Tell me, Count Olaf, the lies you've told your children - chance to win £300 voucher NOW CLOSED

[CountOlaf]

My dear MNers,

It is I, Count Olaf. Those fools charming fellows at MNHQ have temporarily allowed me to take the reins, and while I have them, I propose that - rather than your usual milksop fare (driveway parking, houmous, and whatnot) - we discuss something rather more meaty.

I want you to tell me the terrible lies you have told your DCs.

By 'lie' I mean, of course, an intentionally false statement - rather like the fiendish zinger I have (thus far) got away with telling those wretched Baudelaire orphans, following the tragic (boo hoo ) death of their darling Ps: that is, that I have their very best interests at heart, and certainly did not become their guardian with the sole intention of getting my hands on their sizeable inheritance. To which end, I have, as some of you may already be aware, developed a suite of cunning disguises to prevent them from wriggling from my grasp.

So do tell - what are the magnificent lies you have told your DCs. Maybe you've told them a single bed has plenty of room for 3 DCs to share? Or that rocks are toys? Share your devious methods below and I will reward one of you with a £300 voucher...but only one of you, of course: life isn’t fair!

Yours ingeniously,

Count Olaf

Standard Insight T&Cs Apply

I have no idea where that toy is, maybe you lost it? (after said toy has been taken to charity shop)

Well apart from the obvious ones tooth fairy, santa claus, easter bunny.

Eating greens will make you strong like the hulk

Ice cream man is all out today

Cartoon channel finishes at 8pm

Father Christmas doesn't come to our area until at least 6am.

My daughter never wants to leave the park so I tell her if we don't leave the gates will be locked and we will be stuck there until the next day! I tell her this at lunchtime but luckily at 2 she does believe me!!It's the only way we manage to leave without tantrums!

when the ice cream man plays his music, it means his run out of ice cream lol X

I told my children that lavender bed spray and the balm rubs are a magic spray that makes you fall asleep , it really helps them settle down

Father Christmas is the biggie!

loads of little white lies lol - santa won't come if you don't be good, I have no idea where that lovely model you made at school is ahem recycling bin, that when the ice cream man plays his music that means he has run out of ice cream and he's just letting people know not to stop him haha

When the ice cream man comes round & is ringing his bell it means he,s sold out

Too many to recall all of them... but my favourite one is 'If you don't brush your teeth correctly then the tooth fairy will not leave any money or take your dirty teeth away... :)

That McDonald's happy meal toys are prone to spontaneous combustion because they are made with such cheap plastic. This happens randomly overnight and sometimes they leave behind a sooty mark.
DS got suspicious after a few play dates with school friends so I then discovered that they are fine as long as the room temperature doesn't get too high. But sometimes I accidentally knock against the heat setting on the radiator with the hoover without noticing and everything goes poof.

I'm sure you'll all be reading about this on the stately homes thread in another few years or so.

That if the wind changes their faces will get stuck!

The Santa lie - that he actually exists and he watches us all through the motion sensors of the house alarm.

The Ice cream vans chimes - run out of ice cream today, sorry

That dad is allergic to any fruit or healthy vegetables and will be bed ridden if he eats them or get piles (which ever is worse)

Liqourice is only made to punish the 'bad' kids

Ah deep joy...

I told them "Only boring people get bored!"

Barney the Dinosaur brings presents on Christmas Day - she is terrified of Father Christmas!

I told my son that the scrambled eggs I served were scrambled chicken as he claimed not to like eggs and I told my DD if she didn't eat her dinners up she would end up with no boobs like me. Bit me on the butt though as she has DD's now and I still have none!

Wow - I have just told a whopper just this second!

My not so darling daughter is on a behaviour card (which I asked for) due to her not being quite so darling in school. She came home tonight saying that if she continues to shout out in lessons she will be given 'community service' but has flatly told the teacher she won't do it.

I told her I was signing her behaviour card (this part is true) to ask for today's late mark to be removed as the school bus arrived 20 minutes early and she needed to get public transport - as per the message I'd left that morning. What I didn't tell her was that I'd added in block letters "DD MUST ATTEND ANY COMMUNITY SERVICE THAT SHE IS INSTRUCTED TO DO". Leaving that as a little surprise for tomorrow.

For years eldest dd believed someone called the Egg Man came to mind her birthday presents when they were bought. I had to tell her this as she saw me buying in Smyths and wanted to know where they were. She only recently found out that she is the only one out of her friends that was lied to about the Egg Man.

I told my kids the shops are closed when their were open

Ohhhhh do I really need to admit them alllllllllll !!!!!!!!!!!

Ice cream van sounding the bell means only adults are allowed !

All I'm admitting to :)

That Santa/tooth fairy/Easter bunny exist. That the hamsters ran away (they ate each other)

We've told the ice cream van lie. He doesn't really believe me though.

Where do I start. Santa needs help to deliver presents that's why there are so many shops with a huge amount of toys and grottos full of Santa's helpers. Carrots help you see in the dark like a wolf (for my boys) and fairies for my daughter - after all who else looks after you in the dark. If you tell lies your nose grows. If you keep stealing the biscuits your teeth will fall off or even worse your hands will fall off. One of mine wouldn't eat red meat so I told him it was chicken that dyed itself red to look prettier. Broccoli is mini trees and they would grow up to be big and strong like big trees if they ate them. I hate to say it but the list is endless.

I told my kids that the chocolate in the fridge had gone off but it needed to be cold before I could throw it away as the bin men wouldn't take it if we put it in the bin and it melted.

The general Santa lies including getting the Santa app to say she's on the naughty list so she improved her behaviour to get on to the nice list