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SN teens and young adults

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Original poster

Feel sick and have no idea what to do

248 replies

badmammy · 06/03/2012 18:07

This is crap. So crap. I don't know what to do, and desperately need some advice.

I am a regular on MN, but have namechanged for this, as it is "somewhat sensitive". Bloody understatement. I have 3 children - a 14 year old boy who has special needs - Asperger Syndrome, ADHD and Tourettes, to name a few. I also have an 8 year old girl and a 6 year old boy.

I'm going to start with the background. About 3 years ago my daughter (5 at the time) came to me and told me that her big brother had made her take her pants down and he had put his willy "in her bottom". Eldest always denied anything had happened. We spoke to our contact at CAMHS, who contacted Social Services who basically said "just keep them apart when you are not in the room". And that was pretty much that. And we have kept them apart ever since - or at least made sure they are never alone together in privacy.

Anyway - driving to school with my two youngest today and my 6 year old said "My brother makes me suck his willy". He said it has happened more than once, and that he also tries to make him use his hand on his willy. So... keep calm. We had a discussion about how eldest was naughty to ask him to do something like that, and that if anyone did again then to say No and tell me or a teacher. And then I dropped him off at school, and went to phone CAMHS for advice.

They haven't phoned back (I have phoned again, during the day). And I don't know what to do. I am so upset - I am upset for my youngest children, having had something like this happen to them - I am upset for my eldest too, because he is so odd and he is going to end up in prison or something and probably without a clue what he did to get there. And somehow I have to find something I can do to make it better. And I can't think what to do.

OP posts:
crazynanna · 07/03/2012 12:44

Sending you strength BM xx

bagelmonkey · 07/03/2012 13:00

I hope they give you the help you need

nenevomito · 07/03/2012 13:05

Really sorry that you are having to deal with this. I'm not surprised you can't concentrate on anything else. I hope you get the help and support you need to get through this.

MysteriousHamster · 07/03/2012 13:19

Thinking of you. Can't imagine how hard all of this must be.

MrsMicawber · 07/03/2012 13:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KWL51 · 07/03/2012 14:24

what a dreadful situation for you to be in.

I really hope that you and your family get the help and support that you all so desperatley need.

LemonDifficult · 07/03/2012 14:28

I hope the meeting has been helpful.

You really are in any parent's nightmare and you have to commend yourself for staying strong.

LunarRose · 07/03/2012 14:56

Hoping you are ok x

merlincat · 07/03/2012 14:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PommePoire · 07/03/2012 15:33

Have been following your thread with a sense of hopelessness that I can offer no constructive advice. I just wanted to post something to offer you some emotional and moral support though.

You are not 'badmammy' you are 'goodmammy' because you are trying to do the best you can for all three of your beloved children. I hope very sincerely that you get some practical assistance and support from the professionals who are visting you today. Good luck goodmammy

Original poster
badmammy · 07/03/2012 15:45

OK - they have gone now. It seemed a positive meeting, and they are taking things seriously, but not aggressively so. We have had to sign a contract to say that eldest will not be allowed to be alone with youngest two at any time, and that one of us will sleep in the same room as him. We are not to let him and any other child be upstairs unsupervised. This will be until they have a strategy meeting and decide what to do next. They did want us to send eldest to stay somewhere else, but we have no-one local we could ask.

So - as first steps go, it is not too bad. And they do seem to be saying that they will be offering help.

They wanted to know if youngest wanted to press criminal charges against eldest - or rather if I did on his behalf. How the fuck was I supposed to answer that?

I have to go and talk to the the little one's school now. They are contacting eldest's school to make sure that he will not be unsupervised with anyone at his school. Not sure how they are going to manage that, to be honest.

OP posts:
swooosh · 07/03/2012 15:53

Been thinking of you all day x

PatsyPlusOne · 07/03/2012 15:55

Op (won't call you 'badmammy' because I don't think you are one), I have just read your thread and though I can offer no practical advice I just wanted to give you some v un-mumsnetty (((hugs))). I am shocked that you have had to chase so many times to get the authorities involved and support you in what must be an appalling situation. Hope you are able to come up with a good strategy in conjunction with SS and can find some way of bringing your family through this.

MrsJonesisright · 07/03/2012 15:58

You are a good mother to your children. You are right, as a first step, this sounds like they want to help you. I can't imagine what they expected you to respond to the pressing charges question, but I have no doubt they just have to ask you.

I hope things get better for you all.

porcamiseria · 07/03/2012 15:59

I am so sorry, so so sorry

good luck, my heart goes out to you

Lougle · 07/03/2012 16:56

bm - well done. Just well done. Help starts here.

One step at a time. Your DS is lucky that he is 14 and not 24. It really is the best time for this to happen, if it had too.

LemonDifficult · 07/03/2012 17:57

OP (not badanything), how is your DH doing? Has he seen/spoken to the DC?

Coconutty · 07/03/2012 17:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thisisyesterday · 07/03/2012 18:05

badmammy, i am glad the meeting went "well"

i'll repeat what I said before... i really hope they can offer ALL members of your family the help and support you need

and wishing you all the strength you need to get through this

RabidEchidna · 07/03/2012 18:12

What a terrible situation to be in Sad
I think what ever you do your first priority must be the protection of your youngest children and their needs must come frst

Strawbezza · 07/03/2012 18:29

Just caught up with this thread. badmammy you have done well today. You have my greatest respect for how you're handling this.

chocolateyclur · 07/03/2012 18:35

You have done so well - I cannot imagine what you are going through.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 07/03/2012 18:50

Rabid - must they? Really? So the needs of her eldest child (with special needs) aren't equally important? In my world, you don't 'pick' one child over another - you love them and do your best for all of them equally.

Mammy - I'm really pleased that they are being helpful and neither brushing you off or taking unnecessarily aggressive action.

How is DH today? I would be having strong words with him too - about loving and caring about ALL of your children. The last thing you need is him 'taking sides' or lashing out at your eldest :(

merlincat · 07/03/2012 18:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RabidEchidna · 07/03/2012 18:55

I am not saying the needs of the eldest child do not matter, I am saying the needs of the younger ones right now come first as they are in danger.
I have two children one is SN and if he was abusing his sibling my priority would be to keep that child safe.

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