I hate this OTHER WOMAN stealing MY baby?

[loopsylou]

Ok, so ExH and I broke up 5 years ago. We had lovely DD, who is 6. She's gorgeous and lovely, and my DH adores her, so all good there. But ExH married again 8 months ago. Lets call her Sarah.

I don't particularly like her, she's a bit too primp and proper for my liking and I always feel like she's sticking her nose up at me when we meet. Have tried to be civil and nice because I figured, we're not together anymore, so he can marry who he wants right? Fine, except this woman is unfortunately unable to have children, and I know she really wants some. So here is the problem. She adores DD as well. :(

DD goes to their house every weekend and spends the first 3 days of half term there. Last week DD comes home wearing a brand new pink top and miniskirt that she claims Sarah bought her. Apparently they went to the cinema and then shopping as dad felt they should have some bonding time :( I felt crap and managed a very forced smile, and "Oh that's lovely isn't it?"

But then when giving her a bath I noticed her toe nails were all nicely painted and beautiful. I asked when she'd had that done and she said "MummySarah took me to get them done at a posh spa building" That just about stabbed me in the heart. MUMMY-SARAH. :( :( :( ALSO, I WANTED TO TAKE HER FOR HER FIRST PEDICURE! And even then i was going to wait untill she was older, maybe 10 or 11! I feel like this woman is stealing my daughter, I don't particularly want her to go to their house tonight, I keep fretting that she will take more of these moments from me. Any advice?

If my daughter was your niece I'd bat more than my eyelids if you took her to a beauty parlour.

There are lots of options for being a stepmother that are perfectly "right".

But just because you are a stepmother doesn't mean you are above criticism if you show incredibly poor judgement about how to behave around a child.

I think if I didn't have a boy of my own, I wouldn't know what was appropriate for his age at all! I know that as my partner has a daughter and I have no idea what's deemed appropriate for her, and she's about the same age as my son!

Having your child spend time with a stepmum is hard and sometimes you will have to swallow your pride and pain, and grin through it. It's far better that the 'stepmum' is showing an interest in your daughter.

I really wouldn't say anything about the 'mummy' thing as if they then chat to your daughter and ask her not to call the other woman 'mummy' your daughter may perceive it as rejection. It may not be such a big deal after all - my son spends one night a week with my mum and he's always calling her 'mum' by accident. I just wish he'd stop calling me 'nan' when he gets back home...

Being a mum isn't easy at the best of times, but if you can rise above stuff like this then you're doing a great job and, in the longterm, you will have earned the respect of all concerned - especially your daughter.

Loopsyloo - I hate to suggest it but you may prefer to post on the Lone Parents board, as this board is mostly frequented by Step-Parents.

But here's my two-penny-worth while you're here. My SD is 5 and we've had a very rough time with her mum (including court action to force her to allow contact), I'd actually been with DH two years, and married him two months after I met SD. so there's my back ground.

If I was going to have my nails done/facial/random beauty treatment at a time when we had SD, it would be most upsetting FOR HER if I had left her with DH while I was at the salon. I am effectively a third parent, and even the ex recognises that. I am in no way 'the other woman' they were well and truly done when I met DH.

SD would be gutted if she thought I was leaving her out. I have randomly bought her clothes, we enjoy shopping together and choosing things, sometimes for me sometimes for her. We have her on a weekend, I like to spend my own money on things that SD would like to wear, rather than have her refise to wear them.

If I was to go to a salon and take SD with me, it would be cruel to simply let her watch, I always put a tiny little bit make-up on both SD and DD (1year) if I'm putting make-up on, they would accept nothing less, they are interested in what I'm doing, and why shouldn't they be, they are children. I doubt very much she had an actual pedicure, more like she had her nails painted by the beautician so she didn't feel left out.

Even the mummy thing, SD has done this to me hundreds of times, and I've instantly corrected her, but it does happen. She has trouble understanding that I'm 'anita' to her and mummy to DD, its confusing for her. She thinks its a grown_up thing and I dislike titles if truth be known, she told me she thought DD would only call me mummy until she was bigger then she would call me 'Anita' too!

You put make up on a one year old and a five year old?

Okaaaayyy......

There is no need to take a little girl to a salon and it is utter horseshit to pretend it is the only option.

They are not a place for children.

What if you were going to the bookies? Would you be forced to bring a small child with you? Or would you figure something out?

She sounds nice and maybe you should appreciate the fact that your dd likes her. I'm still married but if I was in the situation of my dd calling her step mum 'mum' it oversteps the mark and I'd be having words. It must be heart wrenching for her knowing she might not be able to have children of her own but doesn't give her the right to share the title of 'mummy'.

I'm a step mum myself.
My step kids were 7 and 9 when I met them - they've never called me Mum (even by accident) but they did ask if I was going to be their 'new' Mum (freaked me out) but I said no and came up with something random on the spot. So, I'm wondering if the 'mummy-sarah' is a way your DD makes sense of the split between her families, but I really wouldn't take it as usurping you in any way - however nice I am to my steps, I don't come any where near their Mum in how they feel about me.
I also bought my DSC's clothes on a regular basis, some every day stuff, some special clothes - I never once thought I needed permission from their Mum to do so.
But, as a Mum also, I think hearing that would cut me in half, so I do sympathise.
The spa thing - is this the kind of the the step mum likes doing herself? In which case, I wouldn't read anything unduly 'dark' or unsuitable in it - she probably just thought it would be a nice girly thing to do together.
Unfortunately, once you have two families you cannot guarantee you will get to do the 'firsts' with them all the time. If there is something you specifically want to do, then fair enough to mention it, but it would be unreasonable to ask the childs father/step parent to run past you any activity they want to do with her in case you want to do it first.

