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SN teens and young adults

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Original poster

Feel sick and have no idea what to do

248 replies

badmammy · 06/03/2012 18:07

This is crap. So crap. I don't know what to do, and desperately need some advice.

I am a regular on MN, but have namechanged for this, as it is "somewhat sensitive". Bloody understatement. I have 3 children - a 14 year old boy who has special needs - Asperger Syndrome, ADHD and Tourettes, to name a few. I also have an 8 year old girl and a 6 year old boy.

I'm going to start with the background. About 3 years ago my daughter (5 at the time) came to me and told me that her big brother had made her take her pants down and he had put his willy "in her bottom". Eldest always denied anything had happened. We spoke to our contact at CAMHS, who contacted Social Services who basically said "just keep them apart when you are not in the room". And that was pretty much that. And we have kept them apart ever since - or at least made sure they are never alone together in privacy.

Anyway - driving to school with my two youngest today and my 6 year old said "My brother makes me suck his willy". He said it has happened more than once, and that he also tries to make him use his hand on his willy. So... keep calm. We had a discussion about how eldest was naughty to ask him to do something like that, and that if anyone did again then to say No and tell me or a teacher. And then I dropped him off at school, and went to phone CAMHS for advice.

They haven't phoned back (I have phoned again, during the day). And I don't know what to do. I am so upset - I am upset for my youngest children, having had something like this happen to them - I am upset for my eldest too, because he is so odd and he is going to end up in prison or something and probably without a clue what he did to get there. And somehow I have to find something I can do to make it better. And I can't think what to do.

OP posts:
ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 07/03/2012 19:06

Rabid - their immediate needs have already been met - they are being kept safe, this benefits all 3 children. Now all of the children need equal care, love & support.

Lougle · 07/03/2012 19:08

"I have two children one is SN and if he was abusing his sibling my priority would be to keep that child safe."

RabidEchidna - You should realise that in order to keep the younger children safe, first, the OP HAS to somehow prioritise her eldest DS too.

If she puts all her energy into 'protecting' the younger children, her eye could slip off her eldest DS.

What is, now, a contained risk, could very easily become a messy, uncontainable risk to other children.

The OP's son is 14 - Yes, he has SN, yes he is emotionally younger than his years. He will be as strong as any other 14 year old. A 14 year old boy who doesn't want to be contained is a hard battle.

RabidEchidna · 07/03/2012 19:12

Yes but the long term needs need to be met and the long term safety of the younger children is paramount, yes the eldest child needs support of course he does.

AnyFucker · 07/03/2012 19:18

RE I knew what you meant

ThatVikRinA22 · 07/03/2012 19:40

hi op, just wanted to say my heart really goes out to you and i think you have handled this in absolutely the correct way.

You, and all your children need help. I think posting this thread has been very brave, and i know first hand that unless our SN kids are causing a nuisance to anyone else they and their families are left to struggle on. (my son has AS, dyspraxia and dyslexia, and has been the victim of bullying, assault and robbery)

i have a friend whose son with AS has been the victim of another family member, also with SN, in very similar circumstances to what you describe.

Keep posting if it helps, and i do now hope that SS will sit up and listen to what you have said to them and work with you and your children.

Have you heard of Carol Grays social strories for your eldest at all? perhaps something along those lines could help show your eldest what is and is not appropriate....but social services need to work with you. What is his capacity for understanding like?

Original poster
badmammy · 07/03/2012 19:43

I wish it were as easy to unpick as that, RE. I think I know what you mean - but really what I need most is to find a path that looks after all the children. Because something like this can wreck all of their lives.

And I don't want that to happen to any of them.

Chipping - regarding my husband - yes. Something really needs to be done. I am hoping that we might be able to access help on this too - find some way to help my husband understand and connect with eldest better. At the moment he doesn't even want to talk to him.

OP posts:
RabidEchidna · 07/03/2012 19:47

OP I am not in anyway saying your eldest child's needs should not be met or that you should love him less, it is a terrible position to be in and my heart goes out to you, but quite rightly you have started to do everything you can to protect your youngest children.
I hope you find a solution and all the help you need, but please don't feel that you are a bad mummy because you are not

Original poster
badmammy · 07/03/2012 19:49

Thanks for the Social Stories suggestion, Vicar. It is certainly worth trying.

His understanding is - patchy. Some things he gets really well, other things he is oblivious to. And that is really my concern (one of my concerns) - that he does know when something is "wrong" but it doesn't stop him doing it. Whether it is impulsiveness, or whether he really doesn't understand WHY they are wrong - just that if he is "found out" he will be in trouble, so he must hide it....

I don't know.

OP posts:
Kaloobear · 07/03/2012 20:03

I have no words of wisdom but my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family OP. I can't imagine how you or any of the children are feeling and I'm desperately sorry for you. You sound incredibly strong. I hope all the support networks out there swing into place ASAP-for all of you.

MissBeehivingUnderTheMistletoe · 07/03/2012 20:10

Can't offer any helpful advice, but just to offer virtual support Sad

abbierhodes · 07/03/2012 20:14

OP, I was very harsh on this thread yesterday, I'm really sorry.

You sound calm, strong and together. I really hope you and your family get the support you need.

Original poster
badmammy · 07/03/2012 20:31

That is OK, abbie. Thank you for apologising.

