I hate this OTHER WOMAN stealing MY baby?

[loopsylou]

Ok, so ExH and I broke up 5 years ago. We had lovely DD, who is 6. She's gorgeous and lovely, and my DH adores her, so all good there. But ExH married again 8 months ago. Lets call her Sarah.

I don't particularly like her, she's a bit too primp and proper for my liking and I always feel like she's sticking her nose up at me when we meet. Have tried to be civil and nice because I figured, we're not together anymore, so he can marry who he wants right? Fine, except this woman is unfortunately unable to have children, and I know she really wants some. So here is the problem. She adores DD as well. :(

DD goes to their house every weekend and spends the first 3 days of half term there. Last week DD comes home wearing a brand new pink top and miniskirt that she claims Sarah bought her. Apparently they went to the cinema and then shopping as dad felt they should have some bonding time :( I felt crap and managed a very forced smile, and "Oh that's lovely isn't it?"

But then when giving her a bath I noticed her toe nails were all nicely painted and beautiful. I asked when she'd had that done and she said "MummySarah took me to get them done at a posh spa building" That just about stabbed me in the heart. MUMMY-SARAH. :( :( :( ALSO, I WANTED TO TAKE HER FOR HER FIRST PEDICURE! And even then i was going to wait untill she was older, maybe 10 or 11! I feel like this woman is stealing my daughter, I don't particularly want her to go to their house tonight, I keep fretting that she will take more of these moments from me. Any advice?

loopsylou Have you read the whole thread? Do you accept that whilst your feelings are completly understandable, they wil damage your child unless you work on dealing with them?

Are the standards damaging to your DD, really?

She's only there every other weekend. You are your daughters role model. If anything your DD might take on a little of theis "prim & properness" is that so bad? There will be all sorts of people that will affect her throughout her life.

My Mum jokes that since I started working in the industry I'm in now and earning money that I've become "stuck up".. You can't be the only influence in her life. I'm afraid that she needs her Dad too and Sarah is a part of that now.

I really do hope you work on this. For your daughter.

The op doesn't want her daughter to have a pedicure at the age of six. I don't think the woman her ex husband has married has the right to over rule that.

Just one more word from me and I promise I'll get lost

You can't "share" something that you don't possess. And you don't possess your daughter. She's her own person.

chubfuddler do you really think that is the issue here!? Baffling.

It would appear so, since the op has said so. Or perhaps with your psychic abilities you know better.

Realistically you will still have the lion share of raising the child and impacting on her values. Consider how much more time you have with the child then the step mum has or even the father.
I'm sure the father wishes he had a more fairer share so that the child had more access to his values and beliefs.
Furthermore, her teacher in school, grandparents, friends and friends parents will all impact on the values, beliefs and ideas that the child will be raised with. So unless you keep your child in a bubble that only you can access. You need to get use to the idea that you will not have exclusive rights to your child or the only impact. I guessing you aren't removing her from school. Also do you run everything yup do past her father first. Because father could have agreed to everything that was involved in the day and may not approve with everything you do but not feel it is his place to dictate what you can and can't do with your daughter during your time with her.

As for the pedicure - I'm a beauty therapist and our salon offers parties for children. Where they can have a manicure and pedicure, drink of squash. In reality this is a bit of hand cream and nail polish and not anywhere the same treatment an adult would receive. The same principle applies if an adult brings a child with them. But the children generally use the manicure pedicure word rather than say 'i had a bit of hand cream and some nail polish' which doesn't sound anywhere as good as saying 'i had a manicure '.

Err, that isn't what the OP said....

The pedicure thing was an example of something htat happened that triggered the post but her problems are:

"That just about stabbed me in the heart. MUMMY-SARAH"
"I WANTED TO TAKE HER FOR HER FIRST PEDICURE"
"i was going to wait untill she was older, maybe 10 or 11"
"I feel like this woman is stealing my daughter"
"I don't particularly want her to go to their house tonight"
"I keep fretting that she will take more of these moments from me"
"I don't want to share DD!"
"This woman comes from a different background and has different standards".
"I want DD being raised how I chose to raise her, not how "sarah" does"

Some of you have just picked up on the age thing because it's great when there's some tangible evidence that the step mother is indeed an evil and mindless bitch.

The poor OP has a real problem, youre just winding her up even more.

Cubb- do you think the father has the right to make that decision through? It is during his time and it's hardly anything permanent. If it was a piercing then I feel mum and dad should be in agreement before it is done. But nail varnish can be removed easy enough

It's not irrational to want to raise your child as you and her father see fit.

It is irrational not to want to "share" her. You are her mother, that's not a role that anyone else can usurp.

I think you should talk to her father about the Mummy Sarah thing - if it has come from your daughter, then it's nothing to worry about. If it's been suggested by another adult then it is not appropriate.

Separate out the things that are about jealousy (not reasonable) and those that are about how your daughter is patented (entirely reasonable).

Not all adult-child relationships are positive, even where the adult professes to "love" the child.

You are entitled to be concerned about how your daughter's stepmother interacts with her. Expecting you to be grateful that she doesn't hate her is pretty ridiculous.

at little girl training sessions at a beauty salon.

