Re: are you a dad who pays maintenance?

[pickyourbrain]

I posted this on dadsnet and then saw that no one goes on it!! One poster suggested coming over here? Is that ok?

"Do you pay the CSA guidelines? Or less? or More? Why?

If you pay more how would you react to your new partner asking you not to?

Situation is: I am in a very happy relationship. My DP has a DD (12) with his ex wife whom he has been divorced from for 4 years. We met 6 months after. We have lived together for 3 years. We have his DD half of the time and I have a DD who lives with us 10 days out of 14.

We both work full time. He earns a bit more than me.

His ex wife works 16 hours a week in a minimum wage job (through choice, she has been offered promotions and more hours but chooses not to take them) their DD is at secondary school so there is no child-led reason for her lifestyle choice.

He pays twice the reccommended CM amount. I was always fairly happy with this as I thought it showed dedication to his DD which I admire. However, over the years it has become apparent that this money is not spent on the child as she often comes to us when she needs things and DP pays for half of (eg.) school uniform (etc.) as well as the maintenance.

we are getting to the point where it is clear we are in this relationship for the long haul. I am on his pension, growing old together has been discussed and we want to save for the deposit for a house. Marriage not on the cards as such yet however.

So my issue is, although we can manage on what we have - I have an overwhelming feeling that I am being 'mugged' off because I am working really hard (both in my employment and also in actual care for mine and their child) (and being a bloody good girlfriend too! - home cooked meals every night, nookie on tap - ;)) and yet he is handing money over to her every month out of choice rather than either spending on his DD, spending on himself, or using it to save for the future of our family...

Any insight in to why he is (in my mind) choosing his ex over his life here in our home??!!!!

I want to ask him to stop, but I don't want him to think I'm trying to stake some claim on his money. I couldn't care less if he wanted to spend it on spionsoring rhinos to be honest - I just don't want her to be his priority anymore... is that wrong?

(It's not for the benefit of his child as she is here half of the time and has everything she needs. If he paid his ex less she would have to get a proper job, so his DD wouldnt go without)"

Pickyourbrain - I dont understand why you think it's really important for his ex to support herself while you're moaning that you and your DC wont get a big enough share of his income. I wonder how you know so much about his ex's finances if you despise her so much too.

Honestly he really shouldnt change the agreement just because his GF doesnt like it is jealous its a slippery slope when you start issuing ultimatums so id advise you not to go there.

Your feelings are irrational...you do need to find a way past how you currently feel or you will totally fuck up your relationship.

Your DP is a good guy...dont stand in the way of that by demanding he do what you want him to do.

Thing is though pyb, you cant expect someone else's behaviour to cease just because you want it to. Relationships cant be like that in every aspect can they? You know you are being irrational about his ex-wife, you've said so. My DH's XW is a very difficult woman, I could give you many examples of awful things she has done to him and the children, but I learnt from my DH to step back from her behaviour and not engage with it in any way -including remotely, by going on about it to him. As he always says 'she's just a person I have to deal with'. And its the same for your partner, he has to deal with her. He has chosen, because he is a thoroughly decent bloke, to pay generous maintenance. Learn to live with that and accept its part of being with a good person, and thats actually part of what makes you love him so much.

Your bloke chose her, however wrong that turned out to be. At one stage they cared about each other and had a child together. Thats a permanent unchangeable fact. He doesnt need you to tell him he was a pillock for being with her or what a terrible person she is. It doesnt help his and your relationship, even though it might make you feel better at the time because it would (for a moment) make you feel secure that he loves you more than he loved her (which is what I'm guessing is the root of the whole issue).

He does love you, he has chosen to be with you and is not with her. And its his love for you and your love for him that you should be expending all your energy on right now. Every time you start thinking about the XW, maybe you could consciously choose to think about something else instead and remember what matters between you two is your own relationship, otherwise truly, you are going to destroy it. And that would be terribly sad for you and him. Remember 'she is just a person he has to deal with'. And leave it at that.

well said, follyfoot

ballstoit I know about her finances because she told me everything about them.

I wish the people who commented at the start of this thread would come back

I shall just put on a dumb grin and nod my head every time he complains to me about how he disagrees with supporting his ex and how awful she is to him and DSD. I shant question him on why, if that is the case, he continues to do it. I'll contnue to ferry my DSD around, cook for her, help with her home work, take her shopping for clothes, listen to her crying on the phone because she's been left alone in the house again at night, and when my dp tells me we can't go out for dinner at the end of a 50 hour work week because we have to tighten our belts, and then watch him pay for her to go out drinking. And I shall be greteful for it all because after all, I knew what I was getting in to. And lets face it, once you reach my age any man who will be interested in me will have baggage and so I will accept that I will always come atthe very end of the food chain.

