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Which qualities did you or would you look for when choosing your children’s legal guardians? Share your thoughts with Beyond

252 replies

AbbiCMumsnet · 14/08/2019 13:24

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Lots of parents often think about who they would choose as legal guardians for their children, with a number of considerations being taken into account. It may be important that they’re family, or essential that your children are taught the values you believe in. Whatever your priorities, there’s no doubt that choosing your children’s legal guardians is an important decision for all parents. With this in mind, Beyond want to hear from you about how you chose, or would choose, legal guardians for your children.

Here’s what Beyond have to say:
“Without a will, the state determines what happens with your kids and assets, whether you’re married or not. So, a will is vital for parents, and Beyond make it simple and affordable to get it sorted online. In 15 minutes, you can protect your family with a legally-binding will - without ever having to leave the house. It’s perfect for busy mums and dads. Trusted by 1,000s of UK parents, Beyond’s easily updatable online will service lets you protect your family, choose guardians for children and pets and leave personal messages for your loved ones.”

Which qualities do you look for when deciding who to choose for your children’s legal guardians? Was it an easy decision, or was it something that took time to think about? How did you ask them to take on such a big responsibility - or have you not asked? Have you changed your mind since writing your will - if you have written a will at all?

Share the qualities you did or would look for in your children’s legal guardians on the thread below, and be in with a chance to win a £300 voucher of your choice (from a list), as well as a legally binding will for you and your partner.

Thanks and good luck!
MNHQ

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Which qualities did you or would you look for when choosing your children’s legal guardians? Share your thoughts with Beyond
OP posts:
Pandamodium · 15/08/2019 05:39

Different for each child although my children have different fathers. My oldest would go to her bio Dad and my middle child (who's dad is violent and not allowed any contact) and son who is my husband's biological child would stay with him.

In the event of both our deaths my oldest daughters dad has already agreed to take her younger sister too as not to split them up. DS would go to my DH's parents as my mam isn't in the best of health. I'm confident between ex-p and my in laws contact would be facilitated between all three siblings. Myself and DH decided this between us as both exp and my in laws would adhere to our wishes and are good people.

Pandamodium · 15/08/2019 05:42

I don't have a will but we do have life insurance which pays out to the right people.

wonkylegs · 15/08/2019 08:10

To some extent the choice was the only one that was appropriate.
My mum has dementia
My dad has mental health issues
My brother and his partner parent in ways that are totally unacceptable to us (anti-vax, non establishment, home school, no rules - big bonkers)
My sister is a flake that can barely look after herself and my brother was still a teenager when we made our will.
My SIL & her husband already have 4kids and also have quite different opinions on parenting to us (boys should do boys jobs, girls should raise a family and do girl jobs Hmm)
My ILs are lovely, active and would respect our wishes so were an obvious choice to make the best life possible for our boys should've worst happen - they also adore them.

Hatethewordhun · 15/08/2019 08:15

I would want someone who believes what I believe, who nurtures my children and encourages them to follow their dreams. I also want someone who carries on teaching them that they matter, they are important and they must treat others with kindness at all times but without being a doormat. I would love somebody who would remind them how much I love/d them everyday, that they were my world. Lastly, all the best people are a little bit strange, and it's boring to be considered normal.

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 15/08/2019 08:34

It's tough for us. DB and BIL are the obvious choice but they live quite a way from us and not sure they could relocate to our town, so our dcs would be facing losing us and then school friends/network.

We don't get on with DHs brother.

Both sets of parents are older, have health issues.

My best friend who's their godmother would also be a great choice, however has also recently moved to the other end of the country!

Basically, this is stopping us making a choice.

We need to have the argument again!

MadeForThis · 15/08/2019 08:58

Our main consideration was that they would raise our DD's in the same way we would. That they already had a strong relationship. Their age, their existing dc - how everyone would be impacted.

JC4PMPLZ · 15/08/2019 09:16

I have never thought about this! Eeek. I suppose my brother snd his wife would make sense, as they are not too much older than me. They have no children, though. I doubt that matter. I guess this is only until age of 18, which is just 8 years for my DS. Anyway need to get a will sorted first.....

Zillaindie · 15/08/2019 09:17

With having young twins we have had to choose wisely in terms of who has the stamina to parent two young boys.

Also those who are able to provide a community around them as they grow. Having cousins and close family to grow up around is important for us so has influenced our decision massively

SeekingShade · 15/08/2019 09:20

This is something I find so difficult. We have three children so for any of our friends/family with kids to take them it would mean they'd end up with 5 or 6 kids. Then there's the fact that a lot of them aren't local... and that people who'd be good for dc1 wouldn't necessarily be good for dc2, etc

TimeIhadaNameChange · 15/08/2019 11:02

I'm currently pregnant so this is a useful reminder to be thinking about this.

My family is out of the question - my mother is elderly, and would claim she's unable to look after them. I do not have a relationship with my sister and would really not want my child to end up with them.

DP's family would be more suitable, however, the family who we'll end up seeing more of already have three children. The other family would be more willing and able to take on another child, but they live at the other end of the country so my child is unlikely to know them much at all.

I think I'll ask a very good friend of mine who lives nearby. She is a wonderful mother and would quite happily take on another child.

pushchairprincess · 15/08/2019 11:09

Which qualities do you look for when deciding who to choose for your children’s legal guardians?

