Step-Parents Wine Drinking Club

[cobbledtogether]

It seems the logical move.

DSD sends over 800 texts one month on the phone we pay for OH acting like an arse Weekend plans changed at last minute Cook dinner, then OH cooks something else as they 'just fancy xxxxx'

glug, glug, glug, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I am no longer a stepmum but I do so see the need for this thread.

I raise my glass to you.

I am of course the perfect mother despite all that my ex-step daughter and eldest dd say about me

Thanks so much everyone. Have had a hectic few days, so not been online much except a quick look.

DH has managed to finally speak to his ex about the whole maintenance thing. (She wasn't answering for about 4 days, her landline or mobile ) They have agreed that he will add £50 back onto the maintenance and we will still give DSD the £50 'allowance'. She has agreed she will not charge DSD additional rent for the time being. So, all sorted, thank goodness! Just Christmas access to sort now...

BH, I get completely what you are saying. Odd, isn't it?! I mean, my own stepmother was a total fruit loop, but I never assumed all step mothers were the same. Obviously DH's ex wife is a bit, um, troublesome, but neither do I assume all/most birth mothers are like that.

I get on so well with my own ex. it's a pity all relationships with ex's can't be like that.

Again, no wine for me, and stinking headaches from caffeine withdrawal now...

Hi Midori, glad you got it sorted, even if it has cost you an extra £50 a month.

I didn't have any experiences with SMs till I became one and I just assumed that as I was a reasonable human being, it would all be OK.
.

I'd not thought about Christmas yet. I was sober all last year as was pg then bfing. This year I will make up for it :)

Hope the headaches clear up soon.

Hello everyone. After another difficult weekend with DSSs DH finally spoke to exW about DSS2 (15). He has been telling us for ages he doesn't want to visit, hates it here etc.

He has been picking arguments with everyone especially his Dad, so DH, finding himself being dragged into another, pulled him up on this "I can see what you're doing, you are deliberately causing a fight aren't you, why do you do that?"

He replied "haven't you worked it out by now, I want you to send me home"

Well it was kind of what we suspected but DH didn't expect it to be delivered so bluntly (although DSS2 is the king of blunt and front).

So, long discussion followed, most we're heard before, but this time he admitted more about what he'd been doing to deliberately upset people, I mean he practically gave a list!! like 'you know when I said this and did that', and 'I couldn't believe it when I did so and so and you did nothing'

So (again) DH told him he wanted him to be happy here and to want to come, why didn't he talk to his Mum, DSS said he had been saying for ages that he wanted to stay home, but she insisted, even said she'd start taking away his things, like phone etc if he didn't !! (could be a bit of a fib that one, but who knows)

DH spoke to ExW about it, she went nuts, blamed it all on DH and me of course. Then she admitted he'd been a shit to her for quite a while now and when he gets home to her she can't wait to get rid of him again. DH suggested that he was horrible to her because she is forcing him out, and in turn he's being horrible to us.

She just finished with 'well if you want to push him out of your life then go ahead' GUILT TRIP.

I'm just so angry she's ignoring the problem. I just don't know what to say, probably be back to 'normal' next visit and nothing will be resolved.

I used to think I was a reasonable human being too - now after 4 years of being a SM I'm not sure. Surely if I was really a good person I would be able to be better at this?

Jonesy that is so sad for DSS, for you and DH. Trying to talk to ExW looks like a waste of time if she is to blame DH and project her own issues on him.

I think the best you can do in this situ is let DSS know that you only want him to be happy and try and find ways to make it better.

On my side- DH came back from dropping DSD2 last night saying: oh , btw Ex wanted to swap that w-e and I said it was okay!

I was so for not being consulted once again and we had plans for that w-e!!! We have swapped w-e 2 times already since August to accommodate Ex and it just seems like we're still not on a routine yet even though the girls have been back to school for 2 months already!

Anyhow, I made him change it back to the way it was and we'll lose one Sunday out of it- Shame but we have a life too!

Rant over-

Is is wine'o'clock yet ?

What I have learned is that you can be the most reasonable person in the world and still have difficulty. Success in a second family is actually a lot down to luck and the others involved. You can be the calmest, most rational person in the world, but if the other parties don't join in, you're fighting a losing battle.

Jonesy, your DH has to sit down with his DS and ExW to discuss this together. There could be loads of reasons for SS not wanting to come every weekend and wouldn't it be better all around if he came less frequently, but when he wanted to?

I've said it before and I'll say it again - the access arrangements made when children are small aren't necessarily the best for them when they reach their teens. Having someone who resents every minute they are there doesn't help anyone.

p.s. I am avoiding wine today. I cooked beef bourginon yesterday and the 1/2 bottle of red wine that didn't go into the pot went into me. I need to stop doing a Floyd and go back onto soft drinks on week nights!

BH- So true!

When we ended up in Mediation our mediators told us to view our parenting as 'Project Management' so it is team work and everyone has to work/have a say and focus on the goal which is making the children happy.

Your Boeuf Bourguignon sounds fab !

Pegs - the weekend swappy thing is a thing of evil isn't it, there was a time you couldn't see anything on our calendar for the scribblings of 'boys weekend/SWAPPED' !!

spot on Babyheave

I really think it would be better if he just came when he wanted to, and all I want is for him (and all of us) to be happy. But it seems so hard for some to believe that these are the genuine motives and feelings of a stepmum!!

I played it down in my post, but the ExW seems to think that I must have done something to have made him 'suddenly hate jonesy so much' . So it seems he actually told her that he hates me but hasn't explained why (?)

I daresay he's said it as an 'angle' so she will let him stay home to protect her baby from me, but it just reinforces her belief that I am indeed an evil stepmother, but then she dearly wants to believe that.