You've already said its not about the money pyb so c'mon, maybe listen to a bit of the counsel others have offered and try not to be consumed by this.

You might even find that once you lay off the ex a bit, your chap decides to do something about it for himself (my DH is a bit like that).

I have tried to listen I really have but I have been trying to deal with this for years now and have felt the same way. I appreciate the advice but I'm not going to just get over it i'm afriad. I wish I could.

well that's your answer then isn't it? if you can't get over it, and he won't do what you want, then you have no choice than to end the relationship and find someone else who is perfect. at least you worked it out before you got married to him, had a child with him etc, and this way you won't have another 6 years of getting more and more bitter and ending up hating him for it.

Lots of times on here people know there isn't an answer and just need somewhere to let it out. I feel for you PYB because I feel the same. I'm not going to end my relationship becasuse I love my DH. No-ones situation is ideal - we all have stuff to deal with. sometimes we just need to share it with people we think may understand.

If his dd is with you half the time I don't see why you pay maintenance anyway!
We have my dsd half the time, dp is a sahd and I work. We have 2 dc together and I have 2 from my marriage. Dp and his exw share all costs and noone pays anyone maintenance...his ex does work f/t though.

How is that the answer? My question was why does he do this...? Not should I stay with him or leave...

I'm not having any more children so no worries about that. And I wouldnt marry him while he is supporting his ex so no worries there either.

Thanks glasscb. And thanks mrsraven, I might not agree with you but I appreciate your help.

pumpster, I think thats the differnece, if the RP works and can support themself they dont seem to want support from their ex. Its when they cant be aresed to work that they expect someone who doesnt even like them to pay for them. I think it shows and incredible lack of self respect.

pickyourbrain,

I feel for you, I really do. I've been a single Mum who didn't get a penny from my ex and I still don't despise him. I'm also a step Mum with someone who pays over and above what he needs to while his ex wife doesnt' work at all and I work full time.

I too listen to DP bitch and moan about his ex, but he is the one enabling her to not work. He won't not pay for everything because he knows she won't pay for it and as a man earning a reasonable wage, he doesn't want his kids to go without. Effectively he is supporting her, while I am here supporting myself, my DS and his kids too.

I don't know if I can get through it, but the only way I think I can is by keeping my life a little bit seperate, not really integrating as a family because I don't feel I am part of his family, keeping my finances seperate so I won't see just how much gets spent on keeping his ex wife in a nice lifestyle just because she happens to be the one who gave birth to his children.

You have my sympathy and understanding.

I am a LP and I feel sorry for you in that you seem consumed by your feelings for his ex. You need to deal with this if you are going to ever be truly happy. At the moment you sound like someone drinking a bottle of poison every day and expecting the other person to die.

I have seen the other side of this. My ex has a new wife who has made every effort to get him to reduce his child suport since they married. He now pays 1/3 less than he did as she also has kids and I am expected just to make up the resultant hole in my finances. We both work full time and his contribution doesnt even cover childcare costs that enable me to do my job whilst looking after our children. They have far more income than me. But she is the one who is bitter and it is slowly poisoning his relationship with his kids as they are old enough to see what is happening.

On the other hand we have far less income, but are all really happy. You choose your own mindset. Its something only you can control

Hi OP, I do think you are very honest with yourself, and that is always good.

I think he is supporting his Ex as well as the child, because he thinks that is fair. That is what the law thinks as well. After all, if she stayed at home to look after children and home, so he could go and pursue his career, he was only able to do that because SHE did the boring stuff at home. And therefore, whatever he earned (and earns) is partly hers IYSWIM?

Also, if YOU are able to support yourself financially, your DP allocating cash to his old family should be nothing to with you. it's HIS money, not yours, right?

Also, by paying a decent sum, he shows to be a very decent kind sort of man. And that is probably one of things you really like about him, right?

Chandon I just wrote a post in reply to yours, but for some inexplicable reason, it has vanished.

