Tell me, Count Olaf, the lies you've told your children - chance to win £300 voucher NOW CLOSED

[CountOlaf]

My dear MNers,

It is I, Count Olaf. Those fools charming fellows at MNHQ have temporarily allowed me to take the reins, and while I have them, I propose that - rather than your usual milksop fare (driveway parking, houmous, and whatnot) - we discuss something rather more meaty.

I want you to tell me the terrible lies you have told your DCs.

By 'lie' I mean, of course, an intentionally false statement - rather like the fiendish zinger I have (thus far) got away with telling those wretched Baudelaire orphans, following the tragic (boo hoo ) death of their darling Ps: that is, that I have their very best interests at heart, and certainly did not become their guardian with the sole intention of getting my hands on their sizeable inheritance. To which end, I have, as some of you may already be aware, developed a suite of cunning disguises to prevent them from wriggling from my grasp.

So do tell - what are the magnificent lies you have told your DCs. Maybe you've told them a single bed has plenty of room for 3 DCs to share? Or that rocks are toys? Share your devious methods below and I will reward one of you with a £300 voucher...but only one of you, of course: life isn’t fair!

Yours ingeniously,

Count Olaf

Standard Insight T&Cs Apply

[HamletsSister]

Most children hate sugar and sweets naturally. But grown ups who feed them sweets and sugar are slowly trying to drug and poison children into compliance. Children need to rebel against this by eating vegetables to show adults who is boss.

[g1ng3rcat]

When my DD was 3 or 4 and played up, I told her the only reason I hadn't taken her back to the baby shop was, I lost the receipt. It was years later when she told me she'd actually taken it seriously!

[InvisibleKittenAttack]

parsnips give you 'rocket trumps' - so they definately shouldnt eat the roast parsnips we have with Sunday lunch or they'll be blasting to the ceiling from their farts. Generally both children will start shovelling in parsnips after that.

[GardeningWithDynamite]

The trees that have the cages around them to protect them are actually "dangerous trees" that are kept in cages to prevent them from chasing after you.

We always look out for "dangerous trees" now.

[Pillowaddict]

"It's the middle of the night" when it's maybe six am (or sometimes 7 in winter!!) and still dark out and I really would prefer not to be up yet!

[Booklover123]

For more than 1 year when dc were small, advent calendars would start here on December 2nd so come Christmas Eve it was really December 23in on our advent calendars!! No 4a.m early starts for us on the Big Day and dc still had their Christmas stockings and never questioned their 1more day on their calendars!! I had witnessed too many christmas days from my nephews ruined by exhausted parents and kids!

[Wheresthattomoibabber]

We told DD thar buttocks were actually called truttocks. She called them that for years.

[Sleepysausage]

Raisins and bran flakes are sweets and you only get them if you're very very well behaved, they love them!

[AtSea1979]

I told DD her beloved pet stick insects were hibernating.

[ImNotReallyReal]

As others have said...

You know it's a true fact that the sensors on the intruder alarms that flash a red motion detection light are my personal direct line to Father Christmas. Oh yes they really are. Father Christmas look here, look now, can you see this?

We're actually Muslim but Christmas is a big event for the children. It only seems to work once the advent calendars are out but at least it's a month of relative peace 🎄

[morethemerrier]

That its illegal to put your window down whilst you are on the motorway.

This has taken out two elements which cause me stress, the noise the windows make if one isn't quite closed and the possibility of any of my 4 kids (all are believers) of losing/throwing anything out of the windows whilst travelling at speed!

[kateandme]

a few about santa.
a few about not hearing ice cream van
a few about carrots helping see in dark haha
crusts make them big and strong
that the man didn't have what they wanted so I got them the healthier ooption or cheaper!
that mum and dad want to go to bed as they are soooooooooo tiiiired so we all must go to bed too

[OhIfIMust]

I told my 4 year old that if he kept lying down on our bench while eating at mealtimes that food would come out of his ears. He stopped lying down but DID inform his entire pre-school class of the dangers.

[SouthWestmom]

My children genuinely believed I had eyes in the back of my head to the extent that they looked for them if I was small hand level. What they didn't know was that I was just making exceptional use of mirrors and reflections in windows.

[HMF1]

When DS1 Was about 3 we let him try some of the Badoit mineral water we were drinking, he didnt like it, from then on if he was offered a fizzy drink we would tell him it was fizzy like Badoit which he didn't like. He wouldnt have a fizzy drink till he was a out 8.

[GruffaloPants]

The computer has no battery.
There are no new episodes of shimmer and shine.
We need batteries before we can play with that.
We don't have any paint.

[OhHolyFuck]

Vapour trails in the sky - Santa excising the reindeer and having a peek at your behaviour

[DoItTooJulia]

The old ones are always the best. The ice cream van only plays his
Music when they've run out. Every child must be told that, surely!

[Couchpotato3]

If you press the hazard button in the car, it calls the Police.

[Couchpotato3]

The motors on the electric windows in the car are very fragile, and will break if you put them down and up more than once.

[123julie321]

Me and DH sometimes tell our daughter "false statements" just for the hilarity when she believes us.

I once sarcastically told her that I can turn the rain and sunshine on and off when I want. She believed me. She gets in a huff when me when it's raining and she wants to go out and play.

When she asked me how the radio makes sound, I told her that a little man is trapped inside. Every time the radio is on she peers inside and pretends she can see the little man...

[Whattocallbabyboy]

Just Santa and tooth fairy!

[amysmummy12345]

When DD Amy wants to go to the soft play at an inconvenient time I tell her its shut for cleaning because a boy has thrown up in the ball pit and reach one had to be washed in turn, taking hours! Funnily, she avoids the ball pit whenever we do visit 😂

[LiveLifeWithPassion]

That mums have a sensory ability that let's them know when their children are lying.
Oh no, dd, of course there's no tomatoes in that meal. It's just pizza sauce.
I lied loads about the tooth fairy, just so I could drag it on for as long as I could. 'Me and daddy? Don't be silly. Why would we put money under your pillow? We d just give it to you!' I think ds now just humours us and colludes for the sake of younger dc.

[CombineBananaFister]

If you wiggle your body and wave your arms at bowling when you release the ball, it makes your ball go faster/better

It still tickles me now to see DS dancing, Flailing his arms about, jumping up and down and 'geeing' up his ball through sheer will at the Bowling alley ha ha. Ahh, small things!