I hate this OTHER WOMAN stealing MY baby?

[loopsylou]

Ok, so ExH and I broke up 5 years ago. We had lovely DD, who is 6. She's gorgeous and lovely, and my DH adores her, so all good there. But ExH married again 8 months ago. Lets call her Sarah.

I don't particularly like her, she's a bit too primp and proper for my liking and I always feel like she's sticking her nose up at me when we meet. Have tried to be civil and nice because I figured, we're not together anymore, so he can marry who he wants right? Fine, except this woman is unfortunately unable to have children, and I know she really wants some. So here is the problem. She adores DD as well. :(

DD goes to their house every weekend and spends the first 3 days of half term there. Last week DD comes home wearing a brand new pink top and miniskirt that she claims Sarah bought her. Apparently they went to the cinema and then shopping as dad felt they should have some bonding time :( I felt crap and managed a very forced smile, and "Oh that's lovely isn't it?"

But then when giving her a bath I noticed her toe nails were all nicely painted and beautiful. I asked when she'd had that done and she said "MummySarah took me to get them done at a posh spa building" That just about stabbed me in the heart. MUMMY-SARAH. :( :( :( ALSO, I WANTED TO TAKE HER FOR HER FIRST PEDICURE! And even then i was going to wait untill she was older, maybe 10 or 11! I feel like this woman is stealing my daughter, I don't particularly want her to go to their house tonight, I keep fretting that she will take more of these moments from me. Any advice?

Why would you arrange to go to a salon when you had no childcare?

agree totally that a 'kind aunt' wouldn't take a kid for a beauty treatment without checking with the mother first. not the father, the mother. mind you, i can't imagine either of my sisters getting my kids' hair cut either.

I'm sorry Amberleaf, putting nail varnish on a toddler boy is ok, but putting makeup on a toddler girl in the same context is wrong? That's what I'm being told on this thread

Not by me you werent, if you werent being so uppity you would have realised my post about painting my sons toe nails was written in clearly misguided defence of you putting make up on your young children.

Some mums wouldnt beable to find childcare, Im guessing. Some aunties/friend/stepmothers might offer or be given the child to look after and might have plans to go to get their hair/nails done on their only Saturday off and have no choice but to take the child with them and, hey ho, instead of the child being bored they pay for one of the staff to do something special with the child while they are having their treatments. Not a leg wax. Obviously.

Quite right londonmumsie, my ex's mum took my DD to see cinderella last year - her first panto, and not only that but my favourite story as a child.

My mum was the first to see her walk. My childminder gave her her first toe nail polish... her step mother took her to get her first short hair cut (DD asked her dad if she could have her long hair cut short and he said yes without asking me - last we both checked, her hair was her own property so no need to ask me)

There will be lots of "firsts" for OP and they'll be all the more memorable to her DD ask they will be with her Mum.

*In defence to the people who were saying it was so wrong for you to do it.

AitchTwoOhOneTwo why would hey ask the mother rather than the father necessarily?

"Btw, I hope none of you let your kids see 'pop' music videos, Lady Gaga, Beyonce, Girls Aloud, etc"

interesting point to raise, i think. as it happens, my dds haven't seen a great deal of these videos, but we have watched some bits and bobs on youtube. point is... I was there. we chatted about the videos, we chatted about the songs, we chatted about the dancing, and the costumes and the lyrics. I was there to make sure that they weren't just swallowing it hook, line and sinker as what women should aspire to.

are you really confused by that, BOM?

Not really confused no.. I know the answer. Because Mum is the most important parent, right?

I became stepmum to my dss when he was 7.

There is NO WAY I would ever have expected him to call me "mummy wilkos" I was and am just "wilkos".

IMO it is odd. Have a word with your ex.

As for the fact she clearly adores your DD, be thankful! If she was cold and cruel to her your DD would be so very unhappy.

I've re-read your post amberleaf, nope, you still have a double standard there I'm afraid. Its ok to put nail varnish on a toddler boy but not to do similar (I'm still don't understand why the salon thing is any sort of issue, its the same process different setting) to a 6yo girl. Completely lost now.

I'm gonna repeat that this thread would be better on the Lone Parents board. I wouldn't dream of offering opinions over there, why I'd it ok for non-steppies to do it here?

