Should you know where your 11 year old is at all times? £2 charity donation for every answer

[AnnMumsnet]

We've been working with the charity Railway Children with the help of Aviva and they would like to know how you tackle the difficult balance of keeping your children safe and giving them enough freedom.

In particular they'd like to know:

Our ability to keep in touch with where our children are and what they are doing is greater than ever because of mobiles, but as we relax our hold on them and allow them to have greater independence how can we ensure that they stay safe and make the right decisions?

At what age do you allow your children more freedom and independence and what parameters do you set them?

What discussions do you have with your children about safe behaviour, safe people and safe places to encourage them to keep safe when they are away from the home?

Aviva have kindly agreed that they will donate £2 to Railway Children for every valid comment posted on this thread (up to a maximum of 3 times per user). Railway Children work with UK children who have run away from home and end up living on the streets. Part of their work focuses on preventative education, encouraging children to think and talk about safe people and safe places to help them to make the correct decisions when they are away from the home. You can find out more about the charity and more ways to get involved here

thanks MNHQ

PS please note your comments may be used on the Railway Children pages on MN as well as elsewhere.

I need to know where me DD1 ages 13 is and I have to trust she is where she says she is. Both my daughters have been made aware of personal safety and the importance of letting someone know where you are and staying together.

I wonder if I am so relaxed because we live in a small village.

We have recently started letting DD go off with friends when we go into town shopping and I worry more about bullies and traffic than kidnappers tbh.

I don't have a 11 year old, but I'd absolutely want to know where they were at all times. I wouldn't want to be prying or pushy but I know I would encourage my child to be able to let me in or wherever they are. Not for any other reason, I'd just want them to be safe and I know where to go just in case.

At what age do you allow your children more freedom and independence and what parameters do you set them?

Since secondary school starts at age 11, I have worked to that as a benchmark for increasing independence

Parameters: talk to me about what you plan, where you are going to be and any change of plan. I want to know who you are with. I want you to have your mobile with you

What discussions do you have with your children about safe behaviour, safe people and safe places to encourage them to keep safe when they are away from the home?

We discuss carrying money and phone safely where relevant e.g.pickpocket risk. We discuss routes, talking to strangers, road use, temptation to be 'led' by friends. Advice on being bullied or hassled by older kids... Tbh I sometimes wonder if we overdo it

I don't have an 11 year old yet but I assume I would want to know roughly where they are, but I don't think you should know precisely where they are every second.

I have talked with my son about the risk of being found guilty by association, by which I mean that that if in a group of teenage boys one does something bad, people will often perceive the group as having done whatever it was rather than focusing on which particular individual did the crime. I have therefore told him that if he ever finds himself in a group where he thinks someone is going to do something criminal (eg shoplift) he should make his excuses and leave, not continue to hang around with the group, even if he is doing nothing wrong himself.

I know where my 11yo is all the time except when she's at a friends house,when I expect the friends mum to know where they are. At the end of y6 she'll get more freedom, but if my DH has his way she'll be escorted everywhere until she's about 20!

Yes, my children aren't 11 yet but it is still very young. I would want to know where they are I will probably drop them off and arrange to pick them up to.

Does depend a bit on when they turn 11. I have an 'old in the year' 11 yr old, so still at Primary for 11.5 months of the year, and yes, at Primary age I would expect to know where she is.
At secondary, I'd expect a text if she goes somewhere and won't be home around the usual time, but not (as one friend of my 14 yr old dd has to do) a text to tell me if she's taking road A or road B on her stroll home from school! There's a balance. My older dd will occasionally text to say "I've gone to take X's dog for a walk" so I don't know exactly where she is geographically, but I know not to expect her until later - I'd be happy with that from my 11 yr old too. To be fair, if my dh was going to be home considerably later than he was normally home, I'd expect a message from him too, as indeed I would tell someone if I were late.

My daughter got a phone for her 11 th birthday, but I feel it is a safeguard as well as a potential danger eg. People trying to steal it etc. she can now go to local shops wih a friend, or wander round shopping centre with friends with time and place to meet. She sometimes walked home from school on her own (about 15 mins, on a pretty safe route ) and will be doing this all the time in year 7 from next week. She is gradually getting more independence, which she likes, but then recently was picked on in the shopping centre which brings home to downsides too.

