Should you know where your 11 year old is at all times? £2 charity donation for every answer

[AnnMumsnet]

We've been working with the charity Railway Children with the help of Aviva and they would like to know how you tackle the difficult balance of keeping your children safe and giving them enough freedom.

In particular they'd like to know:

Our ability to keep in touch with where our children are and what they are doing is greater than ever because of mobiles, but as we relax our hold on them and allow them to have greater independence how can we ensure that they stay safe and make the right decisions?

At what age do you allow your children more freedom and independence and what parameters do you set them?

What discussions do you have with your children about safe behaviour, safe people and safe places to encourage them to keep safe when they are away from the home?

Aviva have kindly agreed that they will donate £2 to Railway Children for every valid comment posted on this thread (up to a maximum of 3 times per user). Railway Children work with UK children who have run away from home and end up living on the streets. Part of their work focuses on preventative education, encouraging children to think and talk about safe people and safe places to help them to make the correct decisions when they are away from the home. You can find out more about the charity and more ways to get involved here

thanks MNHQ

PS please note your comments may be used on the Railway Children pages on MN as well as elsewhere.

Curlew,

She is only very young at the moment (11 months) so maybe my over protective attitude will change as she gets older but I'm scared of her own ability to make judgements (crossing busy roads for example) and I'm scared of people with either sinister intentions or groups of kids who may lead her astray.

I was involved in an incident when I was 19 that scared me a lot (don't want to out myself but I was asked to do reconstruction on CrimeWatch, I wasn't hurt, somebody else was). I don't trust strangers in general.

It's a gradual thing. It's not that on the last day if primary they still need to be walked to and from school every day and have their hand held when crossing the road, yet on the first day if secondary they can do it all by themselves. You have to increase freedoms gradually, discuss why and how, practice scenarios etc.

I certainly do not expect to know where my 10 and 12yos are at all times, but I expect to know approximately where they are, with whom, and by what time they will arrive there/here and at what time they will set off. 10yo gets less leeway, is not allowed to go as far or for as long as 12yo. If plans or situations change, they must phone me. Which also means less freedom for 10yo, as only 12yo has a mobile.

Also depends on the child. My 12yo craves freedom and responsibility, so I grant it but occasionally have to hold back. My 10yo is shyer and less confident, so occasionally I have to push and encourage, but I don't force it.

Yeh, we've taken a gradual approach I think ILove as ds wanted to cycle to school with his Dad in Y6, and then cycled home on his own. Before that I took him by car and collected him at end of day. I felt it was good that there wouldn't be such a sudden change in responsibility with secondary school. He's practiced cycling to new school with his Dad too, and is very keen to do so, but I'm a little nervous about the idea because of traffic.
I guess if DH does it with him a few times and thinks it's OK we'll probably go for it though I'd rather take him in the morning and he can come home on the bus like his sister

My children are younger, but I would definitely want to know where my 11 year old was at all times! I cannot imagine not knowing where they were. I mean such as knowing that they are at school, on the way home from school, at a certain friends house etc etc. We live in London though, so perhaps at of London not the same. I do remember as a child (lived in a large village near open countryside) going off on our bikes for the whole day at age 11 and my mother (all our mothers) were fine with this. Maybe times have changed.

Hmm. read some of the comments and I'm a bit at the degree of control people exercise over their teens.

By age 11 I think your child should be reasonably able to go out and about on their own- use public transport etc within reason. Depending on area but that meant for us that they went on the bus/train to and from school at normal times. School didn't do after school stuff in year 7 really but they were selected for orchestras to " play with the big kids" as they were very good for age and rarely I did a collection from this activity.

What I don't like and makes me feel twitchy is when they want to " hang out" with mates in town without specific goals. I know kids egg each other on to shoplift etc and that could be an issue.

I talk " risk assessment" all the time and have done since they were small. I think this helps a bit.

As for tracking/spying on your child with mobile phone locator apps.... I'm not say never, but gosh I'd like to think I trusted my child better than that ( unless they have proved un trustworthy) and child abduction isn't common enough to make me want to " tag" my child. Surely an abductor would chuck the kids phone promptly anyway?

And those who say " mobile should be answered immediately" do you not have signal black spots where you are?

And those who say " mobile should be answered immediately" do you not have signal black spots where you are?
We do have signal black spots, yes. But that would be the exception, not the rule, and it is possible to have a 'policy' and at the same time judge on a case-by-case basis.

We live in a place which has a high degree of inter-community violence. My DSS is easily identifiable as a 'target' (through his accent and school uniform). We have very real reasons to be concerned about his whereabouts. I appreciate that some people make judgements about their own environments and their own children's skills. Not every neighbourhood, not every child, not every situation is the same. Blanket statements about how safe a child of 11 is are completely useless, as are the kind of remarks which seem aimed at telling parents that they are being over-protective or controlling, when the person saying that can't possibly know what this particular kid's judgement is like, or what the particular safety concerns are, or indeed, any history of actual problems that have already occurred. We've evaluated all the factors in our own case, and determined what we are personally comfortable with.

It's weird that this thread contains so much judgement of other parenting styles. I'm not interested in telling others that they are negligent because they don't have the same rules of expectations regarding these things, as I say, it may well be appropriate for them - but similarly, I would expect that others assume that we know what we're doing when it comes to our own kids.

I think setting boundaries and having fixed rules in place is a good idea as there can then be no confusion about what is allowed and what is not.

My children both know that they are not to enter their friend's houses at all unless they have asked me first. I have explained to them why it is important that I know where they are, such as getting hold of them in an emergency.

My kids are now 13 and 9 but when dd was 11 she was allowed to travel to certain places on her own so long as I knew where she was going and if relevant, who with. If she was not within walking distance from home - say she was staying with a friend, then I would insist she have a phone on her and I would have the number of the parents just in case.

Just recently a friend of hers told her mother she was out with certain people and would be back at an agreed time, however she changed those plans, went out with different people and was an hour late getting home. Her mother was very worried and dd and I did our best to try and contact this girl to find out where she was. I think that helped dd to see just how important it was to stick to plans and let people know where you are and who you are with.

I agree that phones give a false sense of security. Anything can go wrong - they might switch them off, run out of battery, be in a blackspot or lose their phones. I never rely solely on the phone and I make sure I have the mobile numbers of her closest friends.

There is a fine line to be drawn between giving them their independence and expecting them to have too much responsibility at a young age. I think it's wise to remember that they are still children, prone to being forgetful and making mistakes so really it is up to us as their parents to take on that responsibility and make sure our children are as safe as they can be.

great post, rhubarb.

Absolutely. Don't mind them having freedom to go more or less where they fancy but like to know first.

We live near a small town that was in the news a few months ago because some kids on Facebook had arranged a fight and there was talk of knives being involved. This is not London, this is deepest darkest Wiltshire, a nice place with no particular major crime issues. Yet this is what the kids had arranged. On that day it so happened that the Police Chief was doing his rounds with some local police and they came across this large gang of kids. They took some into custody for possessing weapons and what made it into the news was that some of these children were as young as 9 with most being 11 or 12 and their parents did not know where they were. Many of the kids admitted lying to their parents about who they were with and where they were that evening. The Police Chief went onto the news to make a plea to all parents to find out where their children actually were.

Potentially the police stopped a catastrophe that night. Stabbings don't just happen in London you see. Many of those parents thought their children were staying with friends, but they weren't, they were in the centre of this town with the wrong crowd amongst kids who were willing to carry knives.

I think it's vitally important to know where your children are. Yes of course they need their independence but like I said, at the age of 11 they are still young children, they make mistakes, they can't handle grown up responsibilities and do not have the benefit of wisdom and caution. I think we make the mistake of imaging our children to be more sensible and more grown up than they actually are.

Ds is 10.5. I have just started to give him some freedom to go around our quiet village on his own. I do however expect to know where he is and be able to find him if I need to. He has the cheapest mobile I could find with a pas-as-you-go sim. If he goes to the park, he has to return within 1 hour or ring me at the end of the hour to tell me his plans. As he gets older, I will slowly relax these restrictions. He has also been told to ring home if he is uncertain what to do in any situation. He can only go certain places on his own and knows that he would be in unbelievable trouble if, for example, he went down to the woods on his own.

My DDs are only tiny at the moment, but i'm pretty sure i'd want to know where they were 100% of the time. 11 is still quite young isn't it? That's not to say i won't be happy for them to go out (not sure yet) but i'd definitely want to know where they are. I can't imagine someone asking me where my 11 year old was and having to answer "dunno". 11 is only starting secondary school. I never went anywhere without my parents at that age, i don't think they were overprotective just sensible. It's not stranger danger that concerns me, just more likely things like traffic, accidents, making appropriate decisions etc.

Not that i'd judge anyone else's choices, but for me i'd want to know.

My 12yo knows that if he is lax about coming home on time, or goes to a different place than agreed (without telling me) then he will either be grounded or have his freedom-of-movement privileges revoked. Similarly, if he wants to go out without an adult his phone must be charged, in credit, and in his pocket. I have carried out those repercussions, so he knows we mean it and respects them.

My son wont be 11 for a while, but when he is I feel that while my instinct will be to want to know where he is at all times, it would be simply impossible to allow him the freedom he deserves and keep precise tags on his whereabouts at all times. It all depends on the child. When I was 11 I had a fair amount of freedom, but I had to earn it by being trustworthy. Mobile phones are useful, but I agree they do provide a false sense of security sometimes.

