Should you know where your 11 year old is at all times? £2 charity donation for every answer

[AnnMumsnet]

We've been working with the charity Railway Children with the help of Aviva and they would like to know how you tackle the difficult balance of keeping your children safe and giving them enough freedom.

In particular they'd like to know:

Our ability to keep in touch with where our children are and what they are doing is greater than ever because of mobiles, but as we relax our hold on them and allow them to have greater independence how can we ensure that they stay safe and make the right decisions?

At what age do you allow your children more freedom and independence and what parameters do you set them?

What discussions do you have with your children about safe behaviour, safe people and safe places to encourage them to keep safe when they are away from the home?

Aviva have kindly agreed that they will donate £2 to Railway Children for every valid comment posted on this thread (up to a maximum of 3 times per user). Railway Children work with UK children who have run away from home and end up living on the streets. Part of their work focuses on preventative education, encouraging children to think and talk about safe people and safe places to help them to make the correct decisions when they are away from the home. You can find out more about the charity and more ways to get involved here

thanks MNHQ

PS please note your comments may be used on the Railway Children pages on MN as well as elsewhere.

I don't know where my 11 year old is at all times. For example when she is at school, she's not allowed a mobile phone and I don't know her timetable by heart, so she could be anywhere in the school. When she is at friends houses she may go to the park or swimming pool and I will not know exactly where she is. In such instances I phone friend's parents if I need to find her. Should someone be phoning social services on me? When I was 11 I was allowed to wander local woodlands, cycle around or get bus to shops etc. I don't know at what point this became unusual as certainly I wasn't the most mature or sensible of my peer group and I was not the most free-ranging of the children I knew of the same age.

I don't have an 11 year old, but like others have said (and I haven't read all 9 pages!) getting kids to the point of being able, at 11 to be sensible about their freedom/ responsibility is a gradual process.

My main worry is the roads. My older dd is quite sensible, but the younger one just crosses when other people go, and I worry hugely about her.

I have told my dc very clearly about going off even with a family friend in a car being an absolute never. You always ask mum first.

Having a mobile phone seems to me to be a ticket to going further than the immediate neighbourhood, so for that reason I am not giving one until they are 10.

They like to be accompanied to the park, as they want an adult there in case they fall off any of the play equipment.

When we moved here, we went round together and looked at how far they were allowed to go in each direction. Where they would have to stop to cross a road, which roads they were not allowed to cross, and they are quite good at sticking to it, but that is because their patch is quite big.

My DS is 11 and is about to start travelling to/from school alone. This involves a tube journey and short walk both ends. He understands very well how the tube works so I am not worried about that, and there are cameras. I am a bit worried about the crossing roads, but should be fine. He has a phone and has to switch tracker device on before leaving school or home. PHone is handed in and switched off at school. He has instructions to come straight home, not dilly dally, not to talk to strange people, not to go anywhere with anyone I wouldn't trust or don't know, where to get help if anything happens, what to do if tube is out of service etc. He is excited about it and I think the independence will really do him good. He knows he is trusted and we have talked about judgement, of people and situations (ie. being crowded off pavements in rush hour).

I would ALWAYS expect to know where he is, at least for a few more years I think.
He has previously been on the tube once alone, and to walked to friends' houses.

We have six years to go but I already think about it. I grew up in a village and roamed the fields till dusk but my dd's are growing up in London. (said fields now housing estates) I would LIKE to know but think I will have to learn to trust her and the lessons she is learning and what I will try to teach. It will be painful I know....

We talk now about not talking to people she doesn't know, not giving her name, if she isn't happy in a situation she is ok to remove herself. I've just seen the promotions for the pants conversation which I found very helpful. All advice taken on board!

I do think I want them to stay children for as long as possible...whatever that may mean.....? (right that's my three posts pls donate six quid Aviva!)

We are still a way off 11, but I do think that freedom is something to be built up and earned gradually. Allow small amounts of freedom and when respected can extend over time. When trust is broken, some of that freedom may need to be taken away. At 11 I'd like to know where my child is, yes! I do like what someone said:
Parameters: talk to me about what you plan, where you are going to be and any change of plan. I want to know who you are with. I want you to have your mobile with you.
I did grow up in South Africa where it just wasn't safe for kids to use public transport or walk around any time, so we were very reliant on parents to taxi us around which made it a lot easier for my parents to keep tabs of me! I also understood that if I broke my parents trust there would be consequences to my freedom so I was generally compliant.

Most definitely, I would expect my 11 year old to be with a responsible adult at all times. A short walk to school or to a friends house is fine but I expect him to text as soon as he arrives. No wondering the streets with his mates for my boy at least as far as I can help it.

