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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

I'm Throwing In The Towel

98 replies

FruitAndNutcase · 20/09/2005 10:40

I've had enough, I cant take anymore of this relationship. I love DP so much, but it isn't ever going to work. I have dedicated the last 3 years to him and his kids, his ex, his hobbys, his passions, his wants, his needs and I have nothing more to give!

I feel totally empty inside, I dont have a life of my own anymore, my life is him and his. We cannot go a day without arguing anymore. He cannot see anything that I say. He says I am being argumentative and picking on him for no reason. He is probably right, every little thing now is annoying me or upsetting me because I am so low and unhappy.

Last night we had a huge row because he wanted to watch Moto GP on TV. Nothing wrong in that you may think, and you are probably totally right, but his main love/passion is motorbikes and all his/our life is dedicated to motorbikes/his life in the military/and his kids - in that order! I dont mind him doing the things he loves, I encourage him to have his interest, but when I get home from work and I dont even get asked what I want to watch and his Moto GP is already on the timer on sky, I get a little p**sed off! How much more has got to be about him and what he wants or needs? He even sits and watches it when we have the kids, and despite them moaning and saying they hate it, he still carries on watching it and ignoring them!

We cannot afford for me to do any of the things I would like to do or want to buy! When I say I would love a new mobile phone, oh no we cant afford that - then the next day he goes out and spends £200 on something for his bike, because it will increase the performance of it!!!!!!

We couldnt afford to have a week away on our own this year, yet we spent £700 on a week in a caravan with the kids and then he comes home and buys a new set of tyres for his bike - another £150! I have come to the conclusion that I would actually be really well off if it wasnt for his kids and his expensive hobby! This weekend is the first proper weekend we have had off on our own without the kids for 5 weeks and I was looking forward to not having to drive half way around the country. Now though he wants to go to Superbikes on Sunday which is about 2 hours drive away and will cost over £120 with petrol and entrance fee........ no consideration at all!

I have put up with this now for 3 years, and I just cant take it anymore. Everything is on his terms, what he wants, what he likes and I have always put up with it, because my main priority in life is to make the people I love happy! But it is taking the p**s. I have to wait until its convenient for him to get married, wait until he says its better for his kids, to have a baby, spend a fortune on his kids once a month (not including CSA), put up with his obsession of motorbikes, put up with his constant remeniscing about the best days of his life - No not when his children were born but when he was in the army/RAF. I dont feel like I have anything in common with him, I dont ride bikes, I have never been in the military, I dont have kids........ What have I got to share with him?

I'm so unhappy, I can see no other option to leave even though I cannot imagine life without him. He never shouts at me, hurts me, calls me names, mistreats me - he tells me he loves me most days - so why do I feel so crap?

OP posts:

Original poster

FruitAndNutcase · 20/09/2005 15:48

No dont say that Ninah, your advice is always appreciated! Honest!

OP posts:

Original poster

FruitAndNutcase · 20/09/2005 15:54

I've got to go now as Im at home (came home with a migraine) and DP will be home in a minute. Please keep posting your advices and I will catch up with you all again tomorrow. Thank you so much x

OP posts:

ninah · 20/09/2005 15:54

well I haven't actually gone yet fandn! but the worm is turning iykwim.
I am not sure you are who I thought after all, now! maybe it's a bad patch. You are planning children, so just be as sure as you can that he is the one for you
I'd find the bikes and military really hard to take!
I'm 38 ...

mommie · 20/09/2005 15:55

F&N - you need to scoot up the priority list and FAST. I was in a similar sitation once. I did not choose to end it, but my goodness, I was happier when it was finished. I am not saying you should end yours (heaven forbid) but you should have your baby in YOUR time and you must come first with yr partner. When that happens, everything will be better.

mommie · 20/09/2005 15:58

don't want to hammer the point, and you ARE young, but delaying a family is a very bad idea. i went thru hell and back trying to have a baby after dithering. (well i didn't dither, he did)

ninah · 20/09/2005 15:59

so is having one with the wrong dad, though

otto · 20/09/2005 16:07

How will a baby fit into your already stressful life? Will you be left at home while your dp drives around the country visiting his kids? Do you think that you might end up feeling that your baby is low priority too? I feel that sometimes and my situation is no where near as complicated as your own. Dp doesn't make me feel that way, but bm does and I suspect this could easily happen to you.

