Tell me, Count Olaf, the lies you've told your children - chance to win £300 voucher NOW CLOSED

[CountOlaf]

My dear MNers,

It is I, Count Olaf. Those fools charming fellows at MNHQ have temporarily allowed me to take the reins, and while I have them, I propose that - rather than your usual milksop fare (driveway parking, houmous, and whatnot) - we discuss something rather more meaty.

I want you to tell me the terrible lies you have told your DCs.

By 'lie' I mean, of course, an intentionally false statement - rather like the fiendish zinger I have (thus far) got away with telling those wretched Baudelaire orphans, following the tragic (boo hoo ) death of their darling Ps: that is, that I have their very best interests at heart, and certainly did not become their guardian with the sole intention of getting my hands on their sizeable inheritance. To which end, I have, as some of you may already be aware, developed a suite of cunning disguises to prevent them from wriggling from my grasp.

So do tell - what are the magnificent lies you have told your DCs. Maybe you've told them a single bed has plenty of room for 3 DCs to share? Or that rocks are toys? Share your devious methods below and I will reward one of you with a £300 voucher...but only one of you, of course: life isn’t fair!

Yours ingeniously,

Count Olaf

Standard Insight T&Cs Apply

[xxxbingbunnyxxx]

That we cannot watch Dora (Dora the explorer) on Netflix anymore as she has gone to bed -cause she's sooooo tired from being watched by all the other boys and girls!

[AngelwingsPetlamb]

I told my son the reason I knew he was being naughty behind my back was that I had eyes in the back of my head. In reality I could see his reflection in the window pane ! This went on for several episodes until he finally plucked up courage to have a look in my hair for the eyes.

[ICantFindAFreeNickName2]

One year my DS (he must of been about 6) got a magic chest for Christmas. It included some magic tricks and a book of spells. When he performed the invisibility spell, dp and I pretended we could not see him for half an hour, after which the 'magic' faded and we could see him again.
We sort of thought he was in on it and knew we were pretending he was invisible, but a few weeks later I overheard him telling his friend about how cool his magic chest was and how it had a real invisibility spell !

[earthmoon]

When i broke ds1 toy bus by accidentally stepping on it whilst he was in nursery i went out and bought him a new one. On his return he was pleasantly surprised to see the back tyer fixed and asked how that happened. I said i fixed it for him. He then tried to break the tyer again because he wanted to see me fix it.

[Salumeria]

If you leave things lying around on your bedroom floor, they will get eaten by carpet beetles.

The tooth fairy magically knows if you ever say you have cleaned your teeth but you actually haven't (even if you manage to fool your parents), and she might decide your teeth aren't shiny enough for her to ever bother collecting them.

[jamesk0001]

I told my DD many years ago that the Johnny Cash song "Ring of Fire"

"And it burns, burns, burns
The ring of fire"

Was about the morning after a very very hot curry.

She was in a tutor session with several other 17 year olds in the upper sixth and they were discussing lyrics and songs that they enjoyed with their tutor.

She explained the meaning of that song to the assembled group and it took quite a while for the laughing to stop.

She walloped me when she got home!

[CopperPan]

I told my dcs that they can't have ice cream more than an hour before bedtime or they might get nightmares - now they ask what time it is before they have ice cream.
I tell them my favourite chocolate/crisps are spicy so they can't have any.

[Patriciathestripper1]

Oooo so many.....
Sun dried tomatoes are the cropped bits from puppy dogs ears dried in the sun.
Dates are cockroaches with their legs removed.
If you lie your tounge turns black so if they won't show their tounge you know they have fibbed. Works every time!
Hot dogs are docked dogs tails.
If you don't get out of the swimming pool you will start growing old so keep checking your hands....
We have to leave the playground because you are only allowed half an hour each so other children get a turn..,
All terrible I know

[LaContessaDiPlump]

The problem with the tongue one is that my DS1 is naturally a fucking nightmare a checker of facts and will TEST me to see if his tongue really does turn black, by telling the truth on purpose and then letting me examine it. Bastard.

Maybe it will work on DS2, who is younger

[Blaze6]

'Mum where's my chocolate'
'You ate it all honey'
'Did I, I don't remember'
'Yeah we'll get you some more when we're next shopping'
Whilst wiping chocolate off my face lol

[queenoftheschoolrun]

That I'm not ticklish.