My son is 16 and I know where he is most of the time. He keeps in touch via his mobile and I insist he tells me where he is, if he plans to 'go on' and who he's with. He is very good at keeping in touch. We've had this arrangment since he was about 11/12 and allowed out on his own. My 10 year old walk to shop on his own, no phone as only 5 mins away. He walks to school on his own starting this term, no phone. I've informed school of this and they know to contact me immediately if he does not register. I feel a bit nervous and want to call in just to make sure he is there, but many of his peers are walking or biking on their own and as he doesn't even have a road to cross, I think it's a good thing. He doesn't go out and about out of school with friends yet, but that will rpobably be just around the corner.

Griselda - this has come up on MN before, and a lot of people hold the opinion it's not good to teach children not to speak to children they don't know, as, should they ever be in difficulty, you want them to be able / confident enough to ask for help. As well of course as the hundreds of occasions when it is the right thing to do, to speak to people you might not yet know, socially, so giving mixed messages

Yes! When I look back at the scrapes and trouble I got into at that age, (having been bought up by super lax liberal hippies!) I was given the freedom yes, and it was a good learning experience, but there are some situations I look back in where I could have been in real danger due to my naivety, and I wouldn't want that for my child.

Thanks for all your comments so far: keep them coming

My DD was 11 within a month of starting Year 6. BY Easter she was getting the bus to school on her own, and home again too, although she would then meet me at my workplace. She is sensible, but I was still concerned. I did not know exactly where she was at all times, nor did I think I should do so.

I would think for an eleven year old you'd want to know roughly where they are at all times but not exactly. When I was eleven I was allowed out with friends as long as I knew roughly where we'd go i.e to the leisure centre/to the park.

my youngest dd is 11 and has just started secondary school, she has pnly recently stared going out with friends and must tell me where she is going and if she wants to go anywhere else she has to call and check first.

I have an 8 year old, mostly I know where he is but he will got to friends and neighbours on his own and to the shop on instruction. I have no intention of getting him a phone and wonder if I would be seen as a complete freak if I don't get him one when he starts secondary school. I'd like him to walk to school on his own but not sure how other parents will cope with this as no children seem to walk on their own here.

He knows my number and if lost, he can clearly state it.

My son is 11 and on the autistic spectrum. He gets a certain amount of freedom, and is supposed to tell me where he is going, although sometimes he just "takes off", which is a bit of a problem! Last week he broke his arm, and thankfully his older sister was with him, because he was running around in panic, and the children he was with were panicking too. It worries me letting him go out, but I have to give him some freedom.

Mine are lots younger. By age 11 I had been travelling around on buses by myself to get to dance classes, and been walking to and from school and the mile to the next town for at least 3 years maybe 4.
But I don't know how I'll ever be able to let my kids do the same, especially my girl, she is far too pretty. I was just 12 the first time I got followed, and sadly it became a fairly regular experience in my teens - I didn't tell my parents 'cos they locked me up for several months after the one at 12, so there's a lesson.
I want my dd particularly in martial arts lessons, but they're of little value until at least teens.
If anyone's got a magic bullet let me know (would have used it on those stalkers).

My DTs are 13 and I keep tabs on their whereabouts. At 11 they only walked to and from school themselves (they had mobiles from that age), everywhere else they wanted to go, they were driven. I think it makes a difference that they are twins and best friends and always together. From 12 they started wandering around town themselves for upto an hour. We've just been on holiday to a European country where they are already fluent in the language and they had their own hotel key and walked into the small town on their own and around the hotel grounds/pool etc. They are more paranoid than me about potential dangers and would not trust anyone. I trust them to be sensible and they always have their phones.

Yes but I am not sure for how much longer. It helps that he is still in primary school and a lot of his friends are still 10. He wants more freedom though so I'm not sure for how much longer!

My son is 10 and I want to know where he is at all times - if he's at a friend's house, then I ensure the parent informs me of any change of plan/location. 11 is still young - they crave freedom, but you still need to set safe boundaries.

I would think there was something wrong with my child if I couldn't trust him at 11. I was out with friends on my own and given a time to come home at that age, so was his father. He has to go to and from school on his own, so why wouldn't I let him go out with friends? (within reason and parameters). He has a watch and knows what sensible behaviour is. A parent will always worry about their children, but I have to learn to let go and trust too. I feel the biggest threat to his safety is his road sense (or in London, other drivers).

Yes, I always have with my first two at the age of 11 and will do the same with my son who is nearly 10.

In fact my eldest is 16 and I always pretty much know where she is too.

Just because you allow them freedom doesn't mean you can't know where they are!!

Railway Children would like to thank you all for your continued support.
They say "your comments have been really insightful and have raised some really interesting points about the amount of freedom you give your children and how you encourage them to stay safe. Railway Children have provided some more information with advice and tips to help you talk to your child about how they can identify safe places and safe people when they are away from the home - here".