Tell me, Count Olaf, the lies you've told your children - chance to win £300 voucher NOW CLOSED

[CountOlaf]

My dear MNers,

It is I, Count Olaf. Those fools charming fellows at MNHQ have temporarily allowed me to take the reins, and while I have them, I propose that - rather than your usual milksop fare (driveway parking, houmous, and whatnot) - we discuss something rather more meaty.

I want you to tell me the terrible lies you have told your DCs.

By 'lie' I mean, of course, an intentionally false statement - rather like the fiendish zinger I have (thus far) got away with telling those wretched Baudelaire orphans, following the tragic (boo hoo ) death of their darling Ps: that is, that I have their very best interests at heart, and certainly did not become their guardian with the sole intention of getting my hands on their sizeable inheritance. To which end, I have, as some of you may already be aware, developed a suite of cunning disguises to prevent them from wriggling from my grasp.

So do tell - what are the magnificent lies you have told your DCs. Maybe you've told them a single bed has plenty of room for 3 DCs to share? Or that rocks are toys? Share your devious methods below and I will reward one of you with a £300 voucher...but only one of you, of course: life isn’t fair!

Yours ingeniously,

Count Olaf

Standard Insight T&Cs Apply

When he was bored when flying I used to tell him that it was up to him to get the plane to take off and land. The screws and buttons on the back of the seats and drop down tables needed to be pressed, poked and turned to help the pilot.

When my DD was little I took her dummies at night and hid them, when she woke and asked where they were I told her that her that I had sent to Santa to turn into toys. I waited for a tantrum. 'Oooh really, that means i've been a good girl, thanks Mammy'
Easiest thing I've ever done with her.

I do the usual, easter bunny, tooth fairy etc.

Santa i tell my 6yr old that our sensors in the house is a santacam and they flash red when he is watching more closely.
Presents are kept in the house and if shes been naughty they get taken away and she gets coal and an orange instead. This kind of worked. 2 years ago she wanted pie face and i told her that it was because she had been a bit naughty which is why santa didnt bring it (it was because it was sold out everywhere) She got it last xmas though because santa had seen her "behaviour" had improved.

That when the ice cream van plays a tune it means he has run out of ice cream!!

eating sprouts will make you big and strong

When the grand daughters wanted me to join in the fun at the indoor play centre I had to point to the sign that said "No grandmas allowed"

All the noisy toys are broken and there's none left in the shops.

When the Grandkids Rabbit died I told them that it had run away to live with some new friends that lived on a farm nearby.

only little ones like "I must have accidentally lost that bar of chocolate"!

Mcdonalds has been invaded by an army of rats and is closed for a while

When the kids are pestering me to go to the park on my only day off and i'm tired and lazy I tell them the park is closed because the park keepers have to tidy everything up!

it's the simple things like they won't get any ice cream if they are bad because it will melt away as soon as they are bad

That the cleaner keeps throwing out their drawings/pictures etc

Children that whine have to go to the workhouse. Actually, I'm not proud of that one.

Far too many; Father Christmas, Easter Bunny, Toothfairy etc. But we also lie to protect them as sometimes the truth is too much.

I've told them that the word Fib appears on the forehead if they're telling a lie and they have to lift their fringes up to show me if they're telling the truth or not and to be honest I have only passed this information onto them like I had it passed on from my Mother

I dont lie to my children, they get brutal honest truth!
including.. that picture doesn't look like mummy, it looks like a tree with arms!

My credit card only works in certain shops.

I told our son when he was younger that i had a friend in forensics who told me all the tricks of body language and facial expression so i can tell if he was telling the truth or a lie, even if he tried to keep a straight face.

He is 15 now, he knows its not true obviously, but when i tilt my head sideways and raise one eyebrow like i used to do to him when he was little he still bursts out laughing if its a lie.

When they found all the empty snail shells in her garden after she'd blitzed it with slug pellets, MIL told our kids it was because the snails had moved house!! DD is 16 and only just found out it wasn't true!

I have always tried not to lie to my children however i have now come to realise this is virtually impossible. I often tell little white lies to sort out arguments between them, or to get them to do something that they don't want to do. My children are extremely fussy eaters so often i will change the name of food to make them eat it - steak pie is known as apple pie, cauliflower is known as magic broccoli :-) it has back fired when y son asked nanny for apple pie for dinner and she explained how you can't have apple pie for dinner as thats a pudding haha

My husband is 5 years younger than me but for years, I told my daughter it was the other way around! She only found out last year.

so so many. dried herbs are actually seeds, so you can plant them. mold on bread is good for you,

The easter bunny doesn't bring chocolate to naughty children, another one I used - I have not got my purse with me today!

That the toothfairy must have been ill when she forgot to swap DD's tooth for a pound coin and that i'm sure she'd come the next night instead - had to set an alarm to make sure I didn't forget again!!