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 07/03/2012 20:32

I have no advice goodmammy but wanted to let you know my heart could break for you. What a sad situation for you all. I think you are being very strong. x

MrsMuddyPuddles · 07/03/2012 20:47

OP I didn't want to just read and not say anything. :(

I do have to ask about "They did want us to send eldest to stay somewhere else, but we have no-one local we could ask."

I'm surprised naiive enough that SS didn't offer to take him in for a while, since you don't have anyone local to take him in for a bit.

Good luck.

HeroFactory · 07/03/2012 23:40

I guess ss didnt have anywhere for him to go to...

porcamiseria · 08/03/2012 08:31

i was thinking about this last night

honest to god, I am worried that by protecting your eldest you are exposing your younger ones to more risk

If it were a neighbours child that did this, you would come down on them like a ton of bricks

If he DID this to a neighbours child, they would report him and he would likely be prosectuted

please dont let the fact that he is your child blind you to the fact he has committed a very serious crime

Its a terrible situation, and I can see that there is no easy solution

but I feel more for your 2 young girls who are living with someone that abused them

porcamiseria · 08/03/2012 08:40

I also dont think you are "having to choose", I know the mothers tiger instinct .......but he has committed a crime, I almost think you need to let the authorities decide what will happen.

again I am so sorry, but I echo others that say this could have some serious repurcussons when you younger kidsa grow up and realise what happended

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Original poster
badmammy · 08/03/2012 08:46

porcamiseria - you are right - if it were someone else I would react differently. Of course I would. But it is not. And I can't support one child and ignore the needs of the other - that wouldn't be the right thing to do either.

It is awful. And I feel dreadful that my youngest have to live with someone who has done this to them.

And then - playing devil's advocate (and trust me, my head has done nothing but spin with the whole of this). What IF my youngest is lying? I don't think he is - but I only have the fact that I think it is more likely he is telling the truth. I have no actual proof. What if my eldest has suddenly been dumped in a situation where dreadful accusations are being made about him, and then the people who are supposed to care most reject him totally on the basis of his brother's accusation? I actually don't think this is the case - and that breaks my heart too - but I cannot let the eldest think he is unsupported and rejected either. It would ruin any chance of him ever being able to sort himself out. I can't do that to him.

It is crap. All of them are clearly finding it difficult. Eldest won't even talk about it. He won't speak to the others other than when we first got home last night when he shouted at youngest that the measures being taken to protect them all (and which involve for the time being none of their friends being able to come round) were the fault of the youngest.

I don't know what else I can do. The youngest children are safe, they are having lots of love and support. At the moment I can do nothing else.

MrsMicawber- if you are still here - I have been thinking about what you said. I don't know quite what your situation was, but can I ask you. Was their anything that a parent could have done for you to make it better?

OP posts:
throckenholt · 08/03/2012 08:48

This is an awful thing to have to deal with.

I am not sure I have seen this question yet on the thread. Have you wondered where your DS1 is getting these ideas from ? Is it possible he has been abused himself and is repeating learned behaviour ?

porcamiseria · 08/03/2012 08:49

I think the police need to get involved, and make an external assessment and interview the younger ones. I know that striked a dagger through your heart

But you need a third party impartial assessment here.

x

Original poster
badmammy · 08/03/2012 08:52

porcamiseria - but the authorities ARE deciding what will happen. They have put a contract in place that they feel will ensure the children's safety, and we are sticking to it. Of course we are.

I am 100% following their advice.

They did discuss criminal charges with us, and we decided not to press charges (not a huge surprise) for a lot of reasons - but a huge part of the reason was because THEY said that their would be an enormous strain for all the children with a criminal case against one another and them all living in the same house (so pressing charges wouldn't mean they would move eldest out) and THEY also said there would be no benefit to any of the children accrued from pressing charges. It wouldn't allow extra help for any of them.

What would you be doing? Would you be insisting that they take the eldest into care? If it was your child?

OP posts:
Original poster
badmammy · 08/03/2012 08:55

Oh porcamiseria - I see what you are getting at now. We have involved the police. They were here yesterday. It was awful, but honestly, I am doing everything I can to keep all the children safe. I will never play games with their safety.

OP posts:
Original poster
badmammy · 08/03/2012 08:59

throkenholt. No, nobody has asked on this thread. We did discuss it with the police, though.

I am almost certain it is not something he has learned by being exposed to it himself. I cannot think of when anyone would have had the opportunity.

The first time - 3 years ago - he had recently had "sex education" at school, which is why we assumed it had sparked an interest and it was experimentation. This latest thing - I don't know. But I knew what a bj was at around his age (well, probably a bit older) - I think it is the sort of thing 14 year old boys gossip about? It certainly doesn't sound inconceivable to me. But he won't even discuss ANY of this, so it makes it hard to find anything out.

OP posts:
Boston2Step · 08/03/2012 09:20

They will be looking it up on there smartphones and sharing it with each other. That's the worrying thing. This age if technology means that sadly, kids can see this unrestricted stuff at touch of a button!

I think this kind of thing will become more common. You aren't alone and you are a FAB mum!! You really are.

Boston2Step · 08/03/2012 09:23

2 thoughts which may help

Google 'young minds' they are a good agency which maybe have experience to pass on to you

And the police. Youth offending team are one if the best family/teen agency's I have come across. They maybe can get your son to talk with their counselling service.

Good luck.