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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Re: are you a dad who pays maintenance?

216 replies

pickyourbrain · 27/04/2011 15:07

I posted this on dadsnet and then saw that no one goes on it!! One poster suggested coming over here? Is that ok?

"Do you pay the CSA guidelines? Or less? or More? Why?

If you pay more how would you react to your new partner asking you not to?

Situation is: I am in a very happy relationship. My DP has a DD (12) with his ex wife whom he has been divorced from for 4 years. We met 6 months after. We have lived together for 3 years. We have his DD half of the time and I have a DD who lives with us 10 days out of 14.

We both work full time. He earns a bit more than me.

His ex wife works 16 hours a week in a minimum wage job (through choice, she has been offered promotions and more hours but chooses not to take them) their DD is at secondary school so there is no child-led reason for her lifestyle choice.

He pays twice the reccommended CM amount. I was always fairly happy with this as I thought it showed dedication to his DD which I admire. However, over the years it has become apparent that this money is not spent on the child as she often comes to us when she needs things and DP pays for half of (eg.) school uniform (etc.) as well as the maintenance.

we are getting to the point where it is clear we are in this relationship for the long haul. I am on his pension, growing old together has been discussed and we want to save for the deposit for a house. Marriage not on the cards as such yet however.

So my issue is, although we can manage on what we have - I have an overwhelming feeling that I am being 'mugged' off because I am working really hard (both in my employment and also in actual care for mine and their child) (and being a bloody good girlfriend too! - home cooked meals every night, nookie on tap - ;)) and yet he is handing money over to her every month out of choice rather than either spending on his DD, spending on himself, or using it to save for the future of our family...

Any insight in to why he is (in my mind) choosing his ex over his life here in our home??!!!!

I want to ask him to stop, but I don't want him to think I'm trying to stake some claim on his money. I couldn't care less if he wanted to spend it on spionsoring rhinos to be honest - I just don't want her to be his priority anymore... is that wrong?

(It's not for the benefit of his child as she is here half of the time and has everything she needs. If he paid his ex less she would have to get a proper job, so his DD wouldnt go without)"

OP posts:

allnewtaketwo · 28/04/2011 09:32

mrsravelsteim "also, i have to say, it's the rare marriage where one person is a "a racist, homophobic, bone idle, lier who smacks her child" and the other is a total saint".

There many many hundreds of posters on here as victims of domestic violence of various sorts. Do we assume that the women posting on here are automatically 'not saints' because they were married to these men? That would surely be unhelpful at best?

mrsravelstein · 28/04/2011 09:38

"I am just someone who wants complete happiness, and this isnt making me happy."

i don't think your dp is as unhappy about the state of play as you are. You have said that financially it doesn't have a big impact on you as it's the same amount he has always paid.

If he causes massive ructions with his exw, it is likely to have major repercussions and cause a lot of upset possibly going on for years. Your dp will then be unhappy and probably so will his daughter if her parents are at each other's throats. Do you honestly think this will make you happy and everything will be perfect?

i think you're being totally unrealistic about life, i really do.

mrsravelstein · 28/04/2011 09:39

if the only thing your life requires to be perfectly happy is for your dp to pay £200 less to his exw than he currently does, i'd say you're doing better than 95% of the population.

mrsravelstein · 28/04/2011 09:40

allnew, this isn't a discussion about domestic violence, though, is it?

allnewtaketwo · 28/04/2011 09:42

Well it is insofaras the OP has said that her DP's ex smacks her child. That is violence, is it not? And you are inferring that the OP's DP could not be a saint because he was in a marriage with this woman

allnewtaketwo · 28/04/2011 09:43

I'd be pretty happy with an an extra £2400 tax free a year!

Chandon · 28/04/2011 09:54

OP I think you are being selfish.

and the smacking is a red herring, and has NOTHINg to do with maintenance.(if tehre is a situation of abuse, please deal with it, call the police, SS etc. But it is not connected to how much maintenace she gets)

The XP is entitled to maintenance too you know, her husband could build his career due to HER doing all the boring chores and taking care of the home etc.

Original poster

pickyourbrain · 28/04/2011 10:00

It's not a thread about domestic violence but the behaviours she displays both to him and to others are abusive. I'm sure if I were a woman saying I'd divorced a man who was all of those things people wouldn't jump on and say "wel.. if you married someone like that you probably aren't a saint yourself"

The smacking isnt any relation to the maintenance. I said that in response to people saying I should consider her a member of my family and try to like her.

