never reject her but I can't help feeling like this can I?

Jifnotcif - a bit of both I think.
I think she is deep down a little bit jealous that I am the other girl in her dads life and I have to keep my distance from DP when she is with us. DP spends time on his own with her and I do girly things with her too but he has his ds and I have my sons so it can't be 100% about her, which is what she seems to want/need. And I'd she doesn't get undivided attention she starts acting up.
Its so hard isn't it to strike the right balance. I want to make allowances for her but can't give her all my attention all the time.

God I feel so sorry for the little girl who has to deal with jodie.

Clinginess is fine if she actually needs the attention but this sounds like acting up.

I think for her own sake you need to make her independence a more attractive option to her than her clinging. Not sure how you do this, you should work that out between you but as long as it's about positive reward for doing things alone rather than punishment for clinging, it should work.

I'm not the best person to talk about attention-seeking because I have very low tolerance of it. I see it so often in other children and wonder how on earth they got like that. Mine are only like that if there's an issue or a genuine need, but there's none of that mememe! stuff.

Would dp agree to a strategy with you? If there are other children in the house you may have to rope them in as well - you never know they might enjoy it!

That's really not helpful Cagney.

I agree,Cagney!

Op, do you have a spare room? If so, make it up beautifully, then, when your dsd gets into the big bed, give her a quick hug, then slope off to your peaceful sanctuary and leave your dp and his daughter to cuddle to their heart's content. Win/win

I don't think this is a question of someone being right and the other being wrong, just different boundaries, sleeping styles, and personal space. There is nothing wrong with you not liking it! I think chelen and bonsoir are right - you can come to a workable compromise on this. That doesn't mean DSD is a pampered princess getting her way, and it doesn't mean you are an evil stepmother kicking her to the kerb!

There is not anything weird or creepy or wrong about it - but that doesn't matter. You are not comfortable with it, and that counts for something.

My own DD (only 21 months) is impossible to sleep with in the mornings. SHe sleeps in her own bed, but comes into ours in the morning; I nurse her a bit and then I would love it if she would snooze quietly next to me for a bit. But she flails around, kicks me in the face, kicks DH in the nuts...she will doze for a minute and then sit bolt upright and yell BOOK at the top of her lungs. I'll be honest - there are mornings when I just want DH to wake up and take her away and giver her breakfast or something...anything, so I can have another twenty minutes of sleep please.

My DSS regularly crawled into bed with me to watch telly or just talk, until he was about 13. I miss it, a lot. But I wouldn't want him there at 7 AM, either.

I actually like it when DSS comes in for a cuddle! But that's probably because it doesn't wake me up - I'm the early riser and it's usually DP who is moaning about 'his space' and 'his sleep' while DSS and I cuddle, chat and giggle. I'm savouring it because he's growing up fast...the early morning xBox is already slowly usurping me.

Seeker that would be the perfect solution but sadly no spare room.
I shouldn't have said wierd in the title, I guess I just find it strange to me because my own dc aren't interested in getting in bed with me. They'd rather be downstairs watching tv or playing.
DP treats her with kid gloves because he is scared of her tantrums and doesnt want to upset her but that's a whole other story!!! I go from feeling desperately sorry for her at times to absolute frustration!

One thing I've done with my DD is to encourage her to listen to her ipod - stories or music - in the morning. She also knows she is allowed to get herself breakfast if she's awake before me. If she does it when DP is with me I don't push her out but do make her go my side. Just gently trying to get her to feel she doen't need it. I don't think you should feel bad about not wanting her there. I find DP's youngest lovable and cuddleable - he enjoys resting his feet on my lap for a massage :-) but my bed is a private space. I really wouldn't want him in it.

I can understand this childs need for attention but she can't be allowed to control the situation.

You say she refuses to sleep on your DP's side of the bed and that is where the problem is. She is a child and you make the rules - you need to talk to your DP about this and agree a firm policy of saying that she can come in but only into daddy's side of the bed. She may weep and wail and throw a strop but if you stick to your guns she will get over it.

That way she still gets a cuddle but she's not pushing you out, making you feel uncomfortable or disturbing your sleep - none of which she really needs to be doing!

DSS (6) goes through phases of doing this, usually when he's unhappy with something at home (not getting enough 1:1 time with mum). He'll have "nightmares" every night and need to climb into DH's side of the bed in the early hours of the morning. He's growing out of it now though.

It's difficult because on the one hand it's flattering that they are clearly comfortable enough to get into the bed with you there, but it can feel strange as you're not the bio parent as it were. I didn't say anything about it because I knew it was a phase (even though I was grumpy as I was struggling terribly with morning sickness and had to get up early for work), however his mum was furiously jealous and angry when she found it (even though we've never encouraged it).

Hopefully she'll grow out of it soon, if not try to set up some of her fav toys / DVDs / etc for her to play with in the living room first thing or similar? Best of luck

Thanks for all the replies.

I will insist that she stays on her Dads side from now on. I have let it go on for too long really. I don't want her to feel rejected but I can't keep getting up at stupid o'clock at weekends!
DP and I were chatting last night about her and I said to him that we are going to have to stop pandering to her so much too. It is hard for her but she needs to learn that there are 3 other dc in the house and she can't have undivided attention all the time. We make time for her and make allowances for her but really thats just one of life's lessons isn't it.

7 o clock is surely not stupid o'clock? I would say any time after 6.30am is fine if you have kids tbh! I think this will feel rejecting for your dsd and she certainly doesn't currently have "undivided attention all the time" - about a million miles from this from your previous posts. I think you are being harsh on this little girl - sounds like maybe you aren't really very close and don't want to be?

Some kids can have attention all day long and it's still not enough. Sometimes it's just their personality. As adults sometimes we have to teach them that no one gets attention all day long and that it's healthy to be able to function without constant approval. it's about teaching positivity and not encouraging neediness.

eRR this kid is one of 8 - she's not getting much attention anyway you look at it!!!

So why should the child who demands attention all day receive it but the others should not?

Coming from a family of 8 children, 3 by my mother and father (of which I am the youngest) and 5 more in my fathers second marriage life in a large household means that individual attention is at a premium. Thats life, as long as each child gets some one to one then all is good.

BTW in our household 7am is stupid o'clock on weekends once the yougest past the age of remote control usage :)

*youngest

Am a bit freaked out by this thread, thought it was perfectly normal My dd (7) does this every morning and most nights before she goes to her bed we go up and lie on my bed and watch tv for half an hour and have a cuddle.

She's not clingy, she's just normal, all her friends do the same

Would you be happy with her coming into your bed if it was later - so you're ready to sit up, read, chat etc? Could you tell her she can come in after, say 7:30am or 8am?

Whatever you decide, it needs to be agreed with DP first, so that you are both in agreement on how it will be from now on.

(I don't like any of my DC in my bed. I love cuddles, 1-1 time, stories etc, but not in my space / when I'm trying to sleep. If they're ill, I'll sleep on the floor in their room.)

Bitofastate- my 11 year old still comes in with me/us sometimes. Perfectly normal!