Feel sick and have no idea what to do

[badmammy]

This is crap. So crap. I don't know what to do, and desperately need some advice.

I am a regular on MN, but have namechanged for this, as it is "somewhat sensitive". Bloody understatement. I have 3 children - a 14 year old boy who has special needs - Asperger Syndrome, ADHD and Tourettes, to name a few. I also have an 8 year old girl and a 6 year old boy.

I'm going to start with the background. About 3 years ago my daughter (5 at the time) came to me and told me that her big brother had made her take her pants down and he had put his willy "in her bottom". Eldest always denied anything had happened. We spoke to our contact at CAMHS, who contacted Social Services who basically said "just keep them apart when you are not in the room". And that was pretty much that. And we have kept them apart ever since - or at least made sure they are never alone together in privacy.

Anyway - driving to school with my two youngest today and my 6 year old said "My brother makes me suck his willy". He said it has happened more than once, and that he also tries to make him use his hand on his willy. So... keep calm. We had a discussion about how eldest was naughty to ask him to do something like that, and that if anyone did again then to say No and tell me or a teacher. And then I dropped him off at school, and went to phone CAMHS for advice.

They haven't phoned back (I have phoned again, during the day). And I don't know what to do. I am so upset - I am upset for my youngest children, having had something like this happen to them - I am upset for my eldest too, because he is so odd and he is going to end up in prison or something and probably without a clue what he did to get there. And somehow I have to find something I can do to make it better. And I can't think what to do.

I envisaged string with paper napkins pegged onto it across the doorway..

Seriously though BM I have read all the thread and can only offer support and good wishes

Just found this as I was looking for a lock for my bedroom door

www.diy.com/nav/fix/electrical/security-alarms/doors_windows/Response-Twin-Door-Window-Alarms-ML3-White-10647506?icamp=recs

B&Q btw

Trying to decide whether I should go to the doctor and ask to be signed off work for a couple of weeks whilst I deal with this.

I can't decide if the potential negative effect on my career (and there may well be one - trying to speak in vague terms now, but I have recently been accepted for "the next step" of my career - subject to satisfactory health checks, etc.) is outweighed by my being more available for the children. They, after all, will be in school most of the time anyway, and my work pretty much fits into their school hours. On the other hand I would have more space for getting my head around it all and being a "good mum" rather than an "always in a rush and busy" mum. Also I wouldn't have to negotiate the time off I am going to need over the next couple of weeks - with Taith, SS, and CAMHS appointments all due. I've got a fair bit of leave coming up to cover the children's holidays from the 29th, so a couple of weeks now and then that should hopefully see us through the worst of it.

I can't decide if it would be best or if I ought to just keep things going as far as I can....

What happens during school holidays? Bearing in mind Easter is coming up..

And summer. God, it will be upon us soon

i think, under the circumstances, no one could fault you for taking some time off and i totally understand your dilemma, but i would do what you feel you need to do, i think you have enough on your plate without worrying about work too. Id take some time off if its something you can arrange without too many problems.

I already have easter booked off, so that is not a problem. Thank goodness.

My gut feeling is to take some time so that the home side of things runs as smoothly as possible for the children for the time being.

I am just aware that being seen as "flakey" by my work side of things could have repercussions - which in turn would affect all of us.

I suspect I may take the risk though.

Instead of being signed off sick, could you use some of your parental leave entitlement? It's unpaid, but if you have a "subject to health checks" clause then wouldn't being signed off for "stress" or similar adversely affect this career move? As for what to tell them, maybe a vague "DS is having a bad patch with his SN at the moment" could possibly work?

Info on parental leave is here:
www.direct.gov.uk/en/Parents/Moneyandworkentitlements/WorkAndFamilies/Parentalleaveandflexibleworking/DG_10029416

OP, I can't offer any help or advice, though thank god for the wonderful posters on here who can.

I just wanted to say that I have nothing but empathy for the pain you must be feeling and respect for the way that you are handling it. I know that I'm just a random stranger and what I think is irrelevant, but I also know that in your place I would be fearing and expecting condemnation and judgement of me, my son, my family and my actions and, clumsy as this post may be, I wanted you to know that. And while I cannot know what it feels like to deal with the extra pressures imposed by your son's special needs and wouldn't claim to, it doesn't take much effort on my part to understand that you've had to protect your son and fight for him in a way most of us don't and that must make this even harder. Judgemental posters who feel entitled to pick at your story for holes as though it's entertainment don't speak for me or, in fact, anyone.

OP, I cant imagine how hard it is, but my gut would be to try and keep working for now, and I'd say the same to a friend

(a) its will keep you sane
(b) save the need/parental leave for when you REALLY need it, ie appoitments.holidays

If they are mainly at school you will not really acheive much at home anway?

If you need a day to "breathe" take one, but I sense you need your job right now

and I am not sure how you can be a good not rushed mummy at home anyway

again I echo what hester said, you are doing everything you can

dont beat yourself up, its a waste of precous energy

Bump - how are things op?

Thanks for asking, fussbucket. It is all a bit strange, really.

The children are fine - it really seems to be business as usual for them. My husband and I are racked with guilt and horror at the whole business, but the children have just accepted it and moved on to a certain extent. Youngest doesn't seem the slightest bit concerned - and never has. He would have shown more concern had eldest broken one of his lego models. This just doesn't seem to mean anything to him. Which is good - but I do worry about how it will be when he reaches 14 or 16 and has a memory of what happened and it DOES then mean something to him, if you see what I mean?