NotActuallyAMum · 20/09/2005 16:09

FANC do keep posting and let us know how you are, and don't forget I'm around on Sunday (afternoon) if you need me - I'm less than half an hour away from Superbikes and would be happy to pop over and see you

Remember - everyone deserves to be happy. Yes we all have times in our lives when we're not but for most people the good times outweigh the bad ones, I don't think that's the case for you - I don't think it ever has been during the last 3 years - and deserve better than that

Ninah - FANC is who you think she is

ninah · 20/09/2005 16:12

NAAM in that case please give her my love and tell her I agree with you!

mommie · 20/09/2005 16:22

ninah - wasn't suggesting she had a baby with the wrong man, but that she had a baby with the right man (according to her definition) in the not too distant future.

mommie · 20/09/2005 16:24

sorry F&N for referring to you as if you are out of the room!

ninah · 20/09/2005 16:26

Yes, agree! that's the million dollar question!

Tortington · 21/09/2005 00:54

sorry to paraphrase - but i have picked up on this

he wont have more children with you becuase his ex says so

he spends money on things for him - but you dont - on this point - why dont you go out and spend the equiv on something equally important like oh i dunno - a new dress to go out in. have you access to money?

you dont want a trail seperation with him becuase your scared he will run off withs someone else

but you want a baby with this man who you dont trust to be alone for 4 weeks or trust with money who has an ex who influences the use of your womb.

also this is in step parenting thread - when sounds like a relationship problem - and it doesnt sound like you have partic bonded to step kids - from your posts that is.

it doesnt look good

pinotgrigio · 21/09/2005 02:03

F&N,

You poor thing. Having a relationship with a man who's been married is a nightmare, TBH.

You need to have a good think about what you really want. Are you sure he will marry you and have more children? Once the children are 8/9 will he really want to go back to having a newborn & toddler? If he's so selfish now will he help you if you have your own child? Will it always be you left on your own with the sleepless nights and getting up with the baby at 5am while he goes off to a bike event?

I ask all this because I've been there. I'm still not married nearly 10 years later, I still don't have the children I want. I spent all this time putting him and his children (who I adore TBH) first. But where was MY life?

I decided enough was enough and started to put ME first - so he had an affair because he felt neglected.

I'm not trying to turn this into a 'me' post, but just trying to show you how my DP was the same - and didn't change. I think I've wasted 10 years of my life, always waiting - waiting for his kids to grow up, waiting for the CSA to end, waiting for a holiday with just the two of us, waiting so we don't have to live near their mum in London and can move abroad. Sound familiar?

He does sound like he has some very good points too, but just the fact that he is divorced with children means that some things just can't change. You will always have his childrens BM in the picture - she will always have less money than you and she will always appear to be a vindictive old bag to you. You will have another 10 years of his children at weekends and half of their summer holidays, a miserable partner at Christmas when he doesn't have the kids, and no new years eve parties when you do.

You sound like a lovely person. You deserve a happy relationship and somebody who appreciates the fact that you are putting them first. I hope you can work this out with DP, I really do.

Original poster

FruitAndNutcase · 21/09/2005 08:31

Thank you all so much for your messages.

Ninah - Thank you so much, I do remember you and we have chatted a few times before.

Otto - I think you are right and I know you have been in a similar situation. I don't believe that DP will put our baby at low priority though. He is a very very good loving dad and I do believe he is forced to say and do the things he does sometimes due to his ex. She is very manipulative and has a constant rope around his neck with the kids. However, hopefully now that our solicitor has told her solcitor that she must not talk to us anymore unless a dire emergency that may change.

Thanks NAAM for your kind words and constant support - I know you have been through all of this with me from the start so you really understand my situation. x

Custardo - thank you for your comments. When I see it in bullet points like that it makes him seem like a real ogre - perhaps I have made him seem worse than he is. Perhaps it is me just feeling sensitive at the moment and over reacting!

Pinotgrigio - DP was never married to the mother of his kids, however we are planning to get married next year and start planning for a baby, whichever comes first IYSWIM! - I think the main issue is that I am too soft, always have been. I dont like to upset people or hurt people and I end up getting taken advantage of a little. Im not saying DP is like that, hes not malicious and would never hurt me, but Im so busy pleasing everyone else that I forget to mention what I would like, what would please me. I assume that everyone else will just instinctively know what I want! I guess I must try and realise that not everyone is the same? I am starting to put my foot down, he knows that we need more time on our own together, he knows that we need to spend New Years Eve together which is why he has said no to BM.

Perhaps this was all just a case of me feeling sorry for myself? Thanks for all your messages, please keep posting and advising me x

OP posts:

Original poster

FruitAndNutcase · 21/09/2005 08:47

Custardo - Meant to add, this is on the step parenting thread as I do believe we wouldnt have the problems we have if it wasnt for his kids and ex. I have a very good relationship with DP's kids, even though they are not always buddy or nice with me. I treat them like they are my own. When we went to see eldest boy 17 the other weekend at the army base he has recently joined, I felt so proud of him, probably prouder than his mum feels about him as she didnt even turn up to the PARENTS day! I know that younger kids are only the way they are with me because of BM. When they have been with us for a week or so they totally change and are lovely towards me, its only when we first have them that they have attitude. I wont give up, I love them and I am quite aware of the fact that none of this sorry situation is the kids fault, I would never take it out on them.

OP posts:

ninah · 21/09/2005 08:55

I was thinking about you at breakfast FaN! don't be afraid to do more for yourself. you sound so down atm.

Original poster

FruitAndNutcase · 21/09/2005 09:14

Thanks Ninah - I think I am really down at mo. Im probably blowing a lot of things out of preportion because I am so down. I just dont seem to have anything to look forward to at the moment, I feel so unhappy, yet I still love DP so much and want to spend the rest of my life with him. How can I be so discontented?

OP posts:

NotActuallyAMum · 21/09/2005 09:24

FANC you seem to be a bit more positive today which is good

Still worried for you though - you seem to put so much into this relationship and get so little out. Is this really how you want to live your life? Sorry to be so negative but I really do think you need to ask yourself this

I think you're being a bit hard on yourself saying that you were feeling sorry for yourself - I disagree, I think you were just being honest

Hope you're OK, thinking about you {{{hugs}}}

ninah · 21/09/2005 09:27

agree with those who say love sometimes isn't enough, to be honest. I don't want to say too much to you taht may be influenced by my own situation, I am trying to be impartial! but I do think a relationship should make you happy, really happy at least 50% of the time, probably much more! You are so afraid of losing him you go out of your way to please him at your own expense. It worries me that you are anxious he jumped straight into a relationship 4 weeks after ex. The thought of my p with anyone else is vile, so I know where you're coming from. But why would he do this so quickly? how does he see women, as providers and nurturers for him and the children, or as individuals and equals?

NotActuallyAMum · 21/09/2005 09:32

Didn't see your other post before I posted mine!!

You're discontented because as you said you have nothing in life to look forward to - who wouldn't be? Do you really think this will ever change?

I know you love this man but that on it's own isn't enough chuck, you need and deserve more out of life than that

Original poster

FruitAndNutcase · 21/09/2005 10:17

I dont know what to do. I do love him so much and I know he loves me. Perhaps I am portraying this as worse than it is, perhaps im over sensitive to it - it is my time of the month at the moment! Everyone seems to think that I should end it, but I cant imagine life without him. I dont know if I would be any happier without him tbh!

Ninah I am happy at least 50% of the time, its just every now and then it all seems to build up and get me down. He does put me first an awful lot and do nice little things for me. He came home from work early yesterday because I wasnt well. Little things like that.

OP posts:

beetroot · 21/09/2005 10:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

FruitAndNutcase · 21/09/2005 10:40

Thank you for being so frank and to the point Beetroot - He does treat me, I have said that, he buys me little things now and again. And I dont support him, our money is joint, we both have access to it. You are right perhaps I shouldnt be moaning about it, but I thought this is what this forum was for! To chat to other people who understood and who are in similar situations and can sympathise and empathise!

I am obviously totally over reacting on this occasion so I will go and come back when it is not my time of the month and when I have got a grip and have something nice to report!

OP posts:

Original poster

FruitAndNutcase · 21/09/2005 10:42

Thank you to Ninah, NAAM etc. etc. for all your support x

OP posts:

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