Tell me, Count Olaf, the lies you've told your children - chance to win £300 voucher NOW CLOSED

[CountOlaf]

My dear MNers,

It is I, Count Olaf. Those fools charming fellows at MNHQ have temporarily allowed me to take the reins, and while I have them, I propose that - rather than your usual milksop fare (driveway parking, houmous, and whatnot) - we discuss something rather more meaty.

I want you to tell me the terrible lies you have told your DCs.

By 'lie' I mean, of course, an intentionally false statement - rather like the fiendish zinger I have (thus far) got away with telling those wretched Baudelaire orphans, following the tragic (boo hoo ) death of their darling Ps: that is, that I have their very best interests at heart, and certainly did not become their guardian with the sole intention of getting my hands on their sizeable inheritance. To which end, I have, as some of you may already be aware, developed a suite of cunning disguises to prevent them from wriggling from my grasp.

So do tell - what are the magnificent lies you have told your DCs. Maybe you've told them a single bed has plenty of room for 3 DCs to share? Or that rocks are toys? Share your devious methods below and I will reward one of you with a £300 voucher...but only one of you, of course: life isn’t fair!

Yours ingeniously,

Count Olaf

Standard Insight T&Cs Apply

[WeedlesHatOfDisappointment]

I've told ds that the tv knows when he is being naughty. So, for instance, if he knows Peppa Pig is on next, but he is being naughty, I switch channels as I distract him, to another channel, and tell him that if he is being naughty, the tv will know, and won't put on Peppa Pig for him. When a different programme comes on, he starts to behave. (Disclaimer, only works on channels where I know where ad breaks usually are)

[ipswichwitch]

When the DC were exhibiting some rather (ahem) trying behaviour in the shops in the run up to Christmas, I informed them (out of desperation really) that the big security camera was a Santa cam, and the red light meant he was watching and keeping note of any bad behaviour. It worked. A little too well. Now DS1 believes every small red light is santa watching, even the one on our motion sensor burglar alarm, which blinks whenever you walk past it (when alarm is not activated).

If he is misbehaving and sees the red light blink, he shrieks "Santa's watching!!" then runs over to say sorry!
DS2 (3yo) just yells "go away santa!"

[NotTheMrMenAgain]

If you unscrew your belly button your bum falls off.

It's become a bit of a family tradition - started by my lovely grandparents back in the 50's for reasons unknown.

My DF has always been slim, so with jeans on he looks like he has no bum. When DD was younger she believed as a child he'd unscrewed his belly button and his bum fell off. The hospital attached a replacement bum, but it was a bit on the small side, hence loose trousers.

DD would point out her DGFs bum as a cautionary tale

[LunaLoveg00d]

I told my kids that Easter Eggs have a much shorter shelf life than other sorts of chocolate and that therefore mummy was doing them a favour by polishing them off before they went bad.

[LaContessaDiPlump]

Thanks Worra, I love that one

When I went on holiday with family to a town in the middle of France, we had my cousin (aged 10) with us. Much as I love him, he is slow on the uptake and very gullible (less so as an adult but still a bit!). We told him that we'd all need vaccinations against the dreaded Baccaruda fish that lived in the central lake of the town (that we would all swim in), and a friend showed him her messy AF TB jab site and avowed that it was indeed from the baccaruda vacc. His little face

Being bad people, we did not leave it there (in my defence I was 15 and callous). We got to the town and he cautiously went for a few swims, all the while keeping an eye put for baccarudas. Then one day he was swimming back from the float in the middle of the lake and my aunt (his MUM) yelled 'Oh my god, a baccaruda!' and dived under the water to grab his leg. You have never seen anyone move so bloody fast in your life

We confessed to being terrible people once he'd made it to the shore and were especially nice to him (out of sheer guilt) for the rest of holiday. I think he may have forgiven us now, 20 years on!!

[LuxuryWoman2017]

Our motion sensors were also elves watching from the North Pole for good ad bad behaviour like a pp said.

She's a fussy eater my gal, and get weird notions about what she will and won't eat, decided to become a vegetarian (while still eating burgers, sausages, chicken etc) so when I served up meatballs one night and she said she couldn't eat them due to being a vegetarian I said 'Oh, don't worry, these are Swedish meatballs' I said no more than that so not really a lie but she accepted that these Swedish meatballs were somehow ok for a veggie. If she truly wanted to be a vegetarian that would be fine but not if you decide fish fingers and frankfurters are ok!

[Chippednailvarnishing]

I'm a habitual liar. There I've said it.

Everytime we go out DD (5) asks for something and I tell her she can have it for her birthday, knowing she won't remember the entire list of stuff for the next 6 months.

I've also told her she can only have two Christmas gifts as Santa can't hold too much in his sleigh.

