Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

I'm Throwing In The Towel

98 replies

FruitAndNutcase · 20/09/2005 10:40

I've had enough, I cant take anymore of this relationship. I love DP so much, but it isn't ever going to work. I have dedicated the last 3 years to him and his kids, his ex, his hobbys, his passions, his wants, his needs and I have nothing more to give!

I feel totally empty inside, I dont have a life of my own anymore, my life is him and his. We cannot go a day without arguing anymore. He cannot see anything that I say. He says I am being argumentative and picking on him for no reason. He is probably right, every little thing now is annoying me or upsetting me because I am so low and unhappy.

Last night we had a huge row because he wanted to watch Moto GP on TV. Nothing wrong in that you may think, and you are probably totally right, but his main love/passion is motorbikes and all his/our life is dedicated to motorbikes/his life in the military/and his kids - in that order! I dont mind him doing the things he loves, I encourage him to have his interest, but when I get home from work and I dont even get asked what I want to watch and his Moto GP is already on the timer on sky, I get a little p**sed off! How much more has got to be about him and what he wants or needs? He even sits and watches it when we have the kids, and despite them moaning and saying they hate it, he still carries on watching it and ignoring them!

We cannot afford for me to do any of the things I would like to do or want to buy! When I say I would love a new mobile phone, oh no we cant afford that - then the next day he goes out and spends £200 on something for his bike, because it will increase the performance of it!!!!!!

We couldnt afford to have a week away on our own this year, yet we spent £700 on a week in a caravan with the kids and then he comes home and buys a new set of tyres for his bike - another £150! I have come to the conclusion that I would actually be really well off if it wasnt for his kids and his expensive hobby! This weekend is the first proper weekend we have had off on our own without the kids for 5 weeks and I was looking forward to not having to drive half way around the country. Now though he wants to go to Superbikes on Sunday which is about 2 hours drive away and will cost over £120 with petrol and entrance fee........ no consideration at all!

I have put up with this now for 3 years, and I just cant take it anymore. Everything is on his terms, what he wants, what he likes and I have always put up with it, because my main priority in life is to make the people I love happy! But it is taking the p**s. I have to wait until its convenient for him to get married, wait until he says its better for his kids, to have a baby, spend a fortune on his kids once a month (not including CSA), put up with his obsession of motorbikes, put up with his constant remeniscing about the best days of his life - No not when his children were born but when he was in the army/RAF. I dont feel like I have anything in common with him, I dont ride bikes, I have never been in the military, I dont have kids........ What have I got to share with him?

I'm so unhappy, I can see no other option to leave even though I cannot imagine life without him. He never shouts at me, hurts me, calls me names, mistreats me - he tells me he loves me most days - so why do I feel so crap?

OP posts:
TracyK · 20/09/2005 10:43

What age are you?

Caligula · 20/09/2005 10:49

He sounds utterly selfish and self-obsessed.

You feel crap because letting go of a relationship, even a bad one, is tough.

But let it go. It's doing nothing for you. Leave it behind and go and find something better. And someone better, who will love you. He says he does, but actions speak louder than words. He ignores you, by the sound of it. That's not a sign of love in my book.

aloha · 20/09/2005 10:54

Agree with Caligula, I'm afraid. How old are you? Don't throw good years after bad.

ninah · 20/09/2005 10:55

Do I 'know' you? sorry to hear this, anyway

Original poster
FruitAndNutcase · 20/09/2005 11:18

Im 33 going on 80 at this rate!

I guess I just had this wonderful picture in my head that by the time I was 30 I would be married, have a couple of kids of my own, not be rich but be comfortable, live in a nice 3 bed semi in the country instead of a small box in the country's capital!

Sorry just feeling terribly sorry for myself today!

Ninah - don't think I know you, why do you say that?

OP posts:
moondog · 20/09/2005 11:21

F&N..doesn't sound like he will change (people don't you know.)This is the most important thing I've learnt in my 38 years.

Get out while you can. Sometimes love really isn't enough.

otto · 20/09/2005 11:37

Agree with what the others have said. You're not getting anything out of this relationship and loving somebody just isn't enough. Have you changed your name? Your circumstances sound very similar to another stepmum.

Nightynight · 20/09/2005 11:47

Splitting up is horrid, but so is motorbike mania. I think if it was me, something would have to give. Good luck.

aloha · 20/09/2005 11:53

You can love someone and still walk away. Love isn't always enough. You can and will love someone else. You aren't happy and I can't see much here that will make you happy in the future.
Join a dating agency or go speed dating - I bet it will boost your morale even if you don't find Mr Nice-House-In-The-Country straight away.

beansprout · 20/09/2005 11:56

Does he really know how you feel and how serious this is getting? Sounds like you really need to have a big talk. It certainly seems as if he is taking you for granted but sometimes people just get caught up and don't realise the consequences of what they are doing.

My experience of being a step-mum is that I have spent a lot of time feeling like I had to fit into someone else's life but it doesn't have to be true. I really wish you well as these things are never easy.

