Tell me, Count Olaf, the lies you've told your children - chance to win £300 voucher NOW CLOSED

[CountOlaf]

My dear MNers,

It is I, Count Olaf. Those fools charming fellows at MNHQ have temporarily allowed me to take the reins, and while I have them, I propose that - rather than your usual milksop fare (driveway parking, houmous, and whatnot) - we discuss something rather more meaty.

I want you to tell me the terrible lies you have told your DCs.

By 'lie' I mean, of course, an intentionally false statement - rather like the fiendish zinger I have (thus far) got away with telling those wretched Baudelaire orphans, following the tragic (boo hoo ) death of their darling Ps: that is, that I have their very best interests at heart, and certainly did not become their guardian with the sole intention of getting my hands on their sizeable inheritance. To which end, I have, as some of you may already be aware, developed a suite of cunning disguises to prevent them from wriggling from my grasp.

So do tell - what are the magnificent lies you have told your DCs. Maybe you've told them a single bed has plenty of room for 3 DCs to share? Or that rocks are toys? Share your devious methods below and I will reward one of you with a £300 voucher...but only one of you, of course: life isn’t fair!

Yours ingeniously,

Count Olaf

Standard Insight T&Cs Apply

[ladymadonna1]

When my nine month old screams in the backseat of the car, I say "We're almost there, sweetheart; no need to cry!" In reality we are still miles away from our destination, but soothing him helps me to feel better.

[slbhill42]

the ice cream van plays a tune when it's run out. oh how sad
:-D

[sjl19]

The ice cream man plays the music to let people know he's run out of ice cream!

[scoobygirly]

Probably the most obvious one, the light on the alarm sensor is Father Christmas watching to see if your being good!

[star1000]

The tooth fairy must have been really busy last night which is why she didn't get round to you, I'm sure she'll visit your bed to collect your tooth tonight!

(Oops mummy forgot!!)

[OsMalleytheCat]

My best one is....paw patrol doesn't work on mummy's tv

[rachelmi]

I once told my son that all the Easter eggs had gone when he asked for some chocolate long after Easter. Sadly I had been nibbling away for weeks!!

[allsorts4444]

When the ice cream van plays the music it means he's run out :)

[raspberryfluff]

I am guilty of telling my son that my food is spicy, just so that he won't want to eat some!

Also, my hubby's grandparents had an amazing one - when the ice cream man used to come playing his music, they'd tell him it was the fish man, coming to sell fish haha!

[Julieguy]

My sister used to tell me that my teddies would come alive and hurt me if I was ever mean to them or didn't sit them on the window seat nicely before I go to bed. I still sit my kids teddies on the floor nicely before they go to bed.

My lies are the usual tooth fairy/Father Christmas. The shops, park or anywhere is closed because it's too late.

[mamof3boys]

Lots that I can remember and probably loads more that I can't!

• The obvious ones like santa/fairies/unicorns exist!
  
• that when the ice-cream van plays music it means they've run out
  
• that I'll take them to school naked if they don't get dressed
  
• that there's no vegetables in the pasta sauce!
  
• that thing that looks like an onion is just different coloured meat
  

-
I can't remember what else but there's bound to be more

[kelliec]

Motorway services are dirty and have rats so we can't stop at them!

[towser44]

Your best friend will be asleep now (when she is protesting about going to sleep).

[overtherainbow1]

My (then) 4yo dd had the common and disgusting habit of picking her nose and eating it. To solve the problem I tried it all: explaining, reasoning, begging- to no avail.

But then, my fellow fabricators, I devised a solution so dastardly, yet so ingenious, I cackle with glee at the mere memory of her disgusted face as she contemplated spreading slimy snot and chewy bogeys onto her bread before eating it.

At this point I will let you in on a secret, "dramatic irony "as Lemony Snickett cared to explain it, because in fact, what I was offering her was not indeed the contents of several noses and sinus'. It was in fact, apple sauce. I told my repulsed daughter that as she loved the taste of her bogeys so much, I had made a special trip to a specialist witches supermarket to treat her to a lovely jar of them. I said that I hated to see her pick her pretty nose, as if she did it too much it would start to bleed and fall off. There were plenty of people in this world wearing false noses because of this childhood habit, and if you looked at peoples faces very carefully you could sometimes see the glue round the edges holding their noses on.

She declined my invitation of a bogey sandwich most vehemently, with cries of "Ewww" and I asked her in tones of disbeiff, why ever was she refusing my offer, for I had travelled for hours to get her this delicious delicacy, and said that surely she should be grateful! She replied that eating bogeys was disgusting, and so I asked her why on earth she eats her own then. I said that her snot was dirty, but the jarred snot had been boiled at aot temperature to kill the germs, so these were a much better choice.

I informed her that if I caught her with her finger lodged up her nasal passage again I would go to the kitchen and fetch the jar for her consumption instead. I am pleased to say it stopped her yucky habit once and for all.

MWAH HAHAHAAHAHAHA

[bugzie92]

That Santa is watching him in July! that he can paint tomorrow instead of RIGHT NOW as he demands... he doesn't remember that I porky pied though!

[PeggyMitchell123]

The cars you put a £1 into move for 2 mins in our local town are always broken, as is the one at soft play.

I tell my son all the time I left my purse at home.

[farhanac]

After hearing older kids talk about the new President at school, I told her that everything was going to be OK.

[onceyoupop]

When our DS was younger (3 or 4 years I expect), he was desperate for a pet dog. I said that we could definitely get one, so long as it didn't have a bottom, as I didn't like the idea of poop. He was fully on board (for about 2 years), at which point he noticed that EVERY dog had a bottom and thought my rule was a bit unfair...

[FlukeSkyeRunner]

A fairly common one - a friend told his kids the ice cream van plays music when it has run out of ice cream...

We call cauliflower 'white brocolli' which instantly makes it more palatable ;)

[mellyjt]

That the shop has run out of football stickers and cards as it gets expensive

[KnottedAnchorChief]

That ice cream vans only play tunes when they've run out of ice cream.

[tabbaz123]

OK - I do confess to giving all the vegetables names and purpose! Peas are brain food to help study (hence the name pea brain is flattering and not nasty) carrots are good for eyes AND teeth that is why rabbits love them so much....Runner beans really are great for runners and sports day etc ....

[BillyButtfuck]

No no, little one, mummy and daddy were just playing rollercoasters with no clothes on

[funkypyjamas]

Whenever we have turkey we call it chicken because apparently DS doesn't like turkey.
We must have the most unreliable sky box in the world because it only seems to work for about half an hour each day, unless we need to get on with some work around the house: then it miraculously manages to show an entire film.

[EvieSparkles0x]

"Peppa is sleeping, she can't come to the TV right now"

"The electric guitar toy nanny kindly got you for Christmas is too tired to make any more noise"

DD is only 16 months sso we're pretty limited so far!