DSD in our bed? AIBU to feel wierd about this?

[kaluki]

DSD is 7, she is a very clingy and needy child and craves attention.
Before DP and I met she used to sleep in the same bed as him at his house as she didn't like sleeping in her room on her own and she used to have nightmares, she was only 5 when we met.
When she stays over at our house now she sleeps in her own bed in the room next door to us which she shares with DSS she but always comes in to us early in the morning and gets in bed with us. She won't lie on DP's side, she has to be in between us, in the middle. She just wants to be cuddled, but I feel so uncomfortable with it.

My own DSs have never co-slept with me since they were toddlers and got their 'grown up beds' and now they are older they wouldn't dream of getting in bed with us.
She came in at 7.00 on Sunday and I just had to get up to get away from her, I felt suffocated. I feel bad because she is just a child who wants a cuddle but it feels so alien to me, probably because my boys aren't really clingy at all (is it a boy thing maybe?). DP asked why I got up so early and I told him I wanted some space and he just made light of it.
Am I being a horrible stepmonster? Should I let her carry on doing this or say no from now on she has to stay in her bed? And if so - up to what age can she still do this.
Please don't flame me. I am trying so hard to make allowances for her but I really just want my bed to be my space. Its the only place I have left!

Well, I personally wouldn't choose to have sex when there was a potentially restless child in the house - my child or anyone else's. And I wouldn't choose to sleep naked then either. Your point?

My point is that you are holding stepmothers to an impossible and unrealistic standard. Is that clear enough?

If you personally choose to make your bedroom a semi-public space within your home, in which you are not free to dress as you please or to be intimate with your partner, rather than create an expectation of privacy, then that is of course your prerogative. But other women are hardly "bonkers" for not making such a decision.

I am presuming you don't have children?

Seeker I presume you don't have stepchildren?

Well, I personally wouldn't choose to have sex when there was a potentially restless child in the house - my child or anyone else's. And I wouldn't choose to sleep naked then either. Your point?

My point is that if this was the majority view, there would be a very tiny proportion of DC's with siblings

seeker, do you really think that all second and subsequent children are conceived on dirty weekends, or when the first child is staying at grandmas? Or do you advocate doping medicating DC's in order to ensure that they are not potentially restless while their parents do the deed ?

OP - I think many of us WSM have been where you are, and have dealt with it in different ways.
Myself, the very first time DSS (who is a regular co-sleeper with his mum) tried to climb into bed with DP and myself, I was up and out the other side of the bed like a whippet! I have never co-slept with DD and wasn't about to start with a child whose mum had openly maligned and abused me - can you imagine the fallout! Fortunately, DP preferred the idea of sharing his bed with me than his DS, and sought advice on the best way to break DSS of the habit. It took a lot of disturbed nights sleep, with DP guiding DSS back to bed and settling him - but eventually, DSS learnt to settle happily in his own bed here with us

As for those who think that DC's will grow out of the habit - DSD still regularly co-sleeps with DSS and their mum and/or grandma at age 14

seeker - I howled with laughter at the ridiculous standards you think that SMs should impose upon themselves. Where do you get your ideas from?

seeker so if one lives on a permanent basis with step-children, should one never have sex . How odd a suggestion.

And as for adults not being "allowed" to sleep naked in their own bed when children are in the house . Must get the thermals out for next time DSS (16) is around in case he wants to hop into bed with me

I think seeker gets all her ideas about how stepfamilies "should" function from Victorian novels

asfarasIknow - it's not reserved for DSC, though - even the presence of her own children are an inhibiting factor in seekers life.....

Seeker, I too think you are being very unrealistic here. I don't think you are a stepmother. I have 2 DSSs, and would feel very uncomfortable with them getting into bed with me and DP. I also have 2 DSs, and I know DP feels uncomfortable if they try to get into bed with us. We have all 4 children 50% of the time. Do you really expect that DP and I should never have sex in our own bedroom when the children are here, just in case one of them should wake up? Do you expect us to wait until all the children are at their other parent's house before we share any intimacy? Is it wrong to sleep naked in my own bed, just in case someone has a nightmare?

Unlike my own children, I also don't undress, dress, go to the toilet or share a bath with my DSSs, although I do all of those things sometimes with my own DSs. Is that also unfair?

I think there is a huge difference between having someone else's child over for a sleepover, and having step children who regularly/permanently sleep in your house. If I had a child over for a sleep over, I would expect that they might have a disturbed night's sleep/wake up very early/mess about - in which case, I'd have my pjs on, and DP and I would probably take the night off (!!). However, our house is our childrens' (all 4 of them) HOME, it is not somewhere they feel nervous or unwelcome. Remember it is also my home, and DP's home.

However, there are boundaries, and sometimes those boundaries are different when you have children and step children in the mix. The children's rights are not paramount - we are constantly juggling to try and make sure that EVERYONE's needs are met - those of the adults concerned, and those of the children. If DP and I always put the children first, in every decision we made, and so did their mum, and my exH, as you seem to want to suggest, then we'd be bringing up 4 very selfish children, who always expected their wishes and desires to take precedence over everyone else's. In a nuclear family (for want of a better expression), the children's needs are not always put above those of the adults concerned. In a step family there is an extra layer of complexity to that, and that's what I think you haven't understood.