HE did all the 'chores' she has told me as much, she doesnt like cleaning. He also did the school drop offs as she didnt see any point in both of them getting up when he was getting up to go to work any way. Fair enough she picked the child up from school and had it until 6 when he got home and did the bed time routine and cooked dinner... but that would have cost him what, £12 a day child care.... much less than it cost to keep her.

OP posts:

mrsravelstein · 28/04/2011 10:01

"Well it is insofaras the OP has said that her DP's ex smacks her child. That is violence, is it not? And you are inferring that the OP's DP could not be a saint because he was in a marriage with this woman"

you obviously have your own agenda as regards DV, but this thread isn't about dv, and nor is it about the OP being worried about smacking.

i am not inferring that the dp couldn't be a saint, i'm pointing out that very often when a marriage goes wrong, there is fault on both sides, and that to have such a strong feeling of hatred towards her dp's exw is in itself a problem.

Original poster

pickyourbrain · 28/04/2011 10:01

Yes, yes, selfish is what i am. I want his money all to myself.

despite this fact I have all along suggested he pay the remaining money in to savings, or directly to his DD... yes, selfish money grabbing bitch me.

OP posts:

Original poster

pickyourbrain · 28/04/2011 10:02

There is fault on both sides. His fault for marrying someone like that without getting to know them first. Then for staying in the maariage for years and continuing everyones misery.

Her fault for being a "a racist, homophobic, bone idle, lier who smacks her child"

OP posts:

mrsravelstein · 28/04/2011 10:05

this is all getting bogged down in irrelevance.

it doesn't matter what their marriage was like, or what she's like, because it is irrelevant to the fundamental problem which is that your dp isn't unhappy ENOUGH about the maintenance payments to want to have a fight about it.

if that £200 a month is a deal breaker for you, then that's the end of the relationship, isn't it?

all i'm saying is, if that's the only thing wrong, it seems a pity to dump him over it.

mrsravelstein · 28/04/2011 10:06

who said you were selfish??

allnewtaketwo · 28/04/2011 10:12

mrsravelstein I don't have any agenda - I was pointing out the sillyness of your assumption about one individual's character on the basis of that of he ex-partner. Some people are plain not nice - doesn't mean that anyone they've ever been in a relationship with also isn't nice

Original poster

pickyourbrain · 28/04/2011 10:13

chandon.

Although i suspect she ahsnt read the post properly as it;s quite clear this isnt about me wanting things purely for myself. Its abaout wanting the best for my family (me, dp, dsd and dd) and not wanting another woman jepordising that, and not wanting my dp to allow her to jepodise that.

You are right, this is all irrelevent. I posted on the site to canvass opinions from men who may have made a similar decision to my dp, to try to understand what is going on because he is not forthcoming with why he chooses to continue to do somethinghe says he is unhappy with.

I didnt say it was a deal breaker. It is something that confuses me.

OP posts:

follyfoot · 28/04/2011 10:18

As several of us have said, it doesnt matter what their marriage was like, truly its of no relevance to you in the same way as what she does with the money is of no relevance to you. This will destroy your relationship IF you allow it to.

He is with you now. He chose to be with you. He isnt with her now, but he will always have a connection to her (rightly so) as a co-parent. You maybe need to think whether you can cope with that scenario.

Original poster

pickyourbrain · 28/04/2011 10:22

Thanks, I have had that thought.

How it is of no relevence to me how another woman spends money that comes in to my home? - i just don't understand that.

Im sure it would be of relelvence to my dp if i told him we need to start cutting down because I'm going to give my ex a few hundred quid pocket money each month...

