I'm Throwing In The Towel

[FruitAndNutcase]

I've had enough, I cant take anymore of this relationship. I love DP so much, but it isn't ever going to work. I have dedicated the last 3 years to him and his kids, his ex, his hobbys, his passions, his wants, his needs and I have nothing more to give!

I feel totally empty inside, I dont have a life of my own anymore, my life is him and his. We cannot go a day without arguing anymore. He cannot see anything that I say. He says I am being argumentative and picking on him for no reason. He is probably right, every little thing now is annoying me or upsetting me because I am so low and unhappy.

Last night we had a huge row because he wanted to watch Moto GP on TV. Nothing wrong in that you may think, and you are probably totally right, but his main love/passion is motorbikes and all his/our life is dedicated to motorbikes/his life in the military/and his kids - in that order! I dont mind him doing the things he loves, I encourage him to have his interest, but when I get home from work and I dont even get asked what I want to watch and his Moto GP is already on the timer on sky, I get a little p**sed off! How much more has got to be about him and what he wants or needs? He even sits and watches it when we have the kids, and despite them moaning and saying they hate it, he still carries on watching it and ignoring them!

We cannot afford for me to do any of the things I would like to do or want to buy! When I say I would love a new mobile phone, oh no we cant afford that - then the next day he goes out and spends £200 on something for his bike, because it will increase the performance of it!!!!!!

We couldnt afford to have a week away on our own this year, yet we spent £700 on a week in a caravan with the kids and then he comes home and buys a new set of tyres for his bike - another £150! I have come to the conclusion that I would actually be really well off if it wasnt for his kids and his expensive hobby! This weekend is the first proper weekend we have had off on our own without the kids for 5 weeks and I was looking forward to not having to drive half way around the country. Now though he wants to go to Superbikes on Sunday which is about 2 hours drive away and will cost over £120 with petrol and entrance fee........ no consideration at all!

I have put up with this now for 3 years, and I just cant take it anymore. Everything is on his terms, what he wants, what he likes and I have always put up with it, because my main priority in life is to make the people I love happy! But it is taking the p**s. I have to wait until its convenient for him to get married, wait until he says its better for his kids, to have a baby, spend a fortune on his kids once a month (not including CSA), put up with his obsession of motorbikes, put up with his constant remeniscing about the best days of his life - No not when his children were born but when he was in the army/RAF. I dont feel like I have anything in common with him, I dont ride bikes, I have never been in the military, I dont have kids........ What have I got to share with him?

I'm so unhappy, I can see no other option to leave even though I cannot imagine life without him. He never shouts at me, hurts me, calls me names, mistreats me - he tells me he loves me most days - so why do I feel so crap?

Will it make him happy if he pisses you off so much you leave? I think you need to work on self-esteem and boundaries. People won't love you less if you make your own needs clear, and they won't love you more if you let them walk all over you so much that you feel angry and upset.

Could you do a temporary split for a few weeks, make him realise what he's missing?

To answer your question Aloha - If I stay with him, then in 10 years time, I would like to hope that we would have a child of our own, his 2 youngest kids will be over 16 and therefore we will not be paying CSA anymore and he will be thinking about early retirement and his huge company pension he will be getting and we will be planning to move abroad (one thing that we have both always agreed on). Then I will be happy!

Reading between the lines I think I have been in a similar situation. You mentioned one thing in your post which rang some bells. If your DP is putting off getting married / having more children because he is worried about how his existing children will react, then let me assure you there is never a "right" time.

If these are things that you want then you need to have a heart to heart with him and look at your future together and see how you can make it work for both of you.

If you want those things and he doesn;t, then your future is doubtful, unless you can live without them.

HTH

Does he realise that this is your life plan? Does he want the same things? It will be very hard having children if he is always away and watching motor stuff on the telly. I think you also need to talk about budgeting, so you set aside money for things you want - like at least a weekend away together. Tell him you don't want to go to Superbikes on Sunday. Tell him you want a weekend away, and book it!

Aloha I asked him that last night and he said that he didnt want me to leave or for us to split up. Frizbe, Im too scared to have a trial seperation as when he split up from the mother of his kids (she kicked him out after a series of rows) he got with someone else within about 4 weeks!

Your dp sounds much like my BIL. The difference is that BIL and SIL have two children. BIL is obsessed with athletics and cycling and that's what he does during his time off. He even has a bike on roller bars in the garage that he uses when he can't go out. My sil is very down about it, because the time he could be spending with her and the children is spent doing as he pleases. So having your own child may not make him spend more time with you.

But what does he want? Is the same as you? If not, after three years, I would be concerned.

Thanks FF - I have had a heart to heart many a time with him and I know a lot of my emotion and anger stems from what he has that I want i.e. kids. We are going to plan to have a baby next year, when his 2 youngest will be 8 and 9 as he feels they will then be at an age to accept it better. Tbh it isnt the kids he is so worried about it is the manipulative BM who has threatened allsorts if he has any more children, including not letting him see his kids!

Aloha he has just booked me a 2 hour horse riding hack for Saturday, so that is out of the question. I know it was nice of him and I should be very grateful, but, and please call me ungrateful, but I would have rather us done something together (hes only booked it for me)!

Hi Otto - It's not like he spends time away from me, he is just obsessed with motorbikes, he rides when he can in the nice weather (and most of the time I am pillion), and he watches it on TV a lot aswell as buying all the DVDs. However, my main grouse is the money it costs and his constant talk about it. Every conversation seems to end up about motorbikes!

Aloha - He wants us to live abroad in 10 - 15 years time when he takes early retirement. He wants us to have a child of our own and get married one day - All of which I want too!

F&N it doesn't make any difference what age his kids are if / when you have a child of your own. My dss & dsd were teenagers (15 & 16) and they didn't react particularly well and in fact think they would have accepted it better when they were younger.

And take no notice of idle threats from your dh's ex, it's got nothing to do with her. Is she with someone else?

But don't you think booking the riding lesson is a bit manipulative? He's doing it to shut you up. It means that you can't complain about him watching motorbikes on Sunday. If he'd cancelled that and booked something that you could do together it would be a different matter.

FK Its a difficult situation with his kids as we have been totally thru the mill and back again over the last few months with BM regarding contact. If kids lived a few miles down the road and he saw them regularly it would be a lot easier, but they live nearly 200 miles away and we only see them for 1 weekend a month and 2 seperate weeks in the summer holidays. SS 8 was a real daddys boy but recently BM has totally turned him against DP saying that he doesnt love him anymore, too much love for me and not enough for them etc etc and SS has really changed. He's not pally or affectionate with DP anymore and I think it has really hurt him seeing what BM can do!

Otto - Manipulative no, I have said a lot recently that I wanted to go horse riding again, just would have liked to have done it with him. He hasn't booked Superbikes for Sunday, its a turn up on the day thing, so there is hope!

{{{{Hugs FANC}}}}

So sorry to hear all this, just when you thought things were looking up for you

You are being taken for granted here big time - financially, emotionally and physically! Like you said, you have devoted 3 years of your time to him and his children and what have you had out of the relationship? Very little by the sounds of it

Please don't be frightened to leave him if that's what you want to do - you WILL find someone else and you WILL be happy again. You deserve no less

I would point blank refuse to go to Superbikes on Sunday if I were you - but if you do go I live quite close by and would be more than happy to meet for a chat if you need a shoulder

Hmm yes I agree easier when they are nearby, as my skids were, and we never had arguments about contact with BM, only money

What problems have you had and what is she threatening?

sorry fandn just thought you sounded like another mnetter I had chatted with, I had hoped things were looking up for her.

Hi NAAM - thank you for your kind words. I might take you up on that if I do go on Sunday

FK the distance is a major issue and despite BM not complaining about it for 5 years since they split, in the last year it has become a major issue for her. I think she is jelouse of what we have?? I dont know what?? But we both work long hours, about 50 hours a week each and anything we do have i.e. the one holiday we have had in 3 years and a newish car which we had to get as ours had clapped out and no car, no see the kids!!! So we do work for what we have!

She wants DP to have the kids more than once a month and to take them abroad in the Summer and have them at Christmas from Boxing Day to January 3rd! She has no idea of journeying and travel as she has only recently got her licence back after being banned for drink driving. Shes never driven out of the town she lives in and has never driven on a motorway. She has no idea how much it costs us to do the 700 mile round trip each time we have them! She thinks that we should be taking them abroad each year which we cannot afford and she wont even pay for their passports to be done so he has refused to take them away and pay for their passports! To have them from Boxing Day until January 3rd means we have no time to ourselves over Xmas as we both work up to and including Xmas Eve! We have said we will have them from Boxing Day to New Years Eve but that is not good enough for her! We are both due back to work on 2nd January so we will have to take extra holiday aswell as having to drive all that way and back again before going straight back to work the next day. She also wants us to have the kids once a month when she wants us to have them and not for the set weekend a month we have agreed. This is not always possible as DP sometimes works shifts and she cannot expect us just to drop everything when she feels like going out with her mates, especially because of the distance. There are lots of other issues aswell, like her phoning up being abusive on the phone which our Solicitor has managed to prevent, for now, and at huge cost to us. Of course she doesnt pay for a solicitor as she is on legal aid!!!!!!! Arrrrghhhhhh and so the stress goes on!

Ninah - Could possible be, Sorry I have changed my chat name as had a feeling BM may chat on here!

well take care. You don't seem to have much joy in your life. I think you deserve better.

Thanks Ninah - It does seem that way a bit at the moment doesnt it? How is your situation going now?

You sound very, very stressed by all of this. I've had times when I' ve been tearing my hear out over changed arrangements, money, holidays etc, but it's been nothing like you're having to put up with. Do you ever get to spend any proper, stress-free time alone with your dp when he's not watching motor racing?

Hi Otto - Yes we do get sometime, mainly when its not motorbiking season Lol - It just seems to have gotten all on top of me lately, we had the kids for 2 seperate weeks out of 3 then a weeks gap in which we drove over 200 miles in the opposite direction to visit his eldest son who is in the military then we had kids for the weekend again and now this with the motorbikes it has just got all a bit much for me. I just wanted a weekend at home together on our own, to have some quality time together!

Similar to you! had enough!
Nothing to do with s-parenting issue tbh, dss is one of the best things about our relationship. More that p is a - well a P!!!
I'm marching, and I'm old. and pregnant!

so my advice might be a bit off today! pinch of salt required.
I know you love dp ...
I don't know - you should be happier, oftener.

Awww Ninah, thats right I think I remember now, didn't you find out you were pregnant and he didnt want the baby? Well done for walking though, I wish I could be as strong as you, but then my DP for all his faults would not treat me like that. How old are you?