I hate this OTHER WOMAN stealing MY baby?

[loopsylou]

Ok, so ExH and I broke up 5 years ago. We had lovely DD, who is 6. She's gorgeous and lovely, and my DH adores her, so all good there. But ExH married again 8 months ago. Lets call her Sarah.

I don't particularly like her, she's a bit too primp and proper for my liking and I always feel like she's sticking her nose up at me when we meet. Have tried to be civil and nice because I figured, we're not together anymore, so he can marry who he wants right? Fine, except this woman is unfortunately unable to have children, and I know she really wants some. So here is the problem. She adores DD as well. :(

DD goes to their house every weekend and spends the first 3 days of half term there. Last week DD comes home wearing a brand new pink top and miniskirt that she claims Sarah bought her. Apparently they went to the cinema and then shopping as dad felt they should have some bonding time :( I felt crap and managed a very forced smile, and "Oh that's lovely isn't it?"

But then when giving her a bath I noticed her toe nails were all nicely painted and beautiful. I asked when she'd had that done and she said "MummySarah took me to get them done at a posh spa building" That just about stabbed me in the heart. MUMMY-SARAH. :( :( :( ALSO, I WANTED TO TAKE HER FOR HER FIRST PEDICURE! And even then i was going to wait untill she was older, maybe 10 or 11! I feel like this woman is stealing my daughter, I don't particularly want her to go to their house tonight, I keep fretting that she will take more of these moments from me. Any advice?

everyone's being very sensible and stout-hearted, OP, which is good. but i personally would want to annihilate someone who took my dd for a pedicure at the age of 6.

can you try to be pals with this woman, do you think? (in order to lean on her a bit re beauty treatments at an age when a trip to the park is infinitely preferable).

My husband would divorce a woman who treated his daughters like that.

To all those who are agast at the make up and nails, you are putting words in OP's mouth. She isn't concerned about the sexualisation of her child, she is worried that she is losing her DD to another woman - most people have reassured her that she wont. Ranting and raving about objectification is unhelpful

No, OP said she wouldnt take her daughter to a salon until she was at least 10-11, why do you think that is?

Maybe because its not appropriate for 6 yr old girls?

If that is what the OP feels then her feelings on that should be respected-they werent.

I have to say I trust my husband, in the unlikely event we divorced, not to marry a woman who would take a six year old to a beauty parlour. Nor would he allow the mummysarah crap.

A mini skirt in January would be worn with lovely thick tights, surely? Lots of skirts for little girls are above the knee.

I never said that, I've never taken DD to a hairdressers she's way too young to have a haircut, but the salon I go to also has beauticians who I know very well, so yes, when I eventually take DD there they will fuss and coo and want to paint her nails.

I choose to wear make-up, particularly for my work where being well-groomed is considered an important part of my company's image. My make-up is light and enhances my features. My DD likes to join in.

Amberleaf - you put nail varnish on a boy and yet thoink its wrong on agirl. Ok. This thread is surreal now!

The beauticians at your usual salon must be daft bints then.

I'm sure he would. But OP's husband hasn't. He has deemed this woman a suitable caretaker of his child and therefore OP has absolutley no rights here.

Making comments like "I wouldn't let her near my DD" are incredibly unhelpful. She needs to deal with her feelings and let go of them, not be further wound up and agravated by a load of ignorant and unhelpful advice about dictating to her ex what there daughter is and isn't allowed to do.

If she has a good relationship with her ex then there could be some gentle discussion around suitable ages for various things to happen - as "together" couples would. But there is no point causing a ruckus (sp!?) after an event. Yes OP did mention the age she would find it appropriate but the over riding tone of her post is the jelousy and possesivness. I'm sure she'd agree.

Maybe Sarah is inexperienced with children and needed to get a pedicure herself and one of the beauticians offered to paint her toe nails?

OP my friend was in your boat and didnt accept the new wife being involved with her daughters, it ended in a whole mess. It cant be nice what you are feeling but, can you think of Sarah as just being a kind aunt like figure? Shes going to be around for awhile. My nieces call me mummy all the time when we are out and about, the older ones laugh at their mistake but the six year old says it and I ignore it as I know she will grow out of it. I remember calling my teacher mum!

Also fairly surreal to be talking about objectification and sexualisation of little girls and calling women "daft bints" in the same breath... nice.

Brightness - I agree with the aunt analogy. That's what I tried to say upthread.

