DSD in our bed? AIBU to feel wierd about this?

[kaluki]

DSD is 7, she is a very clingy and needy child and craves attention.
Before DP and I met she used to sleep in the same bed as him at his house as she didn't like sleeping in her room on her own and she used to have nightmares, she was only 5 when we met.
When she stays over at our house now she sleeps in her own bed in the room next door to us which she shares with DSS she but always comes in to us early in the morning and gets in bed with us. She won't lie on DP's side, she has to be in between us, in the middle. She just wants to be cuddled, but I feel so uncomfortable with it.

My own DSs have never co-slept with me since they were toddlers and got their 'grown up beds' and now they are older they wouldn't dream of getting in bed with us.
She came in at 7.00 on Sunday and I just had to get up to get away from her, I felt suffocated. I feel bad because she is just a child who wants a cuddle but it feels so alien to me, probably because my boys aren't really clingy at all (is it a boy thing maybe?). DP asked why I got up so early and I told him I wanted some space and he just made light of it.
Am I being a horrible stepmonster? Should I let her carry on doing this or say no from now on she has to stay in her bed? And if so - up to what age can she still do this.
Please don't flame me. I am trying so hard to make allowances for her but I really just want my bed to be my space. Its the only place I have left!

Funny that, coming on to a forum to chat with people with similar issues, for support. I'm sure none of the other MN boards have people on there giving support to one another

I try to engage in discussions where I am actually able to offer some meaningful perspective. I'd be reluctant, for example, to give advice to someone on a special needs issue of which I had no experience whatsoever. At best my opinion would be ill-advised.

You've compared having a child in your house on a sleepover to having stepchildren in the home. That shows a clear lack of understanding at best.

Actually, one of my DSS friends who was at our home for a sleepover, did wander into our bed and get in, I was naked he didnt seem overly upset and as far as I know he wasnt to traumatised!

What category does that put me in? Wicked stepmum to child and childs friend perhaps?

We're not talking about a childs needs here though - we are talking about a childs wants.

Even if you accept that the child needs to get into bed with her daddy it is not the case that she needs to be in the middle.

There is a big difference between need and want.

The op has said that she would be ok with the child coming in if she got in daddy's side of the bed. The child doesn't want to do this. Tough.

If it was me I would say yes you can come in but not in the middle - take it or leave it. Just because she has two homes it doesn't mean she has to have what she wants all the time in those homes.

thankyou gcb - that was exactly what I was trying to say earlier!

seeker - what an odd reply!

The way you referred to collective step-mums as 'you' rather than including yourself as a stepmum yourself certainly indicates that you don't consider yourself to be a step-mum - perhaps if you do have DSC, your attitude may be contributing to the confusion they feel in your home?

I'm a step mum & the sc have always got in our bed on a Sunday morning. I honestly never thought anything of it. I did always make sure I wore at least knickers and a vest top to be covered up, but never gave it much thought just did it. Now they are practically growing up my own children do the same. It's flattering really that the sc feel comfortable and 'at home' enough to do it IMO.

Wow! I thought this thread was all done and dusted yesterday. I wasn't expecting all this to follow!!!
Seeker - You are twisting everything that is being said on here. My DSD gets lots of cuddles from her dad, in fact she spends most of the day wrapped around him like a baby koala! I would be happy for her to get in his side of the bed and cuddle away, but she wants to be in between us, which is where I have the problem. We accommodate her needs more than any of the other dc because she is the youngest and seems to have been most affected by her parents divorce, etc etc, but there does come a point where we have to make boundaries. Otherwise she will try to sleep in between us all night .

My dc did occasionally come in my bed when they were little toddlers but only when they were ill or had nightmares etc, and then I was single so it didn't really matter. Since the age of about 4 they really haven't done it (except on Christmas or Birthday mornings when the excitement is too much for them!!). I am lucky now to have 2 very heavy sleepers who love their weekend lie ins
Its about personal space and respecting boundaries at the end of the day. DS will come in and use the loo while I am in the bath/shower as he always has done but DSCs can't. Same as they can come in when DP is getting dressed but my DC can't. Also my eldest DS is 12 now and needs the same privacy as an adult as he is developing in to a man whereas the 2 younger boys can get dressed in the same room without a care.
Oh and Brdgirl - I also have sex with DP when they are in the house asleep! How depraved we are

I think Glass has put it perfectly in relation to the OP's question.

anniemac - yes it moved on just a little

Anniemac - read the whole thread. Or at least my post of 12.30 today.
I am not trying to stop her cuddling her dad.
I would just rather she did it on his side of the bed.

Sorry Anniemac. Crossed posts.

And you may have missed me saying that obviously breast feeding would be a special case.

seeker, your comment that it was "bonkers" to sleep naked was aimed specifically at the bf-ing woman. Now you are back-pedaling.

And seeker, this is my DSC's "main" home. [More importantly, it is our family's home. In which each of us is entitled to privacy, safety, respect, and consideration.]

Are you actually trying to say that if a child is at one home 75% of the time, the adults in that home are entitled to a degree of privacy and freedom whereas the adults in the 25% home are not entitled to the same?

Or is it that the adults in the 75% home get to have privacy (and apparently, a sex life) only on the 25% days, whilst the 75% adults must give those things up only 25% of the time...

I admit to being very confused, as this seems to have no relatinship to reality. And I still don't understand - am I allowed to ever sleep naked beside my DH, or must I wait until the children have grown up and moved out?

aniemac, I agree that there are very different attitudes and comfort levels in this regard. The important thing is to recognise that the OP is not 'wrong' to feel uncomfortable.

Also what do you think your DH would do if your DC wanted to sleep in between you? Would he mind?

Sadly, I think it is also important to note, as I mentioned above, that many stepparents - and sadly, mabe, especially stepfathers - would be counselled not to co-sleep in this manner, for the protection of both the children and themselves. This is not only to avoid real or perceived abuse, but to protect the stepparent from accusations of improprietry.

I can easily imagine a thread in which a stepmum posted proudly about how her DSC loves to climb into bed with her for a morning cuddle, and the flaming that she would get from people who thought that she was taking liberties, overstepping, or acting inappropriately. As I posted earlier, my DSS cuddled regularly with me until very recently - but I know that in saying that, I risk a real negative reaction from people who would say that I was wrong to do so.

Another 'can't win' situation, maybe.

"And you may have missed me saying that obviously breast feeding would be a special case.

seeker, your comment that it was "bonkers" to sleep naked was aimed specifically at the bf-ing woman. Now you are back-pedalling"

Well, I didn't mean it to be- and I apologise if it was. Did I get names muddled? I'll check later.

Just checked.No it wasn't.

It's probably best that us step mums now know the error of our ways:

I shall be purchasing a floor length flame proof nightie for access weekends, and will desist from any marital relations when DSS is in the building.

I shall also purchase a victorian-style bathing costume, so that standards of taste and decency can be observed while I'm in the shower.

As DSS has two homes, it's best that he gets his own way when he's with us (no change there then).