Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Re: are you a dad who pays maintenance?

216 replies

pickyourbrain · 27/04/2011 15:07

I posted this on dadsnet and then saw that no one goes on it!! One poster suggested coming over here? Is that ok?

"Do you pay the CSA guidelines? Or less? or More? Why?

If you pay more how would you react to your new partner asking you not to?

Situation is: I am in a very happy relationship. My DP has a DD (12) with his ex wife whom he has been divorced from for 4 years. We met 6 months after. We have lived together for 3 years. We have his DD half of the time and I have a DD who lives with us 10 days out of 14.

We both work full time. He earns a bit more than me.

His ex wife works 16 hours a week in a minimum wage job (through choice, she has been offered promotions and more hours but chooses not to take them) their DD is at secondary school so there is no child-led reason for her lifestyle choice.

He pays twice the reccommended CM amount. I was always fairly happy with this as I thought it showed dedication to his DD which I admire. However, over the years it has become apparent that this money is not spent on the child as she often comes to us when she needs things and DP pays for half of (eg.) school uniform (etc.) as well as the maintenance.

we are getting to the point where it is clear we are in this relationship for the long haul. I am on his pension, growing old together has been discussed and we want to save for the deposit for a house. Marriage not on the cards as such yet however.

So my issue is, although we can manage on what we have - I have an overwhelming feeling that I am being 'mugged' off because I am working really hard (both in my employment and also in actual care for mine and their child) (and being a bloody good girlfriend too! - home cooked meals every night, nookie on tap - ;)) and yet he is handing money over to her every month out of choice rather than either spending on his DD, spending on himself, or using it to save for the future of our family...

Any insight in to why he is (in my mind) choosing his ex over his life here in our home??!!!!

I want to ask him to stop, but I don't want him to think I'm trying to stake some claim on his money. I couldn't care less if he wanted to spend it on spionsoring rhinos to be honest - I just don't want her to be his priority anymore... is that wrong?

(It's not for the benefit of his child as she is here half of the time and has everything she needs. If he paid his ex less she would have to get a proper job, so his DD wouldnt go without)"

OP posts:
Original poster
pickyourbrain · 27/04/2011 20:52

But Dss if you didnt give her the money to have that lifestyle without working, wouldnt she just have to work?? Surely she wouldnt live in squallor? What will happen when the kids grow up/ will you continue to fund her?

OP posts:
desperatelyseekingsnoozes · 27/04/2011 20:54

She does work, she works part time.

I have been a single parent it is hard, very hard. We think as a family that DSS would be better of emotionally if his mother did not have to work all the hours God sends to put a roof over his head.

desperatelyseekingsnoozes · 27/04/2011 20:56

I imagine she will support herself when SS leaves home.

ivykaty44 · 27/04/2011 20:58

As I said that wasn't the judges thoughts on the law and he had the final say, I know judges are arrogant but I am sure they don't make it up Grin

Original poster
pickyourbrain · 27/04/2011 21:04

No one said "all the hours god sends" no one should have to do that. I'm talking the standard 37.5 hours... 30 of which a school age child is at school anyway.

What was the situation ivykaty? I mean, it is pretty widely accepted...

www.csa.gov.uk/en/setup/who-can-use-csa.asp

OP posts:
desperatelyseekingsnoozes · 27/04/2011 21:07

She is a teacher, so full time would be much more than 37.5 hours. Instead she teaches 3 days a week and DH tops up her wage to make up for the fact that she is sacrificing her career for their child.

Original poster
pickyourbrain · 27/04/2011 21:12

How...? I have two very close friends who are teachers.. they do 8 - 5 with the odd evening at home and they get 13 weeks holiday a year i.e. no childcare fees..

I don't buy this 'sacrificing you career for your child nonsense' Not once the kids are at school. DSD is at secondary school, she's barely ever at home with her mum. She has a key and her mum comes and goes as she pleases, dinner is whatever she can find in the fridge and most days she goes shopping or to a friends house after school until 7ish.. Sacrificed her career my backside.

Maybe in your case your partners ex is a great mum and earns every penny but in my case, nah, definitely not.

OP posts:
carriedababi · 27/04/2011 21:12

oh dear op, you sound very insecure and envious of his ex

it sounds to me like hes trying to be a decent dad and do the right thing

i have no idea what the standard rate is for cm but it doesn't sound like hes paying enough to me

i think you need to back down a bit, as if i was him i'dbe pretty pissed off

Original poster
pickyourbrain · 27/04/2011 21:18

not paying enough?! Are you having a laugh.. on what planet does that not sover his DDs costs??

I am insecure, and envious.. that's the point of my post - you havent spotted some chick in my armour I'm not aware of. I am insecure about our relationship because it feels as though he is choosing his ex's feelings over mine. In every other way our relationship is perfect, which is why it bothers me so much - it is the only obstacle to our complete happiness.

I am envious that she gets given money for nothing.

Although, I am not envious of her in the sense that I want what she has. I actually worry about what she will do when DSD grows up and all the benefits stop.. I worry it will mean DSD wont go to university because she will feel she has to support her mum.

You say if you were him you'd be pissed off.. I wonder if he would be pissed of if my ex decided he was only going to work 16 hours a week and I was going to pay him a few hundred quid a month to pay fior him to continue to be able to go out drinking?

OP posts:
Original poster
pickyourbrain · 27/04/2011 21:19

oops chink

OP posts:
desperatelyseekingsnoozes · 27/04/2011 21:20

I teach myself and work long hours in the term time as do most of my colleagues.