I wouldn't take a kid for a pedicure, life's too bloody short for primping my hooves, but that's what I tried to say - it's the sort of thing some aunts might do.

It is so scary developing a relationship with a potential step child. You just know any false move and it will be analysed to death all over mumsnet

Not surreal at all. Women are just as capable of objectifying themselves and other women as men.

Maybe Sarah had booked a padicure during her weekend off and at the last minute OP's ex landed her with the child to look after. Faced with the choice of losing her appontment (why the hell should she) or taking the child, she took the child. Whilst there DD asked if she could have her nails paited and the saturday person offered to paint them for her to keep her amused while she waited. Sarah felt a bit uncomfortable but the child was insistant that Mummy would say yes. She phoned OP's ex and asked if it was okay with him, he said it was (or possibly didn't even answer the phone) so she went ahead.

The child-stealing hussy!

I know first hand that it's easy to let emotions run away with you but the likelyhood is that this woman is very normal and loving and is desperatly trying to feel her way through the situation she has found herself in. We all had 6 years to get used to having a 6 year old daughter, she has had a few months!

I've just re-read this in the OP "And she adores DD "

OP, again, I urge you to get some help over this. Ending a sentence about someone adoring your child with a sad face is ringing alarm bells with me and I think you need to nip this in the bud for your child's sake.

AnitaBlake

Amberleaf - you put nail varnish on a boy and yet thoink its wrong on agirl. Ok. This thread is surreal now!

Err no I said ive put some on my sons when they've watched me doing mine, obviously im talking about toddler ages, you know when small children watch and want to do what you're doing?

I didnt say ive done a full pedicure, just a bit [as I said in my other post] on their big toenails, maybe I should have made that clearer thought most people would know the difference between bit and full predicure

I also didnt say nail varnish is wrong on girls, I said a 6 yr old going to a salon for treatments is wrong IMO.

I think you are totally right. Ive had my DN's hair cut in Vidal Sasoon before now, because I didnt want her getting bored whilst I had mine done. I feel guilty now....

Maybe Sarah had booked a padicure during her weekend off and at the last minute OP's ex landed her with the child to look after. Faced with the choice of losing her appontment (why the hell should she) or taking the child, she took the child. Whilst there DD asked if she could have her nails paited and the saturday person offered to paint them for her to keep her amused while she waited. Sarah felt a bit uncomfortable but the child was insistant that Mummy would say yes. She phoned OP's ex and asked if it was okay with him, he said it was (or possibly didn't even answer the phone) so she went ahead

That is pure conjecture.

The OP said that it was done last week and for the purposes of 'bonding'

Kind aunts do not bring their very young nieces for their first pedicure years before their mother thinks it appropriate.

How girls are introduced to the world of being a woman and all the objectification and body issues that entails is a very important part of raising them.

It is a parent's job.

This girl has 2 parents, and this is the kind of thing they should decide between them.

It should not be pushed through years before time sons childless woman gets to use a small child as an emotional crutch.

This is the kind of area where fathers, knowing less, tend to defer to mothers. Just as there are things about raising boys that should be left to their Dads.

The OP should have a serious conversation with her ex and co-parent about how their daughter is going to be raised and how his new wife should not be setting the pace here.

And I would do my best to minimise the influence a woman like this could have over my daughter. I would be very worried to find out DH had such a lack of judgement in his choice of stepmother for our children.

So says who... the 6 year old?

Okay okay - it was a toe polish, not a flamming hollywood wax and a vajazzle!

I'm sorry Amberleaf, putting nail varnish on a toddler boy is ok, but putting makeup on a toddler girl in the same context is wrong? That's what I'm being told on this thread.

Further to this, if I have my DD and SD and no-one to look after them when I go to the salon (this is a possiblity in my situation) I'm positively abusing them by aking them with me and letting the girls there make a fuss of them. Hmmmmm. I'm into heavy metal too, who would like to call social services? Btw, I hope none of you let your kids see 'pop' music videos, Lady Gaga, Beyonce, Girls Aloud, etc

Well at the pace this woman is setting she'll bring the child for her first Brazilian when her first pube shows up.

I wanted to give my girl her first pedicure, my mum did it.

I really wanted to show them Bugsy Malone, school did it.

Life is full of those disappointments.

I have a step-mother who hates me. It is awful beyond belief. Please be glad for what you have.

How odd. On another thread, OP, your DD is 9. Which is it?