[starlight36]

DD and DS both believe that all children only get bought one magazine a month otherwise there wouldn't be enough magazines in the shop for everyone to get one.

[yougetme]

When DD was about 3 years old we told her that she really had 6 fingers when she was born. We had photos from the birth and zoomed in on a shadowy area of her hand to 'prove' that the finger existed.
We retell the story of how it really isnt a good thing for people to have six fingers on one hand so its a kindness to remove it while you have no sense of it existing. One snip of a big scissor and away it went.Hardly any blood even.
We still occasionally revisit this as DD peers worriedly at the area where her finger was removed.
She is 16

[Girlwhowearsglasses]

We told DTs that there were snakes living behind the banquettes in our local gastropub - there was a grille all along the back. They used to squeal with delight

[smithsurvey14]

Our dd was so gullible that she believed that KFC delivered her the oven fries and chicken I had cooked. She believed in Santa until middle school. When we had to have her rabbit put down she believed that the vet said he was too poorly for us to look after any more and he would take him home with him so he could look after him instead. Our ds on the other hand will not take anything at face value and decided before starting school that Santa is not real. We now tend to tell him the truth and explain why rather than lie because he will work it out anyway!

[Disappointednomore]

You can only buy Nutella in France.

[Meffy]

We had a rabbit that died ... buried her in the garden... lovely send off. That was about 7 months after my mum died ... kids are 7,5&3... lots of dead... your dead !!! Dead dead dead ... when will I be dead?whe will you die .... blah blah blah ... we get new rabbit so other one not lonely ... I'm carrying it back to the hutch ... jumps out of my arms and onto the floor and breaks hind leg.
Took to vet.... needs to be PTS !!!! Only had fucking rabbit for3 days !!!

Told kids that the rabbit had to stay with the vet who looks after bunnies with broken legs. It had to be amputated so bunny with other bunnys like him!!!

We have da5 who is disabled so they got that !!! Now aged 9& 5 they still tell everyone about the rabbit who lives with the vet !!!!

I feel bad but just too much death all at once for them to process without damage or fear!

[whyohwhy000]

That calamari are Italian onion rings.

[finova]

I sometimes but oats in tights or tied in a muslin in the bath for DC, (great for dry skin).

They absolutely love squeezing out bowls full of 'oat milk', and are convinced I use this to make porridge in the morning!

[HardToDeal]

DD has a cuddle toy that goes everywhere with her. I bought it in a special offer so when it became clear she was attached to it I couldn't find another one to keep as a spare. Two years later, with said cuddly still her bosom buddy, the offer rolled around again and I bought a new one, only this one was obviously fluffy and new whereas the old one looked like it had been run over by a steamroller. I made a big show of putting the old one in the washing machine (where the new one was already hidden under other stuff) and saying I had special powder that made cuddly toys like new. Put the machine on and out comes a lovely fluffy new toy! Then I hid the old one waiting until the new one was equally battered.

Fast forward to this week. DD has been playing outside at nursery and toy has got lost. No panic as it must be somewhere on the premises but it's dark and hard to see outside so we have to go home without it. I hope I can jolly her along but at home she gets upset missing the toy so I get the old one out of his hiding place. Of course she now interrogates me as only 3 year old can about where he came from so I told her one of the ladies from nursery found him and brought him round, then she asked me where she found him - the gestapo had nothing on her!

Then the next day going into nursery I was sweating in case he'd been found and was sitting out proudly when she carried the first one in..luckily they were happy to go along with my story and when the other one was found it got passed to me like mobsters passing suitcases of money to each other in secret! Then I washed the second one when she was out of the house and now he's hidden away!

[HurtleTurtle30]

That the security sensor lights in the corner of the room were monitored by Father Christmas and every time they flashed red he was monitoring behaviour for the naught or nice list!

[g1ng3rcat]

If you say you picked up a child-discovered wine bottle in the street to stop passing animals cutting themselves on it, that's not really a lie is it? ;)

[MakeTeaNotWar]

Whenever I'm eating something that I don't want to share - crisps, sweets etc - I tell the DC that they're really hot and spicy and offer them an apple instead!

[Donthate]

When my Ds was very little he was a real handful so I told him that whenever the red light flashed on our motion sensors it meant that Father Christmas was watching. It worked a treat. Every time he misbehaved his eyes would flick up to the sensor. I would wave my arms madly behind him and hey presto he would stop in his tracks.