TracyK · 20/09/2005 12:06

Have you got your finances sorted out if you decide to end it? At least make some kind of planning in your head and maybe that kind of positive action will cheer you up?
I'd get out now - and meet someone else while you're still young enough to have kids. My friend made the mistake of leaving it too late (35) and only managed to meet someone, get married and have one baby. She's now 42 and too late for baby No2 that she would have loved.

Original poster
FruitAndNutcase · 20/09/2005 12:46

Thank you all for your advices. I think I let things get on top of me too much. I can handle his motorbike fixation, I can handle his kids, I can handle everything else, just not all at the same time when there doesnt seem to be anything for me in the package! I hope that makes sense?

OP posts:
Original poster
FruitAndNutcase · 20/09/2005 12:48

TracyK - I havent even thought about finances, that scares me. I split up from a 14 year relationship 5 years ago and that was so hard. I was totally screwed with regards to what I was paid, but at the time I was too naive and hurt to fight! I wouldn't fall for that again though, i'm older and wiser and if we did seperate then I know I would take him for as much as I could, especially as it is me who has financed a lot of his extravagances!

OP posts:
beetroot · 20/09/2005 12:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

tarantula · 20/09/2005 13:00

Hi Sorry to hear things are going down hill again esp when you thought things were picking up . I totally agree that he is a selfish git and possibly you leaving or even seen to be leaving may be the best thing. Id say he is taking you for granted. I felt this way about my dp a while back till I put my foot down and took control of our finances

Does your dp realise how badly you feel? Might be a good idea to look at a trial seperation and alos to take a good look at your finances. a trip to CAB might be best.

motherinferior · 20/09/2005 13:00

And 33 is young, honey.

Original poster
FruitAndNutcase · 20/09/2005 13:08

Hi Tarantula - Thank you, I know you know my situation quite well. A lot of it is my own fault, im to blame. I am and always have been one for spending money on the people I love. I do it with my family, friends, DP and his kids. If DP says he really wants something (and we do talk about it beforehand, he doesnt just go and order things behind my back) then because I want him to be happy, I let him have whatever he wants. Then I find myself not having something I want because we have spent too much or because I feel guilty at spending our money! I know it sounds stupid and I cringe when I am reading this, so I guess it is all my own fault! I love spoiling my loved ones and showering them with nice things, love, affection etc. I just dont seem to always get that back. Perhaps I have too high expectations of other people and shouldnt assume that everyone is as soft (or stupid) as me?

OP posts:
tarantula · 20/09/2005 13:19

I can be a bit like that too fanc and it does get me down sometimes. Dp used to say but look Ive got no becasue I took you out to the pub and baought this and that and the other for you which was true but it wasnt stuff I wanted IYSWIM but Id still end up feeling guilty cos he had spent all his money. then I jsut put my foot down one day and said I want....a house and a kid...end of!!! so all MY money is going into a savings account(one where he couldnt get at it and neither could I) and I left him to pay most of the bills. That gave him a major dose of reality . that sounds a bit bad doesnt it but I did it with his full agreement and it worked. He still moaned about wanting stuff but tough the money wasnt there

tarantula · 20/09/2005 13:21

and no you are NOT stupid. Not stupid at all. I love to spend money on other people too. Aint got any now tho so cant

sansouci · 20/09/2005 13:23

Because being disappointed is crap. The way you describe it, he sounds dreadful. The problem doesn't seem to be your role as step-parent but your relationship with DP. he sounds a right selfish so-and-so.

aloha · 20/09/2005 13:26

He sounds appallingly selfish and extremely dull as well.
However, you can't really pursue him for money as you aren't married. Do you jointly own your home?

Original poster
FruitAndNutcase · 20/09/2005 13:42

Thanks Tarantula. Sansouci and Aloha, he does have his good points, I know he loves me, he does show it in other ways, but perhaps just not as often as I would like. For example, he has just this minute texted me and asked if I have anything planned for Saturday. I know now he will have booked something special for me, but it always takes an argument for this to happen! Aloha, he isnt really dull, he just is a typical bloke who likes boys toys....... I guess I should be glad his passion isnt football as I hate football! and he certainly isn't dull in bed if you get my drift

OP posts:
Original poster
FruitAndNutcase · 20/09/2005 13:45

Ok he just rang me, he booked me a 2 hour horse riding hack on Saturday!!!!!!

OP posts:
aloha · 20/09/2005 13:48

Ah, so he has some redeeming features then!
Personally I couldnt' stand being married to an enthusiast of any sort - ie someone with an obsessional hobby. Always seems a bit strange to me. But hey, you aren't asking me to marry him
Maybe you do need to be a bit more assertive if you really think you have a future together. How do you see yourself in ten years time if you stay with him?

Original poster
FruitAndNutcase · 20/09/2005 13:52

Yes he has SOME redeeming features, however I do agree that he is selfish, albeit without him even knowing it! Perhaps I should get really obsessed about something? Any suggestions?

Your right, perhaps I do need to be more assertive. I do tend to let people walk over me a bit, but Im not as bad as I used to be. However, when I put my foot down, I always feel really guilty that I have stopped someone from doing/saying/buying something that makes them happy. I worry a lot

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread