Should you know where your 11 year old is at all times? £2 charity donation for every answer

[AnnMumsnet]

We've been working with the charity Railway Children with the help of Aviva and they would like to know how you tackle the difficult balance of keeping your children safe and giving them enough freedom.

In particular they'd like to know:

Our ability to keep in touch with where our children are and what they are doing is greater than ever because of mobiles, but as we relax our hold on them and allow them to have greater independence how can we ensure that they stay safe and make the right decisions?

At what age do you allow your children more freedom and independence and what parameters do you set them?

What discussions do you have with your children about safe behaviour, safe people and safe places to encourage them to keep safe when they are away from the home?


Aviva have kindly agreed that they will donate £2 to Railway Children for every valid comment posted on this thread (up to a maximum of 3 times per user). Railway Children work with UK children who have run away from home and end up living on the streets. Part of their work focuses on preventative education, encouraging children to think and talk about safe people and safe places to help them to make the correct decisions when they are away from the home. You can find out more about the charity and more ways to get involved here

thanks MNHQ

PS please note your comments may be used on the Railway Children pages on MN as well as elsewhere.

[JazzAnnNonMouse]

I don't have an 11 year old but my brother is 11.
I cannot imagine my mum not knowing where he is!

With my dds - I think age 11 they might be able to nip to the corner shop/ walk to school with friends but not be completely on their own.

11 is still young, I think they mature a lot in the first stages of secondary though.

[pixiepoopoo]

Definitely
It's called "parental responsibility"

[Tyranasaurus]

A reliable 11year old able togo local places (friends house, corner shop etc) as long as a they let you know first

[MushroomSoup]

I have three teens (aged 13, 14, 16) with XH and we live 10 mins walk away from each other. We share care. He says I am a 'bad mother' because I no longer pick the kids up from his house in the car, as I used to when they were younger. I also let them 'roam', with or without mobiles, to a certain extent (I know rough plans and expect them in for tea unless contact is made!). He insists on knowing where they are at all times, to the point where he is stifling them and they are beginning to resent it. Such a shame. They are very good kids.

[RaRaLion]

I am in my thirtees and my wife knows my whereabouts all the time and I know hers too :) We tend to text each other when we move from one place to another. We don't have a 11 yo but we would like to have the same for our son when he grows old too.

[cloudyday]

As RaRaLion said, but I have had an 11 yo and, as long as they are telling the truth, we always knew where they were when out.

[CaramelisedOnion]

I think I would want to mostly know where they are, and have the be reachable on the phone at all times. Tricky age. Depends on the child to a certain extent, I think.

[funnyperson]

11, yes i would like to know where they are and who with and would expect to have met the parents of the company they keep.

[SweepTheHalls]

I think you should, within a set area, the park, friend x, the corner shop

[Queenofknickers]

I think 11 is still very young and I would want to know where my children were at all times at that age. Mobiles are useful but children at this age need proper face to face listening-to as well.

[JRHarris]

I think that you should know where your 11 year old is at always and I also believe that you should believe that the people they are with will protect them from harm by a supervising adult. While I realize that this is difficult at times since your child could be leaving to go to a friends house down the street and you don't know who will be watching them exactly, but you should still have a reasonable expectation that someone will be there to protect them. This is where learning who your child's friends and parents are that is very important in early development when they have not learned to fully protect themselves yet.

[VeganCow]

Yes we should know where our 11 year olds are, and should expect that in someone elses care, that other person would also make sure where they are.

11 is still quite young, and I certainly knew where mine were all the time at that age.

30 odd years ago, when I was 11..hmmm I was out for hours not only unsupervised but parents had no clue where I was or what I was doing, neither did anyone elses parents.

[Ruby6918]

i have an eleven year old and a twelve year old and its really hard, i dont want them to be stuck in the house and they need freedom as well, i make sure one has a phone with them, i try to get to know their friends a bit, i allow them to be out with friends for a few hours if they are with about a five minute walk from me, they have times for school nights and a bit later at weekends, i also walk my dog just before they come in some nights just to watch what they are at, it helps them me to know that i can keep a wee eye on them, if they go to the pictures or shops then i normally leave them for a couple of hours and between the parents we deliver and bring them home, times have changed but they still need to feel unattached from their parents too, i give rewards for them coming in on time, the last one was they got to go and see the 1d film at the cinema, we all worry but they have to grow up!

[lljkk]

Other night had this conversation with DD:

"Why is it that when I read books, the kids just grab a sleeping bag & tell their parents that they are going to a friends' house for the night. The parents say "Fine!" even though they haven't met the other kid or her family. It seems to happen a lot in Judy Blume books."
Me: "World doesn't work like that any more."
DD: "Why not?"
Me: "I dunno. It really was like that in the 60s and 70s but expectations have changed."

What I really think is that people with too few dangers in their lives make them up.

Swallows & Amazons. Ha! Imagine a world like that.

[magichamster]

Ds is 11 and has just started high school. We live in a big village.

He walks to school on his own with a friend (about 25 mins) and after school he goes out with mates. He generally has a phone with him, and he knows he can go anywhere within a certain boundary, but if he wants to go elsewhere he needs to give me a quick call so I know where he is.

Like some other posters on here I worry more about cars than anything else as he can be a bit vague at times

[Littlecherublegs]

I don't have an 11 year old yet but the ones I know of makes me think that yes, I would want to know where they are all the time.
11 is not that old - just because they have started high school doesnt mean they are grown up, mature, savvy, street wise, etc.
I agree it might be difficult to know exact whereabouts 100% of the time but I would definitely want to know roughly where they are going to be, who with, and when they will return.