My 11 year old has aspergers and doesn't have much in the way of street smarts, and he cannot use a phone very well. So he gets less freedom (actually seeks less freedom) than many 11 year olds. He is quite happy being left at home alone for a couple of hours at a time though, and I do trust him to be safe in that environment. He will be walking to and from secondary school and letting himself into an empty house as of next week - he has to text me each day that he is at home or if he goes to a mate's house, where he is. I think he will be able to text better than talk on the phone! So a big step towards independence for him, but yes I want to know where he is, approx, and when he will be home.

At 11 yes I knew where they were, regardless of mobile phones. Phones can run out of credit, out of charge, be out of signal area, be lost or stolen, be switched to silent so would not rely on that. Better for teens to know how to get around and get themselves out of trouble.

Now mine are teens I don't always know exactly where they are, they tell me but plans can change. I usually check if they will be home for tea or what time they will be back/how they are getting back, then trust them to do it. We live rurally so they needed to be old enough to handle getting local buses and walking a bit to get to a bus stop before they were allowed to go off on their own/with friends. Older one looks after the younger one too when they go into town.

My 11yo has a phone (just a cheap one) but knows to txt or call if he's not where we think he is supposed to be or back by a certain pre-arranged time. He makes his own way to and from school, and occasionally goes biking up a special bike trail with his friends, with us setting a return time. He is a LOT taller/bigger than his mates though, (in medium men's clothes - his dad is well over 6 foot) so he looks responsible and bigger boys leave him alone! We always know roughly where he is, and are letting him find his way and make his mistakes. We have only had two " I'm lost, I'm by...a bank..." Phone calls and common sense normally prevails. ( he is told to retrace his steps until he knows where he is, and invariably works it out) and we are never more than five minutes away anyway.

My 11 yr old now has a phone. She enjoys her freedom and the trust I have in her. She always texts to say where she is and texts when she is on her way home. We have discussed all about strangers,peer pressure and so on and I have told her I trust her to do whats right. She comes home on time and is very sensible ( so far!!) I'm glad she has her freedom as when I was her age I was the same. I respected my parents and I hope my daughter respects me for it also. :)

I knew where he told me he was going, where he really was, well that's another matter.

These decisions have to be based on the capabilities of the individual child and on their circumstances: whether they know local people well, what the area is like, and so on. The idea of there being a particular age which would be right for all or even most children is ludicrous.

My older child went short distances up the road on her own to visit friends and relatives or go to the shop from the age of five, and at eight began to roam our medium-sized city freely throughout the daytime, taking buses to shops and the library and parks and to see friends. One of the reasons I am comfortable with this is that she is a confident outgoing child who would not hesitate to approach people for help. Equally, she would not hesitate to tell people to leave her alone if they were bothering her. She and I had gone places together on the bus often and I could see how she handled various situations. I had also coached her intensively on road safety because that is the main danger she faces when out in our urban area.

I discourage overuse of mobile phones because I think that being in constant contact with family can make children less self-reliant and less able to interact with other people, and can actually isolate them in some ways. However, my dd does usually take one when she leaves our city and is out of walking distance from home. (And now she is a teenager she often chooses to have a phone with her for social reasons!) We often discuss backup plans: what she would do if she lost her money or return bus ticket or got lost or couldn't find her friends, for example.

My younger child, who is now seven, is very young for her age and does not have good social skills. She tends to become distracted and wander into the road, for example. I predict that if she were lost she would wander aimlessly and then hide or begin to cry rather than finding help. She does not know her full name, address or phone number and does not always interact well with strangers. For this reason, I always keep her close to me when we are out and hold her hand near the road. We are just beginning to discuss safe crossing of roads and I am encouraging her to speak to people when we are out, for example to hand over money in the shop or ask the librarian for a book.

I find it odd that people tend to accept that the age of eleven is so significant in terms of what they allow their children to do. This is often born of necessity, as many parents are no longer able to accompany their children to and from school, school may be farther away, and fewer childcare settings will accept high school aged children. And then because so many children are going to and from school alone, peer pressure kicks in and those who could be accompanied to school don't want to be taken there anymore. But that doesn't mean that children suddenly become more capable. I think we ought to distinguish between an unfortunate necessity and an ideal situation.

Once children are making their own way to and from school, parents find that it is only fair to allow them to hang out with their friends more freely after school and to go other places on their own too.