Briefly, the law rarely orders spousal maintenance to continue for years and years and years. Child maintenance is paid until the DC finish non advanced education.
Your post makes it sound like OP's DP is financially responsible for the rest of his XP's life?? This is ludicrous tbh. The OP's DP has no financial responsibility to his XW, only to his DD, and he is paying maintenance for his DD.
If he had no DC with his XW, he wouldn't be paying her anything. The fact that she may have stayed home to raise the DC while he worked does not automatically entitle her to a portion of his income for X amount of years? People's circumstances change, and ex wives quite often have to go out to work to support themselves, especially after a divorce. Where has the OP said there is a spousal maintenance order?

Why are his present earnings partly his XW's, yet his current partner who lives in the same house as him, and shares the bills with him, apparently gets no say whatsoever in what he spends his money on???

The money a couple generates imho belongs to them both. OP hasn't said she has any problem at all with DP paying maintenance for his DD, just that she doesn't agree that DP should inadvertently be supporting his XW.
There does come a point when XW's have to stand on their own 2 feet, and that day will come. When OP's DP's DD finishes non advanced education, OP's DP will have no financial responsibility to his XW at all.
Should he carry on paying her because she relies on that money?

Thanks droopy I'm pleased you responded to that so i didnt have to repeat myself for the 100th time

Chandon, I have responded to the idea that his ex selflessly dedicated herself and abandoned her 'career' in favour of him advancing hers. This is not what happened. See: HE did all the 'chores' she has told me as much, she doesnt like cleaning. He also did the school drop offs as she didnt see any point in both of them getting up when he was getting up to go to work any way. Fair enough she picked the child up from school and had it until 6 when he got home and did the bed time routine and cooked dinner... but that would have cost him what, £12 a day child care.... much less than it cost to keep her

So what we see is 3 hours child care from her, 5 days a week.. Hardly deserving of a wage is it? And thats not what he told me, its what she has told me.

Pickyourbrain you sound very bitter and if what you say is true your partner sounds like a complete doormat. A dangerous combination.

It would ring huge alarm bells for me if my DH spoke about the mother of his child in such bitter tones. I woudl either question his judgement if he married someone he loathed and then went on to have children in that situation.

Second marraiges statistically have a reasonable chance of breakdown. I think it is therefore important to look at how our husbands are partners treat and talk about previous partners and wives, that may be our future.

desperatelyseekingsnoozes Where does OP say DP has spoken of his XW in bitter tones? Maybe I missed that bit?

He didnt for well over a year, only spoke of her very respectfuly and even now he speaks of facts rather than opinions when refferring to her.
He seems to only be a doormat when it comes to her, which is part of what makes up my original question about why he does what he does in realtion to her. In every other aspect of his life he is very assertive.

It is a good question but obviously when my children are adults and able to fend for themselves, I will then feel in a better position to be able to work more hours and earn more money with little or no impact on their lives. I may not be much better off but hopefully my exh will be able to directly help the children out on occasions I can't, without thinking he is funding my life in anyway, which I'm sure is the belief from most exp's and their partners.

I want to thank all those on here that support the fact:

• that it's damned hard work being a single parent on your own (you wont appreciate that unless you've experienced it)

• the money that goes to the exp, and say how important it is for monies to help provide a safe happy loving home etc. Unfortunately it's not just about spending maintenance on 'niceties' for the children even if we'd love to do just that. Most of us aren't in a position too and it has to go towards just living and surviving.

There will be people that abuse this but like I said, sometimes just to stay sane, I too need a treat (does this come out of his money or mine? It's all the same income - if the children want/need anything they have it if I can afford it and the same for me).

I don't think it's up to you to decide what your partner does or doesn't pay towards his children, it's up to him. This is obviously bothering you and will put pressure on your relationship and the relationship with his exw which is something no-one enjoys and will end up affecting those most important here - the Children!

A, I HAVE been a single parent. DP's ex has his DD half of the time and lives with her boyfriend which makes his ex no more of a single parent than him.

B, Again, I KNOW what it is to support a child... two in fact (one being someone else's) and that £580 a month will pay for much more than 'niceties'

C, I think the CHILD is in far more danger of being at risk because it's mother can't be arsed to work or bother to be at home when their child is at home than by my partner paying his child maintenance and no more.

most people desreve a treat but if YOU CAN'T BE ARSED TO WORK then you do not. Giving birth once in the 90s does not entitle you to a life supported by someone else.

Just caught up on this and wanted to say thank you redhen.

I apologise I thought that her husband/partner spoke of the ex in bitter terms, it seems I was wrong and the OP has decided for herself to hate the mother of her step children. I am not sure that is any better.