Tell me, Count Olaf, the lies you've told your children - chance to win £300 voucher NOW CLOSED

[CountOlaf]

My dear MNers,

It is I, Count Olaf. Those fools charming fellows at MNHQ have temporarily allowed me to take the reins, and while I have them, I propose that - rather than your usual milksop fare (driveway parking, houmous, and whatnot) - we discuss something rather more meaty.

I want you to tell me the terrible lies you have told your DCs.

By 'lie' I mean, of course, an intentionally false statement - rather like the fiendish zinger I have (thus far) got away with telling those wretched Baudelaire orphans, following the tragic (boo hoo ) death of their darling Ps: that is, that I have their very best interests at heart, and certainly did not become their guardian with the sole intention of getting my hands on their sizeable inheritance. To which end, I have, as some of you may already be aware, developed a suite of cunning disguises to prevent them from wriggling from my grasp.

So do tell - what are the magnificent lies you have told your DCs. Maybe you've told them a single bed has plenty of room for 3 DCs to share? Or that rocks are toys? Share your devious methods below and I will reward one of you with a £300 voucher...but only one of you, of course: life isn’t fair!

Yours ingeniously,

Count Olaf

Standard Insight T&Cs Apply

that the tooth fairy gives extra pennies if you take your tooth out yourself (rather than squeemish mum having to do it)
That glitter was fairy dust , my eldest daughter was afraid of the dark and i told her that if i sprinkled fairy dust it would take her fear away .... and it worked :)
that baked beans were sunburned minions

Got to be Santa Claus, and how whatever Santa gets, mum and dad has to pay the bill after Christmas, DS is 12 now, and DD is 11, we seem to still be getting away with it.

The internal PIR sensors are cameras so Santa can watch and ensure good behaviour is occurring. (Works a treat!)

if they don't eat their vegetables the boogie man will come

"No, of course there's no mushrooms in the bolognese sauce!"
That's the main one :)

Loads and loads and loads! Carrots make you see in the dark and eating crusts will make your hair curly I remember being told when I was a kid.

Two spring to mind....

That you only have a certain number of words for use in your entire life, so you have to pick carefully when to use them talking or you'll use them all and you'll be a silent adult.

And...(a classic)

The ice cream man's chimes means he's run out of ice creams and has none left to sell.

What a great topic.

• The toothfairy only comes if you put your tooth on your dressing table.
• Father Christmas is watching you. I have on occasions rang him in front of the kids to tell him how they are behaving.
• Bowling is closed today (when it's not)
• Red fruit pastiles are bad for you, they don't taste very nice.
• Your brains will fall out if you pick your nose.

told all our DCs when aged 2 / 3 that they needed to hang their dummy on the christmas tree so santa would know they were a big boy or girl now and take it in exchange for presents

My daughters birthday is Dec 5th, I used to tell her people's Christmas lights on their houses were for her

They think they came out through my belly button.

Mummy's chocolate/crisps are really spicy!

That the tooth fairy was too busy to be able to come last night - lots of teeth had fallen out- but that she would definitely make it tonight (yes, we went to bed and forgot!)

The normal Santa, Tooth Fairy ones, but I have also told them that I don't have any money and the shop doesn't take cards so we can't buy any sweets or magazines.

Of course I instil in my DDs how honesty is the best policy so I hope they don't find out that all their toys that have 'gone on holiday' since Christmas and will be back soon are actually in the charity shop!

When I wanted to wean my son from his pacifier I told him that a bird had flown down to the garden and taken it. He believed me for several years until he found it whilst rummaging in my drawers several years later ( I had stashed it away in case he really could not manage without it). When he found it he immediately tried to use it again but of course he was far to big by then.

mummy knows best

My dad once told me that everything in Zanzibar was made of potatoes, everything - tvs, houses, clothes, people. And the only thing they could eat was potatoes. For some completely unknown reason I told dd the same . Why??? Even at 3 she didn't believe me, just as I hadn't believed my dad.

Everything practically - Santa/easter bunny/tooth fairy are real, there isn't any veg in that etc.

Also only daddy's card works in toys r us.

It's never anything bad and it does make me feel a bit guilty as we teach D.C. not to lie....

When my son was 2 he had a terrible ear infection and wouldn't take his medicine. He was obsessed with bin men at the time and there was a picture of a little boy on the bottle. I told him it was a picture of a bin man and he took his medicine no problem!

It was then known as bin man medicine

Said daddy forgot to pickup his wages! Changed clock when she knew how to tell the time for bed! Said certain things were for boys not girls!

If you pee in a swimming pool there's a special dye in the water that will turn red so everyone will know

Father Christmas......

I often tell my daughter I have no money, which is technically a lie, I do. I just don't have a lot and can't justify spending £30 on a tiny piece of plastic. Some toys are far too expensive for what you actually get so I just tell her i've got no money.

on New Years Eve, if they don't go to bed before midnight the man with 365 heads will get them!