Yuck!

And no, it does not sound good for a child to talk about how they had a pedicure.

It's like people who talk about their 6 year old having a "boyfriend"

Nail polish can be removed, but the lessons that little girls should be beautifying themselves to get male attention can't be.

Sorry I couldn't help notice what a pp said yesterday about on another thread you have a daughter of 9.

How do you come to have a daughter of 9 with current DH and a daughter of 6 with your exH of 5 years? - genuinely confused and nosey interested.

With regards to this problem:-

Please be grateful and happy that your daughter has a stepmother who cares for her.

If you have certain expectations of what you want for your daughter then it's only fair to express these calmly to your exH, e.g. maybe you want to be the first to take her to the theatre, or you don't want her to play with make-up until "x" age.

It is highly likely that your daughter has taken it upon herself to say "mummySarah" and it may even be a one-off. Ask your exh calmly and casually " hey, where did the "mummySarah" thing spring from then?" and see what he says - they may even be completely unaware that she's doing it - for all you know she may never have actually said this to her face, only to you.

Okay - let's go back to the title of the thread shall we...

It wasn't "I'm concerned that my daughter is too young to have her nails painted" It wasn't "My DD's step mum is teaching her to objectify herself"

It was "I hate this OTHER WOMAN stealing MY baby?"

It's not about beautifying to look good for men - that's ridiculous

Little girls like nail varnish. Little girls like playing with dolls too but that does not mean they are planning a baby at 6.

Do you never wear nail varnish? I do and I do it for me not a man. In fact a lot of men prefer no nail varnish anyway. I do because I like it and thatsthe bottom line.

Painting a Childs nails once in a while isn't a crime - make issues of minor things can teach a child far worse things than that

Oh OP - 120 odd posts and all you can say is 'I know I'm being irrational but I can't stop thinking, I don't want to share DD!'

Well that's just tough because you and her dad are making your own lives and you would expect your partner to play a role in dd's life, you know you would. The way forward is for you and Sarah to be a united front and do things based on the same thinking. Of course you will need to talk to her for that to work. Not 'sharing' dd is not an option.

"Little girls like nail polish"

Yes, of course they do. They are born that way, all vain and shallow and needing to be spoilt and looked after.

It's nature's way, innit?

AThing it's clear you feel very strongly about this, but the argument isn't really relevant to this particular thread, seeing as the OP has already said she doesn't really have a problem with it. Perhaps you could debate it on a new thread rather than hijacking this one.

Ok.... And just where do you think beauty products developed from.... Make up etc has been used in various forms since before consumerism. How many children make their own perfume from flowers...the hussies.... :0

Picking flowers for their hair - what a terrible crime. Vanity is not a child having fun playing dress up etc.

"As for the pedicure - I'm a beauty therapist and our salon offers parties for children. Where they can have a manicure and pedicure, drink of squash. In reality this is a bit of hand cream and nail polish and not anywhere the same treatment an adult would receive. The same principle applies if an adult brings a child with them. But the children generally use the manicure pedicure word rather than say 'i had a bit of hand cream and some nail polish' which doesn't sound anywhere as good as saying 'i had a manicure '."

wow, this misses the point by a country mile.

Aitch - how does it miss the point. I was just trying to point out that a 6 year old saying pedicure does not mean she had the full works.

Persumbly the father was ok with it, it's happened, it's not in the least health concerning, so really if it's during fathers time their isn't much mother can do. Likewise if mother took child for a haircut would she ask father permission first? She can voice the view that she would prefer the child not to have nail varnish but she shouldn't make the child feel bad or dictate everything the father can and can't allow HIS child to do when with him anymore than he can to the mother.

if they had a good working relationship then yes i would expect the parent who has residency to be asked before the weekend parent changes the child's hair. if they have a toxic relationship then possibly not, because what better way to wind someone up?

and your previous para misses the point because it's the fact that a child would even know what a farking pedicure is at that age, and suddenly consider them desirable and enhancing of their desirability. not whether they've had the works...

Read post again I asked should the residence parent should ask NRP about hair cut. Not other way around.

AS someone who had a bitch for a stepmother and a non-commital fickle father, I think it's lovely that she ihas such a close relationship with both of them, and that the SM is going out of her way to be kind and loving to her. However, I understand how hurt you are. I would ask your ex to put a stop to the mummy thing. It's ok to call a step-parent mum or dad if the actual parent is not in your life, but if they are, and they love you, then it is a bit of a kick in the guts.

As far as the slightly icky new skirt and the painted nails go - unless it is something very damaging and dodgy I'd just suck it up for the sake of a happy relationship. Maybe tell your daughter thaty those things are for keeping at Daddy's and wearing/doing when she is there, but really in the scheme of things, not worth getting too worked up about. Honestly - just learn to laugh about it.

You have to remember - it may be your DD who chose them, and the SM agreed because she wants to be liked and to make her happy. It may not be that she is enforcing an adult look on her. Don't jump to conclusions or start laying blame.

I know it's very hard, but try to keep in mind that your little girl is extremely lucky to be so loved by both parents and have an adoring step-parent, and that really is the most important thing.