Tell me, Count Olaf, the lies you've told your children - chance to win £300 voucher NOW CLOSED

[CountOlaf]

My dear MNers,

It is I, Count Olaf. Those fools charming fellows at MNHQ have temporarily allowed me to take the reins, and while I have them, I propose that - rather than your usual milksop fare (driveway parking, houmous, and whatnot) - we discuss something rather more meaty.

I want you to tell me the terrible lies you have told your DCs.

By 'lie' I mean, of course, an intentionally false statement - rather like the fiendish zinger I have (thus far) got away with telling those wretched Baudelaire orphans, following the tragic (boo hoo ) death of their darling Ps: that is, that I have their very best interests at heart, and certainly did not become their guardian with the sole intention of getting my hands on their sizeable inheritance. To which end, I have, as some of you may already be aware, developed a suite of cunning disguises to prevent them from wriggling from my grasp.

So do tell - what are the magnificent lies you have told your DCs. Maybe you've told them a single bed has plenty of room for 3 DCs to share? Or that rocks are toys? Share your devious methods below and I will reward one of you with a £300 voucher...but only one of you, of course: life isn’t fair!

Yours ingeniously,

Count Olaf

Standard Insight T&Cs Apply

[ThenBellaDidSomethingVeryKind]

Every single car/tractor/bus/Thomas (the ones outside supermarkets that cost 50p for a 'ride' ) in the whole world is out of order.

[foxessocks]

I have literally just told my dd that bubbles don't work in the snow because she wanted to blow bubbles in the garden and I didn't want to go back outside in the cold!! I'm so mean...

[amrobe]

I ask my daughter if she's brushed her teeth before bed and if she lies that she has, I can get her toothbrush tested to see whether she has actually done it or not. Got that one from Uncle Buck, works like a charm!

[BeeMyBaby]

When DD1 was not being the nicest to her best friend, the mother had words with me, so I told DD1 that someone in her class had told me and they would tell me if she kept acting like that.

[herebehippos]

I don't tell my children lies. I do have mummy magic that allows me to know if they are lying and to carry out all kinds of tricks like creating invisible fairy wings and I am personally friends with a dragon who lives on a beach and eats fish and people who drop litter. My parents though, much like you olaf they lied to their children. I'm not sure which was the worst. Maybe when they told me, a child who had vowed to never eat fish again in protest of a younger brothers very existence, that a particularly horrible rice and tuna dish was in fact sea chicken surprise, and that sea chicken was chicken which lived out its lives on the foreshore, chained to a spike on the beach eating seaweed, and swimming in the waves, then, when the farmer was ready to sell the chicken, he'd shorten their chains so that they drowned when the tide came in, giving them a fishy taste. I knew they were lying but it took 2 years of sneaking and riffling through bins to prove it by triumphantly presenting them with the empty tuna can as they served up yet another helping of "sea chicken surprise." Their defense that that was the surprise was not well received.

[pa2539]

That if you swallow apple pips, a tree grows in your belly.

The alarm sensors link directly to father christmas so if it flashes hes watching

The policemam will come and put tou in jail if you dont fasten your car seat.

Ooo im an awful mum arent it? ☺

[RupertsMum2]

"it must be in the loft".

Ds3 (10.5) has always hated parting with anything. If he had his way all his toys, clothes and equipment from the last 10 years, along with every picture, craft or model he's ever made, would still be in his bedroom. As the youngest of 3 he has the smallest bedroom and all the hand-me-downs so we have to clear it out fairly regularly. When he asks for an item we no longer have I claim it's in the loft. Eventually he's going to wonder why the ceiling hasn't caved in.

[del2929]

upon forgetting to put money under DC pillow one time when she lost her tooth i had to pretend i did and that it must have fallen behind her bed......

[BringItOn2017]

I work 3 days a week and DS5 has this fair point completely unrealistic idea if I don't go to work why should he have to go to school. So two days a week I pretend I am going in late and will leave early to pick him up. This is escalating now he's older when he realised I was wearing jeans instead of work clothes so now he also believes my work has two dress down days every week!!!!

[asuwere]

I do occasionally say that softplays/toy shops are closed when they're not and I just don't want to go but don't want to be the bad person saying no!

I did tell them once that the pasta I was eating was in fact octopus tentacles so they wouldn't pester me to get some (they were having something I don't like) The pasta was creste di gallo, which kinda resembles octopus suckers if you really trust the person telling you! Sadly it didn't work completely as the DC did still want to try it (other than DS1 who refused!) Apparently octopus tastes like pasta!

[Grandma14]

In the 70's , some people still used paraffin heaters, as there was no mains gas where we lived.
My then toddler was told that the ice cream man, playing his tune, was the paraffin delivery man....and she believed that until she was tall enough to see out of the high windows and could then see her friends across the street buying ice lollies!

[Coffeechick]

That naughty children live at the rubbish dump and if you're were very naughty , parents put their kids in the bin outside to go the dump and they were then given new good kids :(

[oliveoyl72]

I used to tell him that I had cameras videoing in every room of the house, so he'd better behave, and if he didn't I'd show the video to Nan/Father Christmas.

[JulesJules]

Polar bears come from Poland

Naughty children have to live in the garage with the spiders

[Efferlunt]

Yes they do sell chocolate breakfast cereal in the shops, and yes daddy does sometimes buy it but unfortunately there is a law that prevents the supermarket selling it to mummies. Only daddies can buy it.

[JulesJules]

Sometimes the Tooth Fairy can't make it the first night if she's had a glass of wine and forgotten so you have to leave your tooth under the pillow the next night. Also she knows if you lost your tooth at school and the teacher forgot to give it back to you in the little envelope, you can just leave a note under your pillow

[ILoveMyCaravan]

One of my nipples is very obviously inverted (has always been this way). My youngest DC noticed this from a very early age and asked why they were different. I said that it had dropped off and rolled under the bed and I couldn't find it. he still gets anxious when I'm hoovering in the bedroom 😂

[possumgoddess]

I thought EVERYONE did this - but maybe not? I told my 2 DDs that Mums could see around corners, so I always knew when they were doing something naughty.... This came about when I left my 5 year old in the sitting room for a few minutes on her own, and came back to find a perfect handprint on the plain green carpet, in chalk, about a 5 year old's hand size. Oh, and she had a piece of chalk in her hand. I asked her whether she had done it and (of course) she said no - so I told her I could see around corners so I knew she had done it.

[Strawberrybonbons16]

6yo was puzzled as to how the windscreen wash ended up spraying on the car windscreen to clean it. I told him you had to say the magic word, which DP confirmed was sheesh kebab, he spent the whole journey home saying sheesh kebab and I spent the whole journey trying to remember to turn the wipers on!

[TrollTheRespawnJeremy]

My mum told my Dc that she's 21... They're clever kids and know that I am in my 30's but they've never questioned it.

It always looks quite unusual when they're doing family projects at school!

I myself am guilty of telling them that if they don't go for a haircut then it will get too heavy and fall out. They don't fancy being bald so it has worked thus far...

[Decemberrat]

McDonalds Happy Meal toys can only stay for a week, then they have to go back to McDonalds to be given to another child.

[tooneedyme]

I go to swimming lessons each week like he does (I get an hours peace to have a lovely swim), I buy cake that tastes like bananas (he doesnt like bananas so I get to eat it all!

[UpOnDown]

That chocolate is only for grown ups.

[WowOoo]

It seems I'm not the only one who has said that places like soft play have strange opening hours and are often loses on Saturday mornings.

[Mybeautifullife1]

I told mine that teddy bear "ham" was mad from unloved teddy bears and tasted of sadness.