I wouldn't like the skirt/nails but agree it is something you should grin and bear.

I would correct the Mummy-Sarah thing, whatever the child psychologists say....but then I decided what my kids would call me and dh decided for him, we didn't let them decide. In fact infact in dh's first language there are specific titles for maternal grandmother vs. paternal grandmother, and for mother's elder sister vs. mothers younger sister etc. So I am not sure I agree that young children should decide how to address adult relatives

Are you seriously telling me that as a significant person in a little girls life you've never put make-up on them? DD 'helps' when I'm getting ready for work, and yes I do brush her face with my blusher brush, dab her eyes as if I'm putting eye shadow on her etc. Etc., SD often brings make-up with her from her mums. Her mum paints her nails (as do I). I obviously don't paint DDs nails, but she likes to feel involved. Honestly where is the harm? Please tell me.

I had play make-up when I was small, I loved when my mum would paint my nails. These are little girls. They see you painting your nails, doing your make-up, making yourself up, to enhance your appearance, why expect them to be different? Children by their very nature copy adults, its normal.

All this tells me is that you know very little about little girls, I'm afraid.

The fact that this woman can't have kids could well change the dynamic of this relationship though, she may want to be closer to your DD than many step mums would, as this is possibly her only chance to have a little girl to spoil and look after. I can understand that might make you feel very uncomfortable though - so perhaps pick the issues that really matter to you, so you don't feel upset and undermined, talk to your ex and her about those, and keep trying to have a good relationship with this woman and not think of her as a rival.
I'd agree with the poster who suggested calling this woman 'Sarah' around your DD and ignore the 'Mummy' bit and maybe your DD will pick up on this and copy you.

Where is the harm? I don't know where to begin tbh if you can't see the wrong in putting make up on a baby.

Athinginyourlife are you anyfucker?

PS where would your daughters get their haircut, if not a hair salon? I don't think its inaappropriate to take my daughter to the hairdressers with me, and even (shock, horror) have her hair trimmed/styled while we are there (please note I would allow my SD to be styled, but never, ever cut), and then does it become inappropriate if, while we are at the salon we are offered a free file and polish?

Wow, what a minefield!

Arrrrrrrrgh!!!!!!

Little girls are not there to "spoil and look after".

They are people to be brought up well by sensible adults (including step-parents) who have their best interests at heart.

Not used by emotionally needy adults to fulfil the adult's fantasy's.

It is so, so damaging if this woman is using her step-daughter in this way (and I agree it sounds like she is).

Fantasies

If I was going to have my nails done/facial/random beauty treatment at a time when we had SD, it would be most upsetting FOR HER if I had left her with DH while I was at the salon

Really?

I dont see why, surely you would just say 'sorry this is what adults do'?

Ive put a bit of nail varnish on my boys toenails when iv been doing mine and they've offered up a foot, but even if they were girls I wouldnt dream of taking a 6 year old to a salon and getting them a treatment!

And your beautician offers a one year old a free file and polish? Crap.

Anita, my daughter does none of those things because I do not wear make up. Little girls are not much different from little boys, certainly my daughter is pretty similar in terms of behaviour to her older brothers at a similar age. I agree with AThing that I would have a real problem with anyone treating my daughter like a dress up doll in this way. I would also have a huge problem with the "MummySarah" thing, and although I wouldn't correct her outright. I would very firmly refer to her as Sarah and have very serious words with my XP, about that and the make up, although I appreciate there is very little I could do about either. I think given the context of the SM here, AThing's analysis is spot-on.

No, Chubbfiddler. I am my own sweary self :)

But flattered by the comparison :o

For those of you who would "hit the fucking roof" or similar... why? What's the harm?

Other than to your own ego of course.

Not a disney mum describes with chilling accuracy the kind of life ahead of small children whose mothers don't deal with their issues around the step parents in their lives.

It's not your fault that it hurts and annoys you but it is your fault if you have read and understood how badly your actions will affect your child and carry on regardless under some misguided assumption that as your the biological mother you are the only important person in your child's life.

To all those who are agast at the make up and nails, you are putting words in OP's mouth. She isn't concerned about the sexualisation of her child, she is worried that she is losing her DD to another woman - most people have reassured her that she wont. Ranting and raving about objectification is unhelpful.

I spoil and look after my DD, and I don't see the harm in putting nail varnish on her occasionally, or putting her hair up, etc. These things can be fun, fun is also a good thing to have around children.
These are my choices.
Yours are yours.

Good post BOM.

What's the harm in calling someone else mummy? Is it be obtuse night on mn by any chance?

athinginyourlife regards your comment "I wouldn't let you near my daughter" I'm afriad if she married your husband then you'd have to. That's the reality.