This seems a big jump up for children if they have had little freedom during the previous couple of years.

Just to be clear, I think that some eleven year olds are ready for a great deal of freedom and some are not. But there seems to be a tendency in our society to let go the reins quite suddenly the moment children reach secondary age.

I think that it's more by the age of 11 Saracen, and evn then, more "11+", as in 'by the time they go to secondary', so some dc will be almost 12.

As you so rightly say, a lot of children have to have a lot more independence then, through necessity, so that's why many parents get them used to - say walking home on their own - from Yr5 or into Yr6, or having their own key, or being in the house on their own. Same with spending time alone at the park or the swimming baths or at the shops, etc. It's something you build up to, so that it isn't all new by the time they hit secondary school.

My 12 yo has a lot of freedom - on the understanding I know where she is and who she is with. If she goes into town on the bus, I see her on the bus and expect her to text me when she gets there and when she's on the bus back home. She wouldn't be allowed to go into town alone unless she was meeting a friend though.

I have left her at home for short periods of time (up to an hour) since she was 10 but would now be happy to leave her for a morning or afternoon if I had to go somewhere for work.

If she goes to stay with a friend, I'm happy not to hear from her at all but she does generally text me to say goodnight.

When she has friends over here, they generally go to the park, go swimming or walk up into our very small town so am happy in our own environment to give her that little bit extra freedom.

She knows never to get into a car with anyone except a few agreed upon people, that includes friends' parents. She has started doing paid babysitting and maths tuition for a couple of our neighbours' children but they are all within 5 minutes walking distance from home in a close-knit community and she isn't allowed to stay later than 8pm.

It's all about balance at 11 yo. Giving them some responsibility whilst keeping both eyes firmly on them - and them knowing it.

My instinct says generally yes, depending on the child, though I remember at 11 being allowed to go to the town centre with my friends. And this was in the days before mobile phones. I had a bus pass, but my friends mums just had to trust them not to spend their bus fare. There could be no rescue if it all went a bit wrong.

So I think yes, generally I would want to know where my 11 year old was, so that I would know when to get worried, but don't think it is realistic to expect parents to know on a minute by minute basis.

Mobile Phones help but getting your kids used to being independent from about age 7 with little trips to the local shop, the library etc on their own (or with friend/sibling) is a good idea. You can build this up in lots of small ways - asking them to go to the counter in a shop, go to the tea shop in the park, get the fish and chips while you wait outside. These small experiences help them understand how to behave in the world and how the world should behave to them. Having confidence in yourself goes a long way when you are sent out / let out on your own. Taking them on buses and trains from a young age is good too so it's not a total shock when they have to use them for school in Y8. The single most important thing though is teaching and helping them to understand what is and what isn't appropriate, safe, normal behaviour in other people. "Don't take sweets from strangers" is still good advice...

Not precisely, but approximately

I like to know roughly where dd (11) is, whose house she at or if they've gone to the park. Caved and bought a phone for her 11th birthday as felt sorry for her having to keep running home or borrowing phones to advise of a change of location, I.e, friend x isn't in, I'm going to see if y is in. or to let me know rough whereabouts.

My dd is 11 and I know where she is, but that is coz I trust she is telling me the truth.. I have tried to give her the freedom I had as a child but to be honest I think we were kind of thrown out of the house to amuse ourselves for the day.(I remember cycling 10 miles with a cheese sandwich in saddlebag and going swimming over quite big waves at Hayling Island). I would freak if she did that . I bought her a mobile at 7 1/4 years as she liked to climb a tree on the village green with her friends and I couldn't see if from my house, although just around the corner. I found myself standing in the road feeling silly looking from afar hovering. She didn't use the phone much. I wanted her to take it to PGL at 7 but they discouraged it. We moved when she was 9 and I made her take it on the school bus incase pick up arrangements changed. I teach secondary and am used to pupils travelling for up to 1 hour changing tubes, buses etc. from yr 7 (11) onwards so I wanted her to practise. At age 9 I felt she was mature enough to go 150m train journey with no changes but her gran didn't and travelled up and back to accompany her for her stay. The next year 10yrs she did it on her own (no changes and put on and collected). However I insisted she phoned me through out journey I was worrying like mad. Coz we live in a remote place she may go for a country walk but she will tell me and not be long and take her phone.