I may be wrong- but it does strike me that there might just be one or two points on the scale between making your bedroom a semi public space and not having sex until the children leave home, and putting your needs before those of a possibly sad, possibly confused, child t during the hours of darkness when it is away from its main home, and trying to make sure that it is as important to the non resident parent as it is to the parent it lives with.

If a DSC is sad and confused in their home then the sleeping arrangements are a fairly minor consideration

Are your DSC sad and confused, seeker?

during the hours of darkness when it is away from its main home, and trying to make sure that it is as important to the non resident parent as it is to the parent it lives with

Yes of course, the child is nowhere near as important in the home they share with the NRP, what other inaccuricies do you want to offer seeker?

seeker - children with separated or divorced parents mostly don't have a "main home (and, by inference, a "secondary home"). They have two* homes (as do many children with two married biological parents). The intimacy shared between stepparents and their stepchildren is very great, albeit not quite as great as the intimacy shared between biological parents and their children. You cannot possibly compare a child on a sleepover with a stepchild, and the sorts of behaviour that it is appropriate or not appropriate to adopt around them.

I say this as a stepmother who frequently hosts sleepovers, both for the DSSs and for DD!

All children are sad and confused sometimes. And when they feel like that they want their parent. The chances are that a child who lives in two homes is going to be sad and confused a little more often than one that doesn't. And a child that doesn't wake in the night at all at its main home is more likely to wake up when at the home it spends less time at. And in most cases there is one home they spend less time at. Before the 50/50ers jump down my throat.

"during the hours of darkness when it is away from its main home, and trying to make sure that it is as important to the non resident parent as it is to the parent it lives with

Yes of course, the child is nowhere near as important in the home they share with the NRP, what other inaccuricies do you want to offer seeker?"

Read what I said. Of course the child is equally important to both parents. But children need to reassure themselves and confirm that that is true.

I am aware that "main" home is not a good word. But most children do spend more time with one partner than another. No value judgement was implied.

"The chances are that a child who lives in two homes is going to be sad and confused a little more often than one that doesn't. And a child that doesn't wake in the night at all at its main home is more likely to wake up when at the home it spends less time at."

No, seeker, those are just your lower middle-class suburban prejudices coming to the fore.

Eh?

"seeker - I howled with laughter at the ridiculous standards you think that SMs should impose upon themselves. Where do you get your ideas from?"

By the way, wham on earth did you mean by this?

Seeker, you haven't got the point at all. The children don't have a "main home" and a "secondary home". They have two homes. My DSSs call both our house and their mum's house "home". My DSs spend more time here, but still call their Dad's house home. Because it is their home.

The chances are that a child who lives in two homes is going to be sad and confused a little more often than one that doesn't - Not always. You have jumped to huge conclusions here about step families. Huge. Many children grow up in this situation from a very young age - my youngest DS doesn't remember anything other than living 60/40 between my house and his dad's house. He is not confused, or unhappy - and please don't tell me I wouldn't be aware if he was. My eldest asks questions about it, because he remembers when his dad lived with us. I answer his questions, we talk about it, and he too is not confused. He is also not unhappy, just curious. My DSSs are not confused either. They have lived with two homes for much longer than they ever lived with only one.

You are stereotyping in a huge way about step children, which I actually think does them a dis-service. You are assuming all step children are sad, unhappy, and confused. Yes, they may be sad, confused, unhappy at times - like all children - and it is all too easy to "blame" that on the fact that they live in a step family.

seeker - I am sure that in time, your own DSC will begin to feel as comfortable and happy in your home as they do with their RP, I know how heartbreaking it is when DSC don't settle.
Do you mind me asking; have they been sharing your life for long? While there is inevitably a transition period, if DCs are still sad and confused after a few months, then counselling can help a great deal.

I hope things improve soon and you can begin to enjoy your family life together

All children are undoubtedly sad and confused at times, but that has nothing to do with the question at hand.

My DP & I have just put in place the rule that our DS is no longer allowed in our bed in the night, after 2+ years co-sleeping and then 6 months in his own bed but him pinging back to us. One of us goes to him instead. This is because it was starting to piss us off and this way one of us gets some kip.

Why should it be any different with my DSS? If he needs me or his Dad (he lives here btw so this is home), he can have someone, but as the adults in the home we are allowed to set rules about whether the kids get in our bed.

All houses have different rules. You can't judge a step family by whether a kid is or isn't allowed in the big bed, anymore than you can judge any family by a single rule.

I am presuming you don't have children?
why are you presuming that, when I have said on this very thread that I do? I have three. Two DSCs and one DD.

It wouldn't bother me. My 11 year old son loves a cuddle still, he's a big softie!

I suppose if your own children have never nipped into your bed in the morning it will seem odd. Did they never do that, even when they had a nightmare?

I feel a bit sorry for her - she sounds very insecure amongst all the other kids. And she is only 7.

In future then, your DP will have to manoevre her next to him so you don't feel suffocated, i presume.

I used to sleep in my mums bed if I was ill or had a nightmare up to the age of 5 and after that she just said no. If you don't like it op you need to say as it will just carry on otherwise until she grows out of it (which could be anytime). There are ways to show affection without having to share your bed. I think 7 years old is old enough to be bribed if necessary!