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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Re: are you a dad who pays maintenance?

216 replies

pickyourbrain · 27/04/2011 15:07

I posted this on dadsnet and then saw that no one goes on it!! One poster suggested coming over here? Is that ok?

"Do you pay the CSA guidelines? Or less? or More? Why?

If you pay more how would you react to your new partner asking you not to?

Situation is: I am in a very happy relationship. My DP has a DD (12) with his ex wife whom he has been divorced from for 4 years. We met 6 months after. We have lived together for 3 years. We have his DD half of the time and I have a DD who lives with us 10 days out of 14.

We both work full time. He earns a bit more than me.

His ex wife works 16 hours a week in a minimum wage job (through choice, she has been offered promotions and more hours but chooses not to take them) their DD is at secondary school so there is no child-led reason for her lifestyle choice.

He pays twice the reccommended CM amount. I was always fairly happy with this as I thought it showed dedication to his DD which I admire. However, over the years it has become apparent that this money is not spent on the child as she often comes to us when she needs things and DP pays for half of (eg.) school uniform (etc.) as well as the maintenance.

we are getting to the point where it is clear we are in this relationship for the long haul. I am on his pension, growing old together has been discussed and we want to save for the deposit for a house. Marriage not on the cards as such yet however.

So my issue is, although we can manage on what we have - I have an overwhelming feeling that I am being 'mugged' off because I am working really hard (both in my employment and also in actual care for mine and their child) (and being a bloody good girlfriend too! - home cooked meals every night, nookie on tap - ;)) and yet he is handing money over to her every month out of choice rather than either spending on his DD, spending on himself, or using it to save for the future of our family...

Any insight in to why he is (in my mind) choosing his ex over his life here in our home??!!!!

I want to ask him to stop, but I don't want him to think I'm trying to stake some claim on his money. I couldn't care less if he wanted to spend it on spionsoring rhinos to be honest - I just don't want her to be his priority anymore... is that wrong?

(It's not for the benefit of his child as she is here half of the time and has everything she needs. If he paid his ex less she would have to get a proper job, so his DD wouldnt go without)"

OP posts:

Original poster

pickyourbrain · 02/05/2011 22:19

I guess he should have left immediately but he beleived in the vows he took and wanted to make things work. Another thing he should be commended for I think rather than called foolish.

OP posts:

glasscompletelybroken · 03/05/2011 08:59

lol pyb- pity they don't wear T-shirts, would save us all a lot of grief!

Original poster

pickyourbrain · 04/05/2011 10:28

That is true... I'm younger than my dp though so i like to think of it as that i am pleased he had a shit marriage with her because she was keeping him aside for when I was old enough and ready to meet him plus he's greteful now to have a good woman by his side - I think the divorced ones are always more greteful

OP posts:

glasscompletelybroken · 04/05/2011 10:43

I think there's something in that - sometimes I wish I had met my DH sooner but maybe we wouldn't have got on so well when we were younger. Now we have both had crap relationships we can appreciate each other more!

Original poster

pickyourbrain · 04/05/2011 11:21

Absolutely glass
My dp doesnt openly compare his ex and I (that would be a bit wierd!) But boy does he appreciate me and it's the same the other way. I think we both sought out the exact opposites of our previous partners!! If his ex had been nice he'd still be with her and I would be without him... so hoorah for the bitches!

OP posts:

glasscompletelybroken · 04/05/2011 11:23

er - that might be going too far...!!

Original poster

pickyourbrain · 04/05/2011 11:27

yeah... point taken. I still hate her

OP posts:

LittleWhiteHeart · 04/05/2011 14:23

wow ... this threads turned into a right follercoaster since I posted a response last week ... must swing by MN more often!

LittleWhiteHeart · 04/05/2011 14:23

ooops, meant to say 'rollercoaster'!

Original poster

pickyourbrain · 04/05/2011 15:04

Indeed littlewhiteheart !!

