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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Re: are you a dad who pays maintenance?

216 replies

pickyourbrain · 27/04/2011 15:07

I posted this on dadsnet and then saw that no one goes on it!! One poster suggested coming over here? Is that ok?

"Do you pay the CSA guidelines? Or less? or More? Why?

If you pay more how would you react to your new partner asking you not to?

Situation is: I am in a very happy relationship. My DP has a DD (12) with his ex wife whom he has been divorced from for 4 years. We met 6 months after. We have lived together for 3 years. We have his DD half of the time and I have a DD who lives with us 10 days out of 14.

We both work full time. He earns a bit more than me.

His ex wife works 16 hours a week in a minimum wage job (through choice, she has been offered promotions and more hours but chooses not to take them) their DD is at secondary school so there is no child-led reason for her lifestyle choice.

He pays twice the reccommended CM amount. I was always fairly happy with this as I thought it showed dedication to his DD which I admire. However, over the years it has become apparent that this money is not spent on the child as she often comes to us when she needs things and DP pays for half of (eg.) school uniform (etc.) as well as the maintenance.

we are getting to the point where it is clear we are in this relationship for the long haul. I am on his pension, growing old together has been discussed and we want to save for the deposit for a house. Marriage not on the cards as such yet however.

So my issue is, although we can manage on what we have - I have an overwhelming feeling that I am being 'mugged' off because I am working really hard (both in my employment and also in actual care for mine and their child) (and being a bloody good girlfriend too! - home cooked meals every night, nookie on tap - ;)) and yet he is handing money over to her every month out of choice rather than either spending on his DD, spending on himself, or using it to save for the future of our family...

Any insight in to why he is (in my mind) choosing his ex over his life here in our home??!!!!

I want to ask him to stop, but I don't want him to think I'm trying to stake some claim on his money. I couldn't care less if he wanted to spend it on spionsoring rhinos to be honest - I just don't want her to be his priority anymore... is that wrong?

(It's not for the benefit of his child as she is here half of the time and has everything she needs. If he paid his ex less she would have to get a proper job, so his DD wouldnt go without)"

OP posts:
carriedababi · 27/04/2011 21:48

thing is he always has to have some sort of relationship with the mother of his child, even when his dd is an adult, there will always be soemthing that comes up, his dd gets married, his dd has a baby etc
so he probably wants to keep his ex on side

he may feel guilty that hes dds family home was shattered
and just want to do what he feels is the right thing

and after all shes already 12 and the next few years will fly

ivykaty44 · 27/04/2011 21:48

I work with a woman who stopped get maintenence in 2005 at £25k per year

Original poster
pickyourbrain · 27/04/2011 21:54

S**t ivykaty, sorry, I meant 2003 Blush

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 27/04/2011 21:58

Its ok, I still got to see a smug smile wipped off my ex's face well and truely which was nice after the nasty things he had done to me in front of the dc and I had to stand and ignore them for the sake of the dc. Which menas I can in someways see why peace is soemtimes more favrable than money and trying to keep everyone a bit happy even if they are not completly happy is soemthing we do when we where married to a nasty peace of work Sad

Original poster
pickyourbrain · 27/04/2011 22:00

Thanks for all the advice, I will try to not get so upset by it. I just want this to work. I want to build our life. I want the stability of having our own home, and having some money put aside for the girls. And I want our home to be our home.

I don't want this woman dipping in to what I consider to be our family money when she is such a disgrace. And most of all I want to underatnd my partner, who isn't telling me his true feelings.

OP posts:
desperatelyseekingsnoozes · 27/04/2011 22:02

But she is going to be dipping into your family money, she is part of your family.

Original poster
pickyourbrain · 27/04/2011 22:07

No way, not ever. Never. She is a racist, homophobic, bone idle, lier who smacks her child. Not a member of my family.

OP posts:
Alberto · 27/04/2011 22:09

Can you find anything to like about her? Like other posters say she's not going anywhere so you're going to have to find a way of dealing with how you feel about her.

desperatelyseekingsnoozes · 27/04/2011 22:11

She is not going anywhere, she is going to be in your life and you need to deal with it.

I am sure you think you are a reasonable person, your dp loved you and he at one time loved her. There must be a thread between you unless your dp has children with random women.