SS are being crap. As I said earlier our actual SW has gone on holiday for 2 weeks. I finally managed to get hold of her replacement yesterday evening (she had been off until Wednesday too, apparently). She confirmed that we need to keep up the 24 hour supervision for eldest, as well as driving him to school rather than letting him walk. Which is fine, but it does mean I have to drive for 45 minutes to take the youngest 2 to their school, then all the way back to drop eldest at his school, and then back to near the youngest's school as I work very close to it (which is why we chose it). This week my husband has been able to pick eldest up from school, but I am not sure how we are going to manage next week when he can't do it - in the morning I can drop the little ones off at 8am and sone off at 8L50, so that is OK, but after school eldest needs to be picked up at 3:30 and youngest by 4:00 at the latest, so that is going to be difficult. Ignoring the fact that I often should start work at 9am and finish just before 4:00 so am both late and having to leave really early at the moment. So that is a nightmare logistically.

Not only that but we have to continue this until eldest is assessed by Taith, and they have formally decided how much of a "risk" he is - and apparently SS haven't even referred him to Taith yet, and won't until April because of "budget concerns" which I am sorry but is EXTREMELY crap. I feel like the progress my son had been making socially (and he had been - in the past 3 months or so he had started bringing friends home from school, chatting to others in the street and generally beginning to interact with other people) will be completely destroyed by this enforced isolation from the rest of society - and there seems to be no hurry to end it, which I feel is really unfair. So he won't even be referred for about a month - say it takes another 2 weeks or so for the assessment process to start, apparently it will take about 4 weeks to complete the assessment - only then will the POSSIBLY decide to relax the restrictions. Alternatively it might be even longer. I don't mind doing what is necessary - but I do mind having an extra month of this shoved on the whole deal because of "budget concerns".

On the plus side they have agreed to using a door alarm, so I am going to go and get one today. Which will be helpful as my husband is away all this weekend, and I have to somehow manage all this on my own.

Sorry - this has turned out a bit long. In summary - I am stressed and miserable, my husband is struggling with the whole, and the children are fine. Don't let me get started on what my son's teachers said about him when I went to his Parents evening/GCSE options eveing this week. :(

'Budget concerns'!!!! No wonder you're livid! I've lurked all the way through this thread, not contributing as I have absolutely no practical advice to give, I don't normally post a generally sort of sympathetic thing but you really deserve unMNetty hugs more than most.

I agree with Maryz. I'd be contacting Barnardos and Taith directly without waiting for SS to do so.

Presumably SS would have to fund the Taith placemnet, so they will be dragging their heels and I wouldn't be surprised if it was mnay months after April before this was sorted, as SS will want Edication Service to chip in and posssibly even NHS too. So they'll need a multi-disciplinary meeting with all parties present...yada..yada...yada

Also, don't assume that Taith will have the capacity to take him immediately - these sort of services are scarce and can have waiting lists. I know from experience that our LA expected my DS to go to a residential placment for ASD post-16 - but 'forgot' to check whether a place would be available for him. By contacting that proposed residential placemnet myself, i found it was full

Meanwhile your life, both domestically and work-wise, is on hold as they expect you to act as his unpaid jailer

So, I would contact Taith to find out what vacancies it has and also contact my Local Councillor to complain that this urgent matter is effectively 'on hold' while some SS worker enjoys her annual leave. Councillors do have sway, especially when you point out that you've brought this potential risk to the attention of the Council and they should not be expecting you to manage it - that is their role.

As for involving the Police - well I'm speechless. This behaviour can be managed without having to resort to the judiciary. Prosecuting a person with ASD is of no benefit to him or society. He needs assistance to undertand what is / is not appropriate as this is not something that comes naturally to some people with ASD. That's where Taith come in.

And I would also ensure that any conversations I had with SS etc are followed up in writing. Phone calls they can deny having received. Letters on file are much more difficult to ignore.

Best wishes

How are you doing OP?

How are things going Badmammy,you've not posted for a while??Thinking about you.

Hi BM

Hope you are ok and are somehow managing to cope. Have to confess I haven't read the thread entirely, but most of it.

Very briefly, I have a 12 yr old boy and two small ones, DS2 age 4.5 and DD 16mths, we are struggling massively with ds1 the mo, though this is more in terms of physical violence than sexual, though I do fear massively for the future, we are currently looking into the possibilityof residential ed for him, for the safety of us all.

Anyway, I'm sorry I don't have any constructive advice, but if you want to chat further pm me. I fully appreciate it's a torturous situation for all concerned. Take Care

what has your eldest said about all this, and what have you said to him?
You say he has aspergers, so his intelligence is normal?

I had a situation a year ago where my eldest who was 10 at the time once i saw him on the sofa with my 3 year old, looking at her privates.
I went a bit mental at him. Not horribly so, but i wanted him to know the severity of it, and told him that it was wrong and AGAINST THE LAW to do that, and he wasnt allowed to touch anyones private areas except his own, and that if he ever did that again the police would come and put him in prison.
I also stopped her from running around naked.

You havent mentioned once what you have said to your son or how youve dealt with it. Its a bloody horrible situation, but just because a child has special needs, its still bloody serious if hes raped his brother and sister, and I think he needs to be removed from the house.
Is he being made to realise the seriousness of it? I know that autistic children can have trouble with whats appropriate and whats not in a sexual context as they get older, but these things can be taught, and theyre not taught by downplaying it or pretending hes incapable of knowing right from wrong.

www.communitycare.co.uk/Articles/25/01/2007/102969/Inappropriate-sexual-behaviour-the-risk-factor.-Andrew-Durham-and-Patrick-Ayre-on-the-case-of-an.htm