Feel sick and have no idea what to do

[badmammy]

This is crap. So crap. I don't know what to do, and desperately need some advice.

I am a regular on MN, but have namechanged for this, as it is "somewhat sensitive". Bloody understatement. I have 3 children - a 14 year old boy who has special needs - Asperger Syndrome, ADHD and Tourettes, to name a few. I also have an 8 year old girl and a 6 year old boy.

I'm going to start with the background. About 3 years ago my daughter (5 at the time) came to me and told me that her big brother had made her take her pants down and he had put his willy "in her bottom". Eldest always denied anything had happened. We spoke to our contact at CAMHS, who contacted Social Services who basically said "just keep them apart when you are not in the room". And that was pretty much that. And we have kept them apart ever since - or at least made sure they are never alone together in privacy.

Anyway - driving to school with my two youngest today and my 6 year old said "My brother makes me suck his willy". He said it has happened more than once, and that he also tries to make him use his hand on his willy. So... keep calm. We had a discussion about how eldest was naughty to ask him to do something like that, and that if anyone did again then to say No and tell me or a teacher. And then I dropped him off at school, and went to phone CAMHS for advice.

They haven't phoned back (I have phoned again, during the day). And I don't know what to do. I am so upset - I am upset for my youngest children, having had something like this happen to them - I am upset for my eldest too, because he is so odd and he is going to end up in prison or something and probably without a clue what he did to get there. And somehow I have to find something I can do to make it better. And I can't think what to do.

I'm not suprised by the "Ring us tomorrow" attitude. I have experienced SS not seeming to see how urgent things really are. Hang in there 'Badmummy'. You are doing the best you can in the circumstances. You are not sitting back and you have mine and others support.

Yes, I was thinking about that too, Coconutty. I just discussed keeping him home with my husband. Eldest has been off for the past 2 days anyway with a high fever, so it wouldn't seem strange for him to be home another day.

As it happens I have an appointment with his SENCO tomorrow anyway, about the school not making any effort to meet his needs from my point of view, but about his bad attitude and lack of engagement from theirs (they make him write everything down, despite the fact he can't even read his own writing, and then are surprised he doesn't want to do it.) So I guess I might have to change the agenda a bit.

What a terrible position to be in, notabadmammy. As you said, you're being torn in two by your instinct to protect ALL your children. TBH it shocks me that you weren't offered more support 3 years back - what kind of shite advice is 'keep them apart' when you're all living in the same house?

But this is the point where you really need to prepare yourself for the idea that your eldest might not be able to carry on living within this family environment. He needs (temporary) specialist foster care in an otherwise childless household. He needs a specialist assessment to get to the root of why he is doing this, and what can be done, if anything, to ensure that it will stop (and keep him out of prison, as you rightly fear). And your younger 2 might well need some sort of post-trauma counselling (at the very least you need to find out more about the possible effects on them of having been sexually abused). If your eldest is in foster care you could visit him frequently in a controlled environment while knowing 100% that your youngest 2 are safe.

But all that is easier said than done, I realise. Especially given the financial constraints on SS in the UK. I don't think ANY of us should dare to criticise you when we've never faced anything this horrible. But you also need to acknowledge that your youngest 2 have faced something horrible, and they need your protection most of all now. Best of luck with what lies ahead.

Sorry nothing to post that would help in any way.

What a horribly heart breaking situation you are in. I hope you get all the help and support that you need.

Please keep us updated.

mumofjust1 can I suggest that you stop posting on this thread? You have made your thoughts clear.

badmummy - I believe you.

Really, this poor woman doesn't need people picking her to bits (not referring to people who have suggested this isn't being taken seriously enough by relevant services). She needs people to help her cope with what is a living nightmare.

There are 5 people sitting somewhere tonight whose life has been turned upside down.

Trying to work out what I need to do tomorrow and how to get it all done.

CAMHS don't seem to answer their phone til around 9am.

The NSPCC gave me the phone number of the duty social worker - I guess I should phone them at around 9 as well.

I have an appointment with the school at 10am.

My husband would normally take the little ones to school tomorrow. Should I take them and try to speak to someone first thing? Or should I let him take them and I will phone and make an appointment to talk to their school at pick up time?

Think I will go to bed now, and leave facing this until tomorrow. I will let you know what happens.

Thank you to those who felt able to be supportive. It is such a difficult thing - not something I feel able to talk to people about in real life.

Good idea to keep him off school tomorrow.

And another good idea to talk to the SENCO, they may be able to speed up the process, target the correct professionals, and obviously they already have knowledge and experience of dealing with your son.