I don't know where my 11 YO and 12YO are all the time. I'm in the process of coaching them to be more independent. I know what their plans are all the time, I will have discussed with them what the likely timings are for their plans and who they're going with and what do do in certain scenarios if their plans go awry (if they miss their bus or they get delayed or if they get scared or they get mugged). But part of letting them go out by themselves and have freedom means that sometimes I couldn't say exactly where they were but I could say where I think they are and when they'll be back!

They have mobiles - one's where we can check the location of their device but I don't really use them because they're very good at texting to say if their battery is running low or to ask if they can come back later. This is because they understand that these freedoms will be revoked if they are later than agreed or the deviate massively from the plan. I have once with one DS used the location to check whether he was in the town he said he was going to because I was worried about some shifty behaviour. But he was where he said he would be!

Y6 is the year when we've allowed our DSs more independence (more than just walking to and back from school by themselves). This is to ensure they are already making some decisions safely and are starting to take responsibility for themselves before going to secondary school.

Our aim is to have four sixteen year old boys who are confident and responsible for themselves and others, are able to get jobs (FT or PT) and could fend for themselves for a couple of weeks (or longer if they chose to). As others have said, we've realised how quickly this comes around, so we've made the decision to take calculated risks from the age of 10.

I don't have 11 year old yet but I think that every mum should know where her 11 year old child is.That's why it is so important to gain your child trust because even if your child have mobile phone you never can be sure that child is in that place where he says and he supposed to be.
To my mind 11 year old is to young to wonder whenever he want.I still remember my sweet teenager years when my mum wanted to know all my plans. She always knew where I am because before I went somewhere I was supposed to let her know,where, how long and with whom I was going.
I think the biggest problem nowadays is too much freedom. Most teenagers do whatever they want and parents usually are to busy with their lives, making new relationships or working long hours.

WRT conversations about safety. We have spoken at various times about a variety of subjects to ensure they are safe. Strangers. Drugs. Drink. How to deal with friends doing things you're uncomfortable with. Sex. Relationships. Social Networking to RL. Muggings. Reading timetables.

We tend to, as they go to experience new things, discuss what they're going to do and the risks associated with it. We also ask them how they'd deal with various issues if they arose ... missing the bus, loosing their ticket, friends not turning up.

I don't have an 11 year old, but I think its a fine line between safety and giving some freedom and allowing them to make decisions about their own safety.

However, I think that I'd want to know where my 11 year old is.

Yes, I want to know where my 11 year old is at all times - she has 3 older siblings and by 11/12 they are chomping at the bit for some independence. Mobile phones offer a huge amount of security for me, in that I can check why my daughter is late home from school etc She has an hour bus journey home from school and having that point of contact stops me worrying too much. We havent lived in an area where it is safe to play outside for many years as we live in the country on a busy road, so she has never experienced going out to play with her friends, sadly.

I want to know where my DS(11) is at all times - but the reality is sometimes different !

(Hope this will count as my third valid post towards a worthy cause )

Third valid post for me too.

I think we all have different expectations of our children and different parenting methods, yet I still think that at 11 years of age they are still very much children. They might be growing up fast and wanting that independence but they have not yet experienced enough of the world to make wise decisions. As children they are easily influenced, easily led and easily fooled. I am 41 years old and I still make shit decisions and have still on occasion, put myself in a precarious decision because I failed to make the right choice. I take full responsibility for that as an adult, but who takes responsibility for them? They are only 11 years old, some are still in primary school. As parents we must take that responsibility on for them because if they do make a bad decision, it is partly our fault too, that's what we are there for.

Growing up is all about being responsible and making mistakes but I think sometimes we can be too quick to shove them out into the wide world with just a mobile phone for safety when only a few months previously they may have still been holding your hand on the way to the shops.

Independence should be a gradual thing, a learning curve. We should not force our children to embrace it too quickly and we should never be afraid to lay down some rigid ground rules.

My 11yo doesn't have a phone at the mpment, but she doesn't go far. We live in a tiny village, so she will walk around with/to a friends, she'll also take the dog for a walk, but with a friend.

When she starts Senior School next month she'll be gettting the bus by herself, so then she'll have a phone. She'll also be a latchkey kid 2 out of 5 days, as there is no afterschool club at senior school.

She's very reliable and trustworthy though, so I'm not worried in the slightest, and she is looking forward to it.

Mine can get a bus or walk to town centre (40 mins). Will be getting bus to and from school in Sept, and wait in for me for a bit. We live in a city and can walk everywhere.

My children were both 9 when I first started letting them go out on their own, with clearly defined boundaries at that point. My 10-year-old has not yet progressed beyond very short walks on her own. In the case of my 12-year-old, the level of independence he is allowed has built up steadily from first being allowed out on his own at the age of 9.