I guess because the threads come up for all to see? I dont think they are exclusive. We all have different relationships and experience and are able to add opinions.

I navigate mn through active convos and take little to no notice of thread topics.

I've re-read your post amberleaf, nope, you still have a double standard there I'm afraid. Its ok to put nail varnish on a toddler boy but not to do similar (I'm still don't understand why the salon thing is any sort of issue, its the same process different setting) to a 6yo girl. Completely lost now

Is it that hard to admit you got it wrong Anita? WOW.

Why do you keep making a point of saying boy ? maybe you need to take a look at your own ideas if thats such an issue, do you think putting nail varnish on a boy is harmful? You are the one talking about music videos [and presumably how they can influence girls] so whats your problem with a boy having nail varnish>? how very hypocritical of you.

If you really cant see the difference between my toddler having some nail varnish at home while im doing mine [and your 1 yr old getting some make up in the same context] and going to a salon for treatments, then why dont you take your baby to a salon and see what the response is.

The "MY" baby in the thread is also something that OP needs to work on.

Do you not refer to your biological children as yours? Or your husband as yours? Honestly?

why are you feeling so aggressive about this, BOM?

I have no problem with a boy having nail varnish on tbh Amberleaf, but similarly I would take any child in my care to the salon while I was having my hair done, and probably have the childs hair done too. I see young kids in my hair salon all the time. If I took DD to my salon (I don't as yet, she's too toung to have her hair done :)) she would be whisked away and coo-ed over by most probably the whole staff, the way they do with most kids, make them feel special and grown-up.

This thread hightlights how different peoples attitudes are and how society varies greatly.

There are many who aren't too bothered about someone else doing a child's 'first' with them.

Many who aren't bothered about someone else choosing clothes for their child.

Many who will accept a child calls someone what forms in their mind - it's often not pre-empted.

Then there are people for whom these things are big deals and complete no-no's or head fuckers.

I do have to wonder which group of people are happier?

I am LP, DS spends 3 days a year with my DM at a caravan and her sisters/ BIL and their kids and kids kids. Many times mum has done stuff with DS and then rang to say - Oh hope you don't mind, I know he hadn't done that before etc. It wasn't deliberate but they have so much fun she just doesn't stop to call and check everything she does with him. She does take photos and DS tells me all about it and so he gets a great experience and we get time together to talk about it.
My mum has also done stuff, allowed DS to do things I wouldn't. But I have to just suck it up, smile and nod!, she is in charge then and it's not much of a holiday for her and/or DS if they have to ask my permission over everything they do.

op You are going to have to try and relax about this. Use the time when DD comes home to listen to her, have quality time catching up with her.

Or you could talk to your child's other parent about how nasty it is to bring a little girl to have her nails done.

You don't have to relax about your child being raised in a way you think is damaging.

Must say I don't think that you just have to let the other parent or step-parent do things that you don't agree with just to keep the peace.

Surely the aim is to have similar views/parenting styles.

I suspect there was no malice on behalf of stepmother but I personally wouldn't have been happy at 6 year old having a pedicure. And quite surprised that on mn so many people seem ok with it on this thread. Suspect if it was the mother doing this the reactions would have been rather different.

chubfudler of course I refer to my child as mine. But I wouldn't single out the word "MY" and put it in capitals. OP is clearlty making the point that she feels the child belongs to her and her alone. I do understand why she is upset and why she is struggling but her attitude is not okay.

I wouldn't say I was aggressive - more passionate. I have seen first hand how insidious this kind of attitude can be. My DSD is in utter turmoil at the moment along with the rest of us - her mother has spent last past 5 years since her divorce getting increasingly bitter and this has resulted in a 12 year old being completly alienated from her father, myself and her step-sister in order to please her mother. It really is extremely sad and the fate of these alienated children is well documented.

Still, I'm sure it would be a great comfort to a mother, whilst sat with an insecure self loathing 18 year old daughter, to be able to say - well, at least I didn't allow another woman to take her to get her first pedicure.

I know I'm being irrational but I can't stop thinking, I don't want to share DD! This woman comes from a different background and has different standards. I want DD being raised how I chose to raise her, not how "sarah" does. :(