Obviously she doesn't ever want to hear anything nice about me and the boys know this (have done for 11+ years). I know for a fact that she says stuff to them about me (the 'mummy says' years were no fun either). But she's created a monster because she now has a son who doesn't want to visit his Dad and SM, and who she fears she is now lumbered with.

And another thing...

DS2 (3.5) has chickenpox, DS1 is on inset day today so just a matter of time..

Jonesy, oh dear! I hope he's not too grumpy...

DD7 had it last April and we were stuck at home for 7 days straight.

There is an anti-histamine that helps with the itch...Piriton ? I used that and Vira-Soothe and it did help a great deal!

Yes I will get some of that, got some Benadryl cream in the cupboard to use for now but that'll soon be gone, - the spots are popping up rapidly, a handful more every time I look at him!

My sister just visited and was worrying about how i was going to get DS1 to school tomorrow (that is if he hasn't got it by then!). I said I had thought of putting the rain cover on the buggy over DS2 so if people saw his pox they could see i was trying to contain in and wouldn't judge me for taking him out!

DS and DD had it earlier this year - I found aqueous calamine cream 100% better than the lotion. I slathered them in it.

I had a nightmare 3 weeks as the last of DSs spots scabbed over pretty much on the day that DD came out in the first ones. The sods.

Midori, congratulations on your pregnancy. I read all about your twins when I still just lurked on here and I was so struck by your bravery.

Can I join in?

I have two stepchildren - 11 and 8. They live with us full time after my husband was awarded residency, but their mother died earlier this year in any case. We are left with financial chaos - all his money gone on legal fees, divorce financial proceedings not finished so most marital assets now held by evil trustees who won't let us use any of it to house the kids, further court proceedings beckon - and with an 11 year old with serious emotional problems after going through hell with her mother.

So although we don't have an EW actually present, she lives on... Not to mention the two years of hell we went through before she died. I can relate to you all.

Oh, and I'm pregnant. Told the kids last night and so far they seem pleased...

Hey Stiffy, welcome !

Congrats on your pregnancy!

Hello Stiffy!

Sounds like your situation with the late EW has been just awful, and as you say she's left you quite a legacy and not in a good way.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, make sure you're good to yourself.

Jonesy, How did you get on with the school run this morning ?

I managed..

No, it was fine really, he's not feeling too bad but was upset to be put in the buggy as he usually runs along with DS1. I put the plastic cover over and told anyone who stopped long enough to chat.

I told DS1's class teacher too although we probably won't know if he's going to get it for another week, she agreed that we shouldn't keep him off because he may escape it.

I'm going to feel so bad if he does and then all his class mates start to go down with it too! Maybe i should take the old view that it'll do them a favour to get it over with while they're young. I think DS1 is unusual not to have got it pre-school anyway.

I'll have to go there in disguise until it's over

It's not like you have much choice really.

That's what happened to DD, over the span of 2-3 weeks about 12 kids caught it, I'm glad it's out of the way. I had it at 11 and it was complete and utter agony!

DSD2 was quite sweet when DD had CP- she was year 5 at the time and said: You know Pegs, I can manage walking to my friends house and then we can all walk together to school. She came home like the big girl she is now and made me so proud.

I was a bit shocked but she has done it ever since, been getting ready for those dreaded secondary years.

Jonesy we had the same thing with the DSS's when they became teenagers. They finally admitted to us that they didn't want to come to ours so often as they wanted to be out with their mates.
We had wondered why their mum and stepdad had suddenly offered to start bringing them down to us on a Friday evening instead of us picking them up.
So we had a long discussion with DSS's and said that we understood and whilst we liked seeing them, we didn't want them to be forced to come down which their mum was doing.
So a letter went to their mum, thanking her for all her efforts in bringing them down but stating that they had made it clear they didn't want to come so often, so we would leave it open. And that at their ages, their wishes should be respected. They would contact us when they wanted to turn up and then we would pick them up if we were around.
She couldn't do a lot as it was all in writing and their ages would be taken into consideration.
They were relieved and in fact probably had a better time with them when we did see them as it was there choice. She wasn't happy apparently but couldn't do a lot apart from going legal which she wasn't prepared to spend money on.

Then she admitted he'd been a shit to her for quite a while now and when he gets home to her she can't wait to get rid of him again. DH suggested that he was horrible to her because she is forcing him out, and in turn he's being horrible to us.

My own DS is like this at the moment, its those horrible teenage hormones (he is nearly 15 as well), I have to be honest and say I pack him off to his dads, just to give myself a break, he is a moody nasty sod lately!

"I have to be honest and say I pack him off to his dads, just to give myself a break, he is a moody nasty sod lately!"

Aren't teenagers lovely!

At least you're honest rainyrainy , his mother has been saying she's just 'doing everything I can for you two (DSS and DH) to maintain a relationship'

when really she means 'I pack him off to his dads, just to give myself a break, he is a moody nasty sod lately!'

Had a drama with my poor little spotty Maldoon this morning, having been fine first thing he very suddenly was whingy, went floppy and sleepy, colour drained and lips blue, he was barely awake and just wasn't responding so I called an ambulance (that was a first!). The operator kept me on the line and they were here in under 15mins. By then he had a little colour back, they stayed for about half an hour and by then he was pretty much back to normal. Frightened the life out of me!

They reckoned it was just a sudden surge in temperature and I'm to keep him topped up with paracetamol and ibuprofen.

Still feel a bit shaky - really shocking how quickly he went down and the colour of him was terrifying.

Right as rain now though, but very spotty!

Poor little mite- glad to hear he's all okay now!