Feel sick and have no idea what to do

[badmammy]

This is crap. So crap. I don't know what to do, and desperately need some advice.

I am a regular on MN, but have namechanged for this, as it is "somewhat sensitive". Bloody understatement. I have 3 children - a 14 year old boy who has special needs - Asperger Syndrome, ADHD and Tourettes, to name a few. I also have an 8 year old girl and a 6 year old boy.

I'm going to start with the background. About 3 years ago my daughter (5 at the time) came to me and told me that her big brother had made her take her pants down and he had put his willy "in her bottom". Eldest always denied anything had happened. We spoke to our contact at CAMHS, who contacted Social Services who basically said "just keep them apart when you are not in the room". And that was pretty much that. And we have kept them apart ever since - or at least made sure they are never alone together in privacy.

Anyway - driving to school with my two youngest today and my 6 year old said "My brother makes me suck his willy". He said it has happened more than once, and that he also tries to make him use his hand on his willy. So... keep calm. We had a discussion about how eldest was naughty to ask him to do something like that, and that if anyone did again then to say No and tell me or a teacher. And then I dropped him off at school, and went to phone CAMHS for advice.

They haven't phoned back (I have phoned again, during the day). And I don't know what to do. I am so upset - I am upset for my youngest children, having had something like this happen to them - I am upset for my eldest too, because he is so odd and he is going to end up in prison or something and probably without a clue what he did to get there. And somehow I have to find something I can do to make it better. And I can't think what to do.

in that case get onto her manager on monday and tell her that you really can't go on like this for another 2 weeks just because this woman is on holiday. it's really unfair for you, and terribly unfair on your children to live in limbo while you wait to see what will be done and to try and move on

the Taith place sounds like it's just what your DS needs. Did you say the referral to that had already been made?

Yes, they were at the strategy meeting. So I think that is the most important part in place. We should hear from the at the beginning of next week.

I think the most difficult thing about this is that my husband is having to sleep in my son's bedroom - and then in the evening we have eldest son downstairs with us all the time - when he goes up to bed one of us has to go up too. So there is no time for us to really spend ANY time together in private - to talk or anything. It is weird - because I don't actually mind him not being in the same bedroom as such, it is just missing the moments together that are just the two of us.

Funnily enough I am sort of enjoying eldest having to be downstairs more - he normally vanishes upstairs and we hardly see him unless we nag him to come back down. Now he is having to spend time with us.

Well good for you mummy must be nice to live in a world where this sort of thing only happens to fake people on fake threads if you can't contribute in any useful way on this special needs board then I respectfully suggest you go the fuck away and judge somewhere else.
Op, I hear you. It must be so hard for you all right now.

Mummy - I can't believe you're for real tbh. Dear God.

OP - the Taith service looks ideal. It's also good news that SS are sorting out counselling for your youngest.

Oh FFS Mummy -do you know how much harder this is made by people pulling apart my every word looking for things to criticise? I am trying to find an element of emotional support here, not vultures looking to disprove me if I express myself badly.

Obviously the entire situation is difficult. Horrendously so.

But the measures put in place to protect the children are making it more difficult in a practical sense - although I can see why they are necessary and I am following them completely.

But that is having an impact on the family. In effect it has isolated my husband and I from one another. There is no opportunity for us to discuss this, to try to get our heads around it together. We are both left to deal with it separately and alone. And I don't think that is good for us as a couple, and that in itself is not good for us as a family.

That is what I meant.

But frankly, I don't give a stuff whether you believe me or not. It doesn't make any difference at all. Just keep your thoughts to yourself if you don't have anything supportive or helpful to say. Please.

the Taith service looks promising, but i think you need to press for action sooner, you cannot possibly carry on like this for 2 weeks and i think its unfair to all of you to expect this simply because someone has a holiday.

Mummieinamuddle do you really think that the OP wanting some private time with her husband to talk things through, get emotional support off each other etc is a bad thing? Do you and your husband not lean on each other when things are tough?

Its obviously going to be difficult when the needed practical response is to not spend time with your spouse.

BM I have just read the whole thread.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this situation.
I am sorry for all of your DCs.

This is a situation I dread. I have a DS with SN and who has younger siblings. I have no reason to think that he will do something but given his SN, I dont know, it just worries me.

The stuff you say about knowing what is wrong but that meaning 'dont get caught' it hits the nail on the head.

I hope you can get the help for the little ones and your eldest and yourself.

For thowe who are about the intial response of SS - dont be. It happens. Parents are dismissed and issues minimized.

Trying to get emotional/behavioural support for older children with complex SN can be a nightmare.

Good luck with everything. I have no idea how I would deal with this. I dont think any of us do. Even the ones who seem to think they would.

Oh BM I can sympathise with the feeling of having no space this is why me and dh have separated, although we are still best of friends.
Can you not get an alarm for his room and put all the things he needs in there? This is what ss told us to do. We have been living like this for 6 months now and thankfully I am moving to a bigger house and me and dh can work on us.
It's sad but we chose to put our relationship on a back burner for a while but thankfully we are rebuilding that slowly.
I wish I could be of more help to you

Northernmonkey - what sort of alarm do you use? We used to have a movement activated one which we used when eldest was around 3 or 4 and used to creep downstairs in the morning and put cutlery etc in the microwave :S and other things he shouldn't have been doing, but to be honest it didn't work too well.

I dont know if it would help but we have a video baby monitor for DS2. We dont use it all the time and we always tell him when its on. Its very handy for keeping an eye on him when he picks up a new behaviour.

BM - I think the alarm is a very good idea, at least then you and DH will get some of your evening to talk. Hopefully someone will recommend a good one for you to get.

I really hope that your DH gets some counselling too through this - he needs it and you need him to have it. He simply has to learn to cope with DS1's additional needs and not treat him as though he doesn't have them. It's not fair on DS1 and it's not fair on you.

I think you are going to have to be a seriously squeeky wheel to get the help you need otherwise you will get the mimimum help and it will take ages.

The alarm we have is a simple home made kit from napkins. I'm seeing dh later so I'll ask him were from. It sounds like the shop buzzers and goes of until someone gets up to turn it off. I'll get back to you with a better description in a bit.
We have to use this for the very same reasons as BM and ss loved the idea

Not napkins maplins (on iPhone)

There are several options here.

OK - sure we can find something at Maplins. I will pop out there and look tomorrow, and speak to SS about it on Monday.

Mary - I laughed as well...

stupid iPhone. Maybe a napkin alarm is the way forward?...
But really, thanks for the link, that's pretty much what we have. It's an alarm that gies off when the connection is broken (the door opens).
Definitely worth a try