Good luck, BM

it seems you have been shouldering all this on your own for far too long, with disastrous consequences

I hope your family gets the help it so desperately needs

Thanks for the suggestion Lougle

Personally I would keep your 14 year old DS off school tomorrow. I wouldn't discuss this with either school until you've spoken to SS and they've decided what they're going to do. I think your little ones' school should be informed on a need-to-know basis only, in order to protect their privacy. It's not obvious why they would need to be told anything at this stage.

It's been more than 10 years since I dealt with a case like this so I'm not at all up to date, but in that situation the teenager went to a residential therepeutic unit to get help. I hope you get an intervention like that, although I know it must be very difficult to contemplate.

Good luck and keep us updated xx

BM - I remember when it all happened with DS1 & DD :( I can't believe it was 3 years ago.

Take from this thread the bits that help you and ignore the bits that don't.

Personally, I would be playing this down as much as possible with DS2 (& DD), they are young (esp DS) and as you can see from DD, it's the fuss she remembers, not what actually happened with her brother.

Clearly DS1 needs more help to understand just how wrong this is and hopefully someone can help you with that tomorrow.

For what it's worth, badmammy, I think you have so far dealt with an extraordinarily difficult situation very well. Particularly, I think you are right to try to keep things calm and 'normal' for your younger kids, tho this must be very hard to do.
Don't expect (I'm sure you don't) that things will go the way they did last time. Then, your eldest was just 11 and SS will have evaluated risks and decided it was a one-off piece of sexual experimentation. This time, they (like you) can't draw the same conclusion. And safeguarding practices have changed a lot in the past 3 years, in most areas. They will need to be sure your youngest children are safe, and whether you can keep them safe. They, and you, will need to decide whether it is at all possible for the small children to be safe living in the same home as the eldest.
They will also consider the safety of any/all other children who might come into contact with your son, in your home and elsewhere.
The really brutal thing is that it is conceivable that they decide it's easier for them to remove the youngest children than find specialist provision for the eldest. Other people have posted here about eldest children being physically violent to younger ones, and asking for help, and being told this.
SS may also (they should) consider your eldest son's own safeguarding, because of his disabilities, including the possibility of whether he has 'learned' inappropriate sexual behaviour because someone did or is doing inappropriate things to him.

It is probably going to be very hard, op. I wish you well.

Hope you are ok today NOTabadmum
Will be thinking of you, and I hope you get some support you need today from the phonecalls

Well. I phoned CAMHS first - apparently our contact is at a meeting, no-one else is available, but they might phone back this afternoon. Thanks a bunch. The secretary asked me "Has it got worse?" How much more bloody worse does it need to be?

So I phoned SS and gave them the information. The woman I spoke to is going to speak to her manager and then phone me back at about 11 (when I get back from the school). She suspects that they will come out and complete an initial assessment.

I am worried that they won't help me. I am desperately afraid that they will just say "supervise much more closely" and leave me to cope. And we will never get to the bottom of this behaviour, and nothing will actually get better.

I'm trying very hard not to fall apart.

I'm pretty confident they will do something given the seriousness of the behaviour, so try not to worry about that now.

In the unlikely event that they didn't, I would suggest consulting a solicitor specialising in child protection work to get the help your DS needs, but one step at a time.

Keep strong BM ( this is such an inappropriate name ) .
Have no advice apart from trust yourself and your instincts .
You are in such a dreadful position and I think that you are to be congratulated for the way you're handling things .
Be nice to yourself ,take care of yourself ( food ,tea , hot baths ,walk if you can ,sleep ) .
One step at a time .
Please God the school were helpful and compassionate ,but I won't be surprised to hear they weren't .
It takes a lot of experience and humanity to do more than " play it by the book " .
Not much help I know but so many of us on here are sending you good thoughts and virtual hugs .

Well, I've been to the school and I did mention the issue, and whilst they thanked me for letting them know they clearly wanted to stick to the educational side of the agenda. So fine.

CAMHS still haven't called back. I will give them til 2pm before I start making a nuisance of myself.

SS appear to be playing "pass the client". I think they have finally decided on the Disability Team, but they are now going to mull it over and will apparently get back to me "soon"....

I can't settle to anything. I have an extremely important presentation I am supposed to be preparing for work tomorrow, and I just can't face it. I'm just sitting staring into space.

A presentation for work ?
Of course you can't concentrate .
Walk round the block and start on the presentation ?
Bound to guarantee a returned phone call .
How dreadful for you .

They have just phoned. They are coming around in an hour with the police.

I feel like I am dying inside.

And then I am wondering if I should do the washing up before they get here. I am so shallow.

Oh BM
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I have no advice, but I'm thinking of you. X

Just to wish you luck for the meeting. Am thinking of you. You are not a badmammy, you are trying to do right by all of your children and no wonder it is tearing you apart.

And do the washing up if it makes you feel better, just to be 'doing something'.

Stay strong.