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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Re: are you a dad who pays maintenance?

216 replies

pickyourbrain · 27/04/2011 15:07

I posted this on dadsnet and then saw that no one goes on it!! One poster suggested coming over here? Is that ok?

"Do you pay the CSA guidelines? Or less? or More? Why?

If you pay more how would you react to your new partner asking you not to?

Situation is: I am in a very happy relationship. My DP has a DD (12) with his ex wife whom he has been divorced from for 4 years. We met 6 months after. We have lived together for 3 years. We have his DD half of the time and I have a DD who lives with us 10 days out of 14.

We both work full time. He earns a bit more than me.

His ex wife works 16 hours a week in a minimum wage job (through choice, she has been offered promotions and more hours but chooses not to take them) their DD is at secondary school so there is no child-led reason for her lifestyle choice.

He pays twice the reccommended CM amount. I was always fairly happy with this as I thought it showed dedication to his DD which I admire. However, over the years it has become apparent that this money is not spent on the child as she often comes to us when she needs things and DP pays for half of (eg.) school uniform (etc.) as well as the maintenance.

we are getting to the point where it is clear we are in this relationship for the long haul. I am on his pension, growing old together has been discussed and we want to save for the deposit for a house. Marriage not on the cards as such yet however.

So my issue is, although we can manage on what we have - I have an overwhelming feeling that I am being 'mugged' off because I am working really hard (both in my employment and also in actual care for mine and their child) (and being a bloody good girlfriend too! - home cooked meals every night, nookie on tap - ;)) and yet he is handing money over to her every month out of choice rather than either spending on his DD, spending on himself, or using it to save for the future of our family...

Any insight in to why he is (in my mind) choosing his ex over his life here in our home??!!!!

I want to ask him to stop, but I don't want him to think I'm trying to stake some claim on his money. I couldn't care less if he wanted to spend it on spionsoring rhinos to be honest - I just don't want her to be his priority anymore... is that wrong?

(It's not for the benefit of his child as she is here half of the time and has everything she needs. If he paid his ex less she would have to get a proper job, so his DD wouldnt go without)"

OP posts:
Original poster
pickyourbrain · 29/04/2011 21:12

He didnt speak of her in a bad way or discuss her at all for over a year. Slowly I started to make my own mind up based on evidenced I saw bur didnt speak of it.
Then we were at a family party where his family were discussing various awful things she had done and the two of us looked at each other like finally we had been given permission to talk about the things that had been frustrating us. It was a relief on both parts as he had felt a loyalty to her as mother of his child and I felt I didnt want to question that.
However when faced with the facts about her behaviour it was clear that we both shared values she didnt have.

Then, she and I hasd many conversations (well, on esoded as I didnt talk much) and everything I thought was confirmed) after that he felt free to tell me things she had said and done. It wasn't bitchy or disrespectul because it wasnt, and never has been, objective. It is, "she has asked me for £30 for DD's school trip, I don't want to give it to her as I have already paid her £580 this month"
But then he will give her the money any way. So he is lipservicing one of us isn't he?

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Original poster
pickyourbrain · 29/04/2011 21:15

dss you you enjoy the company of people who tell you that gay people spread aids and 'blacks' are stupid? That women who go to work and don't stay with their kids are heartless and people that live in council houses are scum?
If they were the parent of your step child would you over look all of that and be happy to support them to sit on their arse all day?

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allnewtaketwo · 29/04/2011 22:27

desperatelyseeking - as human beings, we form judgements of people we know, or know of (and sometimes people we don't know anything about), each and every day. Is that human condition supposed to give way in the specific, special circumstances of someone's ex-partner? How odd.

And by the very fact that she is an ex, then unless in pretty rare circumstances, it will be to do with the fact of having a problem with her in some way. It would be very odd, as a human being, to have had very negative experiences with someone and then never again refer to that person in a negative way. Unless you're a saint of course, which none of us are (even you I assume)

desperatelyseekingsnoozes · 29/04/2011 22:30

I cannot imagine myself to be with someone who was once married to a women who said such things. I , therefore, would not be in that situation.

Of course people can form judgements but the OP has taken it to the extreme. If I had spoken about the mother of DH;s child in the way that the OP talks about the mother of her stepchildren I am sure my DH would have told me to take a hike. In a similar manner I woudl not want my husband to speak of my ex husband in that manner.

Original poster
pickyourbrain · 30/04/2011 09:23

Not sure where I said I had spoken like that to my partner about her like that? This is an anonomous forum.. Your husband obviously has a lot of respect and affection for his ex if he would 'tell you to take a hike' in her honour.

She didnt say those things until after they were married. He was young and greiving when they married a couple of month safter they met.

I can't help thinking if he were the woman and she were then man it would be a lot more widely accepted that he had been duped and that his partner turned out to be a complete and utter cock after the wedding.

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Truckstop · 30/04/2011 09:37

First rule of Mumsnet do not criticize a mum, especially if you are a (potential) step-mum.

Chandon · 30/04/2011 10:23

I guess you are right droopypoppies. I guess things have changed and I am not up to speed on this.

desperatelyseekingsnoozes · 30/04/2011 10:31

I apologise again, you are just silently seething to yourself about the mother of your stepchild.

My husband does have a lot of affection for the mother of his child, she is not really an ex. That is one of the things I love about him. I also feel the same way about my ex husband, it has not always been like that but I think most of us get there in the end.

My ex husband was a cock after our wedding, however so was I , it usually takes two to tango. I also accept I was an utter idiot to marry him.

desperatelyseekingsnoozes · 30/04/2011 10:37

Truckstop there is a different between criticising and having absolutely nothing positive to say.