OP posts:

allnewtaketwo · 28/04/2011 10:24

OP I think that's the key element here. People are confusing the money your DP gives to his ex with maintenance. However because it is double the actual maintenance requirement, and he has the child 50% of the time, then it is as you say, the ex's pocket money

mrsravelstein · 28/04/2011 10:25

i don't think you're being money grabbing, or a bitch, or selfish.

and as this unfolds, it seems to me that it really isn't about the money at all. i suspect (if you'll forgive me for being presumptious, i am honestly trying to help) you'll still be unhappy even if he reduces the payments, because you are unhappy about the very fact of the existence of his horrible exw and that he has to have anything to do with her at all.

but she IS a fact, and she IS always going to be in your life to some degree, even when dsd is grown up.

so you either have to try to get past that, and focus on all the many positives in your relationship, or i really think you risk driving a wedge between you and your dp over something that he doesn't have the power to change.

follyfoot · 28/04/2011 10:30

What Mrs R said. This isnt really about the money, its about him having a past and to some extent a present and a future with her (hence all the mentions of what a bad person she is). It would be really sad if your relationship was to fail over this, but you do need to sort out your resentment if it isnt going to.

allnewtaketwo · 28/04/2011 10:31

You see, the impression you get from the OP's posts mrsravelstein is not the impression I get at all

And I'm not sure I get all this "she will always be a part of your life" business. DH's ex has no part in my life whatsoever. A major part in DSSs, yes, and the control she exerts over DH's access to them, but that's it. She sees all decisions as being hers, not joint ones etc etc. So really there is no overlap. And insofaras future adult events are concerned (eg gradulation, wedding) these are really only 2 days in life, which hardly constitutes being part of someone's life. Not ideal, no, but the reality of many split family situations.

droopypoppies · 28/04/2011 10:37

I agree it is not in anyone's best interests to harbour feelings of anger and resentment at OP's DP's XP, but perhaps if DP explained why he felt he wanted to contribute so much, explained how long he was intending to do this, and perhaps if the XP did more to support herself then the OP wouldn't feel so agrieved.
Tbh, it's all relative to how much DP is earning, if he's earning £430000 a week, then of course, £580 a month is peanuts, but imo, he sounds like a caring loving father, who does his best for his DD, and if this includes indirectly supporting his XP, then he is clearly prepared to do that.

I think you would feel a little better OP if your DP made his intentions re supporting XP clear.

FWIW, If I was in your situation, I'd sit tight. I'd speak to your DP, and explain that I'd had time to reflect on the CM situation and agreed that until DSD is 18, it is a good idea to continue supporting her via her mother. (Paying her mother the CM I mean) but obviously after 18, if DSD needed financial assistance, she could be paid directly.
What do you think your DP would say to that?

If as you suspect, DP's XP is relying on the CM to support herself, then she's going to have to think ahead. Like the few mothers who do rely heavily on child maintenance to support themselves as well as their DC, all good things come to an end, and FWIW, I'd sit tight and count down the days until you can pay DSD direct for anything she needs.

It wont be easy for DP's XP to lose a considerable chunk of her income when DSD turns 18, but a wise woman in that situation would think ahead. She has got 6 years realistically to retrain/go into further education/possibly save some money. If she does none of these, well, your DP isn't responsible for her until he retires she'll end up in a position I wouldn't choose to be in.

The most important thing is that during the next 6 years, your relationship with DSD remains as good as it is now. A 12 year old can feel very torn between her parents if the situation is acrimonious, an 18 year old is a little older and a little wiser, and I hope your DSD will see when she is 18 that her daddy was always always there for her, even when it was difficult and caused him problems.

6 years will fly by, but the effect on DSD of knowing her daddy was always there. looking out for her while she was growing up will last forever.

Sorry to have rambled on so much, I think I would find your situation very difficult too, but it's not for long. (I hope DP's XP has thought of this )

amberleaf · 28/04/2011 10:38

I agree.

ScroobiousPip · 28/04/2011 10:42

'People are confusing the money your DP gives to his ex with maintenance. However because it is double the actual maintenance requirement, and he has the child 50% of the time, then it is as you say, the ex's pocket money'

Sorry, this is wrong allnew. The CSA rate is a minimum rate set by government. It is still open to the parties to negotiate a higher rate if they prefer. Clearly this is what pickyourbrain's ex-H did. And he is to be commended for sticking to that arrangement.

Pickyourbrains, I think you need to accept that this is a matter that was arranged long before you came onto the scene and that it would not be appropriate for your DH to renegotiate now. It really isn't your business - however much you would like it to be - how your DSD's mother spends her money. You need to stop seeing it as your money - it isn't.

droopypoppies · 28/04/2011 10:43

Also I agree with Allnewtaketwo

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