SHe did go back to work full time for a year and it was not working out. The school was making cuts and asked for staff who wanted to go part time and we decided it was a good idea. Both my husband and I have worked part time for periods as well for the same reason.

She has sacrificed her career because in she was a head of department when she became pregnant. SHe took 5/6 years out to be at home with her son and then went back part time and gradually worked up to a hod. She has lost years and years of salaries, pension payments and experience. When she went full time she was appointed as a head of facuilty but thought this was too much work and therefore dropped her responsibilty points and went part time. The money we pay has tried to make up for the lost wages. It sounds as if it is different in your case but DSS mum is a very hands on Mum and totally dedicated to her son.

Original poster
pickyourbrain · 27/04/2011 21:21

That explins a lot dss, my dps ex has always said she hates working. She hasnt sacrificed anything, she'd sleep all day if she could.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 27/04/2011 21:23

We may not be able to help you if

a court order instructing the non-resident parent to pay child maintenance was made before April 2003,

that will be why the judge salughtered ex then Grin

it was in your link

desperatelyseekingsnoozes · 27/04/2011 21:23

Pickyourbrain you need to talk to your husband in a calm non accusatory manner and explain how this makes you feel. I remember when I first started seeing my husband I was quite intimidated by DSS's mother even though she was not even a proper ex. I misunderstood their relationship which is very close.

I think my DH would be pissed off if I asked him to go back on an agreement he had made with the mother of his child.

desperatelyseekingsnoozes · 27/04/2011 21:24

pickyourbrain I have to say that given the chance I would like to sleep for much of the day. Grin

carriedababi · 27/04/2011 21:24

500 pounds a month doesn't go far in raising a child imo.

tbh i think he will always feel a stronger sense of loyality towards someone he had a child with and is the mother of his child.

you sound very bitter that she only works 16 hours, maybe you should try it if that would make you happier
and i mean that in a nice waySmile

it must be very ifficult being a single parent, you say you have the dsd when your dp works late and evenings etc, well she doesn't have that level of back up support

hes dd is already 12, so its not going ot be forever
just try to chill and ride with it if i were you

sorry your last question didn't quite make sense, when you said he did you mean she

amberleaf · 27/04/2011 21:25

OP you need to take a chill pill.

I dont think you can do much about it tbh, its the way it is.

Dont let the issue embitter you anymore than it has.

Desperatelyseekingsnoozes you are a breath of fresh air! Smile

Original poster
pickyourbrain · 27/04/2011 21:30

Ah yes, sorry katy I did say that in my response to mrsravelstein above. Not sure what the relevence is of 2003.. must have been some new law or something.

I have tried to talk to him dss, we have a great relationship in every other sense but despite talking openly, this is one thing I just don't 'get' hence my query to other dad's who pay maintenance - I thought I might get some insight but I don't think there are many dad's on here Smile

He does have respect for her as the mother of his child, but unlike your husband's ex - she is not a woman deserving of much respect. She really is horrid to him, and a very bad parent. If she was a good person, I wouldnt have such an issue but the confusion is that he really doesnt like her or respect her beyond the respect she is due as mother of his child and a human being - so why give in to her all the time??

OP posts:
LCarbury · 27/04/2011 21:33

Do you and your DP not have the opportunity to earn more over time? Then c. £500 per month wouldn't seem so important to you, surely? After all, many people pay more than that for after-school care alone, even for secondary school age children.

It's not really about the money, is it, you just want a statement of where his loyalties lie. What if you did get married, would you still feel the same way, do you think?

Original poster
pickyourbrain · 27/04/2011 21:34

carriedabibi, I meant 'him' as in my ex... as in if I was doing for my ex what he does for his..

What are you buying your children that £500 doesnt cover half of it Confused

I could work 16 hours if I wanted to. But why would I, I'd be bored out of my brain.

She does have support, she has a partner who doesnt work (made his money years ago) he ferries DSD around wherever she needs to go and babysits when she goes out of an evening.

It is embittering me amberleaf Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
pickyourbrain · 27/04/2011 21:36

Lcarbury that is exactly it - its not about the money. I don't think I would marry him at the moment. Although set this one aspect aside and I would marry him tomorrow, he is my absolute dream man and I would love to spend the rest of my life with him.

OP posts:
desperatelyseekingsnoozes · 27/04/2011 21:40

Pickyourbrain I have worked 16 hours a week before when my children were younger and certainly was not bored out of my brain. I would love to be a SAHM and not work at all outside of the home and know I would not be bored.

I do think you have to think very carefully when you marry or enter into a relationship with a man who already has children. It is easy to get jealous and resentful. if this relationship is making you bitter maybe it is not a good relationship to be in.

Dinosaurhunter · 27/04/2011 21:43

Hi op I don't think this will help you but as a step parent who thought we pay alot of maintance to my husbands ex I was shocked yesterday when a female friend of mine revealed her divorce settlement to me , which was :
1600 a month for 2 children
the house
and a pension

ivykaty44 · 27/04/2011 21:46

erh - you said 1993 not 2003 that was why I picked up on it knowing what had happend in court and as I said my court order was well after 1993.

The relevance of 2003 was when the CSA put in a new pc system, I had friends that where totally screwed over by that one

amberleaf · 27/04/2011 21:47

pickyourbrain I can imagine it truely is, my EX pays sweet F A so i kind of idolise dads that do the right thing!

I just think you need to pick your battles and i dont think this is one you should pick!

You sound like you have a nice life and a happy relationship....dont let this spoil it or make you feel bad.

Your DH is doing the right thing with good intentions-see the good in that.