Original poster
pickyourbrain · 30/04/2011 10:38

truckstop, yes, because having a child and being a woman means you are able to do no wrong... unless you then become a step mum as well and suddenly you can do nothing but wrong.

dss, I think that you are applying way to many comparrisons to your own situation and some how trying to prove that i am wrong to feel and act the way i do because you don't feel like that in your situation. If my DP had never had a proper relationship with his ex, and she was a perfectly normal person and a good mother... i suspect I would feel very differently...

He was an utter idiot to marry her. And he was a rubbish husband to her because he didnt like her. Maybe he feels guilty for that and that is why he continues to support her financially... That's the kind of answer I would like from him but don't get, hence my canvassing for opinions from men who have made similar choices.

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Original poster
pickyourbrain · 30/04/2011 10:41

dss: Have I missed something? Do you know my Dp's ex? It seems you are utterly certain that she has good qualities and is undeserving of my dislike and diapproval... I have met her you know... for the first year I was with DP she and I were pretty close. I would have no motive to come to an anon forum and make things up about her. The things I say are true and have happened. Why is it so hard to beleive that she is a nasty piece of work?

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Ishani · 30/04/2011 10:47

Ok How old is the child, if there's less than 5 years to go with this ie she's 11 or over I would put up and shut up rather than kick off world war three.

My ex was massively under paying and I gave him every opportunity to change that situation and the money was being spent directly on the child but oh no he wanted to fight and has now paid over £10k in legal fees and we aren't even at court yet.
I get my fees paid via legal aid as will your partners ex, if you have to pay for solicitors as you both work I would keep the status quo, really.

desperatelyseekingsnoozes · 30/04/2011 10:48

I find it hard to believe that someone has no redeeming qualities, especially if there wasa year when you were close. If she is utter evil I find it hard to believe that your DP is a good egg. It is also not idea to be in a relationship where you harbour such negative feelings about someone who is a non negotiable huge part in your partner's life.

I am a stepmum myself so I hardly think they can do nothing but wrong.

I have been in a relationship where I had real problems with the person's ex and I recognised it wasmy problem and I walked away, as much for my own sanity and theirs.

It is a forum and you asked for opinions, I stand by the fact that I think you are wrong to ask your dp to go back on an agreement with the mother of his child, especially when I suspect it is fuelled by such negative feelings.

I do not hate stepmums, I am one and I recognise that it is a difficult job. My own daughter has a stepmother and we are both incredibly lucky that she is such a warm caring person.

Original poster
pickyourbrain · 30/04/2011 10:53

I asked if there were any men who made decisions like my dp and if so, why.

She isn't a huge part in my partners life. He gives her money every month. We don't see her. She isnt welcome in our home.

Im just pooping over to the relationships boards to tell all the dv victims that I find it hard to beleive they are good eggs when their partners are so evil.

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Original poster
pickyourbrain · 30/04/2011 10:54

ishani, I think that is the route I will go down. Thanks for the non emotive and grounded response.

OP posts:
desperatelyseekingsnoozes · 30/04/2011 10:59

I was a victim of dv for years pickyourbrain from my ex husband. I am very aware of the dynamics of that kind of relationship, infact your post sent a shudder of cold down my spine as I remembered what that was like. Was your husband a victim of domestic violence, that is not something you have said above.

I am going to walk away now from this thread, I purposely stay away from dv threads as they upset me and I am getting shaky now.

I do however sincerely hope that you, your partner and the mother of your stepchild find some peace and acceptance, it will make all of your lives easier.

Original poster
pickyourbrain · 30/04/2011 13:42

No he wasn't but from what I have said on here about his ex wife it is clear that she is a nasty person and you seem to think that makes my dp a nasty person by proxy.

It doesnt. Just the same as having a husband who is nasty doesnt make the wife a nasty person. Its bizarre reasoning that I would think someone who had themself had a horrid partner wouldn't come up with.

OP posts:
ChaoticAngelQueenofAnarchy · 30/04/2011 14:41

Maybe your DP won't reduce what he pays to his ex because he knows that if he did she would start WW3. This would have a detrimental effect on his DD's happiness and her happiness is more important than the money to him.

Original poster
pickyourbrain · 30/04/2011 19:43

You are probably right chaotic

OP posts:
droopypoppies · 30/04/2011 20:46

Couldn't have put it better myself Chaotic Grin

As for the other recent posts Biscuit

Original poster
pickyourbrain · 01/05/2011 10:14

sorry droopypoppies, I don't know if the Biscuit was for me but I havent meant to offend anyone. dss was somehow managing to push my buttons! Thanks for all the advice.

OP posts:
droopypoppies · 02/05/2011 12:49

pyb The Biscuit was not meant for you. It was the only response I could think of for desperatelyseekingsnoozes.

I think your feelings are valid, and I was annoyed that desperatelyseekingsnoozes appeared to use her DV history to basically 'shut you up'.

'If she is utter evil I find it hard to believe that your DP is a good egg.'

This is an outrageous thing to say, and even more shocking to come from someone who has been in a DV relationship!! Shock
Yet when you picked up on that, desperatelyseekingsnoozes couldn't back it up, just claimed she was almost reliving the horrors of DV from what you had said.

Very manipulative way of exiting the thread imvho.

Original poster
pickyourbrain · 02/05/2011 18:16

Oh, I see. I agree. Thanks Smile

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Smum99 · 02/05/2011 21:14

Pickyourbrian, well done for holding your own on this thread. It is bizarre that the assumption is your dp must been awful if he was with someone who was also unpleasant.

Some people marry difficult people - it really does happen. What about those people who have personality disorder? are they all single?

Original poster
pickyourbrain · 02/05/2011 22:17

I know, right. They don't wear T shirts warning people they're nuts Grin and dp wouldnt be the first person to marry quickly and regret it.

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