Love, security, stability and organisation.

Was it an easy decision, or was it something that took time to think about?

It was an easy decision, as my sister has the same qualities I value, and we have the same role models (mum and dad).

How did you ask them to take on such a big responsibility - or have you not asked?

I have not asked formally - it is just what would naturally happen - I would do the same for her, it's just a unwritten rule.

Have you changed your mind since writing your will - if you have written a will at all?

I have not written a will - perhaps I really should consider this just to put things in order.

ohdannyboy · 15/08/2019 11:16

i really need to sort this out, both my and my OH have been married before have children apart and together so we really need to get our pensions/house and estate in order so everyone gets an equal share (if one of us goes before the other, I don't want any of the children to loose out of our estate, plus if we go together it will (hopefully) prevent any post will disputes - we have not made a will - of course we think the worst won't happen to us- but it could. We would need to sort out the childcare arrangements, - something to discuss with OH and the EX OH

sashh · 15/08/2019 11:27

I think such arrangements should only ever be made by people who really, really want to step up and only in the context of the circumstances at the time, not based on agreements made years ago and written into a legally binding document.

But this isn't a one off set in stone decision, it's something you would surely revisit every 2-5 years along with your will?

I have some fab friends who have children and would give a loving home to another child or children. My brother is too far away and I don't agree with some of his ideas.

blackleggingsandatshirt · 15/08/2019 11:28

I have been concerned about this, my OH is a fabulous step father for my eldest, and I am step mum to a daughter who will not have anything to do with me my OH, we are not unique, but know I need to get our affairs sorted out, and hopefully will have a better relationship with my step-daughter. We have not made a will, we NEED TO make a will, things are complicated - but I'm sure it's not impossible.
I would like to think my brother and his wife who are my closest family would 'adopt' my DS should the worst happen - I have not asked them - again this is something I need to address. Great thread to get us thinking and sorting things out.

Gumbo · 15/08/2019 11:34

When DS was little we thought long and hard about it. Our relatives who live in the UK are all utterly useless and totally disinterested in him so they they were ruled out. We eventually chose some good friends of ours who have a DC the same age as ours and they get on brilliantly.

However; several years later we re-evaluated it as our friends circumstances have changed, and although we love/trust them we didn't think it would still be in our DC's best interest. As he was now a lot older we asked him if he could pick anyone in the world who he would choose... and he chose a cousin of mine who lives in another country but who loves him dearly.

I think the key is to pick someone you know your children would actually want to live with... and if that person loves the child too, then it's a bonus!

sharond101 · 15/08/2019 11:47

We chose my Sister and her Husband. They love our children and treat them as their own.

Byrdie · 15/08/2019 12:22

I have prioritised family over friends and also chosen someone who doesn't have and does not want their own children. I felt that love was more important than anything and I know this person loves them. They have babysat (awfully I might add) but only through not having a clie about babies and my kids are older now (youngest is 5) so that isn't a factor anymore.

Asuwere · 15/08/2019 14:50

I didn't think about this for long; my sister was just the obvious choice and she was happy to do it. :)

DamnItsSevenAM · 15/08/2019 18:12

I chose friends who my children knew well and would be comfortable with. Their values roughly align with ours so I knew it wouldn't be too much of a change for the children in that respect, at a time when everything else would be changing.

custardcream1000 · 15/08/2019 18:26

This is something I think about a lot. In an ideal world I would like my mum to be the legal guardian as my children have such a strong bond with her and she would be kind, loving and patient. However my mum has poor health so I don't think she could cope having my son's full time. It's such a difficult decision to make.

TellMeItsNotTrue · 15/08/2019 22:49

People that I knew/know would love my children like their own and would do everything they could for them, and that would be willing to take on all three as I wouldn't want them split - pretty much 90% of all I needed

People who take an interest in them now and have a relationship built up with each of them
People who have similar values and parent (or would parent) in a similar way
People that would encourage relationships with family to continue
People who live close enough that they wouldn't need to change schools and would still be near friends and family

Shangrilalala · 15/08/2019 23:46

A close friend who I have known since my first day of school and also a relative who has always been like a big brother to me. They have known me throughout most phases of my life, we share a past and a sense of belonging. If I wasn’t here, I would trust them without hesitation to do the best for DC and honour my memory.

WilsonandNoodles · 16/08/2019 07:40

We would want someone who we know would love and raise our children as we would. We are surrounded by family who would do this so would have to think about the impact of 2 young children on their lives. We would pick my SIL and BIL as they are ready to start a family themselves and I think they would be most likely and willing to see the importance of my children seeing all of their family members regularly.

ButterflyOfFreedom · 16/08/2019 07:45

I choose my brother. He's married with children himself and has a good set up in all ways (financially, emotionally, physically etc). He's a good time model too in terms of being driven, positive and kind, all with a good sense of humour!
He shows lots of love and support.

VictoriaBun · 16/08/2019 09:17

I think if at all possible it would be better to choose a family member that your child has a good relationship with. Hopefully , they would have the same values as you when it comes to raising your child/children.
It would be helpful if you have already had that conversation with them so that should anything happen to you they are already on board on what expectations you would have on how you would wish it to go.