Original poster
pickyourbrain · 27/04/2011 22:17

We have a vaguely similar sense of humour. By dp's own admission he was looking for someone to boss him about and make all the decisions for him in his early 20s as he has just lost his mum. They met and married very quickly.
It is unlikely he would look for any of the same qualities now that he looked for during that time. In fact, I think he has gone as far the opposite a person as he could get.

OP posts:
desperatelyseekingsnoozes · 27/04/2011 22:20

Well start with the sense of humour, hating this woman will make you miserable and is not good for your children.

droopypoppies · 27/04/2011 22:24

OP, another question.....does your DP's XP live in a rented house, council house? or does she have a mortgage?

Original poster
pickyourbrain · 27/04/2011 22:33

rented, why?

OP posts:
travispickles · 27/04/2011 22:42

Haven't read all yet - althoughI will. I am in a similar situation, although DP now pays what CSA expect (as his ex thought he would be made to pay MORE than he already was). The thing is, CSA work out how much he should pay from his monthly wage for his child, but not for her expenses. I totally understand, it makes me mad when we see his ex (who also chooses not to work) in nice new clothes but DSS in trousers that are waaay too short on the leg, hair unwashed etc. Like you say, that is our money - if she wants the finer things in life for herself she should get a job. Like me. Or you. [cangry]

travispickles · 27/04/2011 22:43

How do they get on now. your DP and his ex? Was/ is there animosity?? (sorry if already answered that)

Original poster
pickyourbrain · 27/04/2011 22:53

Loads of animosity... Iused to blame her for every thing but basically she stamps her feet and gets her own way which is his fault for allowing.

He says no waaaay loads more now though and I am greteful for that as it's not easy for him. She is very good at manipulating and after a marriage like that it must be hard for him to stand up for himself.

OP posts:
droopypoppies · 27/04/2011 22:55

I am asking because the posters on here saying £500 a month CM isn't much when you are raising a child, well blow me down with a feather, I clearly don't inhabit the same planet.

Yes there may be many men paying more than that, but my name isn't Heather Mills. Wink

I live in the SE, and if I were to earn £400 a month, I'd receive my wages (obviously), and including HB/CTB/WTC/CTC and CB, I'd also receive another £452.15 a week. Shock.

Wages and benefits total comes to more than £23000 a year. On top of which, if I were to get £580 a month in CM (which incidentally is closer to £600 than £500), that would add almost another £7K a year. Throw in the all the added extra's you have described, and that's a tidy amount to be living on, especially when you are only feeding/providing for your DD half of the time. Shock

OTOH, If I were to decide not to work at all, I could get all my rent paid, all of my Council Tax paid, and pay for half of raising DD on £280 a week!!!

There's many single parents who would think they were in 7th heaven on that money. A huge number of single parents with one child have less than £150 a week to live on after their rent/CT is paid, and they get no extra's, provide everything and don't share care with their XP's, so I think the OP's DP's XP is getting a decent living tbh.

tokenwoman · 28/04/2011 08:39

Ok ive read the whole thread here is a tale of 2 different circumstances

I was awarded £5 a week for 2 children as my ExH was self employed and all the money went into the business and suppossedly he only had £30pw to live on the house was sold and the profit shared (we'd been married for 17 years) Ive not had a penny for years and years and gave up nagging and shouting ages ago for my own sanity I support myself and my children and have done so for the last 10 years I rent i have no assets, no savings but no debt either It been tough but hey thats life ExH sees the children rarely (his choice, his karma his concscience)

MY DP on the other hand started paying £1000 per month (court order) for 1 child dropped to £750 per month 2 years later and eventually asked for the court order to be amended in line with CSA 15% so now pays £350 per month exw doesnt work never did, she got two thirds of the house profit that allowed her to buy a house outright in an expensive part of royal surrey, my DP had to take out a mortgage to buy a house she got all the furniture, car, pension (they were married for less than 10 years) she is now married to very rich man but still asks for top ups on extra expenses for child which DP pays as well as all the usual expense when she is with him (and she is an expensive child)

Its very hard not to get bitter and twisted OP and I understand where you are coming from but its something you have to learn to accept life is not fair for many many people but for everyone who gets more than they deserve there is someone who doesn't get anything. The whole CM system is skewed anyway and needs a massive overhaul to make it fairer on everyone

just one final thought if your DP was to win the lottery under the CM rules he would have to give ExW 15% of the winnings or interest earnt on that just the same if my DP invented the one widget tomorrow that could save the world and made shed loads of money he would still under the CSA rules give 15% to the ExW in CM, Id have to have my karma seriously looked at if that happened

mrsravelstein · 28/04/2011 08:43

"By dp's own admission he was looking for someone to boss him about and make all the decisions for him"

and now you say he's the perfect man except for the fact that he is sticking to an agreement he made with the mother of his child (before you were on the scene, which is not inconveniencing you financially) and he won't do what you want and change it

you've got to see the irony there, surely?

theredhen · 28/04/2011 08:51

droopypoppies, I'm with you on this one. Having been a single parent who lived a comfortable life by earning not much money and having government top ups.

