Tell me, Count Olaf, the lies you've told your children - chance to win £300 voucher NOW CLOSED

[CountOlaf]

My dear MNers,

It is I, Count Olaf. Those fools charming fellows at MNHQ have temporarily allowed me to take the reins, and while I have them, I propose that - rather than your usual milksop fare (driveway parking, houmous, and whatnot) - we discuss something rather more meaty.

I want you to tell me the terrible lies you have told your DCs.

By 'lie' I mean, of course, an intentionally false statement - rather like the fiendish zinger I have (thus far) got away with telling those wretched Baudelaire orphans, following the tragic (boo hoo ) death of their darling Ps: that is, that I have their very best interests at heart, and certainly did not become their guardian with the sole intention of getting my hands on their sizeable inheritance. To which end, I have, as some of you may already be aware, developed a suite of cunning disguises to prevent them from wriggling from my grasp.

So do tell - what are the magnificent lies you have told your DCs. Maybe you've told them a single bed has plenty of room for 3 DCs to share? Or that rocks are toys? Share your devious methods below and I will reward one of you with a £300 voucher...but only one of you, of course: life isn’t fair!

Yours ingeniously,

Count Olaf

Standard Insight T&Cs Apply

[Soubriquet]

lesbian is a breed of cat!

I just have the usual lies

Mummy has no pennies left

Park is closed

Phone doesn't work

Toy needs new batteries

Best one was some butternut squash spagetthi. Dd saw it and pulled a face with yuck. Told her it was mermaid hair spagetthi and all of a sudden it was delicious to eat and she ate every bite

[Hygellig]

DH is quite foul-mouthed and I'm sorry to say that by the age of six DS knew most swear words. We said "at least he doesn't know the c-word." So of course when he heard that, he begged and begged to learn it. We ended up telling him that it is "cilt" (pronounced kilt - sorry Scottish people - should have thought of a totally made up word) and now he is convinced that this is the rudest word in the English language. Not my finest parenting hour, although none of the real swear words have come from me. We have drummed it into him that he must never swear in public.

[IonaAilidh11]

when kids were young and the nights got lighter, we closed the blinds so they thought it was late, made bedtime easier
also same trick with the ice cream van, music plays when they have sold out

[MiddleClassProblem]

DD is only just 2 so only one regular one which is that when she is calling daddy after she's gone to bed I have to tell her he's on the loo and that's why he can't come. It's the only thing she will let him off for.

[Theimpossiblegirl]

At sleepovers I would provide a 'midnight feast' at around 10pm in the hope they would then go to sleep. It worked the first few times but they soon cottoned on.

[RueDeDay]

Santa only delivers toys to houses where there's enough space to store them... Makes a pre-xmas clear out much easier!

[AndNowItsSeven]

The burglar alarm sensor in the living room is actually a camera monitored by elves in the North Pole.

[Offred]

I don't ever lie to my children. Sometimes I have wondered if I should lie about some things that are going on - pets dying, my health, their dads etc but always come back to the idea that I would be a hypocrite expecting them to be honest if I lied to them for convenience. I tell them age appropriate truths. I'd never lie about being skint or places being closed or the ice cream van music etc, strikes me as quite disrespectful and also doesn't teach your children reality which is that sometimes you don't get things you want because you shouldn't have them/there are negative consequences/it isn't appropriate.

[EwanWhosearmy]

My dc are in their late 20s/early 30s. The eldest was "spirited" from an early age so we told her the chimney man took naughty children (somehow based on the Water Babies). We then made the mistake of taking her to the Sweeps Festival and she was horrified to see how many Chimney Men there were.

For many many years the comment "OK then, I'll just call the Chimney Man" stopped the worst behaviour from all of them.

At a recent Parenting Course they were a bit and said they didn't recommend it as a child raising tool.

[FlouncingInAWinterWonderland]

Lots of food related lies...

Mummy, is this lamb like the lambs we just bottle fed? No, it's a Sunday roast darling.

Mummy, is this lasagne - I don't like lasagne? No sweetie, it's cheese topped pasta pie.

[SuperFlyHigh]

I was thinking I was never lied to but yellow lines we used to call yellow Lions and believed for ages that lions would get us...

The wooden bridge in the park over a lake with rocks, parents convinced us that it was indeed a troll bridge so we ran over it...

That wombles lived on Wimbledon common - we used to try to find them.

All told by mum.

[SussexBonfireViking]

I told my DC that the ice cream van was the injection man, 1 day he came home and said

Mum did you know that the injection man sells ice cream??

[AndNowItsSeven]

Tuna pasta was chicken dd only realised at age 16.

[SussexBonfireViking]

I also tell them I am a stunt double for angelina Jolie (I'm blonde and a size 14)

[Dsiso]

My son was told (by me) that girls don't poo. Then a girl at his his school (age 7) farted. 'How can she fart but not poo?' he asked. 'Magic wind' I replied. I think now he's turning 9 this year, he is still unsure, some girls definitely poo, but not his mother!

[NettleTea]

my son was around 6 and lost one of his teeth but was devastated because it fell into the sink and went down the plughole.
I told him that I would take the U bend apart when he was at school so that he would still be able to put the tooth under his pillow for the tooth fairy that night, but in reality I just got an old one of his sister's that I had kept in a small envelope in a drawer and gave him that one.
On a similar theme I had the tooth fairy write him a note saying she had been overwhelmed by lost teeth and that was why she was a day late on another occassion

[Shakey15000]

We told DS as a toddler that if he told a fib, a blue spot would appear at the end of his tongue that only Mummy and Daddy could see. Worked a treat and great fun though he wasn't best pleased when he found out

[NettleTea]

My daughter once had the tantrum from hell in a restaurant while on holiday because she fancied the sound of Lemon Meringue Pie, despite never having ever had it, and they had run out. We now know she has ASD/PDA which explains the complete meltdown that followed, and we had been lucky enough to have never experienced anything like that before, and my partner had to take himself to the bar while the waitress looked on in a horrified manner
In the end I got them to get her a lemon cake and put squirty cream on top and tell her that it was the Lemon Meringue Pie and chef had just made her some, and the hysteria stopped immediately, much to everyones relief

[BathshebaDarkstone]

Worra

[voyager50]

One that was told to me by my Dad was - "You don't need your dummy any more but the baby ducks do!"

I threw it to them and never wanted it back myself as I knew the ducklings were using it!

I think I may use this lie too!

[MycatsaPirate]

When they were younger every meal was chicken. Even if it was pork or beef.

Because they only liked chicken.

Got away with that for years!

[foolserrand]

That mums cannot get to 30. They hit 29 and whizz straight back to 25 at the next birthday. Worked until dc1 told his teacher, who laughed. Lots.

[RamsayBoltonsConscience]

You have to get special permission from the Queen to get a drum kit.

[Kleptronic]

That there is a shade of blue called finnyaddy blue. I have no reason at all for this random untruth.

[Badders123]

Not me, but my beloved late dad convinced me and my sister that the first lines of "Chiquita" by Abba were;
"Take your teeth out, tell me what's wrong....."

We only realised years later when doing karaoke 🎤😂
I think I've done all the usual - music means ice cream van has run out of ice cream, the soft play is only open when he is at school, Coca Cola tastes of sadness