OP posts:

Happylander · 07/05/2011 09:57

My DH pays through CSA. He chose to go through CSA as she was demanding £500 a month, life insurance, dog insurance, house insurance plus he was also paying £120 on her car loan. I said no fucking way is he paying that much when we are getting into debt so she tried lawyers and so he went through CSA and now pays £268 per month and her car loan and no more. I do not get that for our child so I don't see why she should get more on top of what is calculated. She has her rent paid for by state and gets other benefits so that £268 is purely for her daughter. Oh hold on no it's not it's for her to get her hair cut and coloured, her eyes lasered, the holidays she goes on (leaves daughter behind with Grandma after telling my DH she can't have her). My view is I have always worked and although she is now at Uni she still has plenty of time to get a job as her mother has her daughter most weekends so she can lie in both days and go out. She should also pay for her child and not just my DH. God I would love to be given £268 to just spend on my child...................

Happylander · 07/05/2011 09:59

Sorry am guilty of not realising there were more pages than the first one

Original poster

pickyourbrain · 07/05/2011 11:02

Haha don't worry

So what was the reaction from him when you said 'no way' ?

OP posts:

Happylander · 07/05/2011 11:47

Oh luckily for me he was beginning to realise she was taking the piss especially when she wasn't even allowing him to see his daughter. I don't think he wanted another marriage to fail either and I made it pretty clear that although I had absolutely no problem with him paying for his daughter and that he had no choice to pay for the her car I wasn't prepared to get into more debt to fund her lifestyle and that I would rather be single. He is very good though plus if he paid anymore money to the lazy cow he would have even less money to save to go and see his daughter as it costs £300 on average for him to go see her. I think the ex having laser eye therapy, turning up at handover time with a new haircut and colour while telling his daughter that she couldn't go and get her haircut as they didn't have the money (£15 for a kids cut) means that he won't ever be giving any extra money for anything.
I must say it does feel good knowing that he won't back down to her where money is concerned. Plus he sees me working, studying at uni and looking after her son and sees her doing well ....not much lol. Being a second wife does have some perks i.e. I can never ever be as bad as his first and as she was so lazy he came very well housetrained :O)

Original poster

pickyourbrain · 07/05/2011 11:57

You are right about the perks! No matter what I do I could never make him as unhappy as she did, I'm apprreciated a lot more than friends I have where they are their partners first because those men don't relise they're born!!

OP posts:

perfumedlife · 07/05/2011 14:22

I think you are being very tolerant op. When I met dh, he was paying exwife £1200 a month, she was living rent free with my dh's mother, claiming housing benefit, my stepson was living with her parents and she worked 'on the side'. Dh was living in a bedsit. He had signed some informal undertaking her lawyer drew up when he was in a state over the break up/losing his son and thought there was nothing he could do. He also gave her 50k from the sale of the marital home, all the profit. The marriage lasted little over a year.

When I realised we were getting serious, I told him he would need to sort this out. He was spending all his time at my comfy, cosy home, that I worked to pay for, because his dodgy bedsit was crummy and all he could afford after paying her so much each month. Like you, I wondered how on earth we could build a future that both could contribute to. Hell would freeze over before I would fund her lifestyle. As soon as dh got a lawyer she started trying to blackmail us over contact with ds, then harrassment, then threats. She also took us to court lying that she didn't receive the 50 thousand. Stupid, stupid woman. We easily proved otherwise, but it cost a lot in court costs, flights, hotels, lawyers and forced us to move our wedding date.

When we did see ss, he was wearing clothes way too small, trousers half up his legs. She clearly didnt spend a fraction of the maintenance on him. I have no problem with maintenance. Like others said, what woman would want to be with a man who avoided is most basic responsibilities to his child? But this was over the top.

Court came around and the judge threatened her with jail for wasting court time, lying and the child maintenace was cut to £600 per month, nothing for her. It felt good.

The downside is that contact was erratic over the years according to her whims. But we never bowed down to her. It's crucial that you and dp are united on these aims and he is fully in agreement that the future needs to be planned for.

In my view, when an ex pays over the odds, any future cutting gets short shrift by the courts who take the view you could afford it then, so keep paying. It sets a precedent you dont want.

Time to sort this out. Their marriage is over, his support is for the child, and he is still entitled to have a new life, just as she is.

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