You can survive perfectly adequately without maintenance - the government makes sure of that. The way I see it maintenance is a bonus and PWC who claim they can't live without it, should be managing their finances a bit better.

Yes, it gives the child a better quality of life and yes, NRP SHOULD pay maintenance but this never ending access to a NRP wallet is not necessary.

mrsravelstein · 28/04/2011 08:52

also, i have to say, it's the rare marriage where one person is a "a racist, homophobic, bone idle, lier who smacks her child" and the other is a total saint.

you have such strong angry feelings towards this woman, who is always going to part of your life if you stay with dp, that you really need to consider whether you can get over your bitterness or not.

sometimes i'd love to have a stand up row with my exh and his gf, but then i think about the future - when ds1 graduates/gets married/has children/wins the nobel peace prize, i would like me, dh, exh and his gf, and the 4 half siblings to be able to all celebrate happily together. we are all his family, and it would be very sad for him if there was a lot of bitterness about things that don't necessarily matter.

follyfoot · 28/04/2011 09:06

My DH has always paid more to his XW and children than the CSA would have awarded (loads more actually). And he told her to have their house, its equity, some savings policies and all the furniture. It has been financially a bit tough for us at some points and she didnt always play fair: the spousal support was supposed to cease if someone lived with her, but she didnt tell DH that she was living with someone. Being the nice bloke he is, my DH waited a few months then cut the money down gradually until he was paying just for the children.

My DH says he knew how much it would cost for her and his DCs to have a decent standard of living. He paid that amount. I can honestly say that its not an issue for us. They are his DCs, he has/had an emotional and financial responsibility towards them. I completely understand that and did at the time of getting together with him. I think it shows he is a decent human being and father and consider it to be a really positive aspect of his personality rather than a negative as you seem to see it.

Whether you like it or not, he is tied to his first family (including his ex-wife), and you are going to have to come to terms with that, hard as it may be. If not, your insecurities around his XW will start to destroy your relationship.

Original poster
pickyourbrain · 28/04/2011 09:17

mrsravelstein I do not see the irony. My point his that HE says he isn't happy with the arangement - yet he continues to do it. My question all along has been why does he choose to do this - not why wont he do as I say... if he told me he was happy with the arrangement and why, that would be my answer right there and I could decide what to do accordingly.

And she is all of the things I metnioned. They got married after a couple of months. he didnt know she was those things, he certainly isn't. He made the mistake of marrying quickly before he knew her properly.

I don't walk around all bitter all of the time. I have a ghreat life, I am just bitter about this one thing. It niggles, that's why I am asking about it on here. The rest of my relationship is perfect as is my life. I am just someone who wants complete happiness, and this isnt making me happy.

follyfoot You don't understand. I said right at the beginning that his attitude towards supporting his child is something I admired and that for this reason I didnt mind it at first. It is now apparent that the money does not go on the child but on supporting her lifestyle..

Honestly - I am not saying I begrudge the child a penny - is that not clear???!!!!!

droopypoppies You are right, it is a hell of a lot of money and a lovely lifestyle for working 16 hours a week and having only one child with you half of the time!!

OP posts:
Original poster
pickyourbrain · 28/04/2011 09:20

And he wasn't a total saint, he was a rubbish husband I expect. never wanted to spend any time with her, avoided her at all costs. Was embarrassed by her and resented the fact she wouldnt do anything to help support the family. Not exactly a great husband becaus ehe didn't like her. They both made a huge mistake in getting married. totally un-suited.

OP posts:
follyfoot · 28/04/2011 09:28

The money goes to her, what she does with it isnt actually any of your business (sorry I cant think of another way to say it). Its between him and her. As is what their marriage was like, again, its not of any relevance to you.

You do sound like its all getting a bit out of proportion and it could become a very corrosive element in your relationship. Try to let go of it.