[MILLYMOLLYMANDYMAX]

My eldest has been commuting in and out of central London on her own since she was 10. I drop her at the station in the morning and she gets the train in and back and I collect her in the evening. However I would not let her walk outside our front gate with out me ever despite us living in an ultra quiet hamlet. To my mind she has no chance of being taken in the centre of London with police and CCTV and other people around However in our quiet road anyone could snatch her and we would be none the wiser. I cannot recall any child being snatched from Oxford Street but plenty walking down some suburban / village road.

[katiewalters]

My son is only 4 but when he is 11 I will want to know where he is at all times. He will be given a mobile phone once at secondary school so he can ring us if there's an emergency or problem. I wouldn't be comfortable him being out on the streets on his own with friends at 11 with the society we live on, 11 is too young. I wouldn't mind him doing things with friends if an adult is present.

[popsocks]

My 10yr old dd (11 in a few weeks), is allowed to the park, to her friends etc. She has been allowed to go to the corner shop since she was 9, to get milk etc for me. During the summer hols, i have allowed her to go to the supermarket 15 mins away to buy some icecream. My dh and i argued a bit about this as he feels it is too far and you have to cross a main road. I allowed her to as i think she is sensible enough and we have talked through the route she was to take, not to talk to anyone she didnt know and to ring me if she got worries at any point. She can walk the while way there on one side of the road and use the pedestrian crossing to cross the main road. She was fine and i actually rang her after 25 mins to check all ok. She had shopped and had just left the supermarket. My dh and i have had a better discussion about where she is allowed as he is more uncomfortable with the idea of dd going out and about. I think that she needs to be more independant and to learn different routes home as she will be in high school next year and having to walk to and fro on her own and with friends. She has been walking herself to primary school and back since the middle of yr 4, although that is a 5min walk from our house

[Art]

Yes essentially I do know where my son is all the time. He walks to school by himself, which is about 10 minutes away. He comes home and lets himself in at the end of the day.
He is allowed to go out and about, but doesnt randomly wander. We live in a smallish town and he can go into town to the sweet shop, to several parks and round the streets where we live on his scooter/skates etc, but he tells me first roughly where he is going and he has a mobile. The traffic worries me and I worry that if he is hanging around he will be introduced to drink/drugs etc. by older children.

We have talked about 'stranger danger' and have talked extensively about being safe online (I am much fussier than all Ds s friends' parents about online activity).

I feel I will be more anxious about my daughter (8yo) being out on her own. I worry more about her being abducted as she is a girl and physically she is quite small. (although I know the statistics actually show this to be very rare!)

[NotAFeminist]

I don't have an 11 year old just yet and have no idea what sort of world we'll be living in in 10 years time or what technology we'll have or what people will be like! But, if I had an 11 year old now, I would definitely want to know where they are always! I don't even think I'd let them out to 'play out' on the streets with friends, either. I would much prefer them to be at our home, friends' houses whom I've met or at clubs etc. We have a green outside our home that they could play on and our own big garden (if we're still living here then, of course!) If they wanted to go with friends to a park, or something, I would probably want to go along and sit on a bench and keep an eye on things. If their plans were to change, I'd want to know that, too.

It might sound too over-protective or that I'd be a molly coddler, but due to things that have happened in both my and my DH's life, we are that way and both feel that it is better to be over-vigilante, than end up heart broken because something terrible has happened to your child because you relaxed a little bit and gave them freedom before they were properly ready. I don't want to wrap my kids in bubble wrap and keep them with me forever, I just want them to be safe and happy. 16 years old is the age when the children will have more freedom and responsibility. And all through their life, we will teach the kids the importance of being safe and 'stranger danger' etc and hope we do a good enough job with that! I feel it is better to over-protect (but not in an over bearing, suffocating way) than to regret.

[steppemum]

It really depends what you mean by ''know where they are''

So, ds (aged 10) goes out to play with friends on the estate next to our road. I know he is out and about with friends. He has parameters, so he can go to local park and shop, but if they go off to the skate park, (a bit further away) he needs to pop back home and let me know.

He has a return time, and this summer we have let him go off for about 2-3 hours in an afternoon doing that.

So i always know which area he is in, but not exactly where he is, he could be in any of 3 or 4 houses. But I am at home, so there is a responsible adult in the background. If I need to go out, eg to take dd to swimming lessons, he has to be based somewhere eg at friends house, and that parent needs to know that I am out.

He has to tell me if he wants to go round to a friends or to the library after school

We have also begun to allow him to be at home for about an hour if we are out. Again strict guidelines, no cooking/kettle, no friends round, no answering the door.

He doesn't have a mobile, but he will for secondary as he will take the train and it is the easiest way for him to let us know if he is late.

We talk a lot about safety in all sorts of areas, and talk through strategies and role play about what to do 'if...'

I actually assume that sometimes he will break boundaries and do things he is not supposed to. I think that is part of growing up. The trick is to give them the skills to make decisions and trust them enough to know that they won't stray too far or do anything too stupid!

[shewhowines]

At 11 (year 6) the dc were allowed around the estate and to the park 15 mins walk away. The rule is they must be with someone and should call me with their phone, to pick them up if they ever have to walk home alone.

I need to be confident that I can contact them at any time or if they dont have their phone, i must know where exactly they are.


I started off going into town with them and their friends and letting them go off on their own but with me in town too. We progressed to dropping them there and picking them up later, also with the cinema, by the time they started secondary school.

We do live in a safe area and would be far more careful if it was a bit "rough"

[chrismse]

No not for short times.

[passedgo]

We live in a fairly rough part of London but my dd has been playing on the street since she was 8. There is a group of them but they stay close by. Now she is 13 Iet her go where she wants to as long as she has her phone, knows where she is going and is meeting friends. She has a good sense of danger but isn't scared to try new things.