[raspberryblush23]

Mummies only fart once a year . And that piece of chocolate or fizzy drinks have alcohol in them. If you're naughty then you flash up on Santa's huge screen. Everyone is assigned a tooth fairy- ours is the disorganised and forgetful one! I have a real life vampire friend .Also the gruffalo lives at the bottom of the lane in our street and will visit if you don't eat your meat!. So many... .

[LaContessaDiPlump]

God yeah, I'd forgotten - everything orange in our house is carrot, because DS2 likes carrots and will eat them. I tried to pass off onion as special white carrot once

Also 'don't worry darling, I've left all the yucky banana out of YOUR slice of banana cake'. Ha.

[GoodyGoodyGumdrops]

That we don t have any batteries in the house.

That I don't know where the TV remote is.

That the router is broken.

Generally, though, I find it better not to tell outright lies. Just be...economical...with the truth.

[EustaceClarenceScrubb]

I used to say that if they were taking too long to get ready for school in the morning, I would ring the Head and he would personally call round to collect them. That would make them hurry up!

I also used to say if they were bored/arguing a lot during the school holidays that I was going to take them up to school for a special holiday course in difficult maths to keep them occupied. They soon found something to amuse themselves.

[isseywithcats]

where my mom lived there were market garden type farms nearby and i told my daughter if she looked hard enough she would see the cabbage patch kids being born, told my oldest son that if he put his head out of the bus window that an invisible man with a big pair of scissors would cut his head off

[NoFucksImAQueen]

Ds1 is going through a fussy stage where he says he doesn't like anything new before he's even tried it. I made sweet chilli prawn noodles and the usual yuck I don't like it started.
So I told him that the prawns were baby unicorns horns, they fall off when they grow their big horn like how we lose baby teeth and if he ate them he might get magical powers and be able to fly
He did of course try them, love them and then go on constantly about how he wanted to fly and was excited to see if he'd be able to the next day etc etc. I felt so bad in the end I told him the truth

[SoHelpMeDog]

Dd1 was about 7 before she realised that Easter eggs had 2 halves!

[HELENSCRESCENT]

The malteaser sweets in a celebrations pack contain bits so they wouldn't like them and mummy will have to eat them all 😱

[FeelingSmurfy]

Toys come with batteries that can only be changed if you have a really special screwdriver and unfortunately nobody we know has one

Only grandma pennies work on the rides outside shops

[YourHandInMyHand]

That my meal is much too spicy for them and they wouldn't like it.

That every meat I serve up is chicken.

That I simply can't find the TV remote anywhere.

That I'm really not sure what happened to that last Easter Egg.

That I don't have the right sorts of pennies for the amusement rides that are parked in every blinking supermarket / soft play / child friendly eatery.

I'm really rather dishonest! Maybe I should set a better example.......

[peaceloveandbiscuits]

Plain oatcakes are biscuits. Raisins are sweets. Yoghurts are pudding. He's only two, so I haven't had to lie too much so far.

[Rosehips]

It's amazing how many kids activities and attractions round here have very limited and unusual opening hours :)

[peaceloveandbiscuits]

Nofucks I'm impressed at the creativity of the prawns/unicorn lie!

[SmallBee]

DD is three and becoming aware on monsters and gets a bit worried about them. I've explained that there is something much more scary than monsters, something so terrifying that the monsters are afraid and stay away, and that something is me. So as long as I'm around, no monsters dare darken our door.

[DangerousBeanz]

One year when my DS was very small I went oit on Christmas eve and came back in the early hours in a dreadful state. O still hadn't wrapped his Christmas presents and in my drunken stupor I just chucked them all under the tree unwrapped.
When D S cane down he asked me why father Christmas hadn't wrapped his presents and I told him that He was working with green peace in order to help save the environment and so wasn't using excess packaging that would just go until landfill and cause ecological damage. DS agreed about 6 nodded wisely and said how sensible that was.
Roll on 12 months of abuse and stick from family and friends about my outrageous behaviour and guilt causes me to indulge in the most elaborate gift wrapping ever. DS now7 and cynical asks what happened to father christmas's ecologicalpolicy. So I told him that it'd been unpopular because it caused elf unemployment and hardship do had been abandoned in favour of more recyclable wrapping paper.

[ZoSanDesu]

We tell DS that the ice creams are being saved for summertime, as otherwise he crazes us for one even on a day like today!

[ghostyslovesheets]

My mum convinced us that it was a treat to have posh sandwiches like the queen - crusts removed

She would serve them with great pomp - And we had to eat them little finger pointed up ...

Really she was just using mouldy bread! I found this out in my 20s

This is the same woman who convinced us she was the love of ringo starrs life as a teenager!

[TheCountessofFitzdotterel]

That Highland cattle were yaks.